6 Feet From The Edge...

Whew, yesterday's gone - thank God! The day was a mess from the start: I was to be at an event out-of-town at a certain time and (as usual) I was running a few hours late. That has become my M.O. and its really no problem nobody complains and I am getting acceptance. Anyway I picked up my business partner who was in such a spiritual funk that after a few hours of hearing all about it it started wearing on me. I wanted to just say "fuck it, man - do whatever you think you should do and shut the hell up talking to me" but of course I didn't. So I finally arrive at my function and it is so slow (as in financially unrewarding) - I was grateful that I wasn't the one in the funk and also that I was able to meet, fellowship and have fun with some really nice people. Next my partner who has recently been suspected of relapsing takes off to smoke a cigarette and stays gone 30 minutes - which really bothered me because that is very atypical of him especially considering that he just up & left several times. So here I am considering the relapse accusations based on this abnormal behavior. Denial seemed to be a more comfortable alternative. So the day drags on - the conversation between he and I was strained and not-flowing as it usually does and this further drives me into a state of isolation from him (i'll just mind my own business and keep busy). At this point I get aggrivated because I notice that we neglected to pick up some vital supplies and I now have to find a supplier in a strange town across state lines. I get into the solution, get directions and take me "map-lexic" butt out on the road. I drive ten minutes in the right direction get confused turn around and drive 10 minutes in the wrong direction, surrender, pull into a gas station, get directions again and eventually make it to my destination where I promptly purchsed some very over-priced, but needed items. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that it was drizzling pretty heavily and my windshield wipers decided to stop working and i ALMOST HIT another car. I was so close that it really frazzled me. Thank God for cell phones because I needed to call and talk to somebody ASAP! So I am pretty upset now, wondering how in the hell we are going to get home 2 and a half hours away with no wipers in the rain - when suddenly the wipers start woking again - Thank You God ! So I return the the event and my partners still wierd but at this point - who cares, I am committed to having a good time and making whatever money there is to make here. And it turns out to be an ok day. Time to go, packing up our supplies and heading out. No wipers and the rain is coming down harder now. God please. I pull over and jiggle the darn things - they work for a bit and then stop and I pull over again. At this point I am tired, it's been a very long day and I still have a long drive to get back home. I am praying, I am trying to think positive. I try to just drive with no wipers and it is a nightmare. My partner decides that now would be a good time to laugh out loud (which in retrospect I can understand, but at the time it just further annoyed me). So I finally get the wiper in such a position that I can push it with my hand while driving - if that sounds nuts - you shoulda seen me, swerving, cussing and praying with a couple hour drive ahead of me. Well to make a long story somewhat shorter - we made it home, I prayed and the wipers would occassionally miraculously work then they would stop and I would push them again. This pushing effect only half worked and sometimes it didn't work at all, but we kept going. The rain finally slowed down and I eventually developed what I'd like to call "rain/blur vision" where I could kinda see well enough to just calm down and drive. I understand that I play a part in the whole disaster - I knew my partners history of relapse and I also knew that my wipers were going bad and through my own irresponsibility I got what I got. I was so tired last night of praying, I was so tired of fighting my diease which was laughing at me saying where's your God now, I was just so damn tired but I did not succumb. I am very grateful to have made it home safe & sound I really contemplated kissing the muddy sidewalk when i exited my car. I am not confused that even though God may not perform in the way that I choose and hope for - He does perform. Just for today - I better take care of my business and not let procrastination and wishful thinking determine the course of action in my life - like they say "if it ain't practical, it ain't spiritual"
Peace.

Doing What I Do Best...

Well the team and I are on the road again and it's going great! What that means is that we have our mobile store set-up and are selling custom tee shirts and a pretty large county fair. This is a first for us (selling tees outside of the 12-Step market) and so far the transition has been smooth. Actually it's gone from "I hope we do ok", to "man, this kinda sucks, but I know things will pick up", to "c'mon God smile on us, we're doing the next right thing" to "ok it's going to be what its going to be & i'll just be ok with it" to "hell yeah ! I knew we'd do good, I never doubted for an instant". Yeah I'd call that smooth. Moral of the story is: I am so human - I feel a variety of things and life gives me the opportunity to practice a variety of spiritual principles daily. I just keep practicing and I get better.
JUST FOR TODAY: Thank you God for the courage to step out on faith and try something new (it took quite a bit of cash to prepare for this event), the commitment, patience, perseverence and self-discipline to make it happen and hold on tightly with both hands (because an addict like me will get a case of the "fuck-it's" real quick and be ready to pack it up and go home; especially when it's 100 degrees outside), the acceptance to be ok with whatever the outcome is and the honesty and integrity to do what I gotta do, but not by "any means necessary" (we won't compromise our principles to make sales). This road to recovery isn't without its fair share of pot-holes, traffic jams, twists and turns but it is still a road filled with wonderful experiences and great rewards.
Peace.

De Ja Vu...?

Yeah everything is looking very familiar to me. I have definitely been here before. I have a major event coming up and I am falling behind. Organization is not my strong point, but the temptation to start blaming those around me can be. I am fairly decent at organizing, but the bigger the project the greater the pressure that I put on myself. Maybe its fear of failure, inadequacy, letting others down - or maybe it's all or none of the above. Whatever it is, I have to concentrate extra hard and keep putting one foot in front of the other. The 'forces of evil' seem to be at work telling me to procrastinate, or look at what other people on the team are NOT doing. But I am hip to that game - that's all counter-productive. I can do this. We can do this. Whether it's a big business deal, being faithful in my marraige, raising my kids or staying clean on a daily basis. The truth of the matter is: there are going to be some challenges, some will be very difficult and I am allowed to bend, I just will not break. I have too many resources and too much power on my side. The love of a worldwide fellowship, friends, family, God and all that I have learned and become in my recovery process. Just for today: sometimes I have to be my own Coach, Cheerleader and Therapist, because I am a member of the "Whatever It Takes" club. I will do whatever it takes to stay clean, stay on the path & keep growing in my recovery.
Peace