Sunday, April 13, 2008

checking in

5 months A.B. - (after break-up & break-down); i have found a sense of peace and acceptance. Life is not so bad. I can't say that i don't have mild wishes or thoughs of "what if", "if only" and "just one more time" but its not intense at all. In fact I am more interested in finding more peace, a better life for me & the kids and seeking a stronger bond with the God of my understanding.
Just for today life is a trip. You can be sitting on top of the world one minute and then find yourself right smack in the middle of a shit storm the next - but i know that i know that i know that i know one thing - we ain't never ever ever gotta use again. We can get by with a little help from our friends.
Thanks to all my friends.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


this is the story of a father and his son.
one day they took a stroll around the block. the son decided to run ahead of the father as he was enjoying himself so much.
the father watched lovingly, protectively and with much pride observing the beauty of his son.
the son splashed in the mud and the snow making a mess and having a ball.
the father occassionally offered his hand to the son, but the son declined; he could handle things he decided.
the son slipped on ice a time or two and the father was always there to help him up and comfort and encourage his son. when the son ran fast the father kept up always right there out of view but always within reach.
as the son enjoyed himself so much the father was equally pleased.

the point is that this happened to me today literally as i took a walk with my two sons. during our walk i felt that my Father also watches over me and is always within reach and even though i don't always take His hand it is always available to me without fail. and just as my own sons are limited in their awareness (sometimes seeing only what they want, versus whats practical or dangerous to them) i too am limited whereas my Father is not.

the more i find myself enjoying the company of my children i am growing in my understanding of how much my Father loves me.

Just for today - i am so fortunate to have God in my life, and all the things, people and experiences that enhance my relationship with Him. My gratitude speaks when i share my love and experience with another human being (sometimes when i just share it with myself)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

for once in my life...

man oh man this shit ain't never easy.
it ain't exactly hard but there are times when i just have to cry.
i am grieving the loss of something precious to me.
i am excited about the direction my life is going in.
i am a little anxious about all the changes that are taking place so rapidly in my little world.
i am extremely grateful about having my kids, my relationship with God and my support network in such abundance.
so i do cry at times - for different reasons.
i am feeling on a whole different level.
i find myself going with the flow moreso lately - less fight and less self-will.
i surrender and accept more.
and this is cool.
i want to do things at times that aren't good for me but i sit still and do nothing which is awesome.
step seven is taking on a new meaning in my life: finally i am becoming more and more aware of that which i have been searching for all my life: someone or something which truly loves me, validates me, completes me, forgives me, understands me, supports me and has my best interests at heart - even when i don't know what's best for me.
a father figure; i never had one of those things.
but i am coming to believe that the God of my understanding is all that and even more.
funny how you can know something - and then you can KNOW something.
Just for today i am grateful for the experiences that have transformed my understandings from that of an intellectual basis into something more spiritual and life changing.
finally i think i am understanding that things really are working out in my favor.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

mixed emotions

man today i had the strongest feels of sadness that i have had in a while, i felt like calling and begging my ex to give me another chance so bad that it was killing me.
but i know better than to do that one.
i knew that the feeling would pass and it did - thank God.

i aint trying to beg nobody to be with me - not today.
especially somebady that doesn't want me.
damn that sounds so common sense but when my thinking goes nutty it really goes nutty - cuz for a moment i forget that this is my reality.
so i prayed, talked about my feelings and stayed in reality until the feelings passed.

then i got the kids and things started definitely looking up.
then i went to the meeting and all the girls were on me (the cute ones anyway) i know that they are all just forms of medication for me right now but damn it felt good to be the hot boy once again.
i aint never the ugly guy, and i got me some fresh new clothes (my old stuff doesn't fit anymore, after shedding so much weight and i am still 20 pounds lighter than i was in december) but it's my spirit.
it's not so dark and depressed anymore and that light that shined in me before is rekindled and it's very attractive.
that confidence that i used to have is back.
basically Drew is back, but this time better than ever.
and much wiser.
more humble and a whole lot of other things that give me the hope that if & when God sees fit to let me have another chance at the love game - that i will be capable of maintaining it, cherishing it abnd holding on to it.

so my day consisted of highs and lows and its ok.
Just for today i have learned to hold on stay on the path and trust that "this too shall pass"
and never ever forget that "God is good"
if you didn't know, you do now.

trust and faith...

i know that there are times when my trust in my Higher Power wavers; mostly when i am hurting, fearful and when what i want isn't in alignment with His will.
there are times when i am all twisted up on the inside, not sure that He is really going to work this all out for me.
what i mean is that i am kinda lonely at times (it helps so much when my kids are with me) yeah i have my friends and that helps too, but i still have difficulties not having a "special somebody" in my life.
i am adjusting pretty well, but there are still those times...
insanity whispers in my ear urging me to call or go find somebody, anybody to ease the pain/fear. but i am standing strong.
i haven't had sex in a while and surprisingly that isn't the hard part at all.
i miss being in love.
i know that this too shall pass.
i know that as i continue to reach for God and allow His love to fill me up that i will get better and better,
but my disease or my thinking wants results today, if not yesterday.
but oh well
even though this is uncomfortable - it isn't agony.
so i guess i will survive it.
i know that if i act out then i run the risk of creating agony in my own life and possibly others.
so i stand here
afraid that maybe God in His divine wisdom won't see fit to give me what i want.
afraid of not knowing what lies ahead and how i will navigate the upcoming twists and turns in my life's roads.
God is good, my life is good, it's ok to voice my feelings, fears and concerns. So far as i continue on this path, everything is working out beautifully - maybe not the way i want it but in a fantastic way none-the-less.

Saturday, March 8, 2008


as the tears roll down my cheeks and hit my keyboard a message suddenly reveals itself as the drops hit the keys in a certain pattern that forms the words that express what my mouth never could:
if you could feel the emotion in these tears you would know devastating pain and hurt, disappointment, rejection, betrayal, and hopelessness and yet as you continue to feel your way along their path you would discover much joy, and happiness, serenity, optimism, trust faith and courage, forgiveness and understanding, you would find great humility and gratitude, you would feel so much gratitude that it is confusing. so much gratitude and feelings of unworthiness to be receiving all that i have been getting. so many feelings of being unsure if i am able to live up to the responsibility of having been given so much and wanting to give my very all in return.
i have cried many tears and still i weep, but today it is not of pain that the drops roll down my cheeks - it is from the absolute appreciation that i have toward my Higher Power who has brought me to it and then through it and has in effect begun the process of re-creating me. i see with eyes that were once blinded, and my hearing has been adjusted with the spirit of open-mindedness, my heart has been touched and operated on with a spiritual surgery that is allowing me to experience life in a way which is more rich than ever before,
Just for today i have all that i need, at best i am only human and i suffer from a disease from which there is no known cure, but i am dedicated to doing my best to stay on this path and i am ready to shed many more tears if thats what i need to do.
feel free to cry with me sometime.

what is this...?

that comforts me when i am uneasy.
that relieves me when i am in pain.
that gives me courage when i afraid.
reassures me when i am unsure,
encourages me when i am in doubt,

that loves me in a way that never fails
has no conditions, strings attached or hidden agendas,
loves me in a way that is forgiving, understanding, accepting and patient.
loves me in a way that completes me and takes nothing away.

what is it?

where does the strength come from that keeps me moving forward when i want to lie down and give up?
how am i able to love myself and take care of myself suddenly when all my life that had only been an impossible dream ?
why am i so filled up when my emptiness had here-to-fore defined me?

why is this experience so good?
what have i done to deserve so much?
how can something be so generous... to someone like me?

how can i ever repay this?
what can i do beyond giving my entire life, only a down payment?

why is it that i am so overwhelmed even though i am only beginning to know the answer to these questions?

it's no mystery that i am hungry for more and more of "this".
that i will do all that i imperfectly can to fill my cup up until it runneth over with more of "this".

why do i feel as though i have found what i have searched my entire life for?

only a small taste of "this" has me hooked and i can't get enough.

i want more.
i want it all.
i want it now.

i pray and accept that all things come in His time.

i am so grateful.
i am so happy.
i am so very fortunate, to have found this path or rather that the path has found me.

just for today, i wish everyone love, peace and a greater understanding of "this" awesome love that i have found in a Higher Power that i choose to call God.