On Hating My Sponsor

Dude ! My sponsor pissed me off so bad yesterday that I almost fired his ass. We had an appointment to do step-work but we didn't have the exact time locked in so I called him early & left a message. After a few hours I called him again and he answered and told me that he'd call me back later. It turns out that he was off work & that kinda bothered me because I couldn't understand why he didn't return my call; but oh well he can be jerky sometimes, so I wrote it off. He never called back until midway through the next day & by this time I was already on the warpath after all - doesn't this guy know who I am ? Rewind the tape I have "fired this guy twice already for hurting my feelings in the past. So I had made my mind up to let him go - so what he's got 15 years of recovery under his belt. I have good buddy's in my network of recovering people who have that much time & more (who'd be happy to sponsor me). Well my sponsor happened to be speaking in my town tonight & I decided that after he spoke, I was going to respectfully advise him that I was going to move on (I know that sponsor's aren't really fired I was just pissed). So i went to hear him speak and by the time he was done - I remembered exactly why i asked this guy to sponsor me - he was awesome, his message was strong, clear, funny & informative. He is truly a vessel by which the pure message of hope is carried. I love that guy, I just can't stand some of his ways. I guess I better get some acceptance & be patient with him the same way that he has been with me. Just for today, I will continue to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel but i will not forget that i always have a choice on how I react & respond to my feelings. Thank God for the recovery process. Peace.

Got A Job !

After nearly 4 years, I have gotten a job ! I deliberately chose not to work, I wanted to concentrate on my venture into the world of small business ownership. I have an online store which means that I can be at home with my kids. Thats awesome right? Yes it is, but it's also extremely taxing and has driven me to the conclusion that I would rather go punch a clock somewhere to get a break from these kids of mine. They're great kids but (whew !) they're kids. I willingly surrender to the DayCare Program, babysitters, a nanny or anybody or anything that will take them off my hands. I figure this way they our relationship will improve - I'll have an opportunity to miss them and maybe I won't have to start my mornings jumping at their every beck & call. I respect and admire mothers (having apparently been one for the past two years) I am very grateful to God that he made me a Dad and that their mom is healthy and available to them. Hopefully this job thing will work out. It's one that I don't mind doing and even though the pay might not be all that it should be very spiritually fulfilling (i'm going to work at the treatment center where I was once a resident; and a pretty difficult one at that). I guess that goes to show that you really can't judge another person's desire to find recovery. If i keep that in mind maybe I'll have something to offer the guys that God will be placing in my life. Just for today I am grateful period.

Warning - Unbelievable

I was in the throws of the emotional rollercoaster caused by having 90 days clean when I wrote this, I think I was angry at the drugs, myself & the world. I nearly got boo'd off stage at a poetry reading (lol - some people just don't understand 'Art') This is Not For The Overly Sensitive

Title: Unbelievable

I pinched myself because I found it so damn hard to believe
I kept my eyes wide open looking for the trick up your sleeve
It made no sense to me that I would find someone like you
I had heard so many lies, that I didn’t know what was true
In no time we found ourselves growing ever closer it seemed
You kept me so very happy beyond my wildest of dreams
But I never fully could trust you and I just don’t know why
I couldn’t shake this funny feeling that your ass was a lie
Whenever you didn’t answer the telephone when I called
Whenever you preferred to hang out with your friends at the mall
Whenever you didn’t feel as though you wanted my sex
Whenever you slipped and mentioned the fuckin name of your ex
I felt like you were making a big ass fool outta me
I wondered if I only saw in you what I wanted to see
I accused you and then I said that I ain’t playin these games
You cried and asked if maybe I was going insane
I told you that I ain’t crazy maybe you just wish that I was
Maybe you would be happier with somebody that’s dumb
I said you’d better straighten up or your ass got to go
Then I felt bad and promised that I wouldn’t trip anymo’
Then next day I bought you flowers and wrote a letter to you
Confessing all of my love, and then I signed it “your boo”
Things went well for a good while until I called you one day
You didn’t answer your phone and that shit blew me away
My stomach was all fucked up and my thinking was gone
I was nice when you came home, but that didn’t last very long
Cuz I started the inquisition; I gave you the third degree
I wanted to know the reason you kept on playin with me
Your reasons did not even come close to calming my rage
It was right then that I decided to take it to the next stage
So I slapped you and then I stared as you lay on the floor
I Said bitch I love you but I ain’t gonna take this no more
You understand me? I asked as you slowly nodded your head
Cuz if you don’t girl then one of us might just wind up dead
Then we hugged & you started wipin the blood from your mouth
Told you I love you and all I wanted was some peace in our house
And that’s what I got; we had no problems, not even a one
Till you came home a little late from going out for some fun
I wanted to know about every single little thing you’d been doing
I called you a lie and said you probably was out somewhere screwing
Your explanation fell on deaf ears cuz I was just too far gone
Cuz then I hit you upside the head with my damn cellular phone
It was the first thing I grabbed; I didn’t mean to hit you so hard
I saw the blood and then I rushed and put you into the car
You got fourteen stitches put in right there next to your eye
And every time I notice it I want to break down and cry
I promised things will get much better if you give me a chance
Reminding you that our love was the world’s greatest romance
Reminding you that I need you and I’ll just die without you
Reminding you that nobody’s ever made me feel like you do
Then we made love but something was wrong and oh yes I could tell
Then I said “you cheated didn’t you? You lying bitch, go to hell”
You said “I’m leaving you”, then got up and you started to pack
I don’t remember throwing that lamp, hitting you square in the back
I don’t remember me kickin you all over your body that night
And I really don’t even remember if you put up a fight
I do remember running out of breath, getting tired after a while
I laid on the floor right next to you, gave you a kiss and I smiled
And said baby-girl you’re my world and I simply love you to death
I heard you say “I love you too” as you struggled for breath
I saw that you were crying and it broke me in half
I started sobbing too and fell asleep as the time slowly passed
I awoke there on the floor in the same spot where we wept
You had packed up all your shit and then moved out as I slept
I figured you were trippin and would call when you calmed down
But with every passing hour all my smiles turned into frowns
I called all of the places where I thought you had gone
Nobody knew a thing and I thought “man, what have I done?”
As hours turned into days and the days kept rolling by
I couldn’t believe that you were gone and I couldn’t figure why
I finally ran into you about a month on down the road
You were sitting down on a park bench and you were sitting all alone
I walked up and smiled asked if I could only have a minute
I said my heart is empty and that only you ‘my boo’ could fill it
You smiled and shook your head, told me that it just won’t work
I apologized and told you that I know I’d been a jerk
My lessons been learned cuz without you, I had nearly died
I been staying up every night and all I do now is cry
I stared deeply into your eyes as I asked for some forgiveness
A teardrop ran down your cheek, and then I gave you a real kiss
Two days later, you moved back in and we were happy as hell
I said we should get married, you said that sounded real swell
For weeks we enjoyed every minute of every day into night
But shortly thereafter we got into a helluva fight
I said that I wasn’t playin no more games with yo ass
When I was done you had to get both of your arms in a cast
I was sorry but I was mad cuz you kept fuckin with me
As hard as I tried, I simply could not get you to see
That girl I love you to death and I ain’t trying to lose you
Just be where I can find you does that concept confuse you?
I keep giving you all these chances and I hope you can see
That ain’t nobody gone love you better, ain’t nobody like me.
Would you believe that dirty bitch packed up and left me again?
So I said “fuck her!” she’s prob’ly out screwing one of her friends
Oh yeah I cried I won’t deny that my heart had got broke
I just refuse to hunt her down like I’m some sorta joke
As time went on I healed from all of the pain she had caused
And I ran into another sexy girl that gave reason to pause
I told her that I was the luckiest man alive cuz I met her
And promised her that nobody else could treat her no better
So things went well and I was happier than I’ve ever been
Cuz she wasn’t only my lover she was my closest friend
But I pinched myself because I found it so hard to believe
So I kept both my eyes open looking for the tricks up her sleeve…

this is not a true story, at least not mine.

I'm It !?!?

There's this "Tag you're It kinda thing going around and it's been uh, 'spread it to me' so beware cuz it might be coming your way. Actually I am grateful that I was thought about and included in something fun like this...

Here's The Rules:
1. Each player must post these rules first.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Well here goes nothing:
1. I think I have slept with about 700 women in my life - this isn't something i am bragging about, it's just a random fact (?) and actually it's more of an indication of growth considering that for the past three plus years I have been completely monogamous - a testimony to the fact that we can recovery from all sorts of conditions.
2. I am an artist of sorts - as a kid i won all kinds of contests with my free hand sketches. As an adult I design quite a bit of artistic creations (masterpieces i call them) using only digital technology. even though things change, somethings never change.
3. I was born & raised in Chicago, Illinois - moved to Ohio and untimately found recovery - travelled recently to Chicago to speak at a recovery function and was introduced as an out of town speaker... I felt a little confused.
4. I have four children - one young enough to be a my grand-child and I take care of him while his mom works (whew !)
5. Since I have been in recovery I have taught myself how to build, repair & upgrade computers & computer networks as well as design and maintain websites and started my own business in an area completely unrelated to computer technology.
6. I was the first male in my area to work 12 steps - after which i promptly relapsed - talk about celebrating.
7. At the age of 32 while still "using" a college basketball coach attempted to recruit me as a walk on. At age 42 I still regularly play pick-up basketball games with guys as young as 16 years old (whew !) despite being an accomplished cigarette smoker.
8. I am overflowing with gratitude for many things including the fact that I can still even count to 8 after 25 years of introducing mind changing, mood altering substances of all kinds into my body.

Peace...

I am passing this on to the following bloggers (I chose these people because I like the things that they have to say) :

Icarus Swordfish
An Irish Friend Of Bill
AvantTard
The Junky's Wife
Ceasless Random Mutterings
In The Mind Of A Maniac

Fantasy Nightmare

Picture this: You meet the woman of your dreams and you guys get together to build the life together that you've always wanted but were incapable of having due to this God-awful "disease of addiction" that you suffer from. She's awesome - she understand everything about you, because she's in the same 12 Step program that you're in. Can't beat this right? Time passes and you have a child, a beautiful child and you are determined to be there for this child, loving him & helping him - you know, like 'normal' people do. So all is well in this dream, until you realize that things don't always go the way they 'should' and that in fact "should" is word that indicates control & expectation issues. Ok this is nothing to be alarmed about - things don't 'always' go the way that "I" think they 'should' go so I wrestle with getting some acceptance on this matter, cuz the most important thing is that "we love each other" right? Well more time passes and you discover that you guys have quite a few differences and you find yourself often feeling like shaking, choking, pleading with, murdering, or abandoning people. But you keep the lines of communication open, you share honestly with your mate & others, stay prayerful and you keep the faith. So more time passes and you feel like nothing is changing - although if you really think about it you know that some things are changing but for the most part - a lot of things that aggrivate you are recurring issues. So fast forward to today- you are tired as hell and you really just want things to be the way you think they should - you don't think you're asking for too much, you believe that you should have a right to your personal preferences. Compromise isn't a bad thing is it? All this is rolling around in your head and it makes for one big justification to leave your relationship. Then you think about the lack of acceptance that you have, lack of trust & faith in God to make things right, the inability to be understanding when it comes to other people's defects of character and the total absence of unconditional love in this scenario. Then you really feel like shit. Why can't i have things the way i want them - because the program says so? That's not it. I better call somebody quick. Just For Today - maybe you oughta be grateful that this isn't a description of your life. I know that I am grateful if only for the fact that even though my life may not be where I want it to be - it surely isn't as bad as it used to be. You should also find gratitude for me condensing this blog - I could've written volumes on this topic.
Peace

Return of The Pressure Cooker (part 205)

I don't know what it is about me that I keep allowing myself to get behind the 8-ball. Maybe I subconsciously enjoy the pressures that go along with having deadlines and not quite enough time to meet them. I must like it because time and again I find myself right here in this same place with nobody else to blame (tho' God knows I've looked for someone). So here I am again with about two or three days work on my plate and a half -day to get it all done, while I'm chasing little Sean Andrew around the house. He's my 20 month old bundle of joy - (I'm planning to name my next stomach ulcer after him). I think somewhere in the back of my mind there is an insane tug-of-war going on; on one side there's the team saying "Don't worry about it - You're SUPERMAN, you can get to it later !" and then there's the team that says "Why bother? You're an idiot and you'll only screw it up". And the really crazy part is I don't really know which team I listen to the most. All I know is once again I find myself back on this same path. I do however; still have gratitude. Grateful that every now & then I break the pattern. Grateful that I am not seeking out someone else to blame (today). I'm grateful that I am aware that I have an issue that needs addressing. And very grateful that I have a Higher Power that can help me (if I let Him).
P.S. I been asked to Speak at a Recovery Event out of town this weekend (Chicago here I come). Fuinny thing is I'm not nervous in the least bit. I think I'm putting that off until the last second too.
Just for today I am reminded that I suffer from a disease that will attack any weakness, but also that I have a God and program that can help me to handle it whenever, whereever.

I got sunshine...

There's a song that goes: I GOT SUNSHINE ON A CLOUDY DAY, WHEN ITS COLD OUTSIDE I GOT THE MONTH OF MAY. Well I ain't quite that chipper, but I am very grateful for God and this program today despite the struggles in my life. Lately I haven't been so caught up in the negativity and anger brought on by having to raise my boys (20 months and 6 years) while my wife's at work. Whew ! Lately I haven't been so grumpy about having to clean house behind a bunch of adults and kids who apparently couldn't care less. Amazingly I haven't completely lost my mind behind this car I purchased for several thousand dollars which has turned out to be a complete lemon (needs an engine and a host of other stuff) I haven't even killed my wife behind our recent arrival into the land of absolute brokeness (notice how i kinda blame here for it) I just have not found it necessary to use drugs over this shit or cuss anybody out either. Miracle ? Hell yeah it is. There's something about staying on the path and keeping the faith. In a lot of ways I have been changing (no longer interested in sleeping with bunches of hot chicks, or stealing or lying, etc) but this one is the hum-dinger ! I have been praying about my lack of acceptance and my temper and wella - i found relief. Seemingly effortless relief from acting like a total maniac (while my disease told me that I'd be well justified in doing so "this time"). Well JUST FOR TODAY: disease you can kiss my ass, Thank you God and the 12 Steps and the members who keep loving me and showing me the way. If you think that you can't get better in a certain area of your life - you are sadly mistaken. We do recover. Peace

Step Four ? Hah !

I haven't posted anything in about a week - been too busy living life. Lately I've been holding on with both hands -the highs astronomical, the lows - the pits of hell. The twists & turns in the road - fast & furious. A day in the life of a bi-polar schizophrenic? nope - this is me caught in the grips of step six. And they say that step four is the "make or breaker". My step four was rough indeed but at least i had heard the rumors about how 'intense' that step could be - so i was prepared for the worst. But this step here - nobody warned me (as if that could've helped). to make things worse - this ain't even my first time doing this step. This is the step that is like when they put the Shocker Things on your chest to restore your heartbeat - it's a bitch - but it'll save your life. more on this later...