BRAINDEAD GENIUS - life, liberty & the pursuit of sanity

checking in

2008-04-13T22:27:00.002-04:00

5 months A.B. - (after break-up & break-down); i have found a sense of peace and acceptance. Life is not so bad. I can't say that i don't have mild wishes or thoughs of "what if", "if only" and "just one more time" but its not intense at all. In fact I am more interested in finding more peace, a better life for me & the kids and seeking a stronger bond with the God of my understanding.
Just for today life is a trip. You can be sitting on top of the world one minute and then find yourself right smack in the middle of a shit storm the next - but i know that i know that i know that i know one thing - we ain't never ever ever gotta use again. We can get by with a little help from our friends.
Thanks to all my friends.

Awakening...

2008-03-12T14:17:00.002-04:00

this is the story of a father and his son.
one day they took a stroll around the block. the son decided to run ahead of the father as he was enjoying himself so much.
the father watched lovingly, protectively and with much pride observing the beauty of his son.
the son splashed in the mud and the snow making a mess and having a ball.
the father occassionally offered his hand to the son, but the son declined; he could handle things he decided.
the son slipped on ice a time or two and the father was always there to help him up and comfort and encourage his son. when the son ran fast the father kept up always right there out of view but always within reach.
as the son enjoyed himself so much the father was equally pleased.

the point is that this happened to me today literally as i took a walk with my two sons. during our walk i felt that my Father also watches over me and is always within reach and even though i don't always take His hand it is always available to me without fail. and just as my own sons are limited in their awareness (sometimes seeing only what they want, versus whats practical or dangerous to them) i too am limited whereas my Father is not.

the more i find myself enjoying the company of my children i am growing in my understanding of how much my Father loves me.

Just for today - i am so fortunate to have God in my life, and all the things, people and experiences that enhance my relationship with Him. My gratitude speaks when i share my love and experience with another human being (sometimes when i just share it with myself)
peace.

for once in my life...

2008-03-11T22:20:00.002-04:00

man oh man this shit ain't never easy.
it ain't exactly hard but there are times when i just have to cry.
i am grieving the loss of something precious to me.
i am excited about the direction my life is going in.
i am a little anxious about all the changes that are taking place so rapidly in my little world.
i am extremely grateful about having my kids, my relationship with God and my support network in such abundance.
so i do cry at times - for different reasons.
i am feeling on a whole different level.
i find myself going with the flow moreso lately - less fight and less self-will.
i surrender and accept more.
and this is cool.
i want to do things at times that aren't good for me but i sit still and do nothing which is awesome.
step seven is taking on a new meaning in my life: finally i am becoming more and more aware of that which i have been searching for all my life: someone or something which truly loves me, validates me, completes me, forgives me, understands me, supports me and has my best interests at heart - even when i don't know what's best for me.
a father figure; i never had one of those things.
but i am coming to believe that the God of my understanding is all that and even more.
funny how you can know something - and then you can KNOW something.
Just for today i am grateful for the experiences that have transformed my understandings from that of an intellectual basis into something more spiritual and life changing.
finally i think i am understanding that things really are working out in my favor.

mixed emotions

2008-03-09T23:20:00.002-04:00

man today i had the strongest feels of sadness that i have had in a while, i felt like calling and begging my ex to give me another chance so bad that it was killing me.
but i know better than to do that one.
i knew that the feeling would pass and it did - thank God.

i aint trying to beg nobody to be with me - not today.
especially somebady that doesn't want me.
damn that sounds so common sense but when my thinking goes nutty it really goes nutty - cuz for a moment i forget that this is my reality.
so i prayed, talked about my feelings and stayed in reality until the feelings passed.

then i got the kids and things started definitely looking up.
then i went to the meeting and all the girls were on me (the cute ones anyway) i know that they are all just forms of medication for me right now but damn it felt good to be the hot boy once again.
i aint never the ugly guy, and i got me some fresh new clothes (my old stuff doesn't fit anymore, after shedding so much weight and i am still 20 pounds lighter than i was in december) but it's my spirit.
it's not so dark and depressed anymore and that light that shined in me before is rekindled and it's very attractive.
that confidence that i used to have is back.
basically Drew is back, but this time better than ever.
and much wiser.
more humble and a whole lot of other things that give me the hope that if & when God sees fit to let me have another chance at the love game - that i will be capable of maintaining it, cherishing it abnd holding on to it.

so my day consisted of highs and lows and its ok.
Just for today i have learned to hold on stay on the path and trust that "this too shall pass"
and never ever forget that "God is good"
if you didn't know, you do now.
peace

trust and faith...

2008-03-09T15:52:00.002-04:00

i know that there are times when my trust in my Higher Power wavers; mostly when i am hurting, fearful and when what i want isn't in alignment with His will.
there are times when i am all twisted up on the inside, not sure that He is really going to work this all out for me.
what i mean is that i am kinda lonely at times (it helps so much when my kids are with me) yeah i have my friends and that helps too, but i still have difficulties not having a "special somebody" in my life.
i am adjusting pretty well, but there are still those times...
insanity whispers in my ear urging me to call or go find somebody, anybody to ease the pain/fear. but i am standing strong.
i haven't had sex in a while and surprisingly that isn't the hard part at all.
i miss being in love.
i know that this too shall pass.
i know that as i continue to reach for God and allow His love to fill me up that i will get better and better,
but my disease or my thinking wants results today, if not yesterday.
but oh well
even though this is uncomfortable - it isn't agony.
so i guess i will survive it.
i know that if i act out then i run the risk of creating agony in my own life and possibly others.
so i stand here
afraid that maybe God in His divine wisdom won't see fit to give me what i want.
afraid of not knowing what lies ahead and how i will navigate the upcoming twists and turns in my life's roads.
but JUST FOR TODAY:
God is good, my life is good, it's ok to voice my feelings, fears and concerns. So far as i continue on this path, everything is working out beautifully - maybe not the way i want it but in a fantastic way none-the-less.
peace.

tears...

2008-03-08T02:10:00.002-05:00

as the tears roll down my cheeks and hit my keyboard a message suddenly reveals itself as the drops hit the keys in a certain pattern that forms the words that express what my mouth never could:
if you could feel the emotion in these tears you would know devastating pain and hurt, disappointment, rejection, betrayal, and hopelessness and yet as you continue to feel your way along their path you would discover much joy, and happiness, serenity, optimism, trust faith and courage, forgiveness and understanding, you would find great humility and gratitude, you would feel so much gratitude that it is confusing. so much gratitude and feelings of unworthiness to be receiving all that i have been getting. so many feelings of being unsure if i am able to live up to the responsibility of having been given so much and wanting to give my very all in return.
i have cried many tears and still i weep, but today it is not of pain that the drops roll down my cheeks - it is from the absolute appreciation that i have toward my Higher Power who has brought me to it and then through it and has in effect begun the process of re-creating me. i see with eyes that were once blinded, and my hearing has been adjusted with the spirit of open-mindedness, my heart has been touched and operated on with a spiritual surgery that is allowing me to experience life in a way which is more rich than ever before,
Just for today i have all that i need, at best i am only human and i suffer from a disease from which there is no known cure, but i am dedicated to doing my best to stay on this path and i am ready to shed many more tears if thats what i need to do.
feel free to cry with me sometime.
peace.

what is this...?

2008-03-08T01:52:00.000-05:00

that comforts me when i am uneasy.
that relieves me when i am in pain.
that gives me courage when i afraid.
reassures me when i am unsure,
encourages me when i am in doubt,

that loves me in a way that never fails
has no conditions, strings attached or hidden agendas,
loves me in a way that is forgiving, understanding, accepting and patient.
loves me in a way that completes me and takes nothing away.

what is it?

where does the strength come from that keeps me moving forward when i want to lie down and give up?
how am i able to love myself and take care of myself suddenly when all my life that had only been an impossible dream ?
why am i so filled up when my emptiness had here-to-fore defined me?

why is this experience so good?
what have i done to deserve so much?
how can something be so generous... to someone like me?

how can i ever repay this?
what can i do beyond giving my entire life,
...as only a down payment?

why is it that i am so overwhelmed even though i am only beginning to know the answer to these questions?

it's no mystery that i am hungry for more and more of "this".
that i will do all that i imperfectly can to fill my cup up until it runneth over with more of "this".

why do i feel as though i have found what i have searched my entire life for?

only a small taste of "this" has me hooked and i can't get enough.

i want more.
i want it all.
i want it now.

i pray and accept that all things come in His time.

i am so grateful.
i am so happy.
i am so very fortunate, to have found this path or rather that the path has found me.

just for today, i wish everyone love, peace and a greater understanding of "this" awesome love that i have found in a Higher Power that i choose to call God.

yes sir

2008-03-06T23:16:00.002-05:00

another day moving along on this path, and things are looking up.
i got a chance to enjoy a full day with my boys which is always awesome !
i got the good news about a job that i had been hoping for - and the pay is perfect.
it even has hours that won't interfere with my visitation with the kids !
my apartment hunt is no longer a stressful ordeal.
my recovery process is progressing beautifully - addicts call me for help with their catastrophic "relationshits of lust" (as this one addict affectionately referred to his love affair gone bad).
it is a blessing to be able to give some hope to another soul in pain.
God is good - i'm here to tell you.
Just for today I am standing for something, i have principles and values that i choose not to compromise in the name of a feeling.
i am doing my very best each day to put one foot in front of the other and keep on working on ME.
i have my work cut out for me - but it really ain't as bad as i thought it would be.
this week i bought my son a few outfits and some other essentials and felt good for doing it - not just dishing out cash, but actually taking him in the dressing room and having him try things on. i bought him and his brother some goodies today and took them to the park and i am discovering that the more i give to them the more i get for me.
i am back on track with my business too - i put in more work getting contracts this week than in all of last year.
bottom line: when i stop looking for someone to help me, i can start looking to myself for help. after all nobody should care for my business more than i care for it.
Just for today, self-love is an action word and i am living it.
single and free -who woulda thunk it possible ?

time to move on...

2008-03-04T12:52:00.002-05:00

time to move.
i have to leave my residence by april first which kinda scares me to death.
i know that God has me if i just do the next right thing.
i stay prayerful and practicing trust and faith along with courage.
i keep moving forward and i am optimistic about my future.
God has brought me a long way in these past several months.
i am so very grateful.
just for today i don't want to cause any harm to anyone.
i want to continue to pursue my recovery and mind my business and leave others where they are.
i pray for everybody's well being.
i am learning to take care of my resposibilities today.
i am not perfect nor will i ever be, but i am becoming more ok with who i am, and learning to be ok with who others are.
i have not been trying to force outcomes, instead i try to be ok wiht things as they are.
i thank God for the awareness of my defects of character - i have so much work to do and yet all i have to do is ask for God to remove them from me.
just for today i am powerless and i accept this fact - but it isn't frightening anymore because i have truly come to believe in a POWER that is able to restore, direct me, love me and forgive me when i stray off course.
God is good ! life is good ! and just for today I am good, even though i find myself struggling with feelings from time to time.

Oh yeah, i have been asked to share my story 3 more times in the next 3 months. i shared in in a small town in jan.; in new york in feb.; a local town near here in march, cinty in april, and my own home town in may - i asked my sponsor if i shouldn't say no to some of these invitations (i am not trying to venture into ego-inflating experiences) he told me that evidently God wants me to speak and tell my story. he told me that with my personality and my honesty and my experiences God may be able to use me to touch a life or two. i was so honored to hear that. i really want to do whatever God wants me to do today - becuase i have no doubt in my mind today that i would not be here if it weren't for Him and this God given program. i am so grateful and this is a debt that i could never repay. my sponsor told me that i need to stand up and show that this program and God works miracles ! that there are people watching me; some watching and hoping i fall, some praying that i make it and others who just don't know but need to know that today i stand and claim victory ! and i give the glory to the God of my understanding for doing for me what i could not do for myself. this program works, we do recover, we don't have to use NO MATTER WHAT ! and God is definitely good today.
if a hot mess like me can find freedom, then anybody can.
this road is far from over, but i am giong to do my personal best on a daily basis and leave the results to God.
thanks - i love you - and i wish you peace.

Hello Cleveland !

2008-03-01T16:06:00.003-05:00

I made it to cleveland's convention safe & sound - thank God.
today i caught a brief glimpse of life after "the ex" and it looked good.
i just had a vision of me being happy with myself and maybe even with someone else - it was good to be free from the never ending thoughts of "waiting and holding on" hoping that maybe we'd reconcile.
i am on my sixth step and i have become painfully aware of some of my defects and i am very optimistic about what me & God can do with my life.
i am relieved to know that i dont have to stay stuck in a pattern of living that ends in hurt and disappointment.
i am very hopeful that i can now find freedom and happiness in my life.
i am grateful to God for the program of Narcotics Anonymous for giving me a life.
Just for today God is Good & so is life.
Peace

Hitting Bottom !

2008-02-27T21:33:00.002-05:00

yesterday i lost my mind.
yeah again.
through a series of events i ended up shoving one person and threatening to kill another.
i was hurt and angry (to say the least)
when the mention of calling the cops occurred i immediately got restored to sanity.
i don't like cops or jail.
so i cried and hurt and apologized to the individuals involved and i share with my support people and finally a light bulb came on.
i found a new understanding of what's really been going on with me.

today something different happened to me:
i shared at a meeting and then got up and went outside and cried.
now crying ain't nothing new to me
but the reason i was crying was...
this time it wasn't because of pain
neither mine or anybody else's
this time it had nothing to do with self-pity
nothing to do with my ex what-so-ever

this time i was crying because i finally have a clue
it's like i have been getting my ass kicked by an invisible man
and i couldn't defend myself at all
but now somebody has poured some paint on him and i can at leaset duck and fight back !

i cried because of the overwhelming gratitude that i have for the messengers that God has placed into my life - those that answered my many many calls
those that kept on talking to me - even though they knew that i could not hear a word they were saying
those that kept on praying for me
kept on loving me
kept on encouraging me
reaching out to me
holding me up
refusing to let me fall
i cried because i realize how awesome God is for keeping me and strengtheing me during these trials and not allowing me to fall and ensuring that i did not have to walk this path alone.

i am crying now because i am so grateful to this program that is giving me all that i need to live and to fight for my life against a disease that has ravaged me day after day, week after week, month after month - CLEAN !

i hadn't a freakin clue of what i was really up against - peopl kept saying that i was the problem and i couldn't understand...
but i kept on holding on until understanding finally came to me.

the battle has only just begun but i am spiritually refreshed and renewed.
i am eager and willing

i am ready to fight back for my life and my sanity.

just for today i ain't hurting at all, this disease has tried to toss a few hurting thoughts my way today but i was able to defend myself with the truth and the application of spiritual principles.

just for today i have one thing to say to my support people: Thanks
one thing to say to God: thanks
and one thing to say to my disease: let's get ready to rumble mother fucker !

true to my name...

2008-02-25T18:26:00.002-05:00

dude !
i am feeling exceptionally good today !
just finished talking with my sponsor and i have found freedom !
i have made the ultimate decision in my life today:
i am no longer giving away my power and i don't have to anymore.
i used to think that people had to respect my boudaries - but today i realize that boundaries are made for ME to respect and enforce.
what a concept !
it never occured to me that this was the case.
but now i finally understand and i will NOT allow anybody to violate MY boundaries.
also i have finally arrived back into the land of reality:
i ain't holding my breath anymore, fuck it.
today i am single and alive and i aint stalling out my life a minute longer.
it's been months and i finally woke up
maybe it was because we had "sex" yesterday and that brought me back to my senses.
it wasn't angelic, the earth didn't move - it was good but oh well, there's plenty of good sex out there if that's all i'm going to settle for.
so just for today i have been praying to God for closure on all unhealthy relationships in my life and i think i have re-discovered the power to walk the path.
hell yeah
i feel great today
it is truly a great day to be drew.
oh yeah for those that don't know already:
I AM DREW !
Just for today, i don't care what a person says i ain't budging on my path, because my path leads to peace, growth and a closer walk with my God - if you represent any type of disruption to that then i won't allow you to be a part of my life.
not me.
why?
because i'm drew dammit
God's child.
and with God's love i don't really need much else.
peace.

Go figure...

2008-02-25T16:22:00.002-05:00

i woke up today feeling no pain, thanking God and so far i have been having a wonderful day.
life is not bad at all.
Just for today - life is for the living, i think i'll go live it. after all, this is not a dress rehearsal.
peace

two steps back...

2008-02-24T15:19:00.002-05:00

dude ! i thought i was so together but i am not.
yet.
i am back frowning again, stomach hurting again, mind racing again.
this sucks.
it aint as bad as its been but shit it still sucks.
all befcause of events from a couple days ago.
then i see her again today, all smiles and happy and i just want to say to her:
that i don't even know how you do it...
i am still stuck i guess but it will get better
i just have to avoid certain scenarios at all costs.
i hate it but i know this is what has to happen for my sake.
this still sucks
but it will pass
it always does
thank God.

Focus

2008-02-23T23:26:00.002-05:00

Just for today I am keeping my focus.
i met some awesome people in new york, made contacts for upcoming events.
i laughed, shared, and got my spirit lifted again and again.
i kept in touch with my people back home and worked my ass off.
oh yeah i prayed like a man on a mission TO God.
Talked with my sponsor and closest friends, stayed hooked up and feel overall good today.
i called a newcomer and checked on him, hugged a bunch a people and allowed God to do His this in my life once again.
Thank God for His love and power.
I was trying to fall into the dumps, but no sir not today.
Everybody take care of yourselves.
peace

Wow !

2008-02-22T22:17:00.002-05:00

All I can say is wow !
its been a helluva 24 hours in my life.
It all began when my ex came to visit me,
that was very unusual and i was caught off guard, thinking that she'd never again bother with me.
anyway she didnt want anything other than to say that she misses me sometimes and we ended up kissing.
that was cool.
no promises, no plans nothing
cool
but you know i have this way over active imagination that says we'll be back together again and stuff like that
well i had to stay in reality, especially after i rode past her house at 5am (on my way to new york) and saw that she wasn't even home.
my imagination says that she was at her boyfriends house
i ended up feeling quite hurt, i actually drove 9 hours in agony
but i held up and prayed my way through
i talked to my sponsor and he did what sponsors do - kept me in touch with reality.
and reminded me to stay prayed up.
so i was getting better, being at a convention can have that effect on a guy ya know.
so as God would have it - the committee asked me if i felt like speaking.
why me right?
i thought it was because i have that kind of personality
but in hindsight i really believe that it was God working
because after i said ok
and as i was heading to the room to speak someone told me that the topic was
RIDING OUT THE STORM
hahahahahahahahahahahaaa
at any rate
me and God did a fine job
and now i feel great, got plenty of hugs and everybody felt me !
God is awesome
all the time
just for today
i am making boundaries that stand, i am tired of contributing to my own misery
peace
God loves you and so do I

Speechless...

2008-02-20T21:30:00.002-05:00

when i try to put into words the way i feel about my higher power i am lost.
i have become aware of how awesome He is.
how much He loves me.
how He has placed people in my life to deliver His message to me.
how He has persisted in loving me, helping me, protecting me all my life and patiently waited for me to come to Him, to receive Him and all His love.
how undeserving i am.
how all i can do is cry sometimes...
tears of gratitude for finally being brought into a place where i can no longer deny
the obvious: that there is a Power greater than me than is all and loves me.
today all i can do is thank God
over and over again
for everything
i even thank Him for this process for as much pain as i have experienced, i am aware that without this i may have remained distracted and lost.
i am grateful for His love that comforts me, encourages me, lifts my spirit, makes today beautiful, makes my future bright and wonderful,
gives me peace and security
i only want to become the best instrument that i can possibly be to serve His will and purpose for me
just for today i am doing very well - thank God.
just for today i am excited about this path, i can't wait to get more and more of this
i see others walking this path and i am grateful for them showing me the way
i will do my part each day to stay on this path
i feel like i am at my very first meeting surrendering that old tired existence for a new way of life...
just for today i thank God for my recovery, my life and for everything.

riding the waves...

2008-02-19T17:14:00.001-05:00

the highs are great.
the lows are not.
but i am riding, holding on with both hands.
God is good.

Survival...

2008-02-19T11:31:00.002-05:00

I made it through the night.
thank God.
i feel pretty good today.
thank God.
i got plenty of work to do today and i have my nutty son with me, which makes doing anything challenging.
thank God.
i think we're going to have an awesome day today.
thank God !

I'm Not A Faker...

2008-02-19T01:30:00.002-05:00

i am not faking when i write that life is getting better but i have to be honest when i say that there are times when i can not fucking believe that this is happening to me.
i feel as thoug i have lost my life.
my everything.
i want so desperately to have back what i lost.
i struggle to keep from kicking myself on a daily basis for losing what i had.
for not appreciating what i had prayed for.
i feel like such a fucking asshole.
damn i hate this shit.
its getting better but i just can't help holding my breath and waiting and hoping for what i hope will be another chance.
everyday i lose a little more hope.
everyday i fell a little bit better and yet a little bit worse.
i would hate to think that it is over forever.
i hate to think that that is now my reality.
God knows i don't want to believe this.
in my heart i just won't stop believing in true love, that it will never really just die.
although each day i hurt more and knowing that what was once mine has now moved on to someone else...
i hurt so terrifically.
i wonder how love could hurt so bad.
i wonder how someone can love you and watch you suffer so badly.
i have to wonder if it's really love after all.
and that part really fuckin hurts.
Jesus help me make it through the night.
i don't think i can do it alone...
Just for today my gratitude is that I know i don't have to and pretty soon, this will all be over, one way or another - i guess i am just very, very afraid that God's will won't be the same as mine.
please don't let this be the case God, please.

Tenth Step

2008-02-18T21:24:00.002-05:00

i am doing better than i feel.
God is getting me through this.
i am learning more about recovery, God, myself and this disease than i ever thought possible.
it still sucks though.
i still hurt from time to time, not as bad and for not as long but it still hurts.
i still actually cry.
i cried today in fact.
but oh well...
it is what it is.
i am powerless.
i wil not add to my own misery by continuing to make contact.
i am grateful.
for the passing of this storm and all the blessings it has brought me.
i am a rock and will not be moved - not today.
me, God and the fellowship, program and steps can get me through whatever, i believe !
i am grateful for my new job, my new life, my son, my family, friends and renewed relationships in and out of this program.
i am especially grateful for my future which i believe will be a happy, joyous and free one.
yes i do hurt from time to time but me & God are going to be alright.
Just for today my prayers go out to the addict that still suffers, the addict that has no clue what this disease can do to you CLEAN, and to the addicts that have not found a power greater than themselves.
We do recover and my life is the message of hope.
Peace.

Faith & Fear

2008-02-18T10:16:00.002-05:00

I haven't been writing much lately, I been doing stepwork, attending meetings, celebrating my 3 year anniversary, sharing with my support people, fellowshipping with friends and just basically working on creating a better life for me.
There have been high points and low points - the storm ain't over yet.
But... God has been pulling me through.
Today i have plenty of evidence that He is...
I can sleep in my own bed alone without freaking out. I can turn down the company of a woman and choose to be alone. I can get through the day without crying or calling or doing things that harm myself and others. I have been working very hard but the glory goes to my Higher Power who gives me what I need to make it through.
I have fear today - i have begun to face a new reality:
you see i have been keeping the faith that someday i would get that relationship back, sooner or later i was hoping that i might get another chance, I have been moving forward with my life but i have never fully given up hoping, wishing and waiting.
Well yesterday I talked to my ex and she told me that she had been thinking about it (which doesn't mean much and it certainly doesn't change the reality that we are still apart) but it gave me hope. I kept my focus on reality and didn't give in to the fantasy but it prompted me to start thinking about how things would be...
would thingsd ever really be the same, has there been damage that can't be repaired, how will i feel if i had the chance to hold her again, will my trust be damaged?
i am afraid because i am really starting to see that there is a chance that that relationship is gone forever.
i have fear that the longer we are apart the the less likely that we could ever return to each other. i have been hurt and can i ever really forgive and forget?
i have fears but i also have a willingness to try, but how long will this last?
for the longest time all i knew was three things:
1. i don't want to get high - no matter what
2. i want the pain to end
3. i want her back
now i am looking at what the reality of never ever getting her back and a new lesser form of grief and closure.
i think it would really be a sad shame after all that we have invested in that relationship to just let it die - i think together we are both some very beautiful people who value family and recovery and that we have much to look forward to.
but i guess God's will will be done and i just have to keep on trusting in Him and believeing that everything is going to be ok.
Just for today I may not know what lies ahead on this path, but i betcha i'm going to keep travelling on it - CLEAN!
God Bless

May God Bless...

2008-02-11T13:47:00.000-05:00

Just for today I don't have to be the crying little boy angry at life and God for not allowing me to have what I want. I can accept God's will and trust that His plan is perfect (not always to my liking or understanding).
Today I can recognize my blessings and be grateful for my process, keep the focus on me, do what i have to do for me.
Just for today I can get into the solution and stop focusing on what i think the problem is.
I can take time out to recognize that God is and has been working it all out all along.
Just for today I can be at peace with my life and find gratitude in knowing that I do not have to travel alone or try to figure everything out by myself.
Just for today I can be grateful that God is in control and I no longer have to fool myself into believing that I am running things.
I can let go and let God.
Just for today I can pray for others, care about others best interests, hope that people have success in their lives and move aside and enjoy others' processess trusting that God will get us all where we need to be when we need to be there.
Just for today - i can stop all the crying and whining and return to living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
God has been carrying me through (using plenty of angels and messengers) and I have far too much to be grateful for to be wasting my time complaining.
Thank you God for another day in the land of the living - CLEAN !
I love you, and I wish you peace in your life.

Baby Mama...

2008-02-10T04:30:00.000-05:00

Thanks for being so fair,
The way you made a decision that affected my family
I appreciate the way you took no one else’s feelings into consideration
The way you just changed all our lives
I hope you find what you need
Thanks for being so fair
I am grateful that I can see my son 4 or 5 times a week
That’s just great
Thanks
I’d like to thank you from his heart too, I know he’s too young to speak about it
But I’m sure that he’s happy to be able to see his dad, sometimes
Thanks from our son.
Thanks also from your son
Remember him?
The one who’s dad abandoned him,
The one I took in as my own.
Though it wasn’t easy, over time he and I established a bond,
He had a dad again.
Had.
Yeah I know that he doesn’t know how to express his true feelings so I’ll say it for him:
Thanks
Now we barely see each other.
Thanks for being so God damned fair
To yourself
And for considering us
For believing in the commitment that we made to each other
All of us
Not just you and me
But our family
Thanks for playing God and deciding what was best for us all
Thanks for not taking any time out to consider us
Or reconsider
Thanks for changing peoples lives forever
From all of us little people that you may have forgotten about
Us, that also have feelings.
In case you didn’t know how we felt
I just want to tell you
Thanks.
I hope you have all the fun in the world – I guess that’s what really matters most in your little world.
God bless you.

Just for today, thanks for taking that show on the road, maybe God has something way more class than that in store for me.

The Message...

2008-02-10T02:29:00.000-05:00

After much prayer and meditation this is the message that has come to my mind...

"Do you know me?
Do you know how much I love you?
How I have kept watch over you, hoping that you would make the right choices?
Do you know me?
Do you know how much I have wept for you during your hardships and struggles and heartaches?
How I have protected you from harm many times?
Do you know me?
Do you know that I have often watched you sleep and planted beautiful dreams in your mind?
Do you know that I have given you the sun in order that your travels would not be in darkness?
Do you know that every morning I take the time to personally wake you up; everyday without fail?
Do you know me?
That I have always rooted for you and had only the best plans for your life?
Do you know that I have loved you from the beginning of your life?
Do you know that even when you fall I am there to always pick you up?
Did you know that no matter what you do I will always love and forgive you?
Do you know me?
Do you know that I had one son and He gave his life for you?
Do you even know me?
Do you know that I have given you life?
Do you know that I have done all these things for you and only you?
Do you know that when you are hurting, so am I?
Do you know me?
Do you know that I have never asked for anything in return?
Do you know that I want you to know me, to love me, to walk with me, to feel all the love in the world through me?
Do you want to know me?
I am here.
I have always been here.
Right here.
Waiting.
Wanting.
You.
Only you.
I love you.
Do you know me?
Please come get to know me, I’m your father."

just for today... thank you God.

Dammit...

2008-02-09T00:33:00.000-05:00

man i have a few good days and BAM ! here comes the rain again.
i hate this. God knows i hate this. i pray all day long. i share about it. i help others, i keep busy and i still have my hands full trying not to cry.
i know its getting better.
i feel its almost over.
i know its for the best.
i thank God everyday and night.
i just hate the hurt.
i just hate the change.
i just hate losing the girl.
i hate that i fucked it all up.
i hate that it ain't never going to be the same again.
i know that God has something better for me and i better get busy growing so that i can be ready for it.
i know that good will come of this.
i know that God knows best.
i know that i am worthy to be loved & i believe that i will have the courage to love again.
i know that i am growing and will be able to help somebody (already am helping people).
i know that i have assets.
that i am a good man and father and friend.
but just for today the best news is that
i know that i aint got to use.

trouble is knowing all this doesn't take the hurt away.

Processing

2008-02-06T10:43:00.000-05:00

I've come a long but I've got a ways to go...
a ways to go i believe before i will feel "normal" again. Maybe i will never again be "normal" as far as my old definition of "normal" goes. When i share in meetings it's different; not as passion filled or clear as it used to be. (I have decided to just listen for the most part).
a ways to go before i will be able to be intimate with another female; i try but i still don't feel comfortable at all. (i have decided to give myself a break and just take my time).
a ways to go before i will feel comfortable going to any events or certain larger meetings in this or any outlying area; whenever i hear about a special function, dance or fund-raiser i cringe and think about how i might run into the "happy couple" there and i just scratch that off my list, same with certain meetings i just don't go - even with my anniversary coming up i have decided not to celebrate at the large meetings that i have attended for years because i don't want to set myself up for more pain.
i want to fall into a self pity mode (poor me) and i also want to fall into a blaming mode about how certain people are so rude and inconsiderate but fuck that, it does not benefit me to fall into negativity - i'm just going to go to smaller meetings and avoid events for a while.
i had some good news the other day when an addict called me (with several years clean) to talk about her failing relationship woes. I listened and empathized and shared with her. I told her that i understand and she said "i know you do, if nobody else does i know you do" she said "when i heard you share your pain in a meeting two weeks ago, i knew you would be the one i called on to help me when my relationship finally crumbled"
now we shared and it was purely addict to addict, no funny business at all and my point is that people have shared with me that what i have been going through wasn't only for me but was a preparation for me to be able to help somebody else. after yesterday i feel pretty good being able to help somebody, i have been helping people for years but this was different - there was something really awesome that happened to me.
it is an honor to have been chosen by God to be of service to another human being, it is an honor to be asked for help in such a time of crises. it is an honor to have somebody belive in me and see me as an inspiration.
Just for today, i am confused, in a little bit of pain, honored and definitely grateful.
Thank you God.

Lost dreams...

2008-01-31T15:04:00.000-05:00

My friend died.
i have known people who have died in this process, but this time i am hurt.
i don't understand why God does what He does.
this guy was my friend for a years.
our relationship was very superficial until recently when one of my main support people in cinty recommended that i call this guy who had 19 years and experience with what i was struggling with.
he and i talked for over an hour on more than one occassion and somewhere along the way we realized who each other was and that we had always been cool friends.
we made plans to strengthen our relationship and hang out and do things.
we were about the same age and had common interests.
i really liked this guy.
today i got a call from my very good friend in cinty who was in tears (shocking to me, because she has been my rock, holding me up in my times of chaos and confusion) when she told me the news i lost it.
i am not mad at God or anything but i do wonder when all this will end. how much hurt and pain will i have endure?
i know this isn't about me but i am hurting behind it.
God is good.
His plan is perfect, I am willing to stay on the path to the best of my ability.
it has been suggested that i offer to make the family some tee shirts or something to get out of my self and be of service to someone else.

New Outbreak...?

2008-01-31T14:30:00.000-05:00

I feel like i am experiencing a new manifestation of my disease: i need to have somebody in my life to make me feel better. it has become an obsession; an over-powering thought that doesn't cease. i have acted out in attempts to find somebody (i have talked to a few people) and all of a sudden this is turning into a compulsion.
i know that nobody can fix me.
i know that i can't allow myself to give in to the disease.
i don't want another battle on my hands.
i don't want any more pain.
i know that the solution is to practice abstinence period.
the desire to use will pass and i can continue in my efforts to find a new way to live.
God is good and the evidence is clear. He has already delivered me from a major storm and is continuing to work in my life.
i was thinking that maybe i am having bad luck because i haven't been able to find anyone for me - but i now believe that God has a purpose for my life and that He is not allowing me to interfere with the process.
there have been opportunities for me to be with someone and i have actually said no, and then on other occassions when i have been weak the other party said no (and i know that other person liked me) it is a strange and wierd coincidence. maybe.
but then maybe it is just God loving me enough to allow me to get the point of all this and to grow into the person He wants me to be, by keeping the focus on me.
I am learning so much that its incredible and i am often over-whelmed but i know that as i continue to practice this new way of life i will getter better and more comfortable with it.
i wrestle with fear sometimes, but i pray constantly and i keep moving forward.
the hardest part i think is that i am not used to me (i mean the me that i am now - i am not who i used to be, i don't understand what has happened but it is strange. it's like my ability to talk so good has diminished and sometimes my thinking isnt as crisp, but my connection with God is stronger.) i like to think that maybe i have become as a child all over again relearning things anew - i don't really know - i just keep walking and trusting.
i really have no other choice.
God keep us all.
peace.

What is it...?

2008-01-31T10:17:00.000-05:00

What can make a person go through all the chaos i've gone through, feel all the hurt i've felt, know all the painful things i know, cry all the tears i've cried, pray for acceptance as much as i've prayed and still have the willingness to try my hand at creating a family again?
Is it stupidity, stubborness, self-will, rebelliousness?
I prefer to believe that it is love.
plain and simple.
blind, unconditional, lesson learned, understanding, forgiving, still believing love.
ain't that cute.
yeah i thought so too.
just for today, we should all be so lucky to experience it in our lifetimes.

I ain't dead...

2008-01-28T23:51:00.000-05:00

that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. today i stand strong on God's love and mercy. my house is being built on a foundation that won't rock, fade or change in time. i am grateful for my recovery and my life. i just finished a fourth step on this relationship issue that i had been having and i am grateful for the awareness of my part in things and for the opportunity to improve upon my self in preparation for what God has in store for me next. I am also grateful for my assets - i have some very good qualities and i want to hold on to them.
just for today this process is awesome i choose to be a recovering addict by working my program today.
p.s. the temptation to act out is often great but the rewards for living principled are even greater.

Just for today

2008-01-27T11:36:00.000-05:00

Instead of praying to God to deliver what i want, I pray to want what God delivers.
He is loving, wise and knows what's best.

Each of us...

2008-01-26T09:07:00.000-05:00

I have discovered that we are all just children of God, learning in this process, trying to find our way, each of us makes mistakes and none is more or less thsn the other.
Just for today we are all worthy to be loved, understood and forgiven. Even me.

Alrighty then...

2008-01-25T01:03:00.000-05:00

today has been much more mellow. not very much animosity or anger at all.
just acceptance. i am so very ok with things being the way they are. my future is very bright. i have every opportunity to make my life all that i have ever wanted it to be. closer to God and closer to Drew.
Learning to live with and love me.
learning to build me up to be all that i can be and all that God wants me to be.
my mind drifts at times but its more normal stuff now - not insanity.
God is truly good.
Just for today i don't have to waste my time crying that's its over, i can thank GOd for all the goodness that it brought into my life while it was here.

Grateful...

2008-01-23T23:52:00.000-05:00

I spoke with my kids tonight and they were awesome - God i miss those lil munchkins. i think i want to play with them soon.

my buddy is sick and i didn't talk to him today and i am worried. he had some kinda rash that developed into something else and ultimately mersa.
i love this guy and i appreciate talking to him daily. i am grateful for having him in my life. i hope to go visit him tomorrow.

i have another friend who has been diagnosed with HIV. i love him and he is so struggling and i didn't see him at the meeting tonight. i am worried about him.
i am grateful for having him in my life and each day with him is a wonderful gift from God. i will call him tomorrow.

i have another friend wiuth lupus - i don't know much about that but i do know that she is in a lot of pain and has lost a lot of weight. she says its incureable. i love her and i pray that God helps her. i will call her again tomorrow. i am grateful for her and all the support she has given me during my struggle.

all these things have been going on all around me for the past several weeks and i have been so consumed with self that i couldn't really see them. these people have been supporting me and holding me up unselfishly, loving me unconditionally.

i actually feel like an asshole. i have been giving all my attentions to someone who doesn't even seem to respect me.

i am grateful today that things are truly changing. Just for today i have my head out of my ass long enough to take a look a life and find plenty of gratitude for all that God has given me. I will be a friend to my friends, i think they deserve as much.

peace.

Staying In Reality...

2008-01-23T20:38:00.000-05:00

i had fallen into a pattern of selective thinking...
i couldn't see the whole picture.
i wanted out of that relationship for a long time, i felt that we weren't clicking or something. i just know that i wasn't happy there. not that anybody was the villian or anything just that we weren't matching up.
there were times when i actually wished that i was out of the relationship but i was too filled with guilt (or something) to leave.
so this break uo happens (and i didnt initiate it - which probably bothered me) and ever since i have noticed that this person i have been fantasing over is just not even worth the effort.
there have been some very inconsiderate behaviors going on with respect to my feelings - jumping into a relationship with i guy that i was so-called friends with and being very public about it (after i asked that they keep it low key as i was struggling to deal with it) it was kinda like "hey that's your problem"
then there's this deal with the income tax money - i was promised a little share and now that the time comes it's like "sorry dude can't help ya" and even with me asking for a mediator to keep us from talking directly to help me deal with my hurt - i get contacted directly anyway - it's like "sorry dude, i forgot" i even asked to be informed when my W2's arrive in the mail and of course i wasn't and it was like "sorry dude i forgot"
point is that a person that can turn on you so abruptly and quickly is not a person that i want to shed one fucking tear over.
not a person that i want to be with at all, now or in the future.
and certainly not the person that i think God has for me.
in fact i think that by the summer, as i get my employment and housing situated - i would be wise to get my child support and visitation rights situated through the courts, simply because this experience has shown me a whole new side of that woman that i never knew existed and who knows what the future will bring, i think i best do the next right thing and just protect myself.
just for today God is good and He has me, my future looks extremely bright and as long as i stay firmly rooted in reality, i believe that i will be done with the hard part of this ordeal. Time will tell.

Reservations...?

2008-01-23T12:52:00.000-05:00

i practice living in reality each day, telling myself the truth about my life.
i am grateful for all that i have and the path that i am on. i pray for God's will to be done in my life and for me to be ok with it.
but...
i still ask God to remember what the desires of my heart are:

deep down inside (i try not to say it aloud because i feel that its a reservation of sorts) i have a dream of not having my family back but of having a brand new chance for a brand new start with my family.

i almost hate it that i still have this wish.
i feel that it is a slap in God's face for me to say this stuff. i feel that it shows a lack of trust and faith on my part.
but i also feel that it is the truth, i can't see how it is wrong for me to have that wish.
i am not living holding on and i know that it is very very unlikely that my wish will ever be more than a wish, i also know that time heals everything and that the wish has diminished from an obsession, to a burning desire to a simple wish...
i know that one day i will have a different wish and half the time i already do have a different wish - i wish to keep growing and stay on the path (that is not going to change).
i dunno, i just thought i'd say it aloud and maybe it will take away the power.

Doing Fine...

2008-01-23T05:00:00.000-05:00

Yep that's right.
I been doing fine.
For days now.
Sometimes I can get a little emtional when i am discussing things with people - i think maybe that's just me being passionate, but i generally just don't talk much about it.
somebody that i love and respect (my ex-spoansor) promised me that if i held on through my process and experienced my feelings and worked my program without medicating them with void filling behaviors (like sex or a quick fix rebound relationship) then i would receive a gift ("one of the greatest gifts of my life" is what he said)
well i believed him even though he wouldn't give me a clue as to what the gift would be.
so...
wanna know if he was telling the truth?
hell yeah he was !
and it wasn't just one gift (in my interpretation)
what were these gifts ?
here's one:
a relationship with me & God! more comfortable in my skin. no more tossing and turning at night.
i had a semi-date offer today with a very cute girl - just coffee, nothing heavy right. yesterday we were supposed to meet up but schedules didn't work out and i was so cool about things - i wasn't willing to skip my meeting for this date. than today came and i said that we'll have to see, cuz i'm in no hurry. i told my sponsor that you know whay i ain't in no hurry? because i know that "she can't fix me".
what i am saying is that getting with somebody isn't my number one priority - continuing to develop my relatiotionship with God and me is way more important.
i have found relief and it has come from my growing reliance on God.
me and God have been getting real close and He is awesome.
He is real in my life.
He really loves me and comforts me and strengthens me.
He really guides me in the right direction.
It's about time our paths joined.
I am grateful for everything that has happened to me.
I am learning to live my steps, i have become more of the man that i believe God wants me to be.
and i am only just beginning this walk with Him.
this is the bomb.
i am glad that i don't have to continue living in the darkness as i had been living.
i am overwhelmed when it comes to trying to describe what has happened and what is happening -
i have developed many strong spiritual relationships with awesome people, strengthened others to entirely new levels and gained the respect of a whole bunch of my predecessors.
i thought i was the shit before, based on a bunch of social acceptability bs, but today i know that i am truly loved by many because i am living the program, carrying the message, and being active in the fellowship.
today i feel great based on new, deeper, real feelings and all i can say is...
just for today who wouldn't thought that by surrendering you'd actually win?
p.s. you never coulda told me that what i was going through (hurt and insanity) was only because God loved me so much...

Honesty...

2008-01-21T21:47:00.001-05:00

i went to a meeting tonight and shared about what's been going on with me. it wasn't the first time a lot of people had seen me cry, nor was it the first time a lot of people heard how i have been suffering. but it was the first time that a lot of people heard the whole truth. that i had fucked up.
that i had something good and messed it up and now i am hurting and struggling to accept that its gone away.
i shared that although i had not cheated or become physically abusive i was guilty of not loving, cherishing or appreciating what i had.
i also shared about how i thought i was invincible and that nothing could hurt me. how i thought i could fix anything with a simple "baby i'm sorry".
i shared how i thought i had the power and the control over my life and circumstances at times.
i shared that i was dead wrong and that now as a result of my actions i have consequences to deal with, very painful consequences.
i shared that if i ever have another chance at being in a relationship that i will be bringing a better me into the equation.
i shared that i hope that by sharing my pain that maybe somebody might avoid going through this.
i shared that i am grateful for the growth and humility and stronger relationship with God and my friends and support people.
Just for today i hope i helped somebody... cuz God is helping me.

Taking a break...

2008-01-21T15:59:00.000-05:00

just for today i'm tired of talking about all this. i am really tired of feeling it but there ain't much i can do about that. but i am going to give myself a break in terms of writing for a few. i am staying close to my sponsor and others and just trying to live through this... one day at a time, sometimes a moment at a time.
God is working everything out perfectly... even though i may not really see how.
peace.
p.s. thanks to the person who shared with me weeks ago about how guys tend to view relationships and significant others as property, very insightful on your part.

Starting over...

2008-01-20T14:39:00.000-05:00

Geez this shit is horrible ! I hate when i find a few days of relief and then BAM !
i get hurt and i lose my mind. i forget everything and go right back to square one.
i made a promise to my sponsor and myself to not have ANY CONTACT for a week - kids or no kids. a week isn't much but maybe it'll help me - she won't understand, and i don't care - she isnt feeling any of this - she's snuggling up in the arms of someone else - i haven't been afforded that luxury.
i fuckin' can't wait until that viper reveals himself and she feels some real fucking feelings - i'll be here feeling vindicated. it ain't like i wish harm to her, but i just can't fucking wait. i believe that if she would've dealt with her real feelings - then maybe she would've recognized that what we had was worth working on to keep - maybe i'm wrong but that's how i feel. that's what i believe.
ours was a good love with apotential for greatness with work.
but anyway...
if she should happen to read this i hope she knows that when the fucking bottom falls out that i will still be here for her - cuz i haven't quite figured out how to stop loving her and i really don't even want to.
it is coming and the bad thing is my life is on hold while i wait for it...
i continue to do the basics but as far as relationships - i aint going nowhere no time soon.
Just For Today - this love here (sick or not) ain't shaking, but i know that God has the power... so i really dont know what tomorow will bring.

p.s. don't be angry with me for being honest about how i feel - i guess some are just sicker than others...sorry.

Gratitude...

2008-01-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

i can see the benefits now just a little bit. people said that i would get something good out of this and i could not see it. bottom line, when i my ex broke up with me i told her that i would do anything to get her back - but i know now that i couldn't have done very much differently at all. because i was the same person, with the same perspective, spirit, attitude and belief system.
just for today a lot of me has been shaken up and i have been forced to see life in a whole new light - i am not a totally different person and i haven't miraculously become brand new or anything, but i have changed and i am on my way to becoming a new person with a new perspective on my life.
for one thing i know that i can survive on my own, and love myself, lean on the God of my understanding to get through things and most importantly i have learned that i can not and do not have to try to control everything around me.
i am powerless and everything and everybody in my life is a precious gift from God to be always appreciated and cherished, because it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.

yeah i'm still me, but JUST FOR TODAY things won't ever be the same.

thank you God.

Holding...

2008-01-19T16:58:00.000-05:00

Me and God have been gaining ground and i am holding. everything that i let go of doesn't always have claw marks left on it anymore. i have not lost my mind in the blind pursuit of anything to make me feel better either, other than sharing with others in recovery, prayer, fellowshipping, attending meetings and reading my literature. i socialize a little bit here and there but nothing heavy at all.

the best part is that all the changes are happening from the inside out, i don't have to force things - i just want to do better and be better - better meaning: more spiritual, humble and into this program to the best of my ability.

i absolutely have to remind myself of my reality constantly - to stay protected from my ability to dive into the world of fantasy which for me can be nightmare.

Just For Today: thank God for everything,

peace

My disease...

2008-01-17T15:03:00.000-05:00

i suffer from the disease of "want to". i believe that i should be able to do, have and be whatever i want to do have and be. i use many techniques to support this fantasy: denial,manipulation, rationalization, etc...
if things don't go the way i want them to theni experience anything from discomfort to pain.
another name for my affliction is "control" - if things aren't going my way then i try to control them into being.
all my life i have been this way and i hate it.
i am grateful for finally seeing the light. something ugly has been revealed and it hurts me to see it.
i have been trying to convince my "ex" that i will be different and yet my every action is still an attempt to control. i am not living in acceptance or surrender.
my pain has been so great that i think i would be beyond insane to continue on this path. i have no choice but to trust in God and this process with every decision i make and every action that i take.
i have been fearful that it is a sign of shame to give up and not rely on my own talents and mind for guidance and yet today i no longer trust myself, i no longer am willing to take a chance on my way anymore.
additionally pain and discomfort causes me to seek relief and that has been a trap for me - my mind tells me that relief lies in actions that have only led me deeper into the pits of dispair. i have to hold on through the pain in order to find freedom.
another of my pitfalls is the absence of pain - i want to take control again, and the results are the same.
a complete and total surrender is my only hope at this point and i guess it always has been, i am just finally beginning to understand this fact.
there is much work to be done, but thank God that hope is found here...
Just for today - things aren't as bad as they have been, but the battle is far from over, if i am to get better then i can not rest, i must not rest.
pray for me
a life is still at stake.

the path...

2008-01-16T23:09:00.000-05:00

i am currently working the first step again, i have a feeling that my sponsor is going to have me here for a while and that's ok - maybe sponsor knows best.

my assignment is to read it everyday as many times as i like and try to really internalize it. try to really make all my decisions based on good motives, avoid manipulation and self-will. trust the process, even and especially when it is in conflict with my "want-to's". it will not be easy always but it will be good.

i have to start living the program - all over again, on a whole 'nother level this time in order to be who God wants me to be.

there's work a plenty for old braindead to do. and that is the hope-shot for me, because what if i was already doing all i could and still wound up as crazy as a jay-bird - now that would be a damn shame.

so JUST FOR TODAY out of gratitude for all that God has brought me through (not saying that i am completely through this ordeal but i am done with the excruciating out-of-control aspect of it) and out of absolute fear of having to relive it exactly the same way again down the road - i think i will make every conscoius effort to be in God's will - for fucking real and on every front this time.

yeah i will make mistakes, but that isnt the same as being defiant.

p.s. somebody once said that "some people don't realize that GOD is all they need, until GOD is all they have" - imagine that: there must a been other Braindead Geniuses before me.

only human...

2008-01-16T07:17:00.000-05:00

this morning i opened my big-mouth and created a mess of things. i felt that i might do it and i resolved not to, but in the heat of the situation i went ahead and did it anyway.

the situation occured when my "ex" came by to drop off my son this morning.
i saw her and started the whole 'reconciliation' conversation again. and she ofcourse was consistent as usual, which i guess bruised my ego and i reacted which has also become pretty 'usual'.

at any rate i became critical and judgemental of her choices and although i didn't call her any bad names, i definitely upset her.

i accept full responsibility for my actions, BUT i will say that i have asked for mediation for which i have not received co-operation - her mom is willing to bring my son and relay any necessary communication - but my "ex" just isn't respecting my boundary. i do very well until i see her and i am hopeful that we can minimize our contact for a while so that i can continue in my process.

i do know that just for today i am extremely grateful for a restoration to sanity: one that is affording me a real opportunity to experience life and feelings and the subsequent growth that i couldnt have if i had taken the easy way out. i am grateful for the sanity that keeps me free from the denial and rationalization of the harm that i caused to others around me. i did mine and i own it.
grateful that just for today my step-work isn't a superficial experience of words on paper and i am absolutely grateful for my freedom and serenity.
yeah just for today life may not be always working out the way i want it too, but i actually believe that it is working out just fine. maybe God really does know what he is doing.

p.s. believe me when i say that i do pray for us all, and wish happiness and safety upon my "ex" in all her affairs.

The Storm Is Over ?

2008-01-15T15:36:00.000-05:00

Nah, i won't even lie to myself like that, real feelings don't just go away like that.
sometimes it is difficult to keep my focus, other times it is easier.
i keep reminding myself that God is working everything out perfectly, i remind myself that i can't see it but i trust Him. i remind myself that this too shall pass and is passing. i remind myself over and over again that i dont have to look back anymore - that my blessings lie ahead. i remind myself that God is good and that His plan is perfect. That He loves me and has my best interests at heart. That everything i want is not always what is best for everybody.

i remind myself again and again and yet...

sometimes i just have to cry.
sometimes i just have to grieve.
this has been a great loss to me and like others before me i can get through it.
but i have to give thanks to my Higher Power who has given me the strength to experience (and survive) my emotions without having to act out in anyway.
i dont HAVE to dial that number, or drive by that house or send that text message.
i may want to sometimes but i dont HAVE to anymore.

i remind myself that it is ok to feel my pain and that i am ok and worthy to be loved and that i am loved.

i remind myself all the time, and i have to do this because the disease that i suffer from does not take vacations.

we truly keep what we have only with vigilance.

GOD's perfect plan...

2008-01-15T04:58:00.000-05:00

"God is working things out perfectly"
i have often been resistant to living in God's will due to my own short-sightedness (all i can see is whats happening right now), due to my own self-centeredness (i want what i want when i want it), and due to my disease that drives me to pursue something to make me feel whole, and most profoundly due to my denial which not only tells me that none of this is the truth, but also that i don't even have a problem in the first place.
Suddenly i have slowed down enough to see the evidence of God working in my life,
removing the obsession to use not only drugs but other things that make me feel better... restoring my sanity when i thought all hope was gone.

now i listen for the answers to the prayer requests and allow myself time to think.

some of the sugesstions seem "difficult" but my new perspective tells me that - difficulty is relative (after the past 30 days of experience very little is difficult to me) especially if taking the suggestions will ensure my spiritual growth.

i have discovered that if i pray and do the next right thing then the driving impulse will actually subside and i can then be restored to sanity.

this is empowering - i am powerless but the spiritual principles can be a power greater than me.

wow its amazing how you can know some things and then life on life's terms show up and you suddenly find out that everything you know is subject to revision, how it aint what you know but how you're living, and how understandings that worked so well for you in the past are no longer sufficient for the next leg of your journey on the road to recovery.

jsut for today - thank you God for everything in my life, thank you for not making me a complete moron, thank you for placing angels and messengers all around me to help me understand what you want from me, thank you for allowing life to beat me into submission and freedom but not to death. thank for the the light that now shines, today i have a glimpse of what lies ahead and i want it - enough to sit here alone in my room about to go lay down by myself even though i want to be comforted by another human being, i trust enough to wait and work on being ok with me, becoming a whole healthy person and therefore better preparing myself for whatever it is you have for me down the road.

this shit is the bomb, it ain't even me and it aint easy but it is right. when i try to tell myself that taking suggestions ar difficult - i simply remind myself of the events of the past 30 days andi get restored. no suggestion could possibly be as difficult as that and if i want to get better and have any chance at never re-living those experiences then i better do something different. y'all told me that my joy comes in the morning and baby the sun is surely rising.

yes i have the evidence that God really is working things out perfectly.

P.S. Oh Yeah - Thank you God for my son being with me this week - he is dropped off to me at 6:30am and i'm finding my comfort lying in bed sleeping with him.

Hell yeah !

2008-01-14T10:10:00.000-05:00

Went to bed feeling great and woke up the same way. Thanking God and praising Him for everything.
My son got dropped off to me this morning and i spoke with his mom briefly and even tho i did digress and tell her how good she looked and that we could still make beautiful music together - i didn't get mad or hurt when she said no.

it was just like me trying to holler at any other cute girl (ya win some, ya lose some)

at any rate i dont have butterflies or anything, but i do know that it important that i protect my freedom - so i suggested that we make arrangements so that i can pick him up and drop him off in such a way that i dont even have to see her or talk to her at all (involving a mediator or something).

i think it is best for right now.

i have admitted my powerlessness and surrendered on a couple of issues, and now i don't have to fight anymore (one being this question of custody and the other being an issue regarding financial support) all i can do is make other people angry and uncomfortable and bring consequences onto myself.

so just for today i am going to continue to take care of myself and my responsibilities and stay grateful for all my blessings and my freedom.

Thank you God for getting me through this without the use of drugs, sex, relationships or anything else that might have compromised my process. Thankfully i have been open to take a look at me, get with me and God and grow.

i know that just for today i dont have to be driven to live a life in search of something outside of me and God to make me feel better.

if i have learned anything it is that God is sufficient.
and so am i.

peace.

Brand New...

2008-01-14T01:02:00.000-05:00

great day - God is good.
no doubt.
i have discovered that i am but a small insignificant spec in the grand scheme of things in this life.
i have learned that the scope of my power and control extends about .02mm from my person. if that far.
i believe that the only thing i actually have control over is my actions and even then the outcomes are out of my hands.
awesome to finally be on the right page in life.
makes things a lot easier for me - now i dont hafta keep exhausting myself with worry over how i am going to 'make everything and everybody act right' lol.
yeah that was an "LOL" i laugh today.
i smile and i feel good and it's a freedom that is based on surrender, not a hatred or disdain for another individual.
today i choose to face reality and leave the fantasy world of "myabe if i just do this", or "how can i change that" behind.
i realize that God has ALL the power and that is ok today.
i also relize that everything that I have in life is a gift from God, that means my friends, family, material possessions, my recovery, my health and my life. I have been blessed in great abundance and on a daily basis i have to thank God for these gifts, and also remind myself that it is all just for today. tomorrow isnt promised i could lose the house the car the job the family and everything else at any given moment so it is important that i appreciate and cherish everything in my life everyday. and when things are removed i remind myself that God is still good even though i dont know what His plan is, i know ti is a good one. and i proceed to thank Him for the time that i did have whatever was removed.
This is a simple program full of basic truths, i believe that we all have a choice: we can get with it from the very start or we can walk our asses through the fire and then get motivated.
i guess you know which path i had chosen for myself.
but no more.
this time my first step means something to me, a whole lot more than as pertains to drugs; its about any area of my life where i might find myself trying to exert some control, any area that has become unmanageable.
today i am extremely thankful to God for my life - a life that a few days ago seemed so awfully dark and hopeless, a life that is now rich with possibilities and opportunities.
my relationships have been strengthened, my understandings have deepened, thelevel of respect from others and for myself has ironically grown - who woulda thought that all along God had something good waiting for me on the other side...
everybody that loves me knew
the disease just wouldnt let me trust and believe.
just for today.
thank you God for every little thing in my life.
peace.

taking care of me...

2008-01-13T00:22:00.001-05:00

i ate a little bit today, read a little bit, hung out with addicts, went to a meeting, shared, felt cried, laughed, hugged folks, told folks i loved them and meant it, called folks, folks called me and i prayed. and i didnt act out too much.

i am now going to take my tired ass to sleep.

just for today - thank God its over. i dont even want to think about tomorrow.

waiting...

2008-01-12T16:59:00.000-05:00

GOd please take care of her, God please take care of him, God please take care of me. God please.
this is my prayer, i dont know why i am saying this - it is what comes out when i open my mouth.
my reality is so cold and dark and brutally painful that i am want to just numb out in any way that i can.
i am a raggedy ass guy, not able to handle this situATION WITH ANY SEMBLENCE OF SELF-RESPECT, dignity, restraint, patience, faith or trust. i am just waiting and fighting every step of the way.
why me God?
why do i feel like i am worhtless, unworthy of love, a piece of discarded trash.
why GOd do i feel like you hate me for letting this happen to me.
why do i feel like you brought me to this place only to leave me here in misery?
God please help me.
I can not help myself.
God please help me.
I am waiting...

the process...

2008-01-12T13:57:00.001-05:00

i was hurting and i went to the meeting this morning. in desperation i shared what i was feeling, i cried, i shook, i expressed my fear of what God's will my be and how i am afraid to just trust Him right now. I expressed my fear of what is going to happen when i come face to face with this guy or with them together as a couple. then he walked in the meeting. he was smiling. i lost it. i doubled over in pain and cried harder than i person should cry in public.
people congratulated me for my courage and perseverance.
i cried.
people shared with me that they wished they had stood strong in the storm like i am doing instead of going to get high.
i cried.
people shared that they had to run away to another place to deal with the feelings and they had to deal with it when they came back.
still i cried.
peopel shared that they medicated in a variety of ways and still the problem was there when they got done.
still i cried.
he got up and went in to the back room and i got up and followed him. people said don't go.
i went.
i walked up to him and told him that i needed to talk.
we walked into a private room and closed the door.
i asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he is ok with what is happening to me and to my family.
that he is ok with knowing that she is just the flaovr of the minute to him and that she means the world to me.
he denied any wrong doing and he was right. he hasnt done anything wrong.
i hugged him and went back into the meeting.
i listened and i learned.
just for today, i thank God for the strength and courage to walk through the storm clean. i thank God for showing me and i am beginning to trust that: He is all i need.
I know now that if i keep my eyes on Him then all else can come and go and i can be ok with that. even if i am not ok with it - i can survive it - clean. just for today - things get bad and things get good, but as long as i dont get high this too shall pass. God please have mercy on your hard-headed son, let me learn what i need to learn, let me become what you want me to become, let me find serenity through it all and let me place my life in your hands and be ok with the outcome.
peace.

God Keep Me...

2008-01-12T09:46:00.000-05:00

something happened.
i don't know why this is affecting me, but i pray that i can keep my sanity through this.
there's a girl in dayton; a nice girl, who has been supportive of me in my process.
she called me last night (i think she kinda likes me) but anyway she called me last night and during our conversation she told me that 'Mister Man' had tried to holler at her again last night at a meeting. i am tempted to have her make a 3-way call with my ex on the line so she can hear for herself.
Now i know that it ain't my business, i keep telling myslef that, but i can't help thinking how shitty that is.
i was tempted to tell her to set his dirty ass up so he could get busted by my ex.
my motives?
thinking that maybe if she knew then...
God please let me stay free - i don't want to hurt anymore.
i don't want her to hurt either. i am truly not interested in anybody else. in a fit of lunacy i said some dumb stuff to a couple females but it was not serious and nothing ever happened.
i have actually heard from a few women that he tried to talk to them recently and yet he says that he is sincere about his feelings for my ex.
i asked him to be merciful - that if all he is going to do is hit her and quit her - then to please just do it and let her go - don't hurt her. he promised that he wasnt going to hurt her.
i know its in God's hands.
i am going to pray, for them and for me, because i fear that my sanity lies in the balance yet again.
even if they break up - there is no assurance that she will want to reconcile with me.
and even though i tell myself that our relationship was a kind of "sham" - i cant help but be honest with myself:
it was not a sham to me.
it was a beautiful thing to me.
and through it all - i guess i am just the type of dumb-ass that would gladly go back to it.
Just for today... please God watch over your children - we need you! please grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change.

the morning after...

2008-01-12T02:22:00.000-05:00

today i made a decision to go to my local meeting again. i thought i never would return there, after all thats where she goes. well i had a service commitment and i skipped it last week but not today. oddly enough she wasnt there tonight, but the point is i was there - in all my glory. the drew of old showed up and was happy joyous and free. charasmatic as ever. i chaired the meeting and shared on a topic and when i opened my mouth - the message came out and it had heat on it. my sponsee was sitting next to me and this newcomer was being flirty, but i was ignoring her.
he said after i finished talking she said "damn".
god is good. it is a joy to be of service and to be used as a vessel to carry the message of hope to someone.
it was a pleasure to be back home, some people acted wierd towards me but its ok, i know why i'm there and it aint for the popularity contest.
anyway this day has been cool, really cool.
my ex and i had a few few phone convos' and saw each other and talked civiliy and i didnt walk away with any ill will or uncomfortable feelings.
thank you god for the freedom.
she asked me to keep the kids all night saturday. at first i was thinking hell no - i aint watching them so you can pull an all nighter with your new boyfriends - then i remembered that she had a wedding to go to. so i said ok. turns out the weeding is on saturday and that the baby-sitting is for an all nighter (i guess) anyway freedom and commitment, surrender, acceptance and unconditional love told me to keep my word to the kids and mind my business - so the youngins will be withme tomorrow and i am excited.
just for today i hope that i never allow anything to come between me and God, me and my recovery, me and my friends or me and my kids...

Clarity, Freedom, Sadness

2008-01-11T11:10:00.000-05:00

i have been through a lot during the past month or so. a lot of pain and a lot of increased awareness of the help and love that is and has always been availble to me in times of trouble. i heightened sense of God's power and my own powerlessness. a renewed sense of compassion for others who may be struggling in any area of life. a better sense of respect for the old-timers who "hell or high water" have not used.
a greater appreciation for 'the program', its principles and life saving power.

personally i am grateful for what i believe is a greater clarity with regard to me: who i am and what i am about. i am a powerless, co-dependent little guy who has value and worth as an individual. A guy who is loving and worthy to be loved - all by myself, or in a relationship. A guy with a mighty God and a wealth of friends who love and respect him.

i found freedom yesterday finally when i realized that what i had been crying over and praying about wasnt at all what i thought it was. i thought i was in love and in A HEALTHY LOVE AFFAIR. then i discovered that i was just an interchangeable part in an on-going love affair that didn't begin with me, nor has it ended in my absence.

that made me sad - i held that relationship as something that defined me and contributed to my sense of worth and value - and then to see it for what it really was makes me feel like i kinda wasted my time all along. but no. i am still very grateful because of the child born out of that union - he is beautiful and i love him very much.

i am also saddened because i was confused by the simple fact that that experience 'felt good'. i suspect that others are trapped in a cycle, oblivious and in denial, simply because something makes them 'feel good'. i pray for you.

additionally my heart is heavy for the other party involved as i suspect that the driving force in his life may be the same need for something that 'feels good' and all other factors (like friendship, honor, consideration, family, respect, etc.) are secondary considerations if they are considered at all.

i can relate to behavior like that - in active addiction that was my life. on any given day or situation in recovery that can and has been my story.

freedom: today it is not a strain or a struggle. no forced smiles or efforts to quell the butterflies that have occupied my stomach for the past month. i believe that now is the right season and the lesson is being finally learned. this process has been agonizing and yet the growth makes it all worth.

Just for today this program and God has become very real for me and my understandings are changing and improving and growing.

Just for today: i realize that the love affair that i cried over, that meant the world to me, wasnt all that i thought it was: it was really a very beautiful love affair that didn't start with me and hasn't ended in my absence - i was only an interchageable part - the man of the hour. thank God for the freedom and the opportunity for something heathy and better.

Shattered

2008-01-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

the truth has come to the light...

after a few days of semi-relief i finally broke. i was carrying a reservation: i thought that if i just 'played my cards right' then eventually SHE would come back to me. everything i did was designed to get HER back, praying right (so God would deliver Her unto me), sharing right in a meeting (so the word would get back to Her that i was doing ok without Her), i even went as far as to almost actually start getting better (because folks said that i had to do that in order to have a shot at getting HER back).

damn it sucks to give someone all that power - it is demoralizing, humiliating and exhausting.

like i said i finally broke. i call several people to talk me out of calling Her, we prayed, talked and it was no good, i had to call Her: the end result was disgusting - at the mere mention of the scumbag's name that she's dealing with - she flipped out on me (she actually has feelings for this fuck) needless to say that it was a very short conversation.
so now i'm pissed off and i felt the need to call Him. we talked for about a half-hour and after the conversation i think that i finally surrendered to two disturbing realizations: 1. that bastard has no conscience whatsoever to call himself my friend and pounce on my ex-fiancee less than two weeks after we split and 2. he aint letting her go until he is good and gad-damn ready to - i can simply go to hell basically.

so i thanked him for his honesty (hah !) and told him that i hope god blesses him and his recovery and if he ever finds himself struggling that i would always be available to him (i'm just made like that).

now what?
freedom !
why?
reality hit me so hard that i didnt have a fantsy large enough to overcome it.
what reality am i talking about?
this one: THEY have been together for almost a month, but when i met her she was COMPLETELY NO HOLDS BARRED INTIMATE WITH ME AFTER ONLY TWO DAYS. maybe that contributed to my feeling so "special". but now all of a sudden i have become old news and this highly promiscuous asshole is her current love interest? i choose to believe that she is doing any and everything with him now -thats her M.O.
now that ladies and gentlemen is fucking DISGUSTING.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww !
I dont think i could ever be intimate with her ever again.
pardon my language but thats how i feel.
diry because his high risk for disease ass is her lover and dumb because she either doesn't know or chooses not to be in reality of the facts that most people in three cities (at least) are aware of.
so whooo god dammit ! i cant fuck with her - she has finally in my mind violated the sanctity of our relationship.
yeah this may be fantasy - but it is a necessary assumption. and based on it i have found freedom.
no longer am i connected to these people i the horribly painful way that i had been.
just for today: take my sloppy seconds you dirty bastard one day you will realize "that it aint no fun when the rabbit got the gun" your turn soon cometh. and god bless you you poor pitiful dumb whore. you made a terrible decision in the name of running from the pain. you will rue the day - cuz now there aint never no looking back. i am on to bigger and better things in my life. its been a long journey but i have finally found me - i was here all along. i am drew, before, during and after that girl. i so made her what she respectable, decent, honorable - less than two weeks away from me and she's already the friggin laughing stock and she doesn't even know it yet.
poetic justice.
as a simple human i say: fuck 'em both. but at the same time as a recovering addict on a spiritual journey i say to them: god bless and help you.
peace

Days Of Our Lives

2008-01-10T18:06:00.000-05:00

My life is like a soap opera at times, looks real, sounds real but all fantasy.
i can jump into a fantasy in a nano-second and not even know it. thank God for my friends and support people.
they remind me to stay in the moment, not a few moments ago or even a few moments from now.
life is what it is, not what i want it to be.
these simple truths can sometimes be as difficult to grasp as learning chinese.
but just for today i have the unconditionsl love and support of people who dont mind constantly reminding me.
today i talk about my thoughts and feelings and not act on them, which is a miracle itself.
God is good and His power is sufficient - as long as i am willing to let it be.
peace & God be with you.

new poem link

2008-01-10T05:19:00.001-05:00

http://braindeadgenius.blogspot.com/

click there on paste into broswer address bar.

leave a comment

Another Day, Another...

2008-01-10T00:19:00.000-05:00

MIRACLE !
plain and simple.
i feel awesome. i have had a great day.
i took care of me today.
i picked my son up from the baby-sitter, did laundry, a little housework, etc...

i'm not saying that i wasnt tested today, i'm not saying that i didn't get butterlies a few times either - because i did.

but something different is happening to me.

last night i went to bed alone in my own bed - by choice and was ok with it.
i had a few offers but i chose to chill by myself, i wasn't on any type of sadness or self pity mode either. just finally becoming ok with myself (and God!)

on that note i will say that God is good, because in a moment of desperation (for a feeling) i actually asked a coupla of "hoochie-mamas" to kick it with me a few weeks ago and God intervened. Whew ! because looking back i would've regretted it. and i know they both like me so that could only have been God protecting me - i believe.

today i ran across her driving through town and i also talked to her on the phone about my son and there was no acting out. i did not want to act out and i did not act out. i did get a little butterfly syndrome - funny thing is throughout this process many addicts have stood in readiness to answer their phones but this time nobody was available - God telling me that He is really all I need in a crunch?
maybe, maybe not - but Just for today He was sufficient !

today i prayed and i found relief.

i can't express in words how good it feels to be me again - the storm may not be fully over but i know that i have what it takes to endure.

something good has happened to me, i now know this in my heart.

i spoke to a sponsee today who had surgery on his shoulder, his shoulder had a tendency to 'pop-out' of socket whenever he engaged in strenuous sports activities. otherwise for all intents and purposes it was normal. after talking to him i realized how his path and mine have a lot in common. we were both functionally dysfunctional. and had to under pain and then an uncomfortable period of adjustment so that in the end we could both emerge stroner and healthier than we were before.

in the storm i could not see that. but as the clouds are beginning to part a little bit and the sunlight is just about to shine through - i am beginning to understand.

this is not the end of my life - it is in fact only the beginning.

a lot of things have become very clear to me, my perspective has changed and i am more than ready to work hard to ensure that i continue to grow and keep receiving God's blessings for me.

Just for today - life aint always what you think it is, and nothing is promised. but if you hold on, reach for God and do the foot work, the sky's the limit !

Thank you God.
and thank you.
peace.

My Feelings

2008-01-08T22:45:00.000-05:00

Today i felt a variety of feelings from anger to sadness to joy. And they probably came in that order too.
I shared my honest feelings in a meeting today and got support.
I spoke with my counsellor this afternoon and got encouraged and enlightened.
I spent a few hours with my baby boy today and got uplifted.
I spoke with my church pastor tonight and got spiritually renewed.
I am refreshed right now - with a renewed energy.
I know that i have what it takes to make it.
I now believe in myself.
I know that God really is good to me - even now.

Just for today - life is good and I am the prize !

Maintaining

2008-01-08T09:10:00.000-05:00

Ok a day without crap - yeah i cried like a bitch for a moment but i held on and didn't act out and the moment (almost 10 minutes it seems) passed. i was hanging with a friend out of town and we had fun the whole day and i had no more episodes.

a couple butterfly in the stomach sessions but that was it. i prayed my way through.

i have been on this path kicking and scratching for a month and now i realize that its going to be whats its going to be - i have a choice to act dignified or act a fool.

fuck that it aint worht it anymore. not after all this.

so just for today i'm keeping y damn head up and with God on my side i know i can get through this.

when i feel embarrassed i am comforted by the knowledge that my sponsor , ex-sponsor and ex-grand sponsor all behaved in a similar fashion. i am not unique nor am i a freak. just a guy hurting who will get through. for anyone that doesn't know - if youhavent had a turn - its coming, hold on.

powerful

2008-01-07T07:13:00.000-05:00

this disease of addiction is such a powerful destructive enemy of life.
a few months back i was a semi-normal recovering addict with family, job, friends and happiness; sharing my experience, strength and hope with others

in a short period of time i have been reduced to a man who cried in nearly every meeting i attend, sleeps terribly, barely eats, is mentally and emotionally distraught, who has exhibited the behavior of a stalking, annoying, begging lunatic.

i have no joy left, no hope or help for anyone else - nor myself.
i pray ceaselessly. i struggle just to keep from hurting and crying.

this is not a sign of a mental condition, nor is it about any person other than me.
this is about warfare - waged on me by my disease of addiction.
this is all about an overly-sensitive ego, powerlessness, acceptance, control, trust and faith, fear, sitting still, making a decision and taking action, being patient, having courage, changing my perspective, surviving my emotions and simply enduring life on life's terms.

i thought i was doing such a fine job - now i dont feel so fine anymore. i have been taking a beating but i havent used.

so JUST FOR TODAY, i think i am doing better than i feel.

oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god

2008-01-07T06:42:00.000-05:00

i walked to her house (because my room-mates park behind me now to keep me home at night) she was getting up for work and we talked (of course nothing i said made a damn bit of difference) i was in so much pain that i couldnt sleep or sit still.

on the way home i called my friend in recovery who reminded me of what i already know and gave me new information (this has happened to him also).
he told me that i have to take action along with my prayer - that i can't pray for muscles and then not work-out. i have to pray for strength and then be strong.

i am not the first to travel this path and my pain is not unique, others have felt this and endured. i will too.

i just finished praying all i could say as i cried was: "oh god, oh god, oh god..." for several minutes until i finally calmed down. when i was done i just sat. in silence i sat. for a while, just listening. i don't know what god is trying to tell me - but i am waiting for the answer.

just for today

oh my god...

2008-01-07T05:30:00.000-05:00

i just woke up out of my sleep nearly screaming. i dont want to go to meetings here cuz i dont want to see her, nor the meetings in the next major town cuz i dont wanna see him. i want to run to her house and ask her to please stop this nightmare.
but i have already done that and she looks at me like she never loved me at all.

not at all.

i am crying now and i want to get in my car but i know that i have to sit here and do nothing in order to heal.

God help me - this is so hard. so hard God.

i am not feeling so well right now, not at all.

Moving right along... i guess

2008-01-06T22:44:00.000-05:00

I keep putting my hands in the pot and stirring up more trouble for myself.
I have been acting out in ways that lower my self-esteem and cause me to hurt more.
I am truly trying not to.
I have been crying oceans it seems
but i believe there is more pain coming.
I surrender. No more adding to a bad situation. the only way to get through this mess is to go through it with some sense of dignity or at least self-control.
i have been struggling with trying to get an intellectual understanding of what i am going through - hell i have been struggling with every aspect of this ordeal from its onset.
but still i stand.
and i stand clean dammit.
i haven't completely lost my mind.
and i am setting a boundary - no calls today - not a one.
no more desire to go back to the source of my pain.
yeah i still want her but the truth is that we are broken up and whatever she does is none of my business.
i have a life to live and i am goign to get busy living it.
i went to a convention and she was there (ouch) looking damn good too and politely blowing me off (expected) her new boyfriend revealed himself (a friend of mine (OUCH!) i called him today and told him that i aint mad and God bless him. (stoopid, i know)
but i really think that i have exhausted myself now.
i have closure i guess, i know that i dont want anymore pain - thats for sure...
and they say that the only way to get to the other side of this pain is to keep my hands out of it. accept it - i am powerless
powerlessness certainly sucks today.
but oh well
i am growing through this and i will manage to survive - God has me now because my legs gave a long time ago.
Oh yeah i have a new friend and i fucking am comforted by her presence but i dont really like her very much - tonights the first night she hasnt been here in four day and we just sleep together, we did have sex once) but now i am feeling wierd. i really want her to come back (oh my God thats sounds nutty)
i also went on a date today with another girl who was cute but... and she wanted to engage in some instant gratification (yay!) but i wasn't trying to get with her either (strange hunh?) i chose to go the meeting instead of maybe having sex with her.
then there was the girl in the meeting (but i resisted)
Just for today... this shit can get as complicated as i want it to be. But all in all, for some strange reason i think i'm doing a fine job.

ENOUGH !

2008-01-04T22:06:00.000-05:00

When i am hurting, i must pray.
When i am praying, i must be honest.
When i am able to, i must do step work.
If my mind stars to wander, i must focus on what i am doing right in front of me.
If a question in my step-work causes me to start drifting off down the bunny hole, skip that question and go on to the next one.

if i come under attack 20 times in a day,
i must defend myself as many times in a day

my goal is to get closer to my Higher Power.
Therein lies the true source of my strength and courage.
Therein lies the source of my serenity.

With Him, i can do all things.

On the other side of this experience lies the greatest gift of my life - if i take this postive action.

there is nothing to figure out, there is simply action to take.

when i am hurting i must remember that every act of manipulation, begging and all other manifestations of self-will have merely served to yield and increased level of pain.
i have been adding to my own burden all along.

Just for today...
bring it on disease, i aint afraid of you anymore, i aint afraid of hurt anymore, i ain't running anymore,
i'm too fucking tired and i refuse to keep on co-operating with you.

today we go to battle and the stakes are my life.

FOR THE RECORD JACKIE...

2008-01-04T19:02:00.000-05:00

I WANT TO SAY THAT I AM SORRY. BECAUSE I REALIZE THAT I MUST'VE MADE YOU FEEL PRETTY INADEQUATE, UNLOVED AND UNAPPRECIATED. I HAD TO HAVE MADE YOU FEEL THAT WAY BECAUSE I HONESTLY FELT THAT. I BARELY LOVED YOU, DIDN'T APPRECIATE YOU AND FELT AT TIMES THAT YOU WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. IT HAD TO BE A DEVASTATING BLOW TO YOU BECAUSE IT WASN'T THAT WAY IN THE BEGINNING. I WAS ALL THOSE THINGS AT FIRST AND THEN I CHANGED AND YOU CONTINUED TO TRY AND YOU HELD ON. I CRY NOW NOT FOR ME BUT FOR YOU. AND I ALSO RAISE MY HAND IN THANKS AND PRAISE TO GOD FOR ALLOWING YOU TO FIND WITHIN YOURSELF THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO SAY "NO MORE" AND TO SEEK OUT WHAT YOUTRULY DESERVE: HAPPINESS.
JUST FOR TODAY... DREW IS COMING BACK, READY TO SHINE, EVEN BETTER THAN I WAS BEFORE AND SHOULD YOU EVER LOOK AROUND TO SEE HOW I'M DOING, I WON'T BE HARD TO FIND. JUST FOLLOW THE LIGHT...

What is love anyway...

2008-01-04T18:51:00.000-05:00

Love is when i'm holding my baby son and he's being clingy (i like that) and then he suddenly wants to get down off daddy's lap and go play. he basically wants nothing to do with daddy so i move out of his way and accept his decision to live and enjoy life. he has that right, as we all do, even my ex. sometimes you have to love a peron enough to accept them as they are and the decisions that they make.

Just for today i celebrate my ex's new found happiness. i thank God for her well-being. I pray that He watches over and protects her. i thnk God for this experience in which it took a God sized boot in my ass to evict the child in me so that the man could begin to grow.

peace

What i really want...

2008-01-04T14:01:00.000-05:00

is her back. not in the shitty way that things used to be. but in the way things were when we first met. somewhere i got lost . the confident, strong, happy, loving, charismatic guy that she first met he died and someone else was left taking my place.

i want her back, and the best way to get her back is to get busy finding the old drew.
not only that but get busy finding a way to keep him here once i locate him.

easier said than done? not really the hurt feelings tend to distract me, but not as much as they used to.

i want her back so when i feel like calling i'm going to tell myself that the way to get her back is to leave her alone.
leave her alone, make big money, be who i was, be responsible, be a good friend, be a good father, be a good man.

i want her back and the way to get her is to build up my relationship with God. Strengthen my recovery, be more giving and loving to others.

i want her back and to get her i have to become the old drew again and then some.

big goal? maybe. but well worth the effort. why because i want her back.

and in the process maybe i will "come to" and decide that she's not really what i want after all.or maybe i wll realize that there isnt the slightest chance of me getting her back at all. but the good news in all that is that along the way i will learn to be ok with me, God and life.

yeah i want her back and...
Just for today... I think I'm going to get her. it going to take a lot of work and a lot of time but i'm willing to do all that and more because...

i want her back.

Talking with God...

2008-01-04T13:29:00.000-05:00

life's waves have been rocking my boat as this storms been raging. but like all storms eventually pass this one is losing intensity. (thank you God) it is still a big boy but its not paralyzing and as crippling. i have been working on acceptance (of this being in God's hands); powerlessness (thats been more of a lesson in reality); trust and faith (i really have no choice in that matter either since i am truly powerless); surrender(i'm just too tired to keep on fighting) as well as other principles such as honesty, etc.

but today i have been specifically focusing on perspective: i really didnt want to stay committed (for whatever reasons) and just because things didnt end the way i wanted them to - that shouldnt throw my world into a tizzy (but it did, oh well)

so today i look at things like "thank God, i'm not using drugs" or dead or dealing a lot more perious struggles such as with my health or loss of life within my circle of friends and family. Because some people are going through those things today.
in the grand scheme of things this isnt really all that - its big to me, but maybe thats because i choose to allow it to be big.

now i am fighting back: i am choosing to think about positive things and find my gratitude (working on my perspective).

today i am practicing a great deal more humility than i ever have before.

i told God that i really want her back and i asked Him if He could help me...

since i have been praying and meditating so much more intensely i believe that my conscious contact is strong (when i am willing to exercise my free will and listen) well today i listened and He told me that "everybody has free will and i can't make anybody love anybody else"
so i said "but you can raise people's awareness right? why dont you do that for me then?"
He said "I can do that, but a person still has to be willing to recognize the signs and they still always have free will"
then He said "if you want her back then your best bet is to trust Me, take care of you, wotk on improving you, show respect for her decision, no crying, no calling, just keep on walking acting as if you believe that I got this unde control. this isnt a guarantee, but what will happen is that you will be ok. you will either be ok with getting back with her or you will be ok with doing something different, but you will be ok"
i said "can you help me to get closer to you? feel your prescence and a real thing so that i can find comfort in knowing that you have everything under control?"
"He said pay attention to the evidence of my works. Trust me this will turn out ok, I have already given you what you need. You will be better as a reesult of this and with or without her you will be happy"
i said "i believe you, i just wish i could have more proof. i want to know that i know that you are real and really right here and you really have this all under control." "i guess i just need more proof"
then my telephone rang and it was my daughter calling: "proof enough ?"

maybe, i am grateful, but i really still need more go.

Just for today i have no choice but to put my trust in God.

Closure with a capital "K"

2008-01-04T01:31:00.000-05:00

Oh shit guess who's done it again...

me thats who.
i listened to my disease brain tell me to turn and drive down past her house.
her car wasn't in the driveway.
wait, its after midnight and she gets up at six.
so i'm thinking that she is getting high - there have been a series of coincidences that led me to this conclusion but i suspected that after today she would expose herself - since she had been broke but now i gave her some money.
so she aint home and on the way back from the store she still wasnt home - so hell yeah she's using.

thats the fantasy - the reality is that my disease had going full blast.
it told me to stake out her house, but first drive by a couple of her friends houses then stalk... i mean stake out her house.
why? because i had to see for myself...

so i waited about a half hour then right when my friend talked me into leaving here she comes driving real slow and kinda crooked...
so i jumped out of the car and got right in her face...
and...
she didnt look at all high ?!?!?!?!
and she was pissed off.
i tried to actually convince her that she was high and i could tell "look at your pupils" "check out your behavior"
but she wasnt biting
she didn't even look slightly buzzed
fuck
i almost kinda in a sick way wish that she was (not really me but my disease does)
because then it would explain everything.
but oh well things could always get worse right?
yeah they can
i had to ask the question
you know the question,
so you been out all this time chasing some dick ?
and she said yes.
i just turned and walked away.
Just for today - maybe i shouldnt have chosen the name that i did. i might've cursed myself, but gthe good news is, that i aint mad, upset or hurt - not at all - just really relieved.

because she is my reservation...
peace.

As night falls...

2008-01-03T22:24:00.000-05:00

everything is still cool...

really - i'm not lying.

i've been praying when the butterflies come and its working.

i've been talking to friends and staying positive.

and i met somebody who's spending the night - with me. (uh ooooohhh... i was warned about that, could i be headed for more trouble? i don't think so but then what do i know. hehehehehe) it helps my bruised self-esteem, i don't feel ugly anymore.

i think i like women, maybe i'll have 2 or 3 as friend/companions.

no offense to anybody - its just where i'm at today. besides it helps to ease the other feelings. so...

Just for today i gotta do what i gotta do and they say that i am right where i am supposed to be.

Just For Today

2008-01-03T16:33:00.000-05:00

This is going to sound a little bit unbelievable (i aint mad at you if you doubt me) but i didn't read the letter at the marriage counsellors. i actually didn't even go there. something occurred to me: if you love someone then respect them and their wishes even if it doesn't coincide with what YOU want.

PERIOD.

if i plan to practice this philosophy, if i am showing something different then i need to start right the fuck now!

so i picked her up, told her that we don't have to go at all. told her that i respect her and wish her all the best.

i'm done causing stress in her life. i'm ready to spread my wings and start applying the principles in my life again. i'm ready to learn the lessons of this experience and grow from it.
i'm ready to be drew again !

ahhhhhh... it feels good to be back.
my disease tries to tell me lies, the lies are so effective because they come in the form of my own thoughts and i typically believe them.
but...

Just For Today...

disease you can kiss my ass. me and God are going to be just fine.

REAL TALK

2008-01-03T13:07:00.000-05:00

last night it was suggested to me that I get real with GOD. tell HIM the truth: that I don't trust HIM and that I fear that HE will not handle things the way that I want them handled. ask HIM to give ME the power to use my tools and survive this situation in my life.

so i did.

and today "she" called and we had a civil conversation which ended in her agreeing to go to a couples counsellor with me today (with an open mind)

ok GOD, i see you working.
right?

weeeeeeeeeeell...

a few hours later she called sounding troubled and i asked what was wrong and a conversation ensued which consisted of her telling me she is basically open-minded as long as it forwards her agenda ?!?!?!?!?

this is the following letter that i have written to her and that i will take to the counsellors...

YOU ARE RIGHT...

i dont think you're wrong

your feelings are real just like mine.

i was listening to you say

1. you are bitter
(over time we can be forgiving - we have done it before and we can do it again)

2. you don't want to repeat the same mistakes & be unhappy
(me neither - that's insane. we have never been here before this is not a repeat. - this is an eye opening first.)

3. you may think that something out there can offer you more or better happiness
(whatever is out there will take work also - we have put in so much work already - learning about each other and loving each other and growing together - maybe we deserve to reap the rewards of all our hard work)

i believe that we both shared a love and a committment - i believe that - i don't know that we have been miserable for years - we had our moments for sure but we had our moments of great joy also -
where we difer is that you don't believe that things can change - what i say is:

we have invested too much and have a great family and a powerful love that has survived the disease of addiction and that it can also survive this ---

for the sake of the four of us and the others who may also be affected - let's be willing to see if God can move in our lives right now at this place where we have never been before - this is not the same old story - i have never hurt you like this before & i have never been hurt like this before - we have never gone outside our relationship before & we have never separated before. this is all new not the same.

let's let the counsellors counsel and lets let God be God and let's keep our hearts and minds open and let's see what we see in this session - our kids deserve the best regardless of what my personal wants may be... because if i hold on then i will be happy knowing that we are all happy (i just happen to believe that i can love you through this place that you are in right now)

prior to talking to her i had called a few people and reminded myself not to get my hopes up too high (yeah right)

but i am not devastated...
nor hurt...
but only hopeful...

Just For Today: God, I know you hear me: am i a fool for believing that true love endures. that my little family can be spared the ill affects of a divorce. that if i am but willing to work hard and hold on through all the hurt and discouragement, that as a reward for all of our years of hard work and committment that the prize can be ours... the prize being true blessed joy ?

God please don't let me be wrong...

PLEASE !

ok the gloves are off...

2008-01-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

so maybe i thought that if i didn't say anything that this shit would blow over on its own. kinda like a distoreted acting as if thing (you know)?

anyway here's whats up:

nothing has changed - in fact things are getting worse. i am pertrified that my next goof will cause her to call the cops on me.

my self-respect is wanning & her respect for me is also.

I keep clowning - placing bugs on her computer so i can see who she's talking to - so i can get mad and hurt and crazy.

i'm done.

i confessed in an open meeting and surrendered and asked for help

people are going to stick with me all day tomorrow.

three guys shared that their similar experiences landed them in jail - i ain't going out like that.

people shared wiht me that they knew me bofore i got with her and that i was afraid of being by myself then (5 years ago) snd now its time for me to face the fear - they also shared that i have what it takes to handle this and that from this i will indeed grow. they reminded me that they all love me just the same now as they did when we were together (she's also in the program and we attended the same meetings in this small town)
which incidently brings me to my next point: she was so aggrivated with me tyhat she went into the meeting and shared about my behavior in the meeting where everybody knew who she was talking about.
i wasn't angry or embarrassed - i actually understand that she has to do what she feels is necessary for her recovery. i pushed her to this point. i have to change. i understand (normally she would never do anything like that)

so no more promises, oaths, deals or reservations. now i am rolling on pure fear (fear of being locked up. they say when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of the unknown then we will change. weeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll... i think my time has come.
today is my new clean date for this chaotic mess (i can't even call it a relationship anymore - i have destroyed that long ago).

JUST FOR TODAY: fuck it, even an broken clock is right twice a day (meaning that even old braindead can finally have enough pain to try something different)

DISCLAIMER: hey i ain't making this stuff up for dramatic effect. this just is what it is and i just write about it to the best of my ability. i thank God for those of you who give unselfishly in order to help the 'still suffering'. You are angels and my God is smiling on you. May the worst of your future surpass the best of your past.
I love you.
Kepp praying for my (and if you haven't been praying for me: then please start)

Posted on my poetry site today...

2008-01-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

http://deepesthonesty.blogspot.com/

this doesn't mean that I am meloncholy or anything like that,
I just felt like writing

Back in Ohio

2008-01-02T01:47:00.000-05:00

Everything's still cool

Chicago Day One...

2007-12-31T20:55:00.001-05:00

Everythings cool.

I keep forgetting...

2007-12-30T18:39:00.000-05:00

Keep forgettin we're not in love anymore.
Not acceptin' that we are not together anymore.
Can't believe that I can't MAKE this right somehow.

I tried so hard to act as if i actually hard so damn sense, but i failed miserably.
I acted out in the exact same manner as i have on several occasions. DOING THE SAME THING AND HOPING FOR A DIFFERENT RESULT.
Anyhow, I made a decision to break away for a few days and head to chicago to enjoy the holidays with family and try to move on - its hard to leave and i don't believe this will be the magic cure for anything.

I been thinking about finding a "friend" to maybe distract myself - everybody says no don't do it. but i am getting pretty desperate these days for anything that might help. (besides it seems to be working for my EX)

At any rate; keeping the focus on me: I am heading out right now.
I'm taking my laptop (so that i can continue to write.)
I have long distance on my phone (so my sponsor and friends will always be near).
They have tons of meetings there so I can stay connected.
I even know some fellow members in that area so I'm already going to be in good hands.

Not to mention God.

He Is.

No matter where I am.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Thats the sound of sweet relief - which is what i am feeling now as i bare my soul and know that things are going to get better.

peace

Afternoon UPdate...

2007-12-30T14:29:00.000-05:00

Still no tears...
i talked to the EX this morning and got some real clarity:
there will be no possible reconciliation in two weeks.
Nor will it happen in two months.
And it probably aint gonna happen in two years.
Truth of the matter is that "WE ARE DONE!"
When she said anything's possible that was like saying that pigs MAY someday fly, but i wouldn't hold my breath waiting on that.

SO now i was wondering why she hadn't just told me that?
Well in retrospect she had told me EXACTLY that in several ways on several occasions.
I started thinking "damn i'm stupid. just like my nickname - a braindead fucker" then i realized that that's not it at all - i just have selective hearing.

I didn't trip - I actually sighed.
I guess it's a relief to know that i have no choice but to surrender - as long as I kept believing that there was a way that i could USE SUCCESSFULLY (be with her) then it was as if i had no choice but to go on.

My literature says that when we are beaten we become willing.
I am ok with todays events (so far)
i haven't called her back or drove the 4 whole blocks to where she lives) and i don't plan too.

I do plan to take care of me - work-out, get back in school, hobbies, seek a better job (shit we work together) - just do some things that help me quell the voices that sometimes tell me that i'm a reject and a loser.

Just for today I strive to allow my love of self and the love from my Higher Power to be sufficient.

So far so good.

Side Note...

2007-12-30T08:57:00.000-05:00

On my way to bed last night it occurred to me that...
I hadn't cried at all that whole day !
I believe that this is indeed progress.
This morning i awoke to feelings of sadness about the reality of things but I ain't crying, i'm just packing for my trip...

The Circus is leaving town...

2007-12-30T00:51:00.000-05:00

i slept good finally. i was soo frazzled and stressed that i must've passed out and slept like a baby for almost 8 hours. that was rejuvenating. so today came and brought with it a whole new series of adventures:
1. got things straightened out with the hospital
2. and the cops,
3. i also picked up my belongings and my vehicle from the hospital parking lot - whew that was a HUGE relief.
4. couldn't locate my ex last night - she was supposed to be picking up my truck from the hospital lot but she disappeared and didn't re-appear until i was at her house in the afternoon asking her mom what happened. she had apparentl;y spent the night out with some guy (i asked, she admitted - they fucked. that sucks, i said "i don't care, are you done yet and am i still the best ever?" she said "you're definitely the best ever but i ain't done, give me a couple weeks of complete space and then we can look at reconciling (two weeks)" i said "you promise?" she said "yes"
i said "i'm going to chicago (5 1/2 hours away & i'm staying for about a week) she said "good idea" (i agreed) i said "can we go to bed JUST ONE MORE TIME before i go - maybe this afternoon?" she said "ok". so we agreed on a time & when the time came she decided that she really didn't want to sleep with me.
you're probably wondering how that felt right? that's a real no brainer hunh?
so how did i react? like a semi fool: i tried to PLEAD WITH, REASON WITH, BARGAIN WITH, SWEET TALK, GUILT TRIP her and in the end NOTHING. SO i went to my last resort
SURRENDER, we had a nice conversation with the baby running around us and i then told her i'd see in later and that i wouldn't call or text or anything else for a few weeks. Although later i did see her and stopped by and asked again (NICELY) and of course she said NO, so i said how bout later and she said maybe - i said call me - she said if she feels interested she will, she didn't and so i called her.

NOTE: this shit is sick and it would be so easy to change a few details to make me look better but i won't, maybe because i hope someone can help me or maybe because i want someone to be spared this type of insanity in their life or maybe because i'm just a braindead fuck who talks too much - i really ain't sure.

Now i'm at home not really hating life or anything, just looking forward to my trip and hoping that I can stand on my word (of no contact). Believing that she will stand on hers (of reconciliation). Trusting to a fault that she will keep her word. Fearing that if/WHEN that doesn't happen my wounds will be refreshingly ripped open yet again and i will then discover that every bottom has an even deeper level CLEAN.

I trust in the process tho - hope is never lost as long as i stay clean. getting out of here will give me new sights sounds and opportunities to work on me.
GOd this really sucks sometimes but oh well its all i can do right now and its the only life that i have.
Just For Today - thank YOU (whoever is reading this and not judging me as a fucking loser) - God Bless

p.s. i tried to edit this but tonight i don't think i can handle re-feeling it all over again - it might ruin my night. i'm going to bed.

On the run...

2007-12-29T00:19:00.000-05:00

You aint even gonna believe this shit. nope not at all. actually someone mercifully predicted this and warned me, but braindead fuck that i am...
anyway here's what happened:
Right now I am sitting in the living room of a good friends house becuase i can't go home since the cops are looking for me.
it seems i had one crying spell too many and this time i had it at work (i politely informed my co-workers that i needed to step away for a few. then i went to see the therapist - i work at one of those types of places.) i cried and shared and made one colorful statement too many and i also pounded on his end table once for emphasis (no harm donr to table or hand) but next thing you know they're trying to committ me to the mental ward.
wait it obviously gets worse...
they ask to to volunteer myself and i say what if i dont, then they say they'll "pink slip" me which means i'll stay longer. ththen this big ogre dude walks up and stands by me - fuck !
So i say ok then as the nurse goes to get the paper work i head for the bathroom and bolt towards the exit.
Now i'm running down the street in the rain wearing a wife-beater tee shirt pants and socks - running scared as hell.
Scared cuz i am the type that gets high anxiety if i think i'm being even slightly confined.
so now i'm afraid that the cops are gonna catch me and lock me up.
and i was thinking that this couldn't get any worse.
I could write for day about my many feelings and the lessons learned but i won't.
please suffice it to say: i ain't causing no more trouble just for today & i hope i can get this stuff with the hospital straightened out soon.
so...
Just For Today: what do YOU think?

Help

2007-12-28T08:14:00.001-05:00

Thank God for HELP. I had a call late last night (2:00am) from a newcomer needing HELP. So here I am trying to get some sleep before my 7am shift when; for no apparent reason, I just wake up and then my cell phone rings. The caller ID displayed this guys name, whom I had just met a week ago at a meeting. Without thinking I answered the call. And boy was he was in a crises situation. He shared the details and his feelings and I shared understanding, support and my experience (having been in a similar spot). After about 10-15 minutes of talking & listening we actually shared a few laughs and ended the call. I thought this incident was noteworthy not because I am some "helluva" recovering addict that always goes the extra mile for his fellow addict. I share this because sometimes God will give us opportunities to show love and support to a fellow human being. In doing this I can (as the program suggests) keep what I have because I have given it away. God is awesome and His plan is perfect (not always to my liking or understanding) but perfect none-the-less I choose to believe today. I went to bed after this call feeling very good, because as I shared with my late night caller (a newcomer with less than 60 days clean) God was sharing with me (a newcomer with almost 3 years clean).
Just for today, I am grateful for the Courage, Trust & Faith needed to walk this path with optimism and eagerness. God, I thank you.

He Is !

2007-12-27T00:58:00.000-05:00

Thank God for the clarity borne of a difficult situation. In the midst of my personal struggles with powerlessness I have discovered that my Higher Power is awesome ! I thank Him for all that He is in the midst of focusing on what life and people are not. I thank God for His "UNCONDITIONAL" love and "FORGIVENESS" I am learning to draw comfort from knowing that regardless of what does or doesn't happen in my life (losses, failures or transgressions) God's characteristics don't change. I can never do so much wrong that He turns His back on me. Woo Hoo that is good news ! As a matter of fact that is the best news in the world for an addict like me who often seeks approval and love and forgiveness and understanding from people. That was such a fallible & faulty plan - as people do tend to fall short and let you down from time to time and yet God loves, and He keeps on loving and understanding and accepting and forgiving NO MATTER WHAT.
Just for today this is my comfort and my rock! I am building my new house on this foundation. I will strive to live according to the characteristics that I have attributed to my Higher Power.
Peace.

So far..

2007-12-26T16:49:00.000-05:00

so far so good. Staying busy helps a lot. Everything helps a lot. Most importantly I think time helps a lot. Whatever the case. Thank you God.
Just for today... i have to remember that i no matter what I am still "Drew" and that ain't a bad place to be, besides I'm growing and working on me and God-willing; improving - imagine that. It's a great day to be clean.

Oooooooooooooooh Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay !!

2007-12-26T02:59:00.000-05:00

I ain't having anymore of this mess. I ain't volunteering for anymore pain. I think I may finally have hit a bottom & now I am ready to let go. I have some bright ideas based on things that folks have been sharing with me & a few that I have come up with on my own (uh ohhhh!).
I'll keep you posted on how this all pans out.
I have a smile on my face right now - i believe that things are finally going to be alright.
And guess what? God is still good.
JUST FOR TODAY...I think i have some clarity on His power and ability.

My enemy, myself

2007-12-26T00:28:00.000-05:00

I am not bull-shitting around here when I write my blog. It might seem like it. It might even seem like i'm straight up crazy. But it just fuckin' is what it fuckin' is. Sometimes (as you may have noticed...) I am doing better or ok or whatever you may want to call it. And then out of no fucking where the moon falls out of the heavens and lands right on my crotch. I am falling apart at the seams. I keep doing what i am supposed to do as far as sharing with others my true feelings (privately & in groups), attending meetings, sponsorship (calling twice as much as normal lately), prayer (like a madman - i even started reading the bible a little & joined a church) & i have not used !
But dammit I am still hurting like a bitch here & I am sick of this shit. sick and tired of feeling like this. I ask and ask God why is this happening. I ask God for help constantly.
But it is still all over me.
OK enough poor me shit.
I am still fucking up - i talk to her damn near everyday - if i'm trying to be strong she will call me talking about our son. Or whatever reason. I never let the phone just ring.
I am still fucking up - reading her e-mails and seeing how happily and easily she is having conversations with other men - I never just leave her shit alone like I should.
I am still fucking up - I continue to sleep with her - telling myself that a little bit of her beats the alternative - i never just let the fucking wound heal.
I am still fucking up - I cry to her and plead with her and try to reason with her - just never balls up and walk away.
I am still fucking up - and i wonder why i am still fucked up.
Just for today - Merciful, Almighty God in heaven please help a poor lost soul who can't seem to help himself.
Please

Gotta let it burn...

2007-12-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

This morning I watched as my kids opened their gifts from Santa - they were ecstatic ! They seemed to have received every gift imaginable ! Santa is good. Even though I was very happy & grateful to be a part of it all, I felt as though I had to force my smile at times. I guess knowing that I have to be leaving soon kinda put a little damper on the festivities for me. But oh well things could always be worse. Thank you God for all the good that I have in my life.
Just for this moment - I'll just keep moving forward, trying like hell to be grateful for the things that "ARE" all around me - and not be focused on the things that "AREN'T".
God "IS" and His plan is absolutely better than what I can come up with - whether I can see it or not. I will walk this path and look forward to what lies ahead.
Peace to all and May God Bless.

One small step forward...

2007-12-25T06:36:00.001-05:00

Seems like I'm taking very small forward steps these days, which is great news. The not so great news is that I often follow it up with a few rather sizeable steps in the opposite direction. I willl forego details today to get to the point: Merry Christmas to all you celebrate and It's a great day to be clean to everybody else. I am getting to a place where it's ok that my relationship is over. We talked, some very painful shit was shared and in the end i was like ok cool. I am tired of all this shit - maybe its finally sinking in that God is going to have His way regardless of what I do. I also understand that nothing I say or do can change matters. So I went over toher place and watched the kids open gifts, then we took a ride together (with the kids) then we went to my place and had sex. It was good too. Not just the sex but the whole thing. We resolved to have sex whenever and for as long as it's convenient and appropriate (to us). I told her that I won't be seeking it out, she will have to initiate the act more than she has been. She agreed. I made a decision to move on.
Just for today even hard headed mules like me can eventually see the writing on the wall. Today i am able to make decisions (although sometimes those decisions are already made by life) and I can become ok with them.

Ain't That A Bitch...

2007-12-24T02:43:00.000-05:00

Ok so I did a pretty good job of not calling "her" today. Then she sends me a text message, i respond, and the next thing you know we're going back and forth message after message. I'm thinking to myself 'well she started it and i'm just responding' right ? So that was ok with me until I start wondering why all of a sudden is she being so nice to me? Is she feeling guilty because she has done something bad ? I don't fuckin' know what to think or feel. I know that I don't want anymore pain or misery that's all. So I called her and told her that if she is seeking out another relationship or friendship with a male (or any other behavior that she wouldn't have engaged in while we were together) then I would prefer that she just leave me alone. She has told me that she isn't interested in anyone else, on more than one occasion.
So who do i think i am to make statements like these to her ? I'm me dammit. And besides... we still see each other a little bit. We had dinner and hung out at the mall the other day, sex a few days before that, still have keys to each others vehicles, i still have a key to her house, i'm invited to christmas at her house. This doesn't mean we're together - but it does give me a reason to keep hope alive. I am trying to play my cards right. But she did go and seperate our bank accounts. And she insists that she wants to be single. All in all i am still not feeling good about things and i guess i'm developing a whole new set of feelings like maybe i'm playing the fool. maybe i should stick to my guns and let this gaping wound heal. maybe holding on is a waste of time that is going to lead to further pain. I feel conflicted. of course i wish things were different, but they're not. i really don't like the fact that i'm starting to think that maybe God's will for me is to leave her alone. I am even more terrified by the thought that i might grow to the point where i don't even want the relationship back. right now i can't imagine not being in that relationship (that's odd considering that i'm not in the relationship presently) AND i honestly think that i might be developing a deepening resentment from every time i think about how much i have hurt right in her face, pleaded with her and begged forgiveness and she just turned and walked away. On the one hand I respect the courage and determination necessary for her to do that but on the other hand i think that when somebody loves you they don't stand by and watch you hurt. they may hurt you on accident (i'm the poster boy for that dumb-shit) but i never looked a friend in the eye and consciously hurt them or watched as they hurt. but all in all i understand that - when a person's done - they're done.
Just for this moment, if things don't change soon on her part then i suspect they will have no choice but to change on my part, and right now that is a sad commentary in my opinion. But God is still good no matter what.
Peace.

Geeeee-Zuz !

2007-12-23T20:26:00.000-05:00

Its been almost 24 hours since I have dialed her number. I don't think you hear me. I said almost TWENTY FOUR HOURS ! I didn't think i could make it this far. I guess I really didn't, not alone anyway. Thank you God and my support people. I pray that I can go on for the duration of today, then tomorrow I will try to re-committ to this plan. She called me once for some directions and I was civil. I didn't bring up anything or ask any questions or try to be really cool or act cold and indifferent. I just gave her the help that she requested and I got off the phone. Almost like what normal people do (I think).
Anyway, surprisingly enough I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. Maybe this will pass. I am trying not to think that "if i do this then she will miss me and come back" no! I ain't trying to fall into that trap either. I have simply had enough pain. I don't want to add to it. I wanted to ask about my sons today but I concluded that if i don't take time to work on me (which may involove a few days or a week of non contact) then i won't be any good to them anyway. My mind has been so distracted that when I am around them - I'm not really fully there. So out of love for me I ned to take care of me so that I can be available for them and everyone else to whom I may someday have the opportunity to assist.
God help me - this day is almost done. My disease is working overtime.
Just for this moment - I do believe that I can and will survive this thing.

Hold me now...

2007-12-23T13:01:00.000-05:00

Today I awakened to discover that God has given me another chance at life. Today I want to live it. I am clean & relatively healthy. I have friends, family and many blessings for which I am truly grateful. I worked third shift last night and slept too long to attend church service this morning, but that's ok. I can still pray and meditate today. God is good and He is available.
Well about 20 minutes into my day i get a phone call from an in-law. It was an innocent enough call (inquiring about her PC that I am currently reparing) in the course of the conversation my "EX's" name was mentioned along with some of her plans for the day. Now mind you I asked about my "brother in law" and the rest of the information was just innocently given. Well that caused my stomach to just drop to the floor. I feel suddenly sad. My mind considers that I won't be seeing her or the rest of the family. Christmas is quite a bit lonelier this year.
Now as this depression begins its grip on me - I struggle to write this entry. I resolve that today me & God will get through. I will not call. I won't even answer the phone if "she" calls. I am done with it. The contact. The conversations. All of it. For a time. I have to allow myself to find freedom and I do not believe that i can achieve this as long as I continue to re-open the wound on a daily basis. I believe that there is NO alternative to the pains of withdrawal. It is something that must be felt & dealt with. As much as I "want to" continue acting out (be it through phone calls, visits, etc.) I "need to" let go & let GOD !
This is the only way out. It will possibly, no probably be uncomfortable at at times; but i resolve to curl up in the fetal position as needed. Holding on to my God and myself until the crisis passes. I am going to turn on my inspirational music now & recite some positive affirmations, pray & meditate. I will also attend a meeting, call someone who I might be able to give some support to, call my sponsor, and just feel what i need to feel and do what i need to do to get through this.
Just for today... I know that all feelings eventually pass and DAMMIT I'm going to do all that I can to not interfere with the process. Just for today I will Hold On To Hope. Just for today I ask God to hold on to me.
Peace and happy holidays to all.

Am I an idiot or what ?

2007-12-22T22:13:00.000-05:00

Ok its confession time again. I guess I doing it here is as good a place to do it. I have been guilt of acting out in the midst of this 'storm'. I have been guilty of numerous instances of disrecpect and the worst of which is the time that I showed up at her house unannounced while she was asleep wanting to know why she had stood me up and not even bothered to call me (not the first time she's done it this week either) anyway i have a key so i let myself in and she & I talked. then i apologized for doing it and she apologized for being in considerate and wouldn't you know the very next day she did the same thing to me and i went right back over to her house and let myself in again 'wanting to talk'. That shit is freakin nuts, and I know it. it's been a few days and i haven't had the desire to do it again and i believe that i have made a committment not to ever do that stalker shit again. God help me.
So we had a date today and 'as usual these days' shit didn't work out as planned - to my disappoinment. she really doesn't seem to mind letting me down, even though i explained to her that she's treating me in a way that she wouldn't want to be treated and she agreed - but she continues to do the same shit again and again.
And it really sucks ! I know it's all my fault - i keep volunteering for the madness, but dammit i am willing to put up with some crap to get her and my family back together again. So why am I complaining? Cuz i'm a fuckin' idiot.
That's the best I can come up with. I embarrass myself by pouting and asking a thousand questions, trying to convince and manipulate. whew - i feel like a hot mess sometimes. but on the bright side i have been doing all the necessary things for my recovery. including this: writing about my feelings. I believe that she unconsciously is trying to screw my over as an expression of her hurt, pain and anger. after all i did betray her trust by talking to another woman (not dating, or having sex with... just talking) so at any rate the baby in me continues to have his say so periodically, but...
Just for today... that little asshole didn't rule my world. For the most part I did a fine job today, I did minimal collateral damage today. I got into a solution of sorts quickly, I felt better very quickly (THANK YOU GOD !) and I still ain't going to get high behind none of this shit.
Today I claim the victory.
Peace.

Oh Well...

2007-12-22T02:22:00.000-05:00

...it is what it is and it ain't what I want it to be. But there's not a damn thing that I can do to change things... "oh well". The solution seems simple enough: get over it, let it go and move on right? Too bad I don't allow my life to be as easy it that. Too bad I have to continue to try and exert some control over the situation. Too bad I'm powerless and refuse to act like it. Too bad that during 'crunch-time' I act like I don't trust God and His ability to handle this situation. Too bad that I want what I want, when I want it - to a fault. Yep, too bad. Too bad for me, because all I've been doing is prolonging & worsening matters (maybe). Too bad that I am going through the worse feelings that I have felt in the few years that I have been clean.
On the flip side though; (and I thank God for the flip side and my ability to recognize that there is one), I have been "doing" fine - despite my "feelings". I haven't stopped attending meetings, going to work, showing up for my children, being respectful (for the most part) toward my EX. I have been answering my phone for my sponsees and friends & family whether it's a call with concern for me or someone with an issue of their own. I haven't run into another relationship seeking comfort (thank you God!), started a spending spree, an eating frenzy, gambling, or anything other void filling activities. And thank you God that I haven't found myself in a bitter place very often (and when I go there I don't stay long).
The cherry on top this morning is that I have not had the desire to use drugs. For some reason that hasn't crossed my mind as being a solution to anything. Logically I know this but it's just noteworthy & praiseworthy that my '12 step training' is holding fast in the midst of what appears to be "the storm of the century".
What I am learning so far: That I am loved. That I am imperfect. That I am ok. That shit happens whether I want to to or not. That God is good. That recovery happens. That things can ALWAYS be worse. That I can always put my hand to something and make it worse. That this too shall pass.
Just for this moment: Life is indeed worth living.
Peace.

Another day another...

2007-12-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

Day by day i move forward. I haven't laid down and died yet and i don't think that i will. Whew ! Thank you God for strengthening me through this ordeal. Thank you for surrounding me with your prescence, with your angels & spokespersons. Everyone who has talked to me, prayed for me, sat with me & cried with me - thanks from the bottom of my heart - i promise to try and be of service to the next person who will come behind me. Today I thank God for this experience - not that I am glad to have felt the pain, nor am I glad that I have caused harm - but I am grateful for the clarity and the growth that I am experiencing as a result of. I see my life and my Higher Power much diferently now. I even look at my recovery differently. Today i understand that either God is or He ain't. That trusting Him is not easy but it's not as hard as I want to believe that it is either. That by trusting in Him I have nothing to fear. I also understand that complancency can set in in a relationship just like in recovery. I understand that sometimes a relapse can be the jarring experience that brings about a more rigorous application of my program and this applies to my relationships as well as my recovery. I understand that for as much as I have grown - I have not arrived and...
Just for today I have work to do if I want to receive the rewards of a life filled with serenity & God's love.
P.S. Just an update: my relationship is still gone. After numerous discussions I have surrendered to the fact that I am powerless. I am not at all happy about this but I am grateful for the many many blessings in my life today and for my life. I won't question God's decisions anymore. I am not done hurting, but fool that I am - I continue to hope, even though it's been said that all hope is gone. Maybe in time I will learn to let that go to. All i know is that I am going to take continue to take the awesome suggestions that I have received from my friends in both fellowships (Irish Friend - I love you!)
Once again the message is hope - that I ain't gotta use DOPE no matter what, come HELL, HIGHWATER or the breakup of the best relationship that I've ever had in my life.
Peace.

In too deep...

2007-12-17T16:37:00.000-05:00

i dont know if i'm crazy or what but i want to just fucking kill myself. i am not dealing with this shit well at all. i am not coping well. i am stuck in a place where shit just hurts too much. it will go away only to return again. i am too damn tired. i don't want any more. i give up. this is some bullshit. it ain't supposed to feel like this, love aint supposed to fucking kill your spirit like this. i ain't grateful for shit right now and i really don't care too much for life in general at this point... and its all a bunch of fucking stupiid shit - i gave my imperfect all to a person, now i'm like a fucking nobody and a nothing to them - i just want to fucking scream but what damn use will it do me - nothing will help - nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing... i hate life and i hate myself and i really hate this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seven, Eight, Nine...

2007-12-17T11:04:00.000-05:00

The fight was fixed. He must've had a horse-shoe is his glove or something cause every one of his punches hurt like crazy. After taking round after round of this insane beating i find myself lying on the canvas. looking up at a room thats spinning too fast to recgnize it. i hear the referee counting off numbers along with voices of others screaming for me to stay down. The voice in my head insists that i get up and try again. That voice doesn't care that i can only open one eye and that i can't feel my legs - it can't care, all it knows is keep going. I think i must've gotten my mind from the Energizer Bunny.
Fortunately I am so tired, so damn dog-tired that i am almost unable to heed the call to battle again. In my heart of hearts i hope that i can just give up, i hope that i can just surrender. I hope that i am too hurt to try again. Through the pain comes the clarity - everytime i put my hand to this situation i seem to add to my own misery, not to mention what i may be doing to others.
God help me. That has become my mantra. The sum total of all the i am and know throught this recovery process: just a humble power man asking for the help that only the God of my understanding can give.
it's so ironic, that i have to hold back my twisted laughter. ironic that i have on many many occasions asked God for the power. The power to carry out His will. Today i stand before the throne asking for to power to accept my powerlessness. the power to just stay down. the power to just relax and let the referee continue his count...
Just for today - i can stop fighting and let God do His thing no matter how terribly frightening that can appear to be.

Arms Getting Tired...

2007-12-16T23:03:00.000-05:00

I been kickin and scratchin and fighting with all I have inside of me. I don't want to lose - not this time. SO even though I grow weary I fight on and on...
Man this ain't workin', not at all, not this way. I know it's not working but i continue on this insane path (same thing, results gotta be different this time right?- wrong!) bad part is i know its nutso to keep callin, beggin, cussin, reasonin, etc. but i am rationalizing the most outrageous nonsense to myself - and of course i keep falling for it and i keep getting hurt. i'm the set up artist and the fall guy all in one. At this point, i wouldn't even want to get back together with me.
"i'm pretty pathetic" i think to myself. but then i immediately think "no i'm just in love and people in love never give up on each other" it never, ever occurs to me that when i say 'people in love' i'm talking about a plural word that represents more than one persons involvement. when there aren't at least two people involved in the 'love' affair then it's sort of unhealthy, almost like being a stalker or at best a nuisance.
I am growing thank God. slowly but surely. Today for the most part i wasn't miserable. i had my moments and however short-lived they were they hurt intensely.
my disease wants me to think that my whole day sucked when it reality it didn't. i laughed and actually had some fun today - thank you friends, fellowship and God.
tonight as i write this i am struggling with calling her -damn i want to so badly and i ain't promising that i won't but right now, i'm not going to. she said she might call me tonight but she didn't but oh well that's life.
also i need to confess that i haven't been the nicest person and she's not the devil or evil bitch - we're both just people and we're both having our own individual processes, my process isn't any more "correct" than hers is. so i guess i should act like a person in love by showing some respect for where she's at and what she wants to do with her life. i have learned a few things today (on a much deeper level) i learned that trusting God isn't alway easy, i learned that powerlessness means NO POWER so cut it out trying to exert some POWER or control over the situation. I learned that i better get busy working on me, keping the focus on me, that GOD has a plan for me, He's allowing me to go through this for a reason, the only way to get through this is to go through this feeling it all the way, life on life's terms aren't always easy and are in fact sometimes AWFULLY painful, that I need to pray for everybody, and right now more than ever before I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF AND REAFFIRM MY COMMITMENT TO LOVING... ME !
Just For Today: I have every reason to be grateful. I better keep rreminding myself of that. I ain't using so i have a chance to learn and grow from this - if i am willing to do the work. And tonight the WORK is "not calling her".
Please GOd giveme the stregth - you know that I am so very tired of fighting.
Y'all pray for me. thanks.