Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Nothing to Fear, but fear itself...

Well I finally called and spoke to the committee in charge of the event that I didn't attend last weekend. I had been putting it off for a few days - kinda hoping that it'd go away, but oh well my program won't let me just ignore my responsibilities no matter how unpleasant they may "seem" to be. I say 'seem' because in this case, the whole scenario played out in a very cool way. Nobody was angry with me, just concerned. The conversation was encouraging and long story short - I'll still be doing business with them in the future. Go figure. I guess there's no limit to what God can do, when knuckleheads like me get out of the way. All along I had been plagued by fear. Fear that they'd cuss me out, blackball me & slander my name. I was even fearful that if they saw me in their town I might get beat up. Yeah my "irrational imagination"/diseased thinking works overtime & holidays. Anyway as ridiculous as that may sound to you - it sounded reasonable to me in my head. Thank God for sponsorship and supportive people in my life who came to the rescue and reminded me to "stop trippin' and call those people". Thank God for the honesty (to tell on myself), open-mindedness(to consider the suggestions) and the willingness (to go ahead and call despite my fear). So now in retrospect I guess the old saying has merit: Just for today as long as I follow this way, I have nothing to fear (except fear itself).
Peace.

Masterbation? Yuck!

Is masterbation a form of 'self-love'? Is it some nasty thing that only perverts do? Is it just another normal, natural thing that normal people do? Good question. The answer is... whatever you think it is. We create our own realities sometimes, and that reality can be ugly if its based on misinformation. Why am I even talking about this? because me & a friend were discussing it and it was revealed that I think masterbation is disgusting (unless it's a women on an adult movie) and that if I do it then I am disgusting and sneaky and nasty and perverted. Well needless to say I have done it and I have felt all those self-esteem assassinating feelings. So my friend and I were discussing how I came to view masterbating as such a bad thing. Something from my childhood - go figure. I'm a grown man operating on a child's information - sound familiar to anyone? Nah not this crowd, I'm sure. But anyway I just decided to take a leap of faith and share this in hopes that maybe I can get some relief. Because I don't want to continue feeling like a sicko if I decide to "periodically" indulge. Maybe somebody will have the courage to share something profound (which usually turns out to be profoundly simple) with me. Maybe people will be too afraid to touch this topic. Maybe people feel the same way I do. Just for today - I'm not in denial anymore - I have done it, and I know I'm not a sicko...
I'll just be glad when my mind believes that too. Whew ! feels like I just did a "mini-fourth step". JUST FOR TODAY: somebody had the courage to say some 'out there' things when I first got here & it helped me get freedom from that feeling of terminal uniqueness. Maybe it's my time to give back. And remember those that judge, don't matter & those that matter, don't judge.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

You Don't Even Want To Know...

Feels like "all hell has broken loose" in my life. Here are my reasons why I feel like that:
1. Broke a business committment; No Call, No Show.
2. Lied about it to the other party.
3. Procrastinated (among other things) and caused delays in other responsibilities.
4. Been moving slow on my step work, after changing sponsors because my old sponsor kept me waiting to work steps*.
5. Been selling myself short in business deals - contributing to financial stress.
6. Been basically putting things (like life) off until tomorrow, knowing that I should be living for today, in today.
No I didn't go to jail or cheat on my wife or rob a bank but based on the way I "feel" about things lately, I might as well have. This whole "having a conscience" thing can really suck at time. I "feel" so like shit. I am truly disappointed in myself. I know that I am capable of doing better. These are facts about the way I feel. But everything I "feel" isn't based on facts. For example I "feel" like the lowest piece of shit on earth. Still a good-for-nothing, lying, lazy disappoinment of a man. I said "Still" because those are feeling that I had when I arrived at the 12 step program. My disease tells me to give it up, I'll never be normal or a worthwhile human being - fuck it, I'm a failure. A pretender. A dumbass. But I do have to thank God (quickly) for my 12 Step program, meetings, sponsorship & a network of people who remind me that:
1. We all fall short.
2. At best, we only human.
3. I am growing and have come a looooooooooooooooong way.
4. Get out of the problem and into the solution - which is: do better next time.
5. I am worthwhile, God loves me, you guys love me & to be honest: I love me.
6. I have so much to be grateful for if I just remember to look for it.
Yes sir this has been a hell-of-a week; which all came to a head today, but when I look at things with my NEW perspective I see that it wasn't so very bad after all. I didn't go use, so that means that I'll have another chance to get it right tomorrow. So in the midst of the storm, I thank God for the re-programming that I am receiving (some call it an awakening of the spirit) which prompts me to seek out a power greater than me which can restore me to sanity. Thanks God for the help that is available & the willingness to ask for it.
Peace

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Point Taken & Thanks

Ok so I have been having my fair share or stresses lately and I've been sharing with people like my sponsor, friends and even my sponsees from time to time. Well one of my sponsees posted an awesome blog the other day; which I happened to read. It was about people in the meetings acting like life is so fucking wonderful when you know that they're struggling. He pointed out how some people NEVER put topics on the floor asking for help, but they are always ready to help someone else. He also shared that he was grateful that he isn't afraid to ask for help if he needs it. Well after reading that I started thinking about me, asking myself do I fall into that category and i had to be honest and reluctantly answer: kinda. I do share with bunches of people but i havent shared with the group in a while. So tonight I dropped it like it was hot - I put my topic on the floor and guess what: I got some hell-i-fied feedback. It was a great feeling to have the group caring about me & my shit and I got a lot of relief just getting it off my chest once again. After the meeting I was sharing with my wife (who just happens to be my sponsees sister) about her brother's blog and how it helped me and she told me that he wrote it about me. I 'bout died, it's really funny how God works, because what a coincidence that I just happened to read that particular blog of his (I'm not a regular reader) and even though I didn't go to the meeting with the intention of sharing, it just happened to get really quiet for a long time and I just said "fuck it, I might as well share". Just for today I don't put a whole lot of stock in coincidences, I believe that God works miracles and that sponsorship is definitely a two-way street. Hopefully I will keep doing the things that I suggest to my sponsees and that I will stay open-minded to receive God's messages regardless of the messenger.
Peace.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

We Are The Champions...

"Ok life, is that the best you got ?" Life on life's terms has thrown everything but the kitchen sink at me in recent months and even though I stumbled I wouldn't fall. "Yeah baby, I'm still standing !" I didn't check into a Psych Ward, I didn't cuss anybody out, break anything or get high ! I have had to deal with relationship stress, financial stress, the stress of raising very young children, trouble running my business, changing sponsors and various other minor set-backs and disappointments (I once feared that my new truck was going to be repo'd). Whew I get tired just thinking about all that stress.
But there's something about the reprogramming that I have received as a result of regular meeting attendance and stepwork. Through the storm I knew to call people and share my pain & fears. I kept an open-mind to suggestions and had the willingness to try something different. I practiced a ton of faith and trust believing that as long as I stayed the course things would eventually get better.
So far there haven't been any big changes, most of the issues are still there but a new me is emerging from amidst the chaos. A grateful me. A me that realized that I have been under attack, and they brought out the heavy artillery too. But Just for Today - I'm still standing. In my eyes thats one of the things that makes a winner. Now how much money you got but your ability to withstand the storm and stay the course. "Getting high, running away and acting out is always an option, it's just not the option that I choose" that's what I tell myself, just for today anyway.
peace

Thursday, July 19, 2007

In over my head

Ok I just gotta get this off my chest. I am thinking about closing down my business. Not because it's losing money or anything (it's actually on the upswing), but because I can't get good steady help. My wife who used to be my partner now works full time and has our family to care for. Although I have been trying, I simply have not been able to keep up with everything without her vital assistance. I have a few people who help out here and there but none consistantly. I have a friend who wants to help but for some reason everytime he helps me something bad happens. It's like some sort of curse - I'm not kidding either. Other people have mentioned it too. So here I sit, the man of many hats (owner, sales rep, stock boy, deliveryman, clerk, receptionist, web designer, computer repairman, graphic artist, tee shirt producer, shipping and receiving, advertising executive and anything else that goes along with running my tee shirt business.) This is literally too much for me to continue to handle on my own. My blood pressure has recently gone up and I've had a headache off and on for the past four days. I made a business contact last week; a millionaire who shall remain nameless, and this guy liked my spunk. So much so that he offered me a ground floor opportunity to work with him on a new project of his and as excited as I was, I am completely dropping the ball. Numerous difficulties have resulted in delays in shipping his product to him. I have had to apologize to him and a handful of people lately for delays. And I believe that I have to just shut it all down and step back for a while to regroup or something bad is going to happen to me health-wise (mentally and physically). I never had a business before - I never had much of anything before - active addiction wouldn't let me. It really sucks to give up on my dream - even if its only for a little while - but I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. Oh well...
Just for today, sometimes I have to take a step back in order to take the next step forward. And I know that practicing faith and trust means doing things and having no clue what lies ahead. But more than anything else I know this: It's much easier to tell you all this good sh!t, than it is to it tell myself. Once again it's time to practice what I preach.
Peace

Thanks Asshole

Today I have a great deal of appreciation for those members of the fellowship and society at large whom I choose to categorize as assholes. I'm not saying that I like assholes or am an asshole myself (most of the time, to my knowledge). I'm just saying that when I see someone 'asshole-ing out' instead of instantly getting angry, disappointed or judgmental- i try to think positive and say "Whew I sure am glad that's not me". Which gets me in touch with my own personal growth & assets. But it also serves as an opportunity to learn and grow because it shows me what I don't want to do or be like. So hey to all you fuckin' assholes, thanks a bunch for showing me the the way to a better life.
Just for today: This is the mother of all mind games and the stakes are high - my life & serenity are on the line. I have a choice on how I choose to perceive things & I choose the path that leads to enlightenment, growth & serenity. Peace.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Can You Hear Me Now...?

Ever had the feeling that maybe the disease you're suffering from is simply retardation? If you have, then you are not alone. Today was one of those days for me. Out of the blue I just found myself suddenly realizing that the reason I stay so stressed out over my kids is because I HAVE TO watch after them, which means that I can't be doing some other thing that I WANT to be doing. ANd this (believe it or not) has been going on for about 18 months now. No shit - I finally figured that one out. I had been trying and trying to squeeze in my WANTS when it was time to take care of my NEEDS. Poor prioritizing of my time contributed to the situation but mostly it was a simple case of "Hey I want to do this & I want to do this right now" I even go as far as convincing myself that this thing that I WANT to do is a MUST. If that ain't insane then I don't know what is. Simple enough that even a blind man could see it right? Yep, but not me. Makes me feel kinda scared. I start wondering just deep does my stupidity, denial, retardation... insanity run? But... JUST FOR TODAY- it's ok. I am grateful that 10 more years didn't pass before I became aware. I am grateful that everytime I become aware (no matter how personally embarrassing I may feel that it is) it is a victory and an opportunity to grow a little bit more. ANd I am definitely grateful that no matter what I am feeling - it's never a good idea to go and get loaded over it.
Peace

Go Ahead, Cast That Stone...

This process is of mine can be good, bad & ugly. It can be happy, sad & everything in between. But one thing that it tends NOT to be is DULL. Recently a friend was caught up in a situation where some of his "jokes" crossed the line into mild flirtation. The other person involved was one of his friends who has a boyfirend who is also his friend. Somehow the boyfriend found text messages that made him very angry & uncomfortable. The boyfriend shared his feelings with other members who promptly starting the judging process. My friend shared it with me & I understood what he was feeling & how it could've happened. It ain't that hard to see: She's a nice looking girl & too much playing on both parts and PRESTO ! somebody crossed the line. I just want to sound of on all the JUDGES in this scenarion: one guy who has shared with me about his own indescretions (not just flirting, but sleeping around) another guy who was notorious for sleeping around, and the rest: a bunch of recovering people who are far from perfect in their own behaviors. I guess I understand though, and I have to hug them when I see them & pray for them. I also think I'll take a moment to thank God, because just for today, I'm not the self-righteous, judgemental asshole. I understand that even with my best efforts I am inclined to slip & fall down. I am so completely aware that I try my best to just avoid certain situations (like getting too close to certain females, gambling, etc.) I understand that my disease drives a car with no brakes & once I start acting out on certain behaviours that feel good to me, there ain't no stopping. I am also grateful that although this process of mine is a lot of things, it's hardly ever boring.
Peace.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Powerfully powerless...

I started this new job recently at the local detox center. My first formal job in about 4 years. Needless to say that there was adjusting to be done, but it wasn't nearly as bad as my "fears" told me it would be. I mean I actually wrestled with thoughts like: I won't be good enough, it'll be too hard, I'm too old to learn new tricks, they won't like me, I don't have anything to wear, etc. My mind has the ability to rationalize all sorts of non-sense in an apparent effort to sabotage my efforts towards growth - this is just an example of the type of anti-recovery monster that I have to deal with on a regular basis.
At any rate - I showed up and things went well. They like me & I love the job. I especially enjoy the 'helping others' part. Since people are only there for a short period of time, I try to share concentrated hope with them, taking care not to overwhelm or make this recovery process seem too complicated. It's not easy, it's a lot more involved than just saying "Keep coming back". But it feels great when I see a glimmer of hope in someones eyes after sharing with them. I feel that I am in a position to carry the message - that I have some type of power to plant the seeds that CAN affect a change in somebody's life. That feels awesome & I thank God for the opportunity to be a vessel for carrying the message. But... for real, some peole aren't done yet, some people are full of shit and some people leave and go get high again. I am once again reminded of my own powerlessness & that each individual has to make their own choice. I want to build a wall between me & "them" so that I don't get hurt. But that's the way it is not just at work but at any meeting and in life in general.
Just for today I choose to believe that although I don't have to power to carry an addict, I have been charged to carry the message. It brings me joy knowing that I am doing what my Higher Power would want me to do - now what happens after that, who chooses to hear the message and act on it, all that is out of my hands. God knows what he is doing. I am extremely grateful that I am clean today and that I know I am a miracle.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Love vs. Love

I was talking to a friend in recovery the other day about getting a new sponsor when he asked me "what spiritual principles are involved in love?" I said that the ones associated with love are: honesty, committment, faith, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, understanding, integrity, perseverance, trust, etc. and he said "exactly, so are you practicing these principles with yor sponsor?" I was stumped for all of 2 seconds when i replied "yes I have been, but I need to practice those priciples with respect to myself first." If by giving all this to someone else I find that I am participating in or allowing some type of neglect of any of these principles to myself then something is wrong. Its like being in an abusive relationship and telling myself to "just forgive them and be patient with them, while they continue to cheat on or beat on me". That ain't right. There's an unselfish part of this process and then there's a very selfish part of it. There's a lot of room for misinterpretation in the program. That's one of the reasons that sponsorship is very important. And that's why we pray for "the wisdom to know the difference". Just for today, my self-esteem isn't so low that I will allow myself to starve while I'm making sure that someone else eats. My recovery is my responsibility. You might want to take responsibility for yours.
peace.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Another Day Another...

Just for today I don't have a lot of complaints - not that everything is good, it's just that nothing is so serious that it warrants complaining. I am growing because half the things that make up my life today would've been grounds to go & get plastered a few years ago. I have daily stresses that I have somehow found acceptance about. My mind tells me that there is an 'easier, softer way' but I know better - I just keep putting one foot in front if the other and have faith that things will either get better or my ability to cope will improve. Just for today - the path I travel is a perfect one, I just need to work on travelling it better.
Peace

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Got it all figured out today...

Yep that's right ! I got this whole addiction thing figured out. This ain't no off the cuff hypothesis or divine revelation type of deal. This is the result of reading, discussing, working steps, praying & basically living the program that has brought me to this understanding. And this may sound like a bunch of crap to you or it may sound so simple that 'even a cave-man' should've figured it out by now, but it's my truth - just for today. SO what is it? Simply this: My addictive nature manifests itself in my life in a variety of subtle & obvious ways. But it all can be summed up in two little sentences...
1. If I don't get my way - I ain't happy.
2. If everything and everybody just did as I thought that they should - the world would be a better place.
That's it. My job is to combat these "instincts" and do things differently until my thinking eventually changes - which in a lot of cases it has. But it is a real smack in the face when I catch myself acting out in one of those two ways. It's embarrasing and the whole nine yards. But just for today - I need to know my enemy if I am to do battle with him. And I had better come prepared to fight. I choose to arm myself with a Higher Powered 12 step arsenal. I believe that as long as I follow this way - I have nothing to fear.
peace.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

New Video Clip...

Have you seen this one ? I think it's pretty cool.
Post a comment and let me know what you think.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Split Personality ?

Up's and down's thats what life is. Sometimes they come too damn fast for me. Just when you start to relax and enjoy swinging in the hammock of life somebody throws a brick from the shadows and BANG ! lays you flat on your ass. No warning, nothing. That about sums up how I'm feeling right about now. And it's not about finances, or health, or the dog dying - it's about me being tired of me. I got hit in the head with the BRICK of self-awareness. I recognized an ugly behavior & thinking pattern today that I hadn't been able to see clearly before (when i could see it at all). I don't understand what resentments I have that cause me to be so (I want to say hateful, but that's too strong - can I say schizo? loving and hateful) toward someone who is trying so hard to love me. It's like I can't get past the anger I feel as a result of my expectations not being met. Like I can't find the appropriate level of acceptance to be ok with who and what this person really is (as opposed to who & what I want them to be). It's not that I haven't tried to the best of my ability, it's more like my ability is insufficient (time to call on God, right?) Right ! God I know you're listening & watching; I need you...I need you big time right now. I ain't able on my own. To those who may read this and are of the praying type, maybe you could throw a few kinds words of prayer to your Higher Power on my behalf. That would be really nice. Thanks in advance. Just for today; what really comes to mind right now is: What we can't do alone, we can do together. Peace.

Fun In Recovery

Yesterday me & a few of my buddies went to an all day "Recovery SpeakerJam" in a neighboring town a few miles down the highway. It was really nice. We hung out and fellowshipped with lots of people. Actually I didn't go there to hang out - I was there to help raise funds for the area by selling Recovery Tee Shirts by (DaytonCustomTees.com). We sold lots of shirts and made a lot of people happy. Not to mention that we made a few dollars for the old pocket too. The day was a complete success whatever negativity came our way was quickly vanquished by our positive spirits and application of spiritual principles. Now that I think about it, I've had a great weekend: went to see LIVE FREE or DIE HARD on friday, and went to the NEWPORT AQUARIUM in KENTUCKY today. No wonder I'm tired. Oh well God is good and so is the program and Just For Today; even tho' I didn't have much drama to share, I am sharing my gratitude - cuz in recovery, we do have fun sometimes too. I better knock on wood - I start my new job tomorrow...
Peace.