You Don't Even Want To Know...

Feels like "all hell has broken loose" in my life. Here are my reasons why I feel like that:
1. Broke a business committment; No Call, No Show.
2. Lied about it to the other party.
3. Procrastinated (among other things) and caused delays in other responsibilities.
4. Been moving slow on my step work, after changing sponsors because my old sponsor kept me waiting to work steps*.
5. Been selling myself short in business deals - contributing to financial stress.
6. Been basically putting things (like life) off until tomorrow, knowing that I should be living for today, in today.
No I didn't go to jail or cheat on my wife or rob a bank but based on the way I "feel" about things lately, I might as well have. This whole "having a conscience" thing can really suck at time. I "feel" so like shit. I am truly disappointed in myself. I know that I am capable of doing better. These are facts about the way I feel. But everything I "feel" isn't based on facts. For example I "feel" like the lowest piece of shit on earth. Still a good-for-nothing, lying, lazy disappoinment of a man. I said "Still" because those are feeling that I had when I arrived at the 12 step program. My disease tells me to give it up, I'll never be normal or a worthwhile human being - fuck it, I'm a failure. A pretender. A dumbass. But I do have to thank God (quickly) for my 12 Step program, meetings, sponsorship & a network of people who remind me that:
1. We all fall short.
2. At best, we only human.
3. I am growing and have come a looooooooooooooooong way.
4. Get out of the problem and into the solution - which is: do better next time.
5. I am worthwhile, God loves me, you guys love me & to be honest: I love me.
6. I have so much to be grateful for if I just remember to look for it.
Yes sir this has been a hell-of-a week; which all came to a head today, but when I look at things with my NEW perspective I see that it wasn't so very bad after all. I didn't go use, so that means that I'll have another chance to get it right tomorrow. So in the midst of the storm, I thank God for the re-programming that I am receiving (some call it an awakening of the spirit) which prompts me to seek out a power greater than me which can restore me to sanity. Thanks God for the help that is available & the willingness to ask for it.
Peace

I got sunshine...

There's a song that goes: I GOT SUNSHINE ON A CLOUDY DAY, WHEN ITS COLD OUTSIDE I GOT THE MONTH OF MAY. Well I ain't quite that chipper, but I am very grateful for God and this program today despite the struggles in my life. Lately I haven't been so caught up in the negativity and anger brought on by having to raise my boys (20 months and 6 years) while my wife's at work. Whew ! Lately I haven't been so grumpy about having to clean house behind a bunch of adults and kids who apparently couldn't care less. Amazingly I haven't completely lost my mind behind this car I purchased for several thousand dollars which has turned out to be a complete lemon (needs an engine and a host of other stuff) I haven't even killed my wife behind our recent arrival into the land of absolute brokeness (notice how i kinda blame here for it) I just have not found it necessary to use drugs over this shit or cuss anybody out either. Miracle ? Hell yeah it is. There's something about staying on the path and keeping the faith. In a lot of ways I have been changing (no longer interested in sleeping with bunches of hot chicks, or stealing or lying, etc) but this one is the hum-dinger ! I have been praying about my lack of acceptance and my temper and wella - i found relief. Seemingly effortless relief from acting like a total maniac (while my disease told me that I'd be well justified in doing so "this time"). Well JUST FOR TODAY: disease you can kiss my ass, Thank you God and the 12 Steps and the members who keep loving me and showing me the way. If you think that you can't get better in a certain area of your life - you are sadly mistaken. We do recover. Peace

Step Four ? Hah !

I haven't posted anything in about a week - been too busy living life. Lately I've been holding on with both hands -the highs astronomical, the lows - the pits of hell. The twists & turns in the road - fast & furious. A day in the life of a bi-polar schizophrenic? nope - this is me caught in the grips of step six. And they say that step four is the "make or breaker". My step four was rough indeed but at least i had heard the rumors about how 'intense' that step could be - so i was prepared for the worst. But this step here - nobody warned me (as if that could've helped). to make things worse - this ain't even my first time doing this step. This is the step that is like when they put the Shocker Things on your chest to restore your heartbeat - it's a bitch - but it'll save your life. more on this later...