Closure with a capital "K"

Oh shit guess who's done it again...

me thats who.
i listened to my disease brain tell me to turn and drive down past her house.
her car wasn't in the driveway.
wait, its after midnight and she gets up at six.
so i'm thinking that she is getting high - there have been a series of coincidences that led me to this conclusion but i suspected that after today she would expose herself - since she had been broke but now i gave her some money.
so she aint home and on the way back from the store she still wasnt home - so hell yeah she's using.

thats the fantasy - the reality is that my disease had going full blast.
it told me to stake out her house, but first drive by a couple of her friends houses then stalk... i mean stake out her house.
why? because i had to see for myself...

so i waited about a half hour then right when my friend talked me into leaving here she comes driving real slow and kinda crooked...
so i jumped out of the car and got right in her face...
and...
she didnt look at all high ?!?!?!?!
and she was pissed off.
i tried to actually convince her that she was high and i could tell "look at your pupils" "check out your behavior"
but she wasnt biting
she didn't even look slightly buzzed
fuck
i almost kinda in a sick way wish that she was (not really me but my disease does)
because then it would explain everything.
but oh well things could always get worse right?
yeah they can
i had to ask the question
you know the question,
so you been out all this time chasing some dick ?
and she said yes.
i just turned and walked away.
Just for today - maybe i shouldnt have chosen the name that i did. i might've cursed myself, but gthe good news is, that i aint mad, upset or hurt - not at all - just really relieved.

because she is my reservation...
peace.

As night falls...

everything is still cool...

really - i'm not lying.

i've been praying when the butterflies come and its working.

i've been talking to friends and staying positive.

and i met somebody who's spending the night - with me. (uh ooooohhh... i was warned about that, could i be headed for more trouble? i don't think so but then what do i know. hehehehehe) it helps my bruised self-esteem, i don't feel ugly anymore.

i think i like women, maybe i'll have 2 or 3 as friend/companions.

no offense to anybody - its just where i'm at today. besides it helps to ease the other feelings. so...

Just for today i gotta do what i gotta do and they say that i am right where i am supposed to be.

Just For Today

This is going to sound a little bit unbelievable (i aint mad at you if you doubt me) but i didn't read the letter at the marriage counsellors. i actually didn't even go there. something occurred to me: if you love someone then respect them and their wishes even if it doesn't coincide with what YOU want.

PERIOD.

if i plan to practice this philosophy, if i am showing something different then i need to start right the fuck now!

so i picked her up, told her that we don't have to go at all. told her that i respect her and wish her all the best.

i'm done causing stress in her life. i'm ready to spread my wings and start applying the principles in my life again. i'm ready to learn the lessons of this experience and grow from it.
i'm ready to be drew again !

ahhhhhh... it feels good to be back.
my disease tries to tell me lies, the lies are so effective because they come in the form of my own thoughts and i typically believe them.
but...


Just For Today...

disease you can kiss my ass. me and God are going to be just fine.

REAL TALK

last night it was suggested to me that I get real with GOD. tell HIM the truth: that I don't trust HIM and that I fear that HE will not handle things the way that I want them handled. ask HIM to give ME the power to use my tools and survive this situation in my life.

so i did.

and today "she" called and we had a civil conversation which ended in her agreeing to go to a couples counsellor with me today (with an open mind)

ok GOD, i see you working.
right?

weeeeeeeeeeell...

a few hours later she called sounding troubled and i asked what was wrong and a conversation ensued which consisted of her telling me she is basically open-minded as long as it forwards her agenda ?!?!?!?!?

this is the following letter that i have written to her and that i will take to the counsellors...


YOU ARE RIGHT...

i dont think you're wrong

your feelings are real just like mine.

i was listening to you say

1. you are bitter
(over time we can be forgiving - we have done it before and we can do it again)

2. you don't want to repeat the same mistakes & be unhappy
(me neither - that's insane. we have never been here before this is not a repeat. - this is an eye opening first.)

3. you may think that something out there can offer you more or better happiness
(whatever is out there will take work also - we have put in so much work already - learning about each other and loving each other and growing together - maybe we deserve to reap the rewards of all our hard work)

i believe that we both shared a love and a committment - i believe that - i don't know that we have been miserable for years - we had our moments for sure but we had our moments of great joy also -
where we difer is that you don't believe that things can change - what i say is:

we have invested too much and have a great family and a powerful love that has survived the disease of addiction and that it can also survive this ---

for the sake of the four of us and the others who may also be affected - let's be willing to see if God can move in our lives right now at this place where we have never been before - this is not the same old story - i have never hurt you like this before & i have never been hurt like this before - we have never gone outside our relationship before & we have never separated before. this is all new not the same.


let's let the counsellors counsel and lets let God be God and let's keep our hearts and minds open and let's see what we see in this session - our kids deserve the best regardless of what my personal wants may be... because if i hold on then i will be happy knowing that we are all happy (i just happen to believe that i can love you through this place that you are in right now)

prior to talking to her i had called a few people and reminded myself not to get my hopes up too high (yeah right)

but i am not devastated...
nor hurt...
but only hopeful...

Just For Today: God, I know you hear me: am i a fool for believing that true love endures. that my little family can be spared the ill affects of a divorce. that if i am but willing to work hard and hold on through all the hurt and discouragement, that as a reward for all of our years of hard work and committment that the prize can be ours... the prize being true blessed joy ?

God please don't let me be wrong...

PLEASE !

ok the gloves are off...

so maybe i thought that if i didn't say anything that this shit would blow over on its own. kinda like a distoreted acting as if thing (you know)?

anyway here's whats up:

nothing has changed - in fact things are getting worse. i am pertrified that my next goof will cause her to call the cops on me.

my self-respect is wanning & her respect for me is also.

I keep clowning - placing bugs on her computer so i can see who she's talking to - so i can get mad and hurt and crazy.

i'm done.

i confessed in an open meeting and surrendered and asked for help

people are going to stick with me all day tomorrow.

three guys shared that their similar experiences landed them in jail - i ain't going out like that.

people shared wiht me that they knew me bofore i got with her and that i was afraid of being by myself then (5 years ago) snd now its time for me to face the fear - they also shared that i have what it takes to handle this and that from this i will indeed grow. they reminded me that they all love me just the same now as they did when we were together (she's also in the program and we attended the same meetings in this small town)
which incidently brings me to my next point: she was so aggrivated with me tyhat she went into the meeting and shared about my behavior in the meeting where everybody knew who she was talking about.
i wasn't angry or embarrassed - i actually understand that she has to do what she feels is necessary for her recovery. i pushed her to this point. i have to change. i understand (normally she would never do anything like that)

so no more promises, oaths, deals or reservations. now i am rolling on pure fear (fear of being locked up. they say when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of the unknown then we will change. weeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll... i think my time has come.
today is my new clean date for this chaotic mess (i can't even call it a relationship anymore - i have destroyed that long ago).

JUST FOR TODAY: fuck it, even an broken clock is right twice a day (meaning that even old braindead can finally have enough pain to try something different)


DISCLAIMER: hey i ain't making this stuff up for dramatic effect. this just is what it is and i just write about it to the best of my ability. i thank God for those of you who give unselfishly in order to help the 'still suffering'. You are angels and my God is smiling on you. May the worst of your future surpass the best of your past.
I love you.
Kepp praying for my (and if you haven't been praying for me: then please start)

Posted on my poetry site today...

http://deepesthonesty.blogspot.com/


this doesn't mean that I am meloncholy or anything like that,
I just felt like writing

Back in Ohio

Everything's still cool