6 Feet From The Edge...

Whew, yesterday's gone - thank God! The day was a mess from the start: I was to be at an event out-of-town at a certain time and (as usual) I was running a few hours late. That has become my M.O. and its really no problem nobody complains and I am getting acceptance. Anyway I picked up my business partner who was in such a spiritual funk that after a few hours of hearing all about it it started wearing on me. I wanted to just say "fuck it, man - do whatever you think you should do and shut the hell up talking to me" but of course I didn't. So I finally arrive at my function and it is so slow (as in financially unrewarding) - I was grateful that I wasn't the one in the funk and also that I was able to meet, fellowship and have fun with some really nice people. Next my partner who has recently been suspected of relapsing takes off to smoke a cigarette and stays gone 30 minutes - which really bothered me because that is very atypical of him especially considering that he just up & left several times. So here I am considering the relapse accusations based on this abnormal behavior. Denial seemed to be a more comfortable alternative. So the day drags on - the conversation between he and I was strained and not-flowing as it usually does and this further drives me into a state of isolation from him (i'll just mind my own business and keep busy). At this point I get aggrivated because I notice that we neglected to pick up some vital supplies and I now have to find a supplier in a strange town across state lines. I get into the solution, get directions and take me "map-lexic" butt out on the road. I drive ten minutes in the right direction get confused turn around and drive 10 minutes in the wrong direction, surrender, pull into a gas station, get directions again and eventually make it to my destination where I promptly purchsed some very over-priced, but needed items. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that it was drizzling pretty heavily and my windshield wipers decided to stop working and i ALMOST HIT another car. I was so close that it really frazzled me. Thank God for cell phones because I needed to call and talk to somebody ASAP! So I am pretty upset now, wondering how in the hell we are going to get home 2 and a half hours away with no wipers in the rain - when suddenly the wipers start woking again - Thank You God ! So I return the the event and my partners still wierd but at this point - who cares, I am committed to having a good time and making whatever money there is to make here. And it turns out to be an ok day. Time to go, packing up our supplies and heading out. No wipers and the rain is coming down harder now. God please. I pull over and jiggle the darn things - they work for a bit and then stop and I pull over again. At this point I am tired, it's been a very long day and I still have a long drive to get back home. I am praying, I am trying to think positive. I try to just drive with no wipers and it is a nightmare. My partner decides that now would be a good time to laugh out loud (which in retrospect I can understand, but at the time it just further annoyed me). So I finally get the wiper in such a position that I can push it with my hand while driving - if that sounds nuts - you shoulda seen me, swerving, cussing and praying with a couple hour drive ahead of me. Well to make a long story somewhat shorter - we made it home, I prayed and the wipers would occassionally miraculously work then they would stop and I would push them again. This pushing effect only half worked and sometimes it didn't work at all, but we kept going. The rain finally slowed down and I eventually developed what I'd like to call "rain/blur vision" where I could kinda see well enough to just calm down and drive. I understand that I play a part in the whole disaster - I knew my partners history of relapse and I also knew that my wipers were going bad and through my own irresponsibility I got what I got. I was so tired last night of praying, I was so tired of fighting my diease which was laughing at me saying where's your God now, I was just so damn tired but I did not succumb. I am very grateful to have made it home safe & sound I really contemplated kissing the muddy sidewalk when i exited my car. I am not confused that even though God may not perform in the way that I choose and hope for - He does perform. Just for today - I better take care of my business and not let procrastination and wishful thinking determine the course of action in my life - like they say "if it ain't practical, it ain't spiritual"
Peace.

Doing What I Do Best...

Well the team and I are on the road again and it's going great! What that means is that we have our mobile store set-up and are selling custom tee shirts and a pretty large county fair. This is a first for us (selling tees outside of the 12-Step market) and so far the transition has been smooth. Actually it's gone from "I hope we do ok", to "man, this kinda sucks, but I know things will pick up", to "c'mon God smile on us, we're doing the next right thing" to "ok it's going to be what its going to be & i'll just be ok with it" to "hell yeah ! I knew we'd do good, I never doubted for an instant". Yeah I'd call that smooth. Moral of the story is: I am so human - I feel a variety of things and life gives me the opportunity to practice a variety of spiritual principles daily. I just keep practicing and I get better.
JUST FOR TODAY: Thank you God for the courage to step out on faith and try something new (it took quite a bit of cash to prepare for this event), the commitment, patience, perseverence and self-discipline to make it happen and hold on tightly with both hands (because an addict like me will get a case of the "fuck-it's" real quick and be ready to pack it up and go home; especially when it's 100 degrees outside), the acceptance to be ok with whatever the outcome is and the honesty and integrity to do what I gotta do, but not by "any means necessary" (we won't compromise our principles to make sales). This road to recovery isn't without its fair share of pot-holes, traffic jams, twists and turns but it is still a road filled with wonderful experiences and great rewards.
Peace.

I Would Like To Thank...

God first for this new life, free from the hell which is active addiction/alcoholism. For better or for worse this is the best life that I have ever lived, thanks. Next I'd like to thank "ME" for doing the footwork, holding on, keeping the faith and seeking out help when I needed it. Also for remembering that there is a power greater than me that will put the "smack-down" on my diseased thinking and for remembering to call on it. I also want to thank the people in my life who keep me moving in the right direction, those who acknowledge my correct thinking and those who point out my insane thoughts and actions. I believe that you people are God's voice directing me on the path that He would have me travel. From my wife to my sponsor to those who read and comment on my blog posts to all those who share their experience, strength and hope in the meetings I attend. Thank you, thank you and especially thank you.
Today I got some really good news: My blood pressure has dropped well into the normal range, I also lost 9 pounds since I last visited my doctor. Excercise; even a minimal amount consistently, can be a good thing!
But of course life wouldn't be life if there wasn't some occasional "DRAMA" going on and here is mine: My business is closing. Not because I'm not making money, or because my products aren't the bomb. It's closing because it is stressing me out of my mind. Too much work for me. I have support people but it just isn't enough. FOr almost 2 years I have made something out of nothing. Created a good name for myself. Little old me an addict with less than 3 years clean and a face and or products that are recognized in many places from coast to coast - thats a long way to travel for the young man who walked into a treatment center with all his worldly possessions in 2 trash bags a few years ago. God is good. I believe that it is time to rededicate myself to MY recovery & family - my business was like a vampire stealing away my attention, time, and serenity. I don't feel like I am a failure, my disease wants me to believe that. I believe that I am doing God's will in that this is what's best for me and my family. I don't know where this road is going to lead me, I do trust that things will be ok, because in my experience God's will always yield's better results than mine. So I have to say good-bye social status, good-bye fame and potential fortune, for now anyway and hello wife and kids.
Just For Today: I can't put a price-tag on the power of having a "new perspective on my life" it can mean the difference between being in acceptance of life and being miserable in life. I know understand that that same old half-empty glass was really always half-full.
Peace.

De Ja Vu...?

Yeah everything is looking very familiar to me. I have definitely been here before. I have a major event coming up and I am falling behind. Organization is not my strong point, but the temptation to start blaming those around me can be. I am fairly decent at organizing, but the bigger the project the greater the pressure that I put on myself. Maybe its fear of failure, inadequacy, letting others down - or maybe it's all or none of the above. Whatever it is, I have to concentrate extra hard and keep putting one foot in front of the other. The 'forces of evil' seem to be at work telling me to procrastinate, or look at what other people on the team are NOT doing. But I am hip to that game - that's all counter-productive. I can do this. We can do this. Whether it's a big business deal, being faithful in my marraige, raising my kids or staying clean on a daily basis. The truth of the matter is: there are going to be some challenges, some will be very difficult and I am allowed to bend, I just will not break. I have too many resources and too much power on my side. The love of a worldwide fellowship, friends, family, God and all that I have learned and become in my recovery process. Just for today: sometimes I have to be my own Coach, Cheerleader and Therapist, because I am a member of the "Whatever It Takes" club. I will do whatever it takes to stay clean, stay on the path & keep growing in my recovery.
Peace

Gratitude...

There's nothing really going on in my life today, and I sometimes have the tendency to not write when there's no drama. For some reason I think drama makes for more interesting reading. But in this new pathway of life that I travel, I understand the importance of recognizing and appreciating the serenity and peace of 'just another day'. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude today for the absence of chaos, good health, a bright outlook on my future and another day clean. I think I had a spiritual experience today driving through town listening to my stereo, there was an 'oldie'(from way back in the 90's) playing and it just 'took me there'. I was singing out loud and smiling and flooded with great emotions and memories of a time gone by. It was awesome. When the song went off, I thanked God for all the beauty in my life today especially the ability to feel again. Just for today; I know that everything I feel won't be joyous, but I am so very grateful for those feelings that are. What an unbelievably good day to be clean.
Peace.

Nothing to Fear, but fear itself...

Well I finally called and spoke to the committee in charge of the event that I didn't attend last weekend. I had been putting it off for a few days - kinda hoping that it'd go away, but oh well my program won't let me just ignore my responsibilities no matter how unpleasant they may "seem" to be. I say 'seem' because in this case, the whole scenario played out in a very cool way. Nobody was angry with me, just concerned. The conversation was encouraging and long story short - I'll still be doing business with them in the future. Go figure. I guess there's no limit to what God can do, when knuckleheads like me get out of the way. All along I had been plagued by fear. Fear that they'd cuss me out, blackball me & slander my name. I was even fearful that if they saw me in their town I might get beat up. Yeah my "irrational imagination"/diseased thinking works overtime & holidays. Anyway as ridiculous as that may sound to you - it sounded reasonable to me in my head. Thank God for sponsorship and supportive people in my life who came to the rescue and reminded me to "stop trippin' and call those people". Thank God for the honesty (to tell on myself), open-mindedness(to consider the suggestions) and the willingness (to go ahead and call despite my fear). So now in retrospect I guess the old saying has merit: Just for today as long as I follow this way, I have nothing to fear (except fear itself).
Peace.

Masterbation? Yuck!

Is masterbation a form of 'self-love'? Is it some nasty thing that only perverts do? Is it just another normal, natural thing that normal people do? Good question. The answer is... whatever you think it is. We create our own realities sometimes, and that reality can be ugly if its based on misinformation. Why am I even talking about this? because me & a friend were discussing it and it was revealed that I think masterbation is disgusting (unless it's a women on an adult movie) and that if I do it then I am disgusting and sneaky and nasty and perverted. Well needless to say I have done it and I have felt all those self-esteem assassinating feelings. So my friend and I were discussing how I came to view masterbating as such a bad thing. Something from my childhood - go figure. I'm a grown man operating on a child's information - sound familiar to anyone? Nah not this crowd, I'm sure. But anyway I just decided to take a leap of faith and share this in hopes that maybe I can get some relief. Because I don't want to continue feeling like a sicko if I decide to "periodically" indulge. Maybe somebody will have the courage to share something profound (which usually turns out to be profoundly simple) with me. Maybe people will be too afraid to touch this topic. Maybe people feel the same way I do. Just for today - I'm not in denial anymore - I have done it, and I know I'm not a sicko...
I'll just be glad when my mind believes that too. Whew ! feels like I just did a "mini-fourth step". JUST FOR TODAY: somebody had the courage to say some 'out there' things when I first got here & it helped me get freedom from that feeling of terminal uniqueness. Maybe it's my time to give back. And remember those that judge, don't matter & those that matter, don't judge.

You Don't Even Want To Know...

Feels like "all hell has broken loose" in my life. Here are my reasons why I feel like that:
1. Broke a business committment; No Call, No Show.
2. Lied about it to the other party.
3. Procrastinated (among other things) and caused delays in other responsibilities.
4. Been moving slow on my step work, after changing sponsors because my old sponsor kept me waiting to work steps*.
5. Been selling myself short in business deals - contributing to financial stress.
6. Been basically putting things (like life) off until tomorrow, knowing that I should be living for today, in today.
No I didn't go to jail or cheat on my wife or rob a bank but based on the way I "feel" about things lately, I might as well have. This whole "having a conscience" thing can really suck at time. I "feel" so like shit. I am truly disappointed in myself. I know that I am capable of doing better. These are facts about the way I feel. But everything I "feel" isn't based on facts. For example I "feel" like the lowest piece of shit on earth. Still a good-for-nothing, lying, lazy disappoinment of a man. I said "Still" because those are feeling that I had when I arrived at the 12 step program. My disease tells me to give it up, I'll never be normal or a worthwhile human being - fuck it, I'm a failure. A pretender. A dumbass. But I do have to thank God (quickly) for my 12 Step program, meetings, sponsorship & a network of people who remind me that:
1. We all fall short.
2. At best, we only human.
3. I am growing and have come a looooooooooooooooong way.
4. Get out of the problem and into the solution - which is: do better next time.
5. I am worthwhile, God loves me, you guys love me & to be honest: I love me.
6. I have so much to be grateful for if I just remember to look for it.
Yes sir this has been a hell-of-a week; which all came to a head today, but when I look at things with my NEW perspective I see that it wasn't so very bad after all. I didn't go use, so that means that I'll have another chance to get it right tomorrow. So in the midst of the storm, I thank God for the re-programming that I am receiving (some call it an awakening of the spirit) which prompts me to seek out a power greater than me which can restore me to sanity. Thanks God for the help that is available & the willingness to ask for it.
Peace

Point Taken & Thanks

Ok so I have been having my fair share or stresses lately and I've been sharing with people like my sponsor, friends and even my sponsees from time to time. Well one of my sponsees posted an awesome blog the other day; which I happened to read. It was about people in the meetings acting like life is so fucking wonderful when you know that they're struggling. He pointed out how some people NEVER put topics on the floor asking for help, but they are always ready to help someone else. He also shared that he was grateful that he isn't afraid to ask for help if he needs it. Well after reading that I started thinking about me, asking myself do I fall into that category and i had to be honest and reluctantly answer: kinda. I do share with bunches of people but i havent shared with the group in a while. So tonight I dropped it like it was hot - I put my topic on the floor and guess what: I got some hell-i-fied feedback. It was a great feeling to have the group caring about me & my shit and I got a lot of relief just getting it off my chest once again. After the meeting I was sharing with my wife (who just happens to be my sponsees sister) about her brother's blog and how it helped me and she told me that he wrote it about me. I 'bout died, it's really funny how God works, because what a coincidence that I just happened to read that particular blog of his (I'm not a regular reader) and even though I didn't go to the meeting with the intention of sharing, it just happened to get really quiet for a long time and I just said "fuck it, I might as well share". Just for today I don't put a whole lot of stock in coincidences, I believe that God works miracles and that sponsorship is definitely a two-way street. Hopefully I will keep doing the things that I suggest to my sponsees and that I will stay open-minded to receive God's messages regardless of the messenger.
Peace.

We Are The Champions...

"Ok life, is that the best you got ?" Life on life's terms has thrown everything but the kitchen sink at me in recent months and even though I stumbled I wouldn't fall. "Yeah baby, I'm still standing !" I didn't check into a Psych Ward, I didn't cuss anybody out, break anything or get high ! I have had to deal with relationship stress, financial stress, the stress of raising very young children, trouble running my business, changing sponsors and various other minor set-backs and disappointments (I once feared that my new truck was going to be repo'd). Whew I get tired just thinking about all that stress.
But there's something about the reprogramming that I have received as a result of regular meeting attendance and stepwork. Through the storm I knew to call people and share my pain & fears. I kept an open-mind to suggestions and had the willingness to try something different. I practiced a ton of faith and trust believing that as long as I stayed the course things would eventually get better.
So far there haven't been any big changes, most of the issues are still there but a new me is emerging from amidst the chaos. A grateful me. A me that realized that I have been under attack, and they brought out the heavy artillery too. But Just for Today - I'm still standing. In my eyes thats one of the things that makes a winner. Now how much money you got but your ability to withstand the storm and stay the course. "Getting high, running away and acting out is always an option, it's just not the option that I choose" that's what I tell myself, just for today anyway.
peace

Thanks Asshole

Today I have a great deal of appreciation for those members of the fellowship and society at large whom I choose to categorize as assholes. I'm not saying that I like assholes or am an asshole myself (most of the time, to my knowledge). I'm just saying that when I see someone 'asshole-ing out' instead of instantly getting angry, disappointed or judgmental- i try to think positive and say "Whew I sure am glad that's not me". Which gets me in touch with my own personal growth & assets. But it also serves as an opportunity to learn and grow because it shows me what I don't want to do or be like. So hey to all you fuckin' assholes, thanks a bunch for showing me the the way to a better life.
Just for today: This is the mother of all mind games and the stakes are high - my life & serenity are on the line. I have a choice on how I choose to perceive things & I choose the path that leads to enlightenment, growth & serenity. Peace.

Can You Hear Me Now...?

Ever had the feeling that maybe the disease you're suffering from is simply retardation? If you have, then you are not alone. Today was one of those days for me. Out of the blue I just found myself suddenly realizing that the reason I stay so stressed out over my kids is because I HAVE TO watch after them, which means that I can't be doing some other thing that I WANT to be doing. ANd this (believe it or not) has been going on for about 18 months now. No shit - I finally figured that one out. I had been trying and trying to squeeze in my WANTS when it was time to take care of my NEEDS. Poor prioritizing of my time contributed to the situation but mostly it was a simple case of "Hey I want to do this & I want to do this right now" I even go as far as convincing myself that this thing that I WANT to do is a MUST. If that ain't insane then I don't know what is. Simple enough that even a blind man could see it right? Yep, but not me. Makes me feel kinda scared. I start wondering just deep does my stupidity, denial, retardation... insanity run? But... JUST FOR TODAY- it's ok. I am grateful that 10 more years didn't pass before I became aware. I am grateful that everytime I become aware (no matter how personally embarrassing I may feel that it is) it is a victory and an opportunity to grow a little bit more. ANd I am definitely grateful that no matter what I am feeling - it's never a good idea to go and get loaded over it.
Peace

Go Ahead, Cast That Stone...

This process is of mine can be good, bad & ugly. It can be happy, sad & everything in between. But one thing that it tends NOT to be is DULL. Recently a friend was caught up in a situation where some of his "jokes" crossed the line into mild flirtation. The other person involved was one of his friends who has a boyfirend who is also his friend. Somehow the boyfriend found text messages that made him very angry & uncomfortable. The boyfriend shared his feelings with other members who promptly starting the judging process. My friend shared it with me & I understood what he was feeling & how it could've happened. It ain't that hard to see: She's a nice looking girl & too much playing on both parts and PRESTO ! somebody crossed the line. I just want to sound of on all the JUDGES in this scenarion: one guy who has shared with me about his own indescretions (not just flirting, but sleeping around) another guy who was notorious for sleeping around, and the rest: a bunch of recovering people who are far from perfect in their own behaviors. I guess I understand though, and I have to hug them when I see them & pray for them. I also think I'll take a moment to thank God, because just for today, I'm not the self-righteous, judgemental asshole. I understand that even with my best efforts I am inclined to slip & fall down. I am so completely aware that I try my best to just avoid certain situations (like getting too close to certain females, gambling, etc.) I understand that my disease drives a car with no brakes & once I start acting out on certain behaviours that feel good to me, there ain't no stopping. I am also grateful that although this process of mine is a lot of things, it's hardly ever boring.
Peace.

Powerfully powerless...

I started this new job recently at the local detox center. My first formal job in about 4 years. Needless to say that there was adjusting to be done, but it wasn't nearly as bad as my "fears" told me it would be. I mean I actually wrestled with thoughts like: I won't be good enough, it'll be too hard, I'm too old to learn new tricks, they won't like me, I don't have anything to wear, etc. My mind has the ability to rationalize all sorts of non-sense in an apparent effort to sabotage my efforts towards growth - this is just an example of the type of anti-recovery monster that I have to deal with on a regular basis.
At any rate - I showed up and things went well. They like me & I love the job. I especially enjoy the 'helping others' part. Since people are only there for a short period of time, I try to share concentrated hope with them, taking care not to overwhelm or make this recovery process seem too complicated. It's not easy, it's a lot more involved than just saying "Keep coming back". But it feels great when I see a glimmer of hope in someones eyes after sharing with them. I feel that I am in a position to carry the message - that I have some type of power to plant the seeds that CAN affect a change in somebody's life. That feels awesome & I thank God for the opportunity to be a vessel for carrying the message. But... for real, some peole aren't done yet, some people are full of shit and some people leave and go get high again. I am once again reminded of my own powerlessness & that each individual has to make their own choice. I want to build a wall between me & "them" so that I don't get hurt. But that's the way it is not just at work but at any meeting and in life in general.
Just for today I choose to believe that although I don't have to power to carry an addict, I have been charged to carry the message. It brings me joy knowing that I am doing what my Higher Power would want me to do - now what happens after that, who chooses to hear the message and act on it, all that is out of my hands. God knows what he is doing. I am extremely grateful that I am clean today and that I know I am a miracle.

Got it all figured out today...

Yep that's right ! I got this whole addiction thing figured out. This ain't no off the cuff hypothesis or divine revelation type of deal. This is the result of reading, discussing, working steps, praying & basically living the program that has brought me to this understanding. And this may sound like a bunch of crap to you or it may sound so simple that 'even a cave-man' should've figured it out by now, but it's my truth - just for today. SO what is it? Simply this: My addictive nature manifests itself in my life in a variety of subtle & obvious ways. But it all can be summed up in two little sentences...
1. If I don't get my way - I ain't happy.
2. If everything and everybody just did as I thought that they should - the world would be a better place.
That's it. My job is to combat these "instincts" and do things differently until my thinking eventually changes - which in a lot of cases it has. But it is a real smack in the face when I catch myself acting out in one of those two ways. It's embarrasing and the whole nine yards. But just for today - I need to know my enemy if I am to do battle with him. And I had better come prepared to fight. I choose to arm myself with a Higher Powered 12 step arsenal. I believe that as long as I follow this way - I have nothing to fear.
peace.

Fun In Recovery

Yesterday me & a few of my buddies went to an all day "Recovery SpeakerJam" in a neighboring town a few miles down the highway. It was really nice. We hung out and fellowshipped with lots of people. Actually I didn't go there to hang out - I was there to help raise funds for the area by selling Recovery Tee Shirts by (DaytonCustomTees.com). We sold lots of shirts and made a lot of people happy. Not to mention that we made a few dollars for the old pocket too. The day was a complete success whatever negativity came our way was quickly vanquished by our positive spirits and application of spiritual principles. Now that I think about it, I've had a great weekend: went to see LIVE FREE or DIE HARD on friday, and went to the NEWPORT AQUARIUM in KENTUCKY today. No wonder I'm tired. Oh well God is good and so is the program and Just For Today; even tho' I didn't have much drama to share, I am sharing my gratitude - cuz in recovery, we do have fun sometimes too. I better knock on wood - I start my new job tomorrow...
Peace.

Got A Job !

After nearly 4 years, I have gotten a job ! I deliberately chose not to work, I wanted to concentrate on my venture into the world of small business ownership. I have an online store which means that I can be at home with my kids. Thats awesome right? Yes it is, but it's also extremely taxing and has driven me to the conclusion that I would rather go punch a clock somewhere to get a break from these kids of mine. They're great kids but (whew !) they're kids. I willingly surrender to the DayCare Program, babysitters, a nanny or anybody or anything that will take them off my hands. I figure this way they our relationship will improve - I'll have an opportunity to miss them and maybe I won't have to start my mornings jumping at their every beck & call. I respect and admire mothers (having apparently been one for the past two years) I am very grateful to God that he made me a Dad and that their mom is healthy and available to them. Hopefully this job thing will work out. It's one that I don't mind doing and even though the pay might not be all that it should be very spiritually fulfilling (i'm going to work at the treatment center where I was once a resident; and a pretty difficult one at that). I guess that goes to show that you really can't judge another person's desire to find recovery. If i keep that in mind maybe I'll have something to offer the guys that God will be placing in my life. Just for today I am grateful period.

Return of The Pressure Cooker (part 205)

I don't know what it is about me that I keep allowing myself to get behind the 8-ball. Maybe I subconsciously enjoy the pressures that go along with having deadlines and not quite enough time to meet them. I must like it because time and again I find myself right here in this same place with nobody else to blame (tho' God knows I've looked for someone). So here I am again with about two or three days work on my plate and a half -day to get it all done, while I'm chasing little Sean Andrew around the house. He's my 20 month old bundle of joy - (I'm planning to name my next stomach ulcer after him). I think somewhere in the back of my mind there is an insane tug-of-war going on; on one side there's the team saying "Don't worry about it - You're SUPERMAN, you can get to it later !" and then there's the team that says "Why bother? You're an idiot and you'll only screw it up". And the really crazy part is I don't really know which team I listen to the most. All I know is once again I find myself back on this same path. I do however; still have gratitude. Grateful that every now & then I break the pattern. Grateful that I am not seeking out someone else to blame (today). I'm grateful that I am aware that I have an issue that needs addressing. And very grateful that I have a Higher Power that can help me (if I let Him).
P.S. I been asked to Speak at a Recovery Event out of town this weekend (Chicago here I come). Fuinny thing is I'm not nervous in the least bit. I think I'm putting that off until the last second too.
Just for today I am reminded that I suffer from a disease that will attack any weakness, but also that I have a God and program that can help me to handle it whenever, whereever.

Growing up ?

I have been involoved with "the program" for 3 & a half years (i relapsed and came back 2 years ago) but since i have been 'semi-sane' i haven't found it necessary to get a job. I'm not a teenager living with his folks or an adult moocher or anything - i have actually started my own business and have been making ends meet. But lately my wife has gotten a nice promotion on her job and my 'competitive nature' is kicking in telling me that although i'm happy for her, i want to get a promotion too, not to mention the extra money that we could have if i were employed full-time along with running my business part-time. So now i have decided that i am going to apply for a job at the local cable company. Even though i have been out of the work force for a few years i believe that the spiritual principles that i have been practicing so far have prepared me for this reintroduction to blue collar america. I'll admit that i have been secret laughing at people as they talk about how much they hate their jobs. I was resigned to never punch another clock again in my life. That's still my goal - i have just come to realize that maybe by working and saving it will help me to reach that point of financial security quicker. I just want to buy a handful of rental properties maybe "flip" some properties like i see people doing on TV. Maybe i am just a foolish dreamer - but Just for Today - i can pursue my goals full throttle and have faith that just about anything is possible as long as I stay clean and on this path (along with a solid plan and commitment).

Oh God...

I applied for a life insurance policy a few months back (trying to be responsible adult man). Well they sent my check back; which was cool with me - cuz i need another bill like i need a hole in my head. I was led to believe that their reasoning was based on my doctor not being timely about giving them my medical records. Besides I have had 2 HIV tests, a complete physical and am monogamous (3+ years) with a woman who has also been tested twice; not to mention we have a 16 moth old son who is completely healthy.
Well anyway the life insurance agent called me today and asked if I ever found out why they denied me - informing me that it had some medical basis - PANIC MODE !!! This guy had no other info, no number to call, nothing - ANGRY PANIC MODE !!! I got on the internet & got with my doctor & faxed a request to release the info to my doctor. This is apparently the procedure that one has to take to find out what's going on (something about confidentiality). IMPATIENCE MODE !!!
I prayed, called my sponsor, shared my true feelings with a few people & finally - RESTORATION TO SANITY MODE !!!
Just for today, i'm not sure what's going on, but i am confident that i am healthy & if i'm not then more will be revealed to me in due time. I have done all that I can do & now I trust in God that everything will be as it should be. I really don't want to die; ever, but certainly not anytime soon. I'm only 42 years old (which may seem pretty old to some of you teenie-boppers) but it ain't old at all. Why I can still remember all kinds of things like.... uh... anyway it ain't old dammit. But I do need to get with the fact that we are all going to go sooner or later (even me) and that each day is a blessing to be cherished and appreciated and fully lived. Thank you God for today - please let me live it to the fullest.
Maybe you (dear reader) should do the same.