Thanks Asshole

Today I have a great deal of appreciation for those members of the fellowship and society at large whom I choose to categorize as assholes. I'm not saying that I like assholes or am an asshole myself (most of the time, to my knowledge). I'm just saying that when I see someone 'asshole-ing out' instead of instantly getting angry, disappointed or judgmental- i try to think positive and say "Whew I sure am glad that's not me". Which gets me in touch with my own personal growth & assets. But it also serves as an opportunity to learn and grow because it shows me what I don't want to do or be like. So hey to all you fuckin' assholes, thanks a bunch for showing me the the way to a better life.
Just for today: This is the mother of all mind games and the stakes are high - my life & serenity are on the line. I have a choice on how I choose to perceive things & I choose the path that leads to enlightenment, growth & serenity. Peace.

Can You Hear Me Now...?

Ever had the feeling that maybe the disease you're suffering from is simply retardation? If you have, then you are not alone. Today was one of those days for me. Out of the blue I just found myself suddenly realizing that the reason I stay so stressed out over my kids is because I HAVE TO watch after them, which means that I can't be doing some other thing that I WANT to be doing. ANd this (believe it or not) has been going on for about 18 months now. No shit - I finally figured that one out. I had been trying and trying to squeeze in my WANTS when it was time to take care of my NEEDS. Poor prioritizing of my time contributed to the situation but mostly it was a simple case of "Hey I want to do this & I want to do this right now" I even go as far as convincing myself that this thing that I WANT to do is a MUST. If that ain't insane then I don't know what is. Simple enough that even a blind man could see it right? Yep, but not me. Makes me feel kinda scared. I start wondering just deep does my stupidity, denial, retardation... insanity run? But... JUST FOR TODAY- it's ok. I am grateful that 10 more years didn't pass before I became aware. I am grateful that everytime I become aware (no matter how personally embarrassing I may feel that it is) it is a victory and an opportunity to grow a little bit more. ANd I am definitely grateful that no matter what I am feeling - it's never a good idea to go and get loaded over it.
Peace

On Hating My Sponsor

Dude ! My sponsor pissed me off so bad yesterday that I almost fired his ass. We had an appointment to do step-work but we didn't have the exact time locked in so I called him early & left a message. After a few hours I called him again and he answered and told me that he'd call me back later. It turns out that he was off work & that kinda bothered me because I couldn't understand why he didn't return my call; but oh well he can be jerky sometimes, so I wrote it off. He never called back until midway through the next day & by this time I was already on the warpath after all - doesn't this guy know who I am ? Rewind the tape I have "fired this guy twice already for hurting my feelings in the past. So I had made my mind up to let him go - so what he's got 15 years of recovery under his belt. I have good buddy's in my network of recovering people who have that much time & more (who'd be happy to sponsor me). Well my sponsor happened to be speaking in my town tonight & I decided that after he spoke, I was going to respectfully advise him that I was going to move on (I know that sponsor's aren't really fired I was just pissed). So i went to hear him speak and by the time he was done - I remembered exactly why i asked this guy to sponsor me - he was awesome, his message was strong, clear, funny & informative. He is truly a vessel by which the pure message of hope is carried. I love that guy, I just can't stand some of his ways. I guess I better get some acceptance & be patient with him the same way that he has been with me. Just for today, I will continue to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel but i will not forget that i always have a choice on how I react & respond to my feelings. Thank God for the recovery process. Peace.

I got sunshine...

There's a song that goes: I GOT SUNSHINE ON A CLOUDY DAY, WHEN ITS COLD OUTSIDE I GOT THE MONTH OF MAY. Well I ain't quite that chipper, but I am very grateful for God and this program today despite the struggles in my life. Lately I haven't been so caught up in the negativity and anger brought on by having to raise my boys (20 months and 6 years) while my wife's at work. Whew ! Lately I haven't been so grumpy about having to clean house behind a bunch of adults and kids who apparently couldn't care less. Amazingly I haven't completely lost my mind behind this car I purchased for several thousand dollars which has turned out to be a complete lemon (needs an engine and a host of other stuff) I haven't even killed my wife behind our recent arrival into the land of absolute brokeness (notice how i kinda blame here for it) I just have not found it necessary to use drugs over this shit or cuss anybody out either. Miracle ? Hell yeah it is. There's something about staying on the path and keeping the faith. In a lot of ways I have been changing (no longer interested in sleeping with bunches of hot chicks, or stealing or lying, etc) but this one is the hum-dinger ! I have been praying about my lack of acceptance and my temper and wella - i found relief. Seemingly effortless relief from acting like a total maniac (while my disease told me that I'd be well justified in doing so "this time"). Well JUST FOR TODAY: disease you can kiss my ass, Thank you God and the 12 Steps and the members who keep loving me and showing me the way. If you think that you can't get better in a certain area of your life - you are sadly mistaken. We do recover. Peace

Growing up ?

I have been involoved with "the program" for 3 & a half years (i relapsed and came back 2 years ago) but since i have been 'semi-sane' i haven't found it necessary to get a job. I'm not a teenager living with his folks or an adult moocher or anything - i have actually started my own business and have been making ends meet. But lately my wife has gotten a nice promotion on her job and my 'competitive nature' is kicking in telling me that although i'm happy for her, i want to get a promotion too, not to mention the extra money that we could have if i were employed full-time along with running my business part-time. So now i have decided that i am going to apply for a job at the local cable company. Even though i have been out of the work force for a few years i believe that the spiritual principles that i have been practicing so far have prepared me for this reintroduction to blue collar america. I'll admit that i have been secret laughing at people as they talk about how much they hate their jobs. I was resigned to never punch another clock again in my life. That's still my goal - i have just come to realize that maybe by working and saving it will help me to reach that point of financial security quicker. I just want to buy a handful of rental properties maybe "flip" some properties like i see people doing on TV. Maybe i am just a foolish dreamer - but Just for Today - i can pursue my goals full throttle and have faith that just about anything is possible as long as I stay clean and on this path (along with a solid plan and commitment).