ENOUGH !

When i am hurting, i must pray.
When i am praying, i must be honest.
When i am able to, i must do step work.
If my mind stars to wander, i must focus on what i am doing right in front of me.
If a question in my step-work causes me to start drifting off down the bunny hole, skip that question and go on to the next one.

if i come under attack 20 times in a day,
i must defend myself as many times in a day

my goal is to get closer to my Higher Power.
Therein lies the true source of my strength and courage.
Therein lies the source of my serenity.

With Him, i can do all things.

On the other side of this experience lies the greatest gift of my life - if i take this postive action.

there is nothing to figure out, there is simply action to take.

when i am hurting i must remember that every act of manipulation, begging and all other manifestations of self-will have merely served to yield and increased level of pain.
i have been adding to my own burden all along.

Just for today...
bring it on disease, i aint afraid of you anymore, i aint afraid of hurt anymore, i ain't running anymore,
i'm too fucking tired and i refuse to keep on co-operating with you.

today we go to battle and the stakes are my life.

FOR THE RECORD JACKIE...

I WANT TO SAY THAT I AM SORRY. BECAUSE I REALIZE THAT I MUST'VE MADE YOU FEEL PRETTY INADEQUATE, UNLOVED AND UNAPPRECIATED. I HAD TO HAVE MADE YOU FEEL THAT WAY BECAUSE I HONESTLY FELT THAT. I BARELY LOVED YOU, DIDN'T APPRECIATE YOU AND FELT AT TIMES THAT YOU WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. IT HAD TO BE A DEVASTATING BLOW TO YOU BECAUSE IT WASN'T THAT WAY IN THE BEGINNING. I WAS ALL THOSE THINGS AT FIRST AND THEN I CHANGED AND YOU CONTINUED TO TRY AND YOU HELD ON. I CRY NOW NOT FOR ME BUT FOR YOU. AND I ALSO RAISE MY HAND IN THANKS AND PRAISE TO GOD FOR ALLOWING YOU TO FIND WITHIN YOURSELF THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO SAY "NO MORE" AND TO SEEK OUT WHAT YOUTRULY DESERVE: HAPPINESS.
JUST FOR TODAY... DREW IS COMING BACK, READY TO SHINE, EVEN BETTER THAN I WAS BEFORE AND SHOULD YOU EVER LOOK AROUND TO SEE HOW I'M DOING, I WON'T BE HARD TO FIND. JUST FOLLOW THE LIGHT...

What is love anyway...

Love is when i'm holding my baby son and he's being clingy (i like that) and then he suddenly wants to get down off daddy's lap and go play. he basically wants nothing to do with daddy so i move out of his way and accept his decision to live and enjoy life. he has that right, as we all do, even my ex. sometimes you have to love a peron enough to accept them as they are and the decisions that they make.

Just for today i celebrate my ex's new found happiness. i thank God for her well-being. I pray that He watches over and protects her. i thnk God for this experience in which it took a God sized boot in my ass to evict the child in me so that the man could begin to grow.

peace

What i really want...

is her back. not in the shitty way that things used to be. but in the way things were when we first met. somewhere i got lost . the confident, strong, happy, loving, charismatic guy that she first met he died and someone else was left taking my place.

i want her back, and the best way to get her back is to get busy finding the old drew.
not only that but get busy finding a way to keep him here once i locate him.

easier said than done? not really the hurt feelings tend to distract me, but not as much as they used to.

i want her back so when i feel like calling i'm going to tell myself that the way to get her back is to leave her alone.
leave her alone, make big money, be who i was, be responsible, be a good friend, be a good father, be a good man.

i want her back and the way to get her is to build up my relationship with God. Strengthen my recovery, be more giving and loving to others.

i want her back and to get her i have to become the old drew again and then some.

big goal? maybe. but well worth the effort. why because i want her back.

and in the process maybe i will "come to" and decide that she's not really what i want after all.or maybe i wll realize that there isnt the slightest chance of me getting her back at all. but the good news in all that is that along the way i will learn to be ok with me, God and life.

yeah i want her back and...
Just for today... I think I'm going to get her. it going to take a lot of work and a lot of time but i'm willing to do all that and more because...

i want her back.

Talking with God...

life's waves have been rocking my boat as this storms been raging. but like all storms eventually pass this one is losing intensity. (thank you God) it is still a big boy but its not paralyzing and as crippling. i have been working on acceptance (of this being in God's hands); powerlessness (thats been more of a lesson in reality); trust and faith (i really have no choice in that matter either since i am truly powerless); surrender(i'm just too tired to keep on fighting) as well as other principles such as honesty, etc.

but today i have been specifically focusing on perspective: i really didnt want to stay committed (for whatever reasons) and just because things didnt end the way i wanted them to - that shouldnt throw my world into a tizzy (but it did, oh well)

so today i look at things like "thank God, i'm not using drugs" or dead or dealing a lot more perious struggles such as with my health or loss of life within my circle of friends and family. Because some people are going through those things today.
in the grand scheme of things this isnt really all that - its big to me, but maybe thats because i choose to allow it to be big.

now i am fighting back: i am choosing to think about positive things and find my gratitude (working on my perspective).

today i am practicing a great deal more humility than i ever have before.

i told God that i really want her back and i asked Him if He could help me...

since i have been praying and meditating so much more intensely i believe that my conscious contact is strong (when i am willing to exercise my free will and listen) well today i listened and He told me that "everybody has free will and i can't make anybody love anybody else"
so i said "but you can raise people's awareness right? why dont you do that for me then?"
He said "I can do that, but a person still has to be willing to recognize the signs and they still always have free will"
then He said "if you want her back then your best bet is to trust Me, take care of you, wotk on improving you, show respect for her decision, no crying, no calling, just keep on walking acting as if you believe that I got this unde control. this isnt a guarantee, but what will happen is that you will be ok. you will either be ok with getting back with her or you will be ok with doing something different, but you will be ok"
i said "can you help me to get closer to you? feel your prescence and a real thing so that i can find comfort in knowing that you have everything under control?"
"He said pay attention to the evidence of my works. Trust me this will turn out ok, I have already given you what you need. You will be better as a reesult of this and with or without her you will be happy"
i said "i believe you, i just wish i could have more proof. i want to know that i know that you are real and really right here and you really have this all under control." "i guess i just need more proof"
then my telephone rang and it was my daughter calling: "proof enough ?"

maybe, i am grateful, but i really still need more go.

Just for today i have no choice but to put my trust in God.

Closure with a capital "K"

Oh shit guess who's done it again...

me thats who.
i listened to my disease brain tell me to turn and drive down past her house.
her car wasn't in the driveway.
wait, its after midnight and she gets up at six.
so i'm thinking that she is getting high - there have been a series of coincidences that led me to this conclusion but i suspected that after today she would expose herself - since she had been broke but now i gave her some money.
so she aint home and on the way back from the store she still wasnt home - so hell yeah she's using.

thats the fantasy - the reality is that my disease had going full blast.
it told me to stake out her house, but first drive by a couple of her friends houses then stalk... i mean stake out her house.
why? because i had to see for myself...

so i waited about a half hour then right when my friend talked me into leaving here she comes driving real slow and kinda crooked...
so i jumped out of the car and got right in her face...
and...
she didnt look at all high ?!?!?!?!
and she was pissed off.
i tried to actually convince her that she was high and i could tell "look at your pupils" "check out your behavior"
but she wasnt biting
she didn't even look slightly buzzed
fuck
i almost kinda in a sick way wish that she was (not really me but my disease does)
because then it would explain everything.
but oh well things could always get worse right?
yeah they can
i had to ask the question
you know the question,
so you been out all this time chasing some dick ?
and she said yes.
i just turned and walked away.
Just for today - maybe i shouldnt have chosen the name that i did. i might've cursed myself, but gthe good news is, that i aint mad, upset or hurt - not at all - just really relieved.

because she is my reservation...
peace.

As night falls...

everything is still cool...

really - i'm not lying.

i've been praying when the butterflies come and its working.

i've been talking to friends and staying positive.

and i met somebody who's spending the night - with me. (uh ooooohhh... i was warned about that, could i be headed for more trouble? i don't think so but then what do i know. hehehehehe) it helps my bruised self-esteem, i don't feel ugly anymore.

i think i like women, maybe i'll have 2 or 3 as friend/companions.

no offense to anybody - its just where i'm at today. besides it helps to ease the other feelings. so...

Just for today i gotta do what i gotta do and they say that i am right where i am supposed to be.