Lost dreams...

My friend died.
i have known people who have died in this process, but this time i am hurt.
i don't understand why God does what He does.
this guy was my friend for a years.
our relationship was very superficial until recently when one of my main support people in cinty recommended that i call this guy who had 19 years and experience with what i was struggling with.
he and i talked for over an hour on more than one occassion and somewhere along the way we realized who each other was and that we had always been cool friends.
we made plans to strengthen our relationship and hang out and do things.
we were about the same age and had common interests.
i really liked this guy.
today i got a call from my very good friend in cinty who was in tears (shocking to me, because she has been my rock, holding me up in my times of chaos and confusion) when she told me the news i lost it.
i am not mad at God or anything but i do wonder when all this will end. how much hurt and pain will i have endure?
i know this isn't about me but i am hurting behind it.
God is good.
His plan is perfect, I am willing to stay on the path to the best of my ability.
it has been suggested that i offer to make the family some tee shirts or something to get out of my self and be of service to someone else.

New Outbreak...?

I feel like i am experiencing a new manifestation of my disease: i need to have somebody in my life to make me feel better. it has become an obsession; an over-powering thought that doesn't cease. i have acted out in attempts to find somebody (i have talked to a few people) and all of a sudden this is turning into a compulsion.
i know that nobody can fix me.
i know that i can't allow myself to give in to the disease.
i don't want another battle on my hands.
i don't want any more pain.
i know that the solution is to practice abstinence period.
the desire to use will pass and i can continue in my efforts to find a new way to live.
God is good and the evidence is clear. He has already delivered me from a major storm and is continuing to work in my life.
i was thinking that maybe i am having bad luck because i haven't been able to find anyone for me - but i now believe that God has a purpose for my life and that He is not allowing me to interfere with the process.
there have been opportunities for me to be with someone and i have actually said no, and then on other occassions when i have been weak the other party said no (and i know that other person liked me) it is a strange and wierd coincidence. maybe.
but then maybe it is just God loving me enough to allow me to get the point of all this and to grow into the person He wants me to be, by keeping the focus on me.
I am learning so much that its incredible and i am often over-whelmed but i know that as i continue to practice this new way of life i will getter better and more comfortable with it.
i wrestle with fear sometimes, but i pray constantly and i keep moving forward.
the hardest part i think is that i am not used to me (i mean the me that i am now - i am not who i used to be, i don't understand what has happened but it is strange. it's like my ability to talk so good has diminished and sometimes my thinking isnt as crisp, but my connection with God is stronger.) i like to think that maybe i have become as a child all over again relearning things anew - i don't really know - i just keep walking and trusting.
i really have no other choice.
God keep us all.
peace.

What is it...?

What can make a person go through all the chaos i've gone through, feel all the hurt i've felt, know all the painful things i know, cry all the tears i've cried, pray for acceptance as much as i've prayed and still have the willingness to try my hand at creating a family again?
Is it stupidity, stubborness, self-will, rebelliousness?
I prefer to believe that it is love.
plain and simple.
blind, unconditional, lesson learned, understanding, forgiving, still believing love.
ain't that cute.
yeah i thought so too.
just for today, we should all be so lucky to experience it in our lifetimes.

I ain't dead...

that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. today i stand strong on God's love and mercy. my house is being built on a foundation that won't rock, fade or change in time. i am grateful for my recovery and my life. i just finished a fourth step on this relationship issue that i had been having and i am grateful for the awareness of my part in things and for the opportunity to improve upon my self in preparation for what God has in store for me next. I am also grateful for my assets - i have some very good qualities and i want to hold on to them.
just for today this process is awesome i choose to be a recovering addict by working my program today.
p.s. the temptation to act out is often great but the rewards for living principled are even greater.

Just for today

Instead of praying to God to deliver what i want, I pray to want what God delivers.
He is loving, wise and knows what's best.

Each of us...

I have discovered that we are all just children of God, learning in this process, trying to find our way, each of us makes mistakes and none is more or less thsn the other.
Just for today we are all worthy to be loved, understood and forgiven. Even me.

Alrighty then...

today has been much more mellow. not very much animosity or anger at all.
just acceptance. i am so very ok with things being the way they are. my future is very bright. i have every opportunity to make my life all that i have ever wanted it to be. closer to God and closer to Drew.
Learning to live with and love me.
learning to build me up to be all that i can be and all that God wants me to be.
my mind drifts at times but its more normal stuff now - not insanity.
God is truly good.
Just for today i don't have to waste my time crying that's its over, i can thank GOd for all the goodness that it brought into my life while it was here.

Grateful...

I spoke with my kids tonight and they were awesome - God i miss those lil munchkins. i think i want to play with them soon.

my buddy is sick and i didn't talk to him today and i am worried. he had some kinda rash that developed into something else and ultimately mersa.
i love this guy and i appreciate talking to him daily. i am grateful for having him in my life. i hope to go visit him tomorrow.

i have another friend who has been diagnosed with HIV. i love him and he is so struggling and i didn't see him at the meeting tonight. i am worried about him.
i am grateful for having him in my life and each day with him is a wonderful gift from God. i will call him tomorrow.

i have another friend wiuth lupus - i don't know much about that but i do know that she is in a lot of pain and has lost a lot of weight. she says its incureable. i love her and i pray that God helps her. i will call her again tomorrow. i am grateful for her and all the support she has given me during my struggle.

all these things have been going on all around me for the past several weeks and i have been so consumed with self that i couldn't really see them. these people have been supporting me and holding me up unselfishly, loving me unconditionally.

i actually feel like an asshole. i have been giving all my attentions to someone who doesn't even seem to respect me.

i am grateful today that things are truly changing. Just for today i have my head out of my ass long enough to take a look a life and find plenty of gratitude for all that God has given me. I will be a friend to my friends, i think they deserve as much.

peace.

Staying In Reality...

i had fallen into a pattern of selective thinking...
i couldn't see the whole picture.
i wanted out of that relationship for a long time, i felt that we weren't clicking or something. i just know that i wasn't happy there. not that anybody was the villian or anything just that we weren't matching up.
there were times when i actually wished that i was out of the relationship but i was too filled with guilt (or something) to leave.
so this break uo happens (and i didnt initiate it - which probably bothered me) and ever since i have noticed that this person i have been fantasing over is just not even worth the effort.
there have been some very inconsiderate behaviors going on with respect to my feelings - jumping into a relationship with i guy that i was so-called friends with and being very public about it (after i asked that they keep it low key as i was struggling to deal with it) it was kinda like "hey that's your problem"
then there's this deal with the income tax money - i was promised a little share and now that the time comes it's like "sorry dude can't help ya" and even with me asking for a mediator to keep us from talking directly to help me deal with my hurt - i get contacted directly anyway - it's like "sorry dude, i forgot" i even asked to be informed when my W2's arrive in the mail and of course i wasn't and it was like "sorry dude i forgot"
point is that a person that can turn on you so abruptly and quickly is not a person that i want to shed one fucking tear over.
not a person that i want to be with at all, now or in the future.
and certainly not the person that i think God has for me.
in fact i think that by the summer, as i get my employment and housing situated - i would be wise to get my child support and visitation rights situated through the courts, simply because this experience has shown me a whole new side of that woman that i never knew existed and who knows what the future will bring, i think i best do the next right thing and just protect myself.
just for today God is good and He has me, my future looks extremely bright and as long as i stay firmly rooted in reality, i believe that i will be done with the hard part of this ordeal. Time will tell.

Reservations...?

i practice living in reality each day, telling myself the truth about my life.
i am grateful for all that i have and the path that i am on. i pray for God's will to be done in my life and for me to be ok with it.
but...
i still ask God to remember what the desires of my heart are:

deep down inside (i try not to say it aloud because i feel that its a reservation of sorts) i have a dream of not having my family back but of having a brand new chance for a brand new start with my family.

i almost hate it that i still have this wish.
i feel that it is a slap in God's face for me to say this stuff. i feel that it shows a lack of trust and faith on my part.
but i also feel that it is the truth, i can't see how it is wrong for me to have that wish.
i am not living holding on and i know that it is very very unlikely that my wish will ever be more than a wish, i also know that time heals everything and that the wish has diminished from an obsession, to a burning desire to a simple wish...
i know that one day i will have a different wish and half the time i already do have a different wish - i wish to keep growing and stay on the path (that is not going to change).
i dunno, i just thought i'd say it aloud and maybe it will take away the power.

Doing Fine...

Yep that's right.
I been doing fine.
For days now.
Sometimes I can get a little emtional when i am discussing things with people - i think maybe that's just me being passionate, but i generally just don't talk much about it.
somebody that i love and respect (my ex-spoansor) promised me that if i held on through my process and experienced my feelings and worked my program without medicating them with void filling behaviors (like sex or a quick fix rebound relationship) then i would receive a gift ("one of the greatest gifts of my life" is what he said)
well i believed him even though he wouldn't give me a clue as to what the gift would be.
so...
wanna know if he was telling the truth?
hell yeah he was !
and it wasn't just one gift (in my interpretation)
what were these gifts ?
here's one:
a relationship with me & God! more comfortable in my skin. no more tossing and turning at night.
i had a semi-date offer today with a very cute girl - just coffee, nothing heavy right. yesterday we were supposed to meet up but schedules didn't work out and i was so cool about things - i wasn't willing to skip my meeting for this date. than today came and i said that we'll have to see, cuz i'm in no hurry. i told my sponsor that you know whay i ain't in no hurry? because i know that "she can't fix me".
what i am saying is that getting with somebody isn't my number one priority - continuing to develop my relatiotionship with God and me is way more important.
i have found relief and it has come from my growing reliance on God.
me and God have been getting real close and He is awesome.
He is real in my life.
He really loves me and comforts me and strengthens me.
He really guides me in the right direction.
It's about time our paths joined.
I am grateful for everything that has happened to me.
I am learning to live my steps, i have become more of the man that i believe God wants me to be.
and i am only just beginning this walk with Him.
this is the bomb.
i am glad that i don't have to continue living in the darkness as i had been living.
i am overwhelmed when it comes to trying to describe what has happened and what is happening -
i have developed many strong spiritual relationships with awesome people, strengthened others to entirely new levels and gained the respect of a whole bunch of my predecessors.
i thought i was the shit before, based on a bunch of social acceptability bs, but today i know that i am truly loved by many because i am living the program, carrying the message, and being active in the fellowship.
today i feel great based on new, deeper, real feelings and all i can say is...
just for today who wouldn't thought that by surrendering you'd actually win?
p.s. you never coulda told me that what i was going through (hurt and insanity) was only because God loved me so much...

Honesty...

i went to a meeting tonight and shared about what's been going on with me. it wasn't the first time a lot of people had seen me cry, nor was it the first time a lot of people heard how i have been suffering. but it was the first time that a lot of people heard the whole truth. that i had fucked up.
that i had something good and messed it up and now i am hurting and struggling to accept that its gone away.
i shared that although i had not cheated or become physically abusive i was guilty of not loving, cherishing or appreciating what i had.
i also shared about how i thought i was invincible and that nothing could hurt me. how i thought i could fix anything with a simple "baby i'm sorry".
i shared how i thought i had the power and the control over my life and circumstances at times.
i shared that i was dead wrong and that now as a result of my actions i have consequences to deal with, very painful consequences.
i shared that if i ever have another chance at being in a relationship that i will be bringing a better me into the equation.
i shared that i hope that by sharing my pain that maybe somebody might avoid going through this.
i shared that i am grateful for the growth and humility and stronger relationship with God and my friends and support people.
Just for today i hope i helped somebody... cuz God is helping me.

Taking a break...

just for today i'm tired of talking about all this. i am really tired of feeling it but there ain't much i can do about that. but i am going to give myself a break in terms of writing for a few. i am staying close to my sponsor and others and just trying to live through this... one day at a time, sometimes a moment at a time.
God is working everything out perfectly... even though i may not really see how.
peace.
p.s. thanks to the person who shared with me weeks ago about how guys tend to view relationships and significant others as property, very insightful on your part.

Starting over...

Geez this shit is horrible ! I hate when i find a few days of relief and then BAM !
i get hurt and i lose my mind. i forget everything and go right back to square one.
i made a promise to my sponsor and myself to not have ANY CONTACT for a week - kids or no kids. a week isn't much but maybe it'll help me - she won't understand, and i don't care - she isnt feeling any of this - she's snuggling up in the arms of someone else - i haven't been afforded that luxury.
i fuckin' can't wait until that viper reveals himself and she feels some real fucking feelings - i'll be here feeling vindicated. it ain't like i wish harm to her, but i just can't fucking wait. i believe that if she would've dealt with her real feelings - then maybe she would've recognized that what we had was worth working on to keep - maybe i'm wrong but that's how i feel. that's what i believe.
ours was a good love with apotential for greatness with work.
but anyway...
if she should happen to read this i hope she knows that when the fucking bottom falls out that i will still be here for her - cuz i haven't quite figured out how to stop loving her and i really don't even want to.
it is coming and the bad thing is my life is on hold while i wait for it...
i continue to do the basics but as far as relationships - i aint going nowhere no time soon.
Just For Today - this love here (sick or not) ain't shaking, but i know that God has the power... so i really dont know what tomorow will bring.

p.s. don't be angry with me for being honest about how i feel - i guess some are just sicker than others...sorry.

Gratitude...

i can see the benefits now just a little bit. people said that i would get something good out of this and i could not see it. bottom line, when i my ex broke up with me i told her that i would do anything to get her back - but i know now that i couldn't have done very much differently at all. because i was the same person, with the same perspective, spirit, attitude and belief system.
just for today a lot of me has been shaken up and i have been forced to see life in a whole new light - i am not a totally different person and i haven't miraculously become brand new or anything, but i have changed and i am on my way to becoming a new person with a new perspective on my life.
for one thing i know that i can survive on my own, and love myself, lean on the God of my understanding to get through things and most importantly i have learned that i can not and do not have to try to control everything around me.
i am powerless and everything and everybody in my life is a precious gift from God to be always appreciated and cherished, because it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.

yeah i'm still me, but JUST FOR TODAY things won't ever be the same.

thank you God.

Holding...

Me and God have been gaining ground and i am holding. everything that i let go of doesn't always have claw marks left on it anymore. i have not lost my mind in the blind pursuit of anything to make me feel better either, other than sharing with others in recovery, prayer, fellowshipping, attending meetings and reading my literature. i socialize a little bit here and there but nothing heavy at all.

the best part is that all the changes are happening from the inside out, i don't have to force things - i just want to do better and be better - better meaning: more spiritual, humble and into this program to the best of my ability.

i absolutely have to remind myself of my reality constantly - to stay protected from my ability to dive into the world of fantasy which for me can be nightmare.

Just For Today: thank God for everything,

peace

My disease...

i suffer from the disease of "want to". i believe that i should be able to do, have and be whatever i want to do have and be. i use many techniques to support this fantasy: denial,manipulation, rationalization, etc...
if things don't go the way i want them to theni experience anything from discomfort to pain.
another name for my affliction is "control" - if things aren't going my way then i try to control them into being.
all my life i have been this way and i hate it.
i am grateful for finally seeing the light. something ugly has been revealed and it hurts me to see it.
i have been trying to convince my "ex" that i will be different and yet my every action is still an attempt to control. i am not living in acceptance or surrender.
my pain has been so great that i think i would be beyond insane to continue on this path. i have no choice but to trust in God and this process with every decision i make and every action that i take.
i have been fearful that it is a sign of shame to give up and not rely on my own talents and mind for guidance and yet today i no longer trust myself, i no longer am willing to take a chance on my way anymore.
additionally pain and discomfort causes me to seek relief and that has been a trap for me - my mind tells me that relief lies in actions that have only led me deeper into the pits of dispair. i have to hold on through the pain in order to find freedom.
another of my pitfalls is the absence of pain - i want to take control again, and the results are the same.
a complete and total surrender is my only hope at this point and i guess it always has been, i am just finally beginning to understand this fact.
there is much work to be done, but thank God that hope is found here...
Just for today - things aren't as bad as they have been, but the battle is far from over, if i am to get better then i can not rest, i must not rest.
pray for me
a life is still at stake.

the path...

i am currently working the first step again, i have a feeling that my sponsor is going to have me here for a while and that's ok - maybe sponsor knows best.

my assignment is to read it everyday as many times as i like and try to really internalize it. try to really make all my decisions based on good motives, avoid manipulation and self-will. trust the process, even and especially when it is in conflict with my "want-to's". it will not be easy always but it will be good.

i have to start living the program - all over again, on a whole 'nother level this time in order to be who God wants me to be.

there's work a plenty for old braindead to do. and that is the hope-shot for me, because what if i was already doing all i could and still wound up as crazy as a jay-bird - now that would be a damn shame.

so JUST FOR TODAY out of gratitude for all that God has brought me through (not saying that i am completely through this ordeal but i am done with the excruciating out-of-control aspect of it) and out of absolute fear of having to relive it exactly the same way again down the road - i think i will make every conscoius effort to be in God's will - for fucking real and on every front this time.

yeah i will make mistakes, but that isnt the same as being defiant.

p.s. somebody once said that "some people don't realize that GOD is all they need, until GOD is all they have" - imagine that: there must a been other Braindead Geniuses before me.

only human...

this morning i opened my big-mouth and created a mess of things. i felt that i might do it and i resolved not to, but in the heat of the situation i went ahead and did it anyway.

the situation occured when my "ex" came by to drop off my son this morning.
i saw her and started the whole 'reconciliation' conversation again. and she ofcourse was consistent as usual, which i guess bruised my ego and i reacted which has also become pretty 'usual'.

at any rate i became critical and judgemental of her choices and although i didn't call her any bad names, i definitely upset her.

i accept full responsibility for my actions, BUT i will say that i have asked for mediation for which i have not received co-operation - her mom is willing to bring my son and relay any necessary communication - but my "ex" just isn't respecting my boundary. i do very well until i see her and i am hopeful that we can minimize our contact for a while so that i can continue in my process.

i do know that just for today i am extremely grateful for a restoration to sanity: one that is affording me a real opportunity to experience life and feelings and the subsequent growth that i couldnt have if i had taken the easy way out. i am grateful for the sanity that keeps me free from the denial and rationalization of the harm that i caused to others around me. i did mine and i own it.
grateful that just for today my step-work isn't a superficial experience of words on paper and i am absolutely grateful for my freedom and serenity.
yeah just for today life may not be always working out the way i want it too, but i actually believe that it is working out just fine. maybe God really does know what he is doing.

p.s. believe me when i say that i do pray for us all, and wish happiness and safety upon my "ex" in all her affairs.

The Storm Is Over ?

Nah, i won't even lie to myself like that, real feelings don't just go away like that.
sometimes it is difficult to keep my focus, other times it is easier.
i keep reminding myself that God is working everything out perfectly, i remind myself that i can't see it but i trust Him. i remind myself that this too shall pass and is passing. i remind myself over and over again that i dont have to look back anymore - that my blessings lie ahead. i remind myself that God is good and that His plan is perfect. That He loves me and has my best interests at heart. That everything i want is not always what is best for everybody.

i remind myself again and again and yet...

sometimes i just have to cry.
sometimes i just have to grieve.
this has been a great loss to me and like others before me i can get through it.
but i have to give thanks to my Higher Power who has given me the strength to experience (and survive) my emotions without having to act out in anyway.
i dont HAVE to dial that number, or drive by that house or send that text message.
i may want to sometimes but i dont HAVE to anymore.

i remind myself that it is ok to feel my pain and that i am ok and worthy to be loved and that i am loved.

i remind myself all the time, and i have to do this because the disease that i suffer from does not take vacations.

we truly keep what we have only with vigilance.

GOD's perfect plan...

"God is working things out perfectly"
i have often been resistant to living in God's will due to my own short-sightedness (all i can see is whats happening right now), due to my own self-centeredness (i want what i want when i want it), and due to my disease that drives me to pursue something to make me feel whole, and most profoundly due to my denial which not only tells me that none of this is the truth, but also that i don't even have a problem in the first place.
Suddenly i have slowed down enough to see the evidence of God working in my life,
removing the obsession to use not only drugs but other things that make me feel better... restoring my sanity when i thought all hope was gone.

now i listen for the answers to the prayer requests and allow myself time to think.

some of the sugesstions seem "difficult" but my new perspective tells me that - difficulty is relative (after the past 30 days of experience very little is difficult to me) especially if taking the suggestions will ensure my spiritual growth.

i have discovered that if i pray and do the next right thing then the driving impulse will actually subside and i can then be restored to sanity.

this is empowering - i am powerless but the spiritual principles can be a power greater than me.

wow its amazing how you can know some things and then life on life's terms show up and you suddenly find out that everything you know is subject to revision, how it aint what you know but how you're living, and how understandings that worked so well for you in the past are no longer sufficient for the next leg of your journey on the road to recovery.

jsut for today - thank you God for everything in my life, thank you for not making me a complete moron, thank you for placing angels and messengers all around me to help me understand what you want from me, thank you for allowing life to beat me into submission and freedom but not to death. thank for the the light that now shines, today i have a glimpse of what lies ahead and i want it - enough to sit here alone in my room about to go lay down by myself even though i want to be comforted by another human being, i trust enough to wait and work on being ok with me, becoming a whole healthy person and therefore better preparing myself for whatever it is you have for me down the road.

this shit is the bomb, it ain't even me and it aint easy but it is right. when i try to tell myself that taking suggestions ar difficult - i simply remind myself of the events of the past 30 days andi get restored. no suggestion could possibly be as difficult as that and if i want to get better and have any chance at never re-living those experiences then i better do something different. y'all told me that my joy comes in the morning and baby the sun is surely rising.

yes i have the evidence that God really is working things out perfectly.

P.S. Oh Yeah - Thank you God for my son being with me this week - he is dropped off to me at 6:30am and i'm finding my comfort lying in bed sleeping with him.

Hell yeah !

Went to bed feeling great and woke up the same way. Thanking God and praising Him for everything.
My son got dropped off to me this morning and i spoke with his mom briefly and even tho i did digress and tell her how good she looked and that we could still make beautiful music together - i didn't get mad or hurt when she said no.

it was just like me trying to holler at any other cute girl (ya win some, ya lose some)

at any rate i dont have butterflies or anything, but i do know that it important that i protect my freedom - so i suggested that we make arrangements so that i can pick him up and drop him off in such a way that i dont even have to see her or talk to her at all (involving a mediator or something).

i think it is best for right now.

i have admitted my powerlessness and surrendered on a couple of issues, and now i don't have to fight anymore (one being this question of custody and the other being an issue regarding financial support) all i can do is make other people angry and uncomfortable and bring consequences onto myself.

so just for today i am going to continue to take care of myself and my responsibilities and stay grateful for all my blessings and my freedom.

Thank you God for getting me through this without the use of drugs, sex, relationships or anything else that might have compromised my process. Thankfully i have been open to take a look at me, get with me and God and grow.

i know that just for today i dont have to be driven to live a life in search of something outside of me and God to make me feel better.

if i have learned anything it is that God is sufficient.
and so am i.

peace.

Brand New...

great day - God is good.
no doubt.
i have discovered that i am but a small insignificant spec in the grand scheme of things in this life.
i have learned that the scope of my power and control extends about .02mm from my person. if that far.
i believe that the only thing i actually have control over is my actions and even then the outcomes are out of my hands.
awesome to finally be on the right page in life.
makes things a lot easier for me - now i dont hafta keep exhausting myself with worry over how i am going to 'make everything and everybody act right' lol.
yeah that was an "LOL" i laugh today.
i smile and i feel good and it's a freedom that is based on surrender, not a hatred or disdain for another individual.
today i choose to face reality and leave the fantasy world of "myabe if i just do this", or "how can i change that" behind.
i realize that God has ALL the power and that is ok today.
i also relize that everything that I have in life is a gift from God, that means my friends, family, material possessions, my recovery, my health and my life. I have been blessed in great abundance and on a daily basis i have to thank God for these gifts, and also remind myself that it is all just for today. tomorrow isnt promised i could lose the house the car the job the family and everything else at any given moment so it is important that i appreciate and cherish everything in my life everyday. and when things are removed i remind myself that God is still good even though i dont know what His plan is, i know ti is a good one. and i proceed to thank Him for the time that i did have whatever was removed.
This is a simple program full of basic truths, i believe that we all have a choice: we can get with it from the very start or we can walk our asses through the fire and then get motivated.
i guess you know which path i had chosen for myself.
but no more.
this time my first step means something to me, a whole lot more than as pertains to drugs; its about any area of my life where i might find myself trying to exert some control, any area that has become unmanageable.
today i am extremely thankful to God for my life - a life that a few days ago seemed so awfully dark and hopeless, a life that is now rich with possibilities and opportunities.
my relationships have been strengthened, my understandings have deepened, thelevel of respect from others and for myself has ironically grown - who woulda thought that all along God had something good waiting for me on the other side...
everybody that loves me knew
the disease just wouldnt let me trust and believe.
just for today.
thank you God for every little thing in my life.
peace.

taking care of me...

i ate a little bit today, read a little bit, hung out with addicts, went to a meeting, shared, felt cried, laughed, hugged folks, told folks i loved them and meant it, called folks, folks called me and i prayed. and i didnt act out too much.

i am now going to take my tired ass to sleep.

just for today - thank God its over. i dont even want to think about tomorrow.

waiting...

GOd please take care of her, God please take care of him, God please take care of me. God please.
this is my prayer, i dont know why i am saying this - it is what comes out when i open my mouth.
my reality is so cold and dark and brutally painful that i am want to just numb out in any way that i can.
i am a raggedy ass guy, not able to handle this situATION WITH ANY SEMBLENCE OF SELF-RESPECT, dignity, restraint, patience, faith or trust. i am just waiting and fighting every step of the way.
why me God?
why do i feel like i am worhtless, unworthy of love, a piece of discarded trash.
why GOd do i feel like you hate me for letting this happen to me.
why do i feel like you brought me to this place only to leave me here in misery?
God please help me.
I can not help myself.
God please help me.
I am waiting...

the process...

i was hurting and i went to the meeting this morning. in desperation i shared what i was feeling, i cried, i shook, i expressed my fear of what God's will my be and how i am afraid to just trust Him right now. I expressed my fear of what is going to happen when i come face to face with this guy or with them together as a couple. then he walked in the meeting. he was smiling. i lost it. i doubled over in pain and cried harder than i person should cry in public.
people congratulated me for my courage and perseverance.
i cried.
people shared with me that they wished they had stood strong in the storm like i am doing instead of going to get high.
i cried.
people shared that they had to run away to another place to deal with the feelings and they had to deal with it when they came back.
still i cried.
peopel shared that they medicated in a variety of ways and still the problem was there when they got done.
still i cried.
he got up and went in to the back room and i got up and followed him. people said don't go.
i went.
i walked up to him and told him that i needed to talk.
we walked into a private room and closed the door.
i asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he is ok with what is happening to me and to my family.
that he is ok with knowing that she is just the flaovr of the minute to him and that she means the world to me.
he denied any wrong doing and he was right. he hasnt done anything wrong.
i hugged him and went back into the meeting.
i listened and i learned.
just for today, i thank God for the strength and courage to walk through the storm clean. i thank God for showing me and i am beginning to trust that: He is all i need.
I know now that if i keep my eyes on Him then all else can come and go and i can be ok with that. even if i am not ok with it - i can survive it - clean. just for today - things get bad and things get good, but as long as i dont get high this too shall pass. God please have mercy on your hard-headed son, let me learn what i need to learn, let me become what you want me to become, let me find serenity through it all and let me place my life in your hands and be ok with the outcome.
peace.

God Keep Me...

something happened.
i don't know why this is affecting me, but i pray that i can keep my sanity through this.
there's a girl in dayton; a nice girl, who has been supportive of me in my process.
she called me last night (i think she kinda likes me) but anyway she called me last night and during our conversation she told me that 'Mister Man' had tried to holler at her again last night at a meeting. i am tempted to have her make a 3-way call with my ex on the line so she can hear for herself.
Now i know that it ain't my business, i keep telling myslef that, but i can't help thinking how shitty that is.
i was tempted to tell her to set his dirty ass up so he could get busted by my ex.
my motives?
thinking that maybe if she knew then...
God please let me stay free - i don't want to hurt anymore.
i don't want her to hurt either. i am truly not interested in anybody else. in a fit of lunacy i said some dumb stuff to a couple females but it was not serious and nothing ever happened.
i have actually heard from a few women that he tried to talk to them recently and yet he says that he is sincere about his feelings for my ex.
i asked him to be merciful - that if all he is going to do is hit her and quit her - then to please just do it and let her go - don't hurt her. he promised that he wasnt going to hurt her.
i know its in God's hands.
i am going to pray, for them and for me, because i fear that my sanity lies in the balance yet again.
even if they break up - there is no assurance that she will want to reconcile with me.
and even though i tell myself that our relationship was a kind of "sham" - i cant help but be honest with myself:
it was not a sham to me.
it was a beautiful thing to me.
and through it all - i guess i am just the type of dumb-ass that would gladly go back to it.
Just for today... please God watch over your children - we need you! please grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change.

the morning after...

today i made a decision to go to my local meeting again. i thought i never would return there, after all thats where she goes. well i had a service commitment and i skipped it last week but not today. oddly enough she wasnt there tonight, but the point is i was there - in all my glory. the drew of old showed up and was happy joyous and free. charasmatic as ever. i chaired the meeting and shared on a topic and when i opened my mouth - the message came out and it had heat on it. my sponsee was sitting next to me and this newcomer was being flirty, but i was ignoring her.
he said after i finished talking she said "damn".
god is good. it is a joy to be of service and to be used as a vessel to carry the message of hope to someone.
it was a pleasure to be back home, some people acted wierd towards me but its ok, i know why i'm there and it aint for the popularity contest.
anyway this day has been cool, really cool.
my ex and i had a few few phone convos' and saw each other and talked civiliy and i didnt walk away with any ill will or uncomfortable feelings.
thank you god for the freedom.
she asked me to keep the kids all night saturday. at first i was thinking hell no - i aint watching them so you can pull an all nighter with your new boyfriends - then i remembered that she had a wedding to go to. so i said ok. turns out the weeding is on saturday and that the baby-sitting is for an all nighter (i guess) anyway freedom and commitment, surrender, acceptance and unconditional love told me to keep my word to the kids and mind my business - so the youngins will be withme tomorrow and i am excited.
just for today i hope that i never allow anything to come between me and God, me and my recovery, me and my friends or me and my kids...

Clarity, Freedom, Sadness

i have been through a lot during the past month or so. a lot of pain and a lot of increased awareness of the help and love that is and has always been availble to me in times of trouble. i heightened sense of God's power and my own powerlessness. a renewed sense of compassion for others who may be struggling in any area of life. a better sense of respect for the old-timers who "hell or high water" have not used.
a greater appreciation for 'the program', its principles and life saving power.

personally i am grateful for what i believe is a greater clarity with regard to me: who i am and what i am about. i am a powerless, co-dependent little guy who has value and worth as an individual. A guy who is loving and worthy to be loved - all by myself, or in a relationship. A guy with a mighty God and a wealth of friends who love and respect him.

i found freedom yesterday finally when i realized that what i had been crying over and praying about wasnt at all what i thought it was. i thought i was in love and in A HEALTHY LOVE AFFAIR. then i discovered that i was just an interchangeable part in an on-going love affair that didn't begin with me, nor has it ended in my absence.

that made me sad - i held that relationship as something that defined me and contributed to my sense of worth and value - and then to see it for what it really was makes me feel like i kinda wasted my time all along. but no. i am still very grateful because of the child born out of that union - he is beautiful and i love him very much.

i am also saddened because i was confused by the simple fact that that experience 'felt good'. i suspect that others are trapped in a cycle, oblivious and in denial, simply because something makes them 'feel good'. i pray for you.

additionally my heart is heavy for the other party involved as i suspect that the driving force in his life may be the same need for something that 'feels good' and all other factors (like friendship, honor, consideration, family, respect, etc.) are secondary considerations if they are considered at all.

i can relate to behavior like that - in active addiction that was my life. on any given day or situation in recovery that can and has been my story.

freedom: today it is not a strain or a struggle. no forced smiles or efforts to quell the butterflies that have occupied my stomach for the past month. i believe that now is the right season and the lesson is being finally learned. this process has been agonizing and yet the growth makes it all worth.

Just for today this program and God has become very real for me and my understandings are changing and improving and growing.

Just for today: i realize that the love affair that i cried over, that meant the world to me, wasnt all that i thought it was: it was really a very beautiful love affair that didn't start with me and hasn't ended in my absence - i was only an interchageable part - the man of the hour. thank God for the freedom and the opportunity for something heathy and better.

Shattered

the truth has come to the light...

after a few days of semi-relief i finally broke. i was carrying a reservation: i thought that if i just 'played my cards right' then eventually SHE would come back to me. everything i did was designed to get HER back, praying right (so God would deliver Her unto me), sharing right in a meeting (so the word would get back to Her that i was doing ok without Her), i even went as far as to almost actually start getting better (because folks said that i had to do that in order to have a shot at getting HER back).

damn it sucks to give someone all that power - it is demoralizing, humiliating and exhausting.

like i said i finally broke. i call several people to talk me out of calling Her, we prayed, talked and it was no good, i had to call Her: the end result was disgusting - at the mere mention of the scumbag's name that she's dealing with - she flipped out on me (she actually has feelings for this fuck) needless to say that it was a very short conversation.
so now i'm pissed off and i felt the need to call Him. we talked for about a half-hour and after the conversation i think that i finally surrendered to two disturbing realizations: 1. that bastard has no conscience whatsoever to call himself my friend and pounce on my ex-fiancee less than two weeks after we split and 2. he aint letting her go until he is good and gad-damn ready to - i can simply go to hell basically.

so i thanked him for his honesty (hah !) and told him that i hope god blesses him and his recovery and if he ever finds himself struggling that i would always be available to him (i'm just made like that).

now what?
freedom !
why?
reality hit me so hard that i didnt have a fantsy large enough to overcome it.
what reality am i talking about?
this one: THEY have been together for almost a month, but when i met her she was COMPLETELY NO HOLDS BARRED INTIMATE WITH ME AFTER ONLY TWO DAYS. maybe that contributed to my feeling so "special". but now all of a sudden i have become old news and this highly promiscuous asshole is her current love interest? i choose to believe that she is doing any and everything with him now -thats her M.O.
now that ladies and gentlemen is fucking DISGUSTING.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww !
I dont think i could ever be intimate with her ever again.
pardon my language but thats how i feel.
diry because his high risk for disease ass is her lover and dumb because she either doesn't know or chooses not to be in reality of the facts that most people in three cities (at least) are aware of.
so whooo god dammit ! i cant fuck with her - she has finally in my mind violated the sanctity of our relationship.
yeah this may be fantasy - but it is a necessary assumption. and based on it i have found freedom.
no longer am i connected to these people i the horribly painful way that i had been.
just for today: take my sloppy seconds you dirty bastard one day you will realize "that it aint no fun when the rabbit got the gun" your turn soon cometh. and god bless you you poor pitiful dumb whore. you made a terrible decision in the name of running from the pain. you will rue the day - cuz now there aint never no looking back. i am on to bigger and better things in my life. its been a long journey but i have finally found me - i was here all along. i am drew, before, during and after that girl. i so made her what she respectable, decent, honorable - less than two weeks away from me and she's already the friggin laughing stock and she doesn't even know it yet.
poetic justice.
as a simple human i say: fuck 'em both. but at the same time as a recovering addict on a spiritual journey i say to them: god bless and help you.
peace

Days Of Our Lives

My life is like a soap opera at times, looks real, sounds real but all fantasy.
i can jump into a fantasy in a nano-second and not even know it. thank God for my friends and support people.
they remind me to stay in the moment, not a few moments ago or even a few moments from now.
life is what it is, not what i want it to be.
these simple truths can sometimes be as difficult to grasp as learning chinese.
but just for today i have the unconditionsl love and support of people who dont mind constantly reminding me.
today i talk about my thoughts and feelings and not act on them, which is a miracle itself.
God is good and His power is sufficient - as long as i am willing to let it be.
peace & God be with you.

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Another Day, Another...

MIRACLE !
plain and simple.
i feel awesome. i have had a great day.
i took care of me today.
i picked my son up from the baby-sitter, did laundry, a little housework, etc...

i'm not saying that i wasnt tested today, i'm not saying that i didn't get butterlies a few times either - because i did.

but something different is happening to me.

last night i went to bed alone in my own bed - by choice and was ok with it.
i had a few offers but i chose to chill by myself, i wasn't on any type of sadness or self pity mode either. just finally becoming ok with myself (and God!)

on that note i will say that God is good, because in a moment of desperation (for a feeling) i actually asked a coupla of "hoochie-mamas" to kick it with me a few weeks ago and God intervened. Whew ! because looking back i would've regretted it. and i know they both like me so that could only have been God protecting me - i believe.

today i ran across her driving through town and i also talked to her on the phone about my son and there was no acting out. i did not want to act out and i did not act out. i did get a little butterfly syndrome - funny thing is throughout this process many addicts have stood in readiness to answer their phones but this time nobody was available - God telling me that He is really all I need in a crunch?
maybe, maybe not - but Just for today He was sufficient !

today i prayed and i found relief.

i can't express in words how good it feels to be me again - the storm may not be fully over but i know that i have what it takes to endure.

something good has happened to me, i now know this in my heart.

i spoke to a sponsee today who had surgery on his shoulder, his shoulder had a tendency to 'pop-out' of socket whenever he engaged in strenuous sports activities. otherwise for all intents and purposes it was normal. after talking to him i realized how his path and mine have a lot in common. we were both functionally dysfunctional. and had to under pain and then an uncomfortable period of adjustment so that in the end we could both emerge stroner and healthier than we were before.

in the storm i could not see that. but as the clouds are beginning to part a little bit and the sunlight is just about to shine through - i am beginning to understand.

this is not the end of my life - it is in fact only the beginning.

a lot of things have become very clear to me, my perspective has changed and i am more than ready to work hard to ensure that i continue to grow and keep receiving God's blessings for me.

Just for today - life aint always what you think it is, and nothing is promised. but if you hold on, reach for God and do the foot work, the sky's the limit !

Thank you God.
and thank you.
peace.

My Feelings

Today i felt a variety of feelings from anger to sadness to joy. And they probably came in that order too.
I shared my honest feelings in a meeting today and got support.
I spoke with my counsellor this afternoon and got encouraged and enlightened.
I spent a few hours with my baby boy today and got uplifted.
I spoke with my church pastor tonight and got spiritually renewed.
I am refreshed right now - with a renewed energy.
I know that i have what it takes to make it.
I now believe in myself.
I know that God really is good to me - even now.

Just for today - life is good and I am the prize !

Maintaining

Ok a day without crap - yeah i cried like a bitch for a moment but i held on and didn't act out and the moment (almost 10 minutes it seems) passed. i was hanging with a friend out of town and we had fun the whole day and i had no more episodes.

a couple butterfly in the stomach sessions but that was it. i prayed my way through.

i have been on this path kicking and scratching for a month and now i realize that its going to be whats its going to be - i have a choice to act dignified or act a fool.

fuck that it aint worht it anymore. not after all this.

so just for today i'm keeping y damn head up and with God on my side i know i can get through this.

when i feel embarrassed i am comforted by the knowledge that my sponsor , ex-sponsor and ex-grand sponsor all behaved in a similar fashion. i am not unique nor am i a freak. just a guy hurting who will get through. for anyone that doesn't know - if youhavent had a turn - its coming, hold on.

powerful

this disease of addiction is such a powerful destructive enemy of life.
a few months back i was a semi-normal recovering addict with family, job, friends and happiness; sharing my experience, strength and hope with others

in a short period of time i have been reduced to a man who cried in nearly every meeting i attend, sleeps terribly, barely eats, is mentally and emotionally distraught, who has exhibited the behavior of a stalking, annoying, begging lunatic.

i have no joy left, no hope or help for anyone else - nor myself.
i pray ceaselessly. i struggle just to keep from hurting and crying.

this is not a sign of a mental condition, nor is it about any person other than me.
this is about warfare - waged on me by my disease of addiction.
this is all about an overly-sensitive ego, powerlessness, acceptance, control, trust and faith, fear, sitting still, making a decision and taking action, being patient, having courage, changing my perspective, surviving my emotions and simply enduring life on life's terms.

i thought i was doing such a fine job - now i dont feel so fine anymore. i have been taking a beating but i havent used.

so JUST FOR TODAY, i think i am doing better than i feel.

oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god

i walked to her house (because my room-mates park behind me now to keep me home at night) she was getting up for work and we talked (of course nothing i said made a damn bit of difference) i was in so much pain that i couldnt sleep or sit still.

on the way home i called my friend in recovery who reminded me of what i already know and gave me new information (this has happened to him also).
he told me that i have to take action along with my prayer - that i can't pray for muscles and then not work-out. i have to pray for strength and then be strong.

i am not the first to travel this path and my pain is not unique, others have felt this and endured. i will too.

i just finished praying all i could say as i cried was: "oh god, oh god, oh god..." for several minutes until i finally calmed down. when i was done i just sat. in silence i sat. for a while, just listening. i don't know what god is trying to tell me - but i am waiting for the answer.

just for today

oh my god...

i just woke up out of my sleep nearly screaming. i dont want to go to meetings here cuz i dont want to see her, nor the meetings in the next major town cuz i dont wanna see him. i want to run to her house and ask her to please stop this nightmare.
but i have already done that and she looks at me like she never loved me at all.

not at all.

i am crying now and i want to get in my car but i know that i have to sit here and do nothing in order to heal.

God help me - this is so hard. so hard God.

i am not feeling so well right now, not at all.

Moving right along... i guess

I keep putting my hands in the pot and stirring up more trouble for myself.
I have been acting out in ways that lower my self-esteem and cause me to hurt more.
I am truly trying not to.
I have been crying oceans it seems
but i believe there is more pain coming.
I surrender. No more adding to a bad situation. the only way to get through this mess is to go through it with some sense of dignity or at least self-control.
i have been struggling with trying to get an intellectual understanding of what i am going through - hell i have been struggling with every aspect of this ordeal from its onset.
but still i stand.
and i stand clean dammit.
i haven't completely lost my mind.
and i am setting a boundary - no calls today - not a one.
no more desire to go back to the source of my pain.
yeah i still want her but the truth is that we are broken up and whatever she does is none of my business.
i have a life to live and i am goign to get busy living it.
i went to a convention and she was there (ouch) looking damn good too and politely blowing me off (expected) her new boyfriend revealed himself (a friend of mine (OUCH!) i called him today and told him that i aint mad and God bless him. (stoopid, i know)
but i really think that i have exhausted myself now.
i have closure i guess, i know that i dont want anymore pain - thats for sure...
and they say that the only way to get to the other side of this pain is to keep my hands out of it. accept it - i am powerless
powerlessness certainly sucks today.
but oh well
i am growing through this and i will manage to survive - God has me now because my legs gave a long time ago.
Oh yeah i have a new friend and i fucking am comforted by her presence but i dont really like her very much - tonights the first night she hasnt been here in four day and we just sleep together, we did have sex once) but now i am feeling wierd. i really want her to come back (oh my God thats sounds nutty)
i also went on a date today with another girl who was cute but... and she wanted to engage in some instant gratification (yay!) but i wasn't trying to get with her either (strange hunh?) i chose to go the meeting instead of maybe having sex with her.
then there was the girl in the meeting (but i resisted)
Just for today... this shit can get as complicated as i want it to be. But all in all, for some strange reason i think i'm doing a fine job.

ENOUGH !

When i am hurting, i must pray.
When i am praying, i must be honest.
When i am able to, i must do step work.
If my mind stars to wander, i must focus on what i am doing right in front of me.
If a question in my step-work causes me to start drifting off down the bunny hole, skip that question and go on to the next one.

if i come under attack 20 times in a day,
i must defend myself as many times in a day

my goal is to get closer to my Higher Power.
Therein lies the true source of my strength and courage.
Therein lies the source of my serenity.

With Him, i can do all things.

On the other side of this experience lies the greatest gift of my life - if i take this postive action.

there is nothing to figure out, there is simply action to take.

when i am hurting i must remember that every act of manipulation, begging and all other manifestations of self-will have merely served to yield and increased level of pain.
i have been adding to my own burden all along.

Just for today...
bring it on disease, i aint afraid of you anymore, i aint afraid of hurt anymore, i ain't running anymore,
i'm too fucking tired and i refuse to keep on co-operating with you.

today we go to battle and the stakes are my life.

FOR THE RECORD JACKIE...

I WANT TO SAY THAT I AM SORRY. BECAUSE I REALIZE THAT I MUST'VE MADE YOU FEEL PRETTY INADEQUATE, UNLOVED AND UNAPPRECIATED. I HAD TO HAVE MADE YOU FEEL THAT WAY BECAUSE I HONESTLY FELT THAT. I BARELY LOVED YOU, DIDN'T APPRECIATE YOU AND FELT AT TIMES THAT YOU WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. IT HAD TO BE A DEVASTATING BLOW TO YOU BECAUSE IT WASN'T THAT WAY IN THE BEGINNING. I WAS ALL THOSE THINGS AT FIRST AND THEN I CHANGED AND YOU CONTINUED TO TRY AND YOU HELD ON. I CRY NOW NOT FOR ME BUT FOR YOU. AND I ALSO RAISE MY HAND IN THANKS AND PRAISE TO GOD FOR ALLOWING YOU TO FIND WITHIN YOURSELF THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO SAY "NO MORE" AND TO SEEK OUT WHAT YOUTRULY DESERVE: HAPPINESS.
JUST FOR TODAY... DREW IS COMING BACK, READY TO SHINE, EVEN BETTER THAN I WAS BEFORE AND SHOULD YOU EVER LOOK AROUND TO SEE HOW I'M DOING, I WON'T BE HARD TO FIND. JUST FOLLOW THE LIGHT...

What is love anyway...

Love is when i'm holding my baby son and he's being clingy (i like that) and then he suddenly wants to get down off daddy's lap and go play. he basically wants nothing to do with daddy so i move out of his way and accept his decision to live and enjoy life. he has that right, as we all do, even my ex. sometimes you have to love a peron enough to accept them as they are and the decisions that they make.

Just for today i celebrate my ex's new found happiness. i thank God for her well-being. I pray that He watches over and protects her. i thnk God for this experience in which it took a God sized boot in my ass to evict the child in me so that the man could begin to grow.

peace

What i really want...

is her back. not in the shitty way that things used to be. but in the way things were when we first met. somewhere i got lost . the confident, strong, happy, loving, charismatic guy that she first met he died and someone else was left taking my place.

i want her back, and the best way to get her back is to get busy finding the old drew.
not only that but get busy finding a way to keep him here once i locate him.

easier said than done? not really the hurt feelings tend to distract me, but not as much as they used to.

i want her back so when i feel like calling i'm going to tell myself that the way to get her back is to leave her alone.
leave her alone, make big money, be who i was, be responsible, be a good friend, be a good father, be a good man.

i want her back and the way to get her is to build up my relationship with God. Strengthen my recovery, be more giving and loving to others.

i want her back and to get her i have to become the old drew again and then some.

big goal? maybe. but well worth the effort. why because i want her back.

and in the process maybe i will "come to" and decide that she's not really what i want after all.or maybe i wll realize that there isnt the slightest chance of me getting her back at all. but the good news in all that is that along the way i will learn to be ok with me, God and life.

yeah i want her back and...
Just for today... I think I'm going to get her. it going to take a lot of work and a lot of time but i'm willing to do all that and more because...

i want her back.

Talking with God...

life's waves have been rocking my boat as this storms been raging. but like all storms eventually pass this one is losing intensity. (thank you God) it is still a big boy but its not paralyzing and as crippling. i have been working on acceptance (of this being in God's hands); powerlessness (thats been more of a lesson in reality); trust and faith (i really have no choice in that matter either since i am truly powerless); surrender(i'm just too tired to keep on fighting) as well as other principles such as honesty, etc.

but today i have been specifically focusing on perspective: i really didnt want to stay committed (for whatever reasons) and just because things didnt end the way i wanted them to - that shouldnt throw my world into a tizzy (but it did, oh well)

so today i look at things like "thank God, i'm not using drugs" or dead or dealing a lot more perious struggles such as with my health or loss of life within my circle of friends and family. Because some people are going through those things today.
in the grand scheme of things this isnt really all that - its big to me, but maybe thats because i choose to allow it to be big.

now i am fighting back: i am choosing to think about positive things and find my gratitude (working on my perspective).

today i am practicing a great deal more humility than i ever have before.

i told God that i really want her back and i asked Him if He could help me...

since i have been praying and meditating so much more intensely i believe that my conscious contact is strong (when i am willing to exercise my free will and listen) well today i listened and He told me that "everybody has free will and i can't make anybody love anybody else"
so i said "but you can raise people's awareness right? why dont you do that for me then?"
He said "I can do that, but a person still has to be willing to recognize the signs and they still always have free will"
then He said "if you want her back then your best bet is to trust Me, take care of you, wotk on improving you, show respect for her decision, no crying, no calling, just keep on walking acting as if you believe that I got this unde control. this isnt a guarantee, but what will happen is that you will be ok. you will either be ok with getting back with her or you will be ok with doing something different, but you will be ok"
i said "can you help me to get closer to you? feel your prescence and a real thing so that i can find comfort in knowing that you have everything under control?"
"He said pay attention to the evidence of my works. Trust me this will turn out ok, I have already given you what you need. You will be better as a reesult of this and with or without her you will be happy"
i said "i believe you, i just wish i could have more proof. i want to know that i know that you are real and really right here and you really have this all under control." "i guess i just need more proof"
then my telephone rang and it was my daughter calling: "proof enough ?"

maybe, i am grateful, but i really still need more go.

Just for today i have no choice but to put my trust in God.

Closure with a capital "K"

Oh shit guess who's done it again...

me thats who.
i listened to my disease brain tell me to turn and drive down past her house.
her car wasn't in the driveway.
wait, its after midnight and she gets up at six.
so i'm thinking that she is getting high - there have been a series of coincidences that led me to this conclusion but i suspected that after today she would expose herself - since she had been broke but now i gave her some money.
so she aint home and on the way back from the store she still wasnt home - so hell yeah she's using.

thats the fantasy - the reality is that my disease had going full blast.
it told me to stake out her house, but first drive by a couple of her friends houses then stalk... i mean stake out her house.
why? because i had to see for myself...

so i waited about a half hour then right when my friend talked me into leaving here she comes driving real slow and kinda crooked...
so i jumped out of the car and got right in her face...
and...
she didnt look at all high ?!?!?!?!
and she was pissed off.
i tried to actually convince her that she was high and i could tell "look at your pupils" "check out your behavior"
but she wasnt biting
she didn't even look slightly buzzed
fuck
i almost kinda in a sick way wish that she was (not really me but my disease does)
because then it would explain everything.
but oh well things could always get worse right?
yeah they can
i had to ask the question
you know the question,
so you been out all this time chasing some dick ?
and she said yes.
i just turned and walked away.
Just for today - maybe i shouldnt have chosen the name that i did. i might've cursed myself, but gthe good news is, that i aint mad, upset or hurt - not at all - just really relieved.

because she is my reservation...
peace.

As night falls...

everything is still cool...

really - i'm not lying.

i've been praying when the butterflies come and its working.

i've been talking to friends and staying positive.

and i met somebody who's spending the night - with me. (uh ooooohhh... i was warned about that, could i be headed for more trouble? i don't think so but then what do i know. hehehehehe) it helps my bruised self-esteem, i don't feel ugly anymore.

i think i like women, maybe i'll have 2 or 3 as friend/companions.

no offense to anybody - its just where i'm at today. besides it helps to ease the other feelings. so...

Just for today i gotta do what i gotta do and they say that i am right where i am supposed to be.

Just For Today

This is going to sound a little bit unbelievable (i aint mad at you if you doubt me) but i didn't read the letter at the marriage counsellors. i actually didn't even go there. something occurred to me: if you love someone then respect them and their wishes even if it doesn't coincide with what YOU want.

PERIOD.

if i plan to practice this philosophy, if i am showing something different then i need to start right the fuck now!

so i picked her up, told her that we don't have to go at all. told her that i respect her and wish her all the best.

i'm done causing stress in her life. i'm ready to spread my wings and start applying the principles in my life again. i'm ready to learn the lessons of this experience and grow from it.
i'm ready to be drew again !

ahhhhhh... it feels good to be back.
my disease tries to tell me lies, the lies are so effective because they come in the form of my own thoughts and i typically believe them.
but...


Just For Today...

disease you can kiss my ass. me and God are going to be just fine.

REAL TALK

last night it was suggested to me that I get real with GOD. tell HIM the truth: that I don't trust HIM and that I fear that HE will not handle things the way that I want them handled. ask HIM to give ME the power to use my tools and survive this situation in my life.

so i did.

and today "she" called and we had a civil conversation which ended in her agreeing to go to a couples counsellor with me today (with an open mind)

ok GOD, i see you working.
right?

weeeeeeeeeeell...

a few hours later she called sounding troubled and i asked what was wrong and a conversation ensued which consisted of her telling me she is basically open-minded as long as it forwards her agenda ?!?!?!?!?

this is the following letter that i have written to her and that i will take to the counsellors...


YOU ARE RIGHT...

i dont think you're wrong

your feelings are real just like mine.

i was listening to you say

1. you are bitter
(over time we can be forgiving - we have done it before and we can do it again)

2. you don't want to repeat the same mistakes & be unhappy
(me neither - that's insane. we have never been here before this is not a repeat. - this is an eye opening first.)

3. you may think that something out there can offer you more or better happiness
(whatever is out there will take work also - we have put in so much work already - learning about each other and loving each other and growing together - maybe we deserve to reap the rewards of all our hard work)

i believe that we both shared a love and a committment - i believe that - i don't know that we have been miserable for years - we had our moments for sure but we had our moments of great joy also -
where we difer is that you don't believe that things can change - what i say is:

we have invested too much and have a great family and a powerful love that has survived the disease of addiction and that it can also survive this ---

for the sake of the four of us and the others who may also be affected - let's be willing to see if God can move in our lives right now at this place where we have never been before - this is not the same old story - i have never hurt you like this before & i have never been hurt like this before - we have never gone outside our relationship before & we have never separated before. this is all new not the same.


let's let the counsellors counsel and lets let God be God and let's keep our hearts and minds open and let's see what we see in this session - our kids deserve the best regardless of what my personal wants may be... because if i hold on then i will be happy knowing that we are all happy (i just happen to believe that i can love you through this place that you are in right now)

prior to talking to her i had called a few people and reminded myself not to get my hopes up too high (yeah right)

but i am not devastated...
nor hurt...
but only hopeful...

Just For Today: God, I know you hear me: am i a fool for believing that true love endures. that my little family can be spared the ill affects of a divorce. that if i am but willing to work hard and hold on through all the hurt and discouragement, that as a reward for all of our years of hard work and committment that the prize can be ours... the prize being true blessed joy ?

God please don't let me be wrong...

PLEASE !

ok the gloves are off...

so maybe i thought that if i didn't say anything that this shit would blow over on its own. kinda like a distoreted acting as if thing (you know)?

anyway here's whats up:

nothing has changed - in fact things are getting worse. i am pertrified that my next goof will cause her to call the cops on me.

my self-respect is wanning & her respect for me is also.

I keep clowning - placing bugs on her computer so i can see who she's talking to - so i can get mad and hurt and crazy.

i'm done.

i confessed in an open meeting and surrendered and asked for help

people are going to stick with me all day tomorrow.

three guys shared that their similar experiences landed them in jail - i ain't going out like that.

people shared wiht me that they knew me bofore i got with her and that i was afraid of being by myself then (5 years ago) snd now its time for me to face the fear - they also shared that i have what it takes to handle this and that from this i will indeed grow. they reminded me that they all love me just the same now as they did when we were together (she's also in the program and we attended the same meetings in this small town)
which incidently brings me to my next point: she was so aggrivated with me tyhat she went into the meeting and shared about my behavior in the meeting where everybody knew who she was talking about.
i wasn't angry or embarrassed - i actually understand that she has to do what she feels is necessary for her recovery. i pushed her to this point. i have to change. i understand (normally she would never do anything like that)

so no more promises, oaths, deals or reservations. now i am rolling on pure fear (fear of being locked up. they say when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of the unknown then we will change. weeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll... i think my time has come.
today is my new clean date for this chaotic mess (i can't even call it a relationship anymore - i have destroyed that long ago).

JUST FOR TODAY: fuck it, even an broken clock is right twice a day (meaning that even old braindead can finally have enough pain to try something different)


DISCLAIMER: hey i ain't making this stuff up for dramatic effect. this just is what it is and i just write about it to the best of my ability. i thank God for those of you who give unselfishly in order to help the 'still suffering'. You are angels and my God is smiling on you. May the worst of your future surpass the best of your past.
I love you.
Kepp praying for my (and if you haven't been praying for me: then please start)

Posted on my poetry site today...

http://deepesthonesty.blogspot.com/


this doesn't mean that I am meloncholy or anything like that,
I just felt like writing

Back in Ohio

Everything's still cool