Can You Hear Me Now...?

Ever had the feeling that maybe the disease you're suffering from is simply retardation? If you have, then you are not alone. Today was one of those days for me. Out of the blue I just found myself suddenly realizing that the reason I stay so stressed out over my kids is because I HAVE TO watch after them, which means that I can't be doing some other thing that I WANT to be doing. ANd this (believe it or not) has been going on for about 18 months now. No shit - I finally figured that one out. I had been trying and trying to squeeze in my WANTS when it was time to take care of my NEEDS. Poor prioritizing of my time contributed to the situation but mostly it was a simple case of "Hey I want to do this & I want to do this right now" I even go as far as convincing myself that this thing that I WANT to do is a MUST. If that ain't insane then I don't know what is. Simple enough that even a blind man could see it right? Yep, but not me. Makes me feel kinda scared. I start wondering just deep does my stupidity, denial, retardation... insanity run? But... JUST FOR TODAY- it's ok. I am grateful that 10 more years didn't pass before I became aware. I am grateful that everytime I become aware (no matter how personally embarrassing I may feel that it is) it is a victory and an opportunity to grow a little bit more. ANd I am definitely grateful that no matter what I am feeling - it's never a good idea to go and get loaded over it.
Peace

Return of The Pressure Cooker (part 205)

I don't know what it is about me that I keep allowing myself to get behind the 8-ball. Maybe I subconsciously enjoy the pressures that go along with having deadlines and not quite enough time to meet them. I must like it because time and again I find myself right here in this same place with nobody else to blame (tho' God knows I've looked for someone). So here I am again with about two or three days work on my plate and a half -day to get it all done, while I'm chasing little Sean Andrew around the house. He's my 20 month old bundle of joy - (I'm planning to name my next stomach ulcer after him). I think somewhere in the back of my mind there is an insane tug-of-war going on; on one side there's the team saying "Don't worry about it - You're SUPERMAN, you can get to it later !" and then there's the team that says "Why bother? You're an idiot and you'll only screw it up". And the really crazy part is I don't really know which team I listen to the most. All I know is once again I find myself back on this same path. I do however; still have gratitude. Grateful that every now & then I break the pattern. Grateful that I am not seeking out someone else to blame (today). I'm grateful that I am aware that I have an issue that needs addressing. And very grateful that I have a Higher Power that can help me (if I let Him).
P.S. I been asked to Speak at a Recovery Event out of town this weekend (Chicago here I come). Fuinny thing is I'm not nervous in the least bit. I think I'm putting that off until the last second too.
Just for today I am reminded that I suffer from a disease that will attack any weakness, but also that I have a God and program that can help me to handle it whenever, whereever.