Grateful...

People around me aren't staying clean and someone recently died. the treatment centers stay filled and The Detox Center is always busy. I have sponsees that I haven't heard from in a while now & there are those who keep relapsing again & again. Some people are homeless, jobless, penniless, in poor health, mourning the loss of loved ones, insane, hopelessly addicted to substances that will kill them. I won't forget to mention the children - the helpless victims of those caught up in active addiction, the family members exhausting themselves in fruitless attempts to help the addicted person. Today someone is out there committing crimes & degrading themselves in the futile quest to get "just one more" of something that they can never get enough of. Families, careers, futures, relationships & dreams are being destroyed today. God is reaching out His loving hand to someone today who will never know the comfort, strength, peace, calm & fulfillment waiting to be found there in Him. Here I lie complaining about my shoes when there are those who have no feet - sometimes i could just slap the shit outta myself. Oh well such is humanity, prone to occasional failures, errors, set-backs and shortcomings. Just for today I will be grateful for what I have and I will tell the disease to kiss my ass when it tries to have me focus on what I don't have.
Peace.

Can I still compete ?

We have been together for more than 3 years now - about a year longer than we've been in recovery. We have been through quite a bit, but we have managed to avoid lying, cheating, disrespecting and stealing (to, on & from each other). So hands down this is the most 'normal' relationship of my life. Trouble is; as with most relationships there is a very distinct 'business' side and 'romantic or personal' side to it. As the business side is concerned we have been growing and pretty much doing well - raising kids, paying bills, eating, etc. Now the personal side has taken some serious blows (i'd say it's been on life-support for a while now despite numerous discussions) It seems we just don't have the time (or maybe the interest) to be romantic anymore. It sounds worse than it is - but it is what it is. Lately I have been feeling like I don't have what it takes to grab her attention as far as conversations go. I am up against competition like "American Idol" phone calls from friends/sponsors/sponsees, etc., demanding kids ( 18months & 6 years old) needs, household work (laundry, cooking, cleaning), personal time (shopping, tanning, manicures, reading books & e-mail), meetings, etc., etc., etc., - There isn't anytime left for me. My schedule is equally hectic (not really but let's just say so for the purpose of not trying to sound like i'm bashing anybody). I just feel like i am playing second fiddle to life - like i have to just wait and i'll get my turn later........... I know that the only constant in life is change & boy am i getting experience in this area - but at what point does a body draw a boundary and say - enough is enough. I am trying to live this "just for today" program and yet my life (as it relates to this relationship) seems to be lived on a "wait till tomorrow" basis. I won't even mention that all this makes me feel a whole lot less than special - if you know what i mean. I won't even mention what my "disease" like to whisper in my ears (thoughts of escape, fuck-it-all, and i know how to fix this shit). Nah, I won't mention all that shit - cuz what's the point? Just for to day I will talk about my feelings, seek the help of a power greater than me to help me get restored to sanity and seek to live the solutions. I am always able to find comfort in the fact that "HOPE IS FOUND HERE" even hope that this too shall pass.
Peace

Well alrighty then...

I had found myself wallowing in negativity, thinking it, feeling it & worst of all speaking it. Hearing myself say negative things over and over again reinforced my ill beliefs and strengthened the hold over me that my disease was getting. I was stuck in the problem. Finally I talked about my feelings & fantasies of flight to my 'significant other' only to find that she had been entertaining similar notions. Uh ohhh this was the ultimate reality check because I don't want to lose her and i certainly don't want her to leave ME. (now if I leave her that's different) hmmm... i wonder whats up with that? Anyway we talked and discovered that nobody really wants to leave - we both want things to get better. So i asked what is it that i need to do. I didn't even tell her that i wanted anything in return - I just had better keep the focus on me, working on my defects and giving me best effort consistantly. Just for today the year is 2007 and there is no good excuse for my past experiences to disable my life in the present. It's time to let go of the 'old information', resentments and fears and 'Step into life' fully living in the present. Sounds real easy and good hunh? Well God i do believe i'm going to need your help on this one.
Peace

The Good, Bad & Ugly...

Today is Saturday and I woke up feeling good. I love the weekends because I don't have to do as much around the house. I didn't have anything pressing on my plate and i just felt pretty good. I finished working on my truck and had a good time playing baseball and basketball today. The kids didn't get on my nerves like they normally do and all seemed well in this man's world. I went to the 8pm meeting and my sponsee-brother was the speaker and i really enjoyed listening to him. Then I get home and almost instantly I noticed that my wife's mood/spirit just seemed to start sinking. I asked her about it and she has no answer. It seems like when she's hanging out with mom or other people she's more upbeat and happy, then when it's just she & I things get all quiet, boring, depressing - to me that's bad. What's ugly is the way it makes me feel; which is fuck it all ! If I'm not fun or exciting to be around to you then maybe somebody else will enjoy my company - this is unfortunately the norm for us. I don't really like it, but i feel like if i mention it it'll either be a waste of my time or it will create tension between us or it'll spark a quick and very temporary change in our circumstances - and i do emphasize the word temporary. It's like i ain't blind - i can see that you ain't all into me like you used to be. Yeah we've had our differences and shit and if it ain't going to get better then why drag it on & on. I don't want to sit by and wait for some slick talking mother fucker to come along and sweep her off her feet cuz she's all fucking bored with me. If it's gonna happen then let it be - but why should i wait around for that ? Do i look like a friggin idiot or something? Whew ! Glad to get that off my chest. Now what ? I don't know. I know that something's got to give and that something's going to give. Maybe i'm waiting for God to give me a sign. I think that what's killing us the most is the tension that's been created from a lot of discussion/criticism over housework, execise and raising the children - we don't act like we see eye-to-eye even though sometimes we talk like we do. It reminds me of my battle with drugs I feel like if i give up the fight then all hell will break loose - - - maybe i should just surrender. Just for today through the practice of honesty, open-mindedness & willingness I know that I am well on my way to a better life and that God works in mysterious way. I will keep doing what I believe is right and in due time more will be revealed. If God can rescue me from the miserable existence of active addiction then God can certainly help me with this.

Please Stand Up...

Will the real Brain Dead Genius please stand up? I understand that I suffer from a bad-ass disease. This mother-fucker will have me flippin' from real life to fantasy world in a split second without my knowledge or permission. I started writing this blog to express myself - free myself, (it's therapeutic ya know) but then somewhere along the way I got caught up in trying to sound good, wondering what people who read this (all 2 of them) will think of me. I slipped into trying to be what i thought that somebody else thought that i should be. Damn ! that's hard work just saying that shit let alone living it. So all I was getting out of this was some superficial shit. I may not know a whole lot but I know enough to know that around here any type of growth, relief & freedom requires real work (& the operative word in that sentence is real) I have to keep it real to the best of my ability and when I stray off course I got to come back strong & dedicated. Just for today - fuck wearing a mask, my life is on the line. This ain't no damn poetry - this is what it is, and i want to try my best to write it, feel it & live it just as it is - not the way my diseased thinking tells me it should be. And by the way - it really is a great day to be clean.
-------------peace

Right Here, Right now...

'Living fully in the moment.' That's one my goals in life these days. Sometimes I think that I am simply a product of yesterdays many tragedies. If i listen closely I can 'hear' the voices telling me to be prepared for the worst - which is losing everything like I have done time & time again. In my marriage, I am fully committed and yet every now and then I wonder if I am just going through the motions biding my time until it all crumbles to dust. I have never been able to hold onto anything in my life - a 10 year marriage, several jobs places of residence, relationships with my children, etc. My life's experience is that nothing lasts. Deprogramming myself is an ongoing process. Fear is the underlying cement that holds all that insanity in place. It all lives so deeply inside of me that I only barely have glimpses of periodic awareness, making 'detection, diagnosis & treatment difficult'. I have found myself living in 2007 and reacting to an event which occured in 1987. I have to blink my eyes and remind myself of where I am, what year it is and who I'm with. The worst part is that I will go for long periods of time with no symptoms (that I notice) which causes me to stop working on it and drop my guard - only to have "it" pop back up on me again. Geez for such a 'simple' program this shit can get pretty dificult at times. Just for today - i will check my calender and try to make sure that I am fully sunchronized and living in the present.
------------ peace.

She's Leaving Me...

I think that if I keep it up - she's going to walk out on me. I complain quite a bit. (I justify it as enforcing my boundaries) I criticize often. (I justify that as my way of helping her to improve herself) I withdraw my conversation and attention. (I rationalize this behavior as being better if I just shut up rather than keep on bitching about things) Now I have been finding fault in the way she dresses. ( Too much cleavage, etc.) I almost look at it like I don't blame her for dressing sexier - maybe she desires compliments and attention and since she isn't getting much from me... what do I really expect. I don't know what is real from what is imaginary very much these days & I sometimes am almost suspicious that maybe she is pondering the company of another. But nah ! I don't really believe that - but I do believe that if I stay on this course then it can become a very real possibility. I am torn: On the one hand there's what I believe is right & what I want and on the other hand there's having acceptance and being ok with what is. This is my struggle. Just for today I can look for the solution to my problems and I can reach out for help. I am finishing my sixth step and I am grateful that the solution lies within this process.

Fear or Faith...?

Sometimes I wonder whats holding my relationship together: fear or faith? Fear that I will regret walking away from it. that I will be miserable without her. Or faith that despite whatever differences we may have - things will get better and this will be the love of all time. We have changed and evolved and discovered more about each other - some good, some not so good. We make a good team from the standpoint of supporting each other in living comfortably, in our recovery, in running our business and taking care of our family. But our romantic side has taken some heavy blows. Our quality time piece is catch as catch can & half the time it seems like catch aint catching what he can cuz he really isn't interested (or too busy) to make much of an effort. We have talked about this and even though i understand that change comes sometimes slowly... I start wondering if its coming at all & the next thought is always well why am I still here. If it ain't the way I 'd like for it to be and if there is no indication of anything changing then what is my real motivation for being here? Do I hate myself that much? My disease loves this situation because it has many opportunities to stir up chaos & confusion & negativity. I know that we are growing - the question is - are we growing in the same direction? What can I do? What can I change? Where will I find the answers? No matter what - today was still a very good day - still clean and still appreciating the precious gift of recovery which reminds me that even tho things may look dark, there is always hope.

Food, Folks & Fun...

I spent the day at a Recovery Event & had a fantastic time. Fellowshipped with people from several states (many of whom I had met before). It feels good when people with years & years remember my name or face. I made some important busines contacts too. Possible invitations to vend at upcoming events. We submitted a design to the Convention Logo Contest & won (the competition was pretty stiff too). All in all, the day was pretty damn good. As I keep coming back things just keep getting better for me in every area of my life. I can't put a price tag on the feeling of love & belonging that I get from the members of this fellowship - from the newer members to the old-timers - people have a way of making you feel at home here. Ahhhhhhhh yes... Just for today, this is the life. I think I'll continue working on my stepswork so I can try to make these feeling last.

Forecast: sunny & bright !

I am feeling a lot better today, more hopeful & optimistic. The half-empty glass is now suddenly half-full. I have been praying, and talking and listening and praying & PRESTO ! the storms clouds have moved on. I have been freaking out because I am wrestling with the notion of sending my toddler son to the daycare center. "Not my boy" I said. But I was also becoming the town grump - because taking care of him all day long while my wife works has been stressing me out. It was cool in the beginning, but after 18 months; I am feeling very frazzled. It has been suggested that maybe we send him to the daycare twice a week (just for half-a-day) but I couldn't get with that - just the thought caused me to re-live feelings of the child abandonment that is all over my fourth step (that done to me by my father and that done to my three other children by me in active addiction) Of course I was the last to know what my reall problem was, and of course my anger, fears & resentment came out in every sideways form known to man. But there is something about the "pain" that forces a surrender. So I surrendered and started talking and praying. And I have consented to allow my baby boy to spend a couple of "half-days" aweek playing with children his own age & to give myself a much needed break. It is kinda hard to run a business with a 18 month old running amok in the house with me. In retrospect: It all seems so silly. Once again I fell victim to living in the fantasy world, once again I became a slave to my fears, Made a mountain out of a mole-hill. And once again I had no idea what I was really going through. Thank God for the help that is available to me through sponsorship and my network of friends in this program. Growth is a beautiful thing - the pain that forces it upon me isn't always fun, but Just for today I am happy to have once again found the path and rejoin those who are walking on it.

Waiting To Exhale...

I stand at that awkward point in time right where the 1,000 pound weight has been lifted off my chest. The one that kept me from being able to breathe. Well it's been removed and now i'm here in the split-second between the lifting of the burden and the actual returning to breathing process. Although this "is/will be" of relatively short duration, it "seems" like it is just being stretched out into an unbearable length of time. Partially because when bad things happen they seem to never end - even though I know that the situation will pass. Another contributing factor is patience - not one of my natural strong points. And finally I am aware that the basis of this dillema is the Fear which lies at the core of my disease. Afraid that if I breathe and relax my guard - I might get another weight dropped on me, maybe an even bigger one. In case you can't put the pieces together this is all symbolic dialogue relating to the ebb & flow of being an addict in a relationship.
Whew - I hope that wasn't to cryptic. Just for today - I am truly grateful for beginning to know my enemy, for this helps me in the battle for my serenity, sanity & my life.

How about now ?

I originally wanted to title this piece "the invisible man" or "hey, remember me?" because I am at this very complacent space in my relationship where I perform my duties as expected and life goes on. It seems at times that this is a thankless job; where taking each other for granted is all too easy and a lack of gratitude must be constantly gaurded against... or else; situations will develope where two people hardly share anything more intimate than brief telephone conversations or 5 minutes talking to each other in the same room (while performing other household tasks). Then as soon as the 'other task' is completed someone leaves the room and the 'conversation' is terminated. The mental tug-of war rages in my head - thoughts of "this is crap! I deserve more of a life" battling with thoughts of "get into the solution, what is my part, what can i do to make things better. etc. etc. etc." I have so much to learn about life - i had no idea how much work life could be. Oh well thank God for the reallization that things could definitely be worse.
Just for today I know that its ok to feel whatever I feel (I'm not the bad guy); I also know that I don't have to act on my feelings, and my favorite 'sobering' thought: "All feelings eventually pass". I think I'm going to call my sponsor...

Can you hear me now...?

Once again I have one of those situations in my life where my ability to communicate is breaking down. Seems like whatever I try to talk to my 'old lady' about falls on deaf ears. It just never seems to hit her ears the way it left my mouth. Resulting in miscommunication and an apparent overall waste of my oxygen. Every now and then somebody else will tell her something that will cause her to say to me - "that makes sense, what you've been telling me". By this time I've usually given up in frustration (SURRENDERED). Oddly enough; instead of feeling better & vindicated, I end up feeling unappreciated and wanting to make uncool comments. The really difficult part is that I will now develope the expectation that things will be different. Hahahahahahaha - That's a good one. But the 'scary-go-round' keeps right on spinning. My gratitude is that Just for Today; I can keep my mouth closed, feel whatever I feel without acting out & just let life happen (for better or worse) without choking or cussing anybody out. I guess I might want to look at finding a new way to communicate or something - maybe there are some improvements that I can make.