Growing up ?

I have been involoved with "the program" for 3 & a half years (i relapsed and came back 2 years ago) but since i have been 'semi-sane' i haven't found it necessary to get a job. I'm not a teenager living with his folks or an adult moocher or anything - i have actually started my own business and have been making ends meet. But lately my wife has gotten a nice promotion on her job and my 'competitive nature' is kicking in telling me that although i'm happy for her, i want to get a promotion too, not to mention the extra money that we could have if i were employed full-time along with running my business part-time. So now i have decided that i am going to apply for a job at the local cable company. Even though i have been out of the work force for a few years i believe that the spiritual principles that i have been practicing so far have prepared me for this reintroduction to blue collar america. I'll admit that i have been secret laughing at people as they talk about how much they hate their jobs. I was resigned to never punch another clock again in my life. That's still my goal - i have just come to realize that maybe by working and saving it will help me to reach that point of financial security quicker. I just want to buy a handful of rental properties maybe "flip" some properties like i see people doing on TV. Maybe i am just a foolish dreamer - but Just for Today - i can pursue my goals full throttle and have faith that just about anything is possible as long as I stay clean and on this path (along with a solid plan and commitment).

RollerCoaster From Hell...

You know how life can be so really cool one day and then the very next day BOOM, the bottom falls out and everything seems to be going to poop? Yeah that sucks. but what really sucks is when you have one of those days where everything starts out going super-duper great and then somewhere along the way BOOM nothings going right at all. Today has been one of those best/worst days for me. Today started out pretty good, I actually had help taking care of my son (18 months old) which freed me up to take care of some of my business uninterupted. I had a few friends stop by and visit which was great & i got a lot of work done (i'm self employed). So far so good. Then the misses comes home and isn't in a very good mood (which for some odd reason has an effect on my mood), then i noticed that we were completely out of certain necessary materials (i hate running out, i need to get way more organized) then i noticed a critical mistake in an order (wrong dates on a batch of tee-shirts) Oh my God - i just lost about $800.00 profit just that quick and without my much needed materials I have no way to make it up in time. Oh well no time to trip about it - gotta get to my meeting & it was good. So now i'm home and a little nervous about speaking tomorrow, so I'm just gonna cool out, watch a movie and get some rest - even though we have a house full of wild children visiting - running around screaming, fighting & crying (yeah real peacful) I work a program which sometimes makes me feel like i'm wearing emotional handcuffs - i'm becoming too mature to keep acting out and i'm just too damn grateful to be getting all depressed about things... but Lord knows that sometimes i'd like to just kick a big old hole in a wall & then throw myself a nice large pity party for one. Thank God for recovery and the ability to feel things, talk about things, think about things, pray about things and just go on with my life.
Just for today I understand that shits gonna happen & sometimes its gonna happen to me - oh well we all get a turn. I am grateful that I have tools that help me cope so that I don't feel the need to go "cop". And by the way Peace is where we find it.

This Is Just Great !

Midnight found me at the emergency room last night with doctors taking a look at my new tattoo. It looked a little 'fishy' to me - should it be that swollen, I wondered. Doctors said "no", good thing i came in. It appears that I have an infection under my skin. i'm taking anti-biotics & it has to be watched closely. They took a marker and drew a circle around the infected area - if the redness and sweeling spreads then i need to go back to the ER asap. Gee thanks tattoo shop, I went to a legit place of business to avoid this type of danger. Life can be very interesting at times. Now i have to walk around with my hand held over my heart today, which makes things a little more challenging. Oh well, i won't use over this - that's for damn sure. They used to tell me early on that there's no problem in life that a drink or a drug won't make worse.
Just for today - I have enough problems. Thank God for the clearer thinking that comes as a result of working the steps.

Let the Good Times Roll...

Not a bad day Yesterday at all. I was nice to the Mrs. on her birthday ( I went and got a tattoo - she says they're sexy ) - I say it kinda hurt, but it is cool-looking. I took her to breakfast & dinner & I did the housework, while she went tanning, shopping and to get a manicure (she's very deserving of every happiness.) I have a Tee Shirt Business & had orders backing up that i got shipped out - whew, that made me feel better ! I really feel good about resisting the temptation to skip the meeting and enjoy the weather. I need my meetings ! Not only did I atend the meeting but I participated and practiced not cringing when certain members "held us all hostage", with their VERY long-windedness. Nor did I get up and leave when certain members shared OVER & OVER again. I just sat and listened (for the most part) and made a decision to NOT be a part of the problem - so I shared briefly and to the point and practiced being respectful to others. At the end of the day, I was feeling happy with myself & grateful for God & my recovery process. I woke up today and got busy working on my 6th step.
Just for today - I know that I can increase my feelings of well-being by continuing to take positive action, moving forward on this path of recovery.

Step Six Struggles...

My defects of character are jumping off lately and I am very painfully aware of this fact. I have been taking my sweet time working this step and it seems that i have "gotten what my hand called for". I find myself acting out in the areas of "self-righteousness", being "judgemental" of others and having very little "tolerance" & "compassion" for others (and I might as well add that I haven't had very much "acceptance" of "people being where they're at". All this sounds really bad (i know) but I have been doing most of this internally (in my head). So I don't have to deal with the whole causing harm to others piece that much. (Thank God) SO anyways I was discussing this with a friend and was reminded that it is NOT a good practice to procrastinate at this point in my Step Work. So now I have to reaffirm my "commitment", "persevere" and "keep the focus". That sounds like a very good plan. Ironic that I am speaking at an event this weekend and the topic for my workshop is about not allowing things to 'divert me from my primary purpose'. Ahhhh God is so good to allow me to gain some experience in that area so that I can share an honest message from the heart. Just for today I think I better remember to keep my priorities in order.
Peace

Nice Weather...

The sun is beaming - feels like 75 degrees & I love it. Thank you God for my recovery. Today I can enjoy the green grass & the chirping birds and my family & friends. I have come a long way from being the "dirty rotten scoundrel" that I used to be. I still experience the emotional roller coaster rides associated with learning how to live CLEAN after so many years of living in an "altered state". On any given day I think about leaving my wife, abandoning my kids, beating someone's brains out and maybe event getting high. My gratitude is that I don't experience these feelings regularly, nor do I feel the need to act on them. But they are my feelings, I do acknowledge them & they keep me reminded of Who REALLY is an addict, needing a Power greater than himself to be restored to sanity. I think that Just for Today - I will keep coming back.
Peace

Everybody Else Has Been ill So...

I finally caught the stomach bug that's been going around. Everybody in the house had it, friends had it and I was very grateful that I didn't get it; until now ! I was sick as a dog last night & today too. But I am starting to get better now. Thank God !
On a separate note: I am getting aggrivated again: The sponsee that keeps relapsing has behaviors that make me want to scream ! So arrogant and yet so childish. The enabling parent, the turn the other cheek family member and I get pissed becuase I think that people should allow addicts to hit a bottom. There I go thinking again.
I had a dream that I was happy again, but it lasted for way to short a time. I almost want to slip into a coma so that I can enjoy that feeling on a lasting basis.
Life around here tends to get busy. Parenting, sponsorship, self-employment, relationship, my own recovery...
I am grateful to have a program that tells me "easy does it" and reminds me that I am powerless. Hope is found here.
Just for today I am grateful to have hope.
Peace.

Okay, okay !

I have been having headaches for the past two days. Is it hypochondria ? Thinking that maybe there's something wrong with me - since the life insurance company denied me (for unknown medical reasons) probably not. My sponsee who has relapsed is considering leaving the state, I don't want him to, citing that geographic change is not the solution - but how much does my own selfishness (I love him & would rather have him here where we can grow together) affect my ability to to be objective ? I have been kept pretty busy in my fledgling business (thank you God !) Now I have the opportunity to make money doing WEB DESIGNS (now I am going to establish a business doing that.) I went over Step Seven with a sponsee tonight. I need to finish my Sixth Step (not my first time working the 6th) & make an appointment with My sponsor. My personal life is hectic; new year & a half old baby among many other things. - (Boy am I powerless !). I thank God that I am not bored, poor, lonely, hopeless or using drugs. I have faith that things will improve. I need to get a balance. I will take steps to give myself a break.
Actually I have begun to take steps - I went to a concert the other night (& had a great time!)
Just for today - I am going to do the best that I can & try to make a better life for me & my family.
Peace

Katt Williams Concert !

Just got back from the Katt Williams concert & it was fucking hilarious ! I had a pretty good day over-all; started out feeling a little sick but I took a nap & bounced back just in time to ejoy the comedy show tonight. I actually saw about 7 people that I know in attendance - that amazes me considering all the people that were there. Back in the big city where i was born & raised you hardly ever saw people that you knew in big crowds, but oh well this is life in the little city & i love it. Thank you God for a damn good day. I hope you guys' day wasn't too bad.
Peace.

whew...Gratitude !

I didn't make time to write yesterday (although it was a pretty hectic day) so here let me share some of the highlights with you. Close family member relapsed again and I had to be the heavy and talk to him about some harsh realities (that was not a lot of fun - but he took it well). My mom and sister and nieces came from out of town to visit. That turned out to be interesting - we took them to a restaurant that treated us in a way that was let's just say: not cool at all - EMBARRASSMENT & ANGER MODE. Later on that night we took them to the local hotel to get a room & that experience was; let's just call it -even less cool. The nearly empty hotel provided them with a room that had water-damaged, peeling wall paper and marsh-mellow soft, trampoline-like bouncy mattresses (great for morning back-aches !) But they were troopers and decided to "ride it out". That is until the discovery of several bugs (both living & dead) on the beds. ANGER - EMBARRASSMENT MODE x TWO ! So we moved them to another hotel - which was absolutely great. Then I made my meeting, which was, let's just call it interesting. I found myself sitting in an NA Topic Discussion meeting (I attend AA meetings sometimes too, but mostly NA) anyway we have these two people in the meeting talking about "they're alcoholics", the AA fellowship & a whole lot of alcoholism - and let me not forget the "advice" giving. This was considered a little bit disrespectful to our NA meeting (One of these people frequents the local AA meetings and you'd never hear him talking about addiction or anything else non-AA and in fact I was there when he shared his story; a very crack-infested story but he was soooooo calm and mannerly and respectful of the fellowship that he was attending (AA). He comes to our meeting and is very loud, yelling, preachy and to top it all off - he held our meeting hostage for every bit of 20 minutes ! I was just about at the THROW A CHAIR ACROSS THE ROOM MODE. But that wasn't the end of the fun; a guy who I actually like proceeded to share after him for an additional 20 minutes. I was flabbergasted. I don't know about your area but around here it takes damn near 30 minutes to get the floor open for Experience, Stregnth & Hope (after all the readings and the clean time & announcements and topics.) In a 90 minute meeting the has about 50 people in attendance - that left about 20 minutes for the other40 or so people to share if they felt that they needed to. But God did His thing and an addict shared some awesome info which lifted my spirit and made it all worth while. GRATITUDE MODE.
I am grateful that the world isn't filled with assholes and that there are some nice people out there. Grateful that everybody isn't relapsing - some of us are holding on. Grateful that everybody in the meeting isn't tripping all on the same day. Very grateful that I can be restored to sanity & that the process isn't taking as long as it used to. Grateful That A Day Clean Is A Day Won ! - Yayayayayayay !

Oh God...

I applied for a life insurance policy a few months back (trying to be responsible adult man). Well they sent my check back; which was cool with me - cuz i need another bill like i need a hole in my head. I was led to believe that their reasoning was based on my doctor not being timely about giving them my medical records. Besides I have had 2 HIV tests, a complete physical and am monogamous (3+ years) with a woman who has also been tested twice; not to mention we have a 16 moth old son who is completely healthy.
Well anyway the life insurance agent called me today and asked if I ever found out why they denied me - informing me that it had some medical basis - PANIC MODE !!! This guy had no other info, no number to call, nothing - ANGRY PANIC MODE !!! I got on the internet & got with my doctor & faxed a request to release the info to my doctor. This is apparently the procedure that one has to take to find out what's going on (something about confidentiality). IMPATIENCE MODE !!!
I prayed, called my sponsor, shared my true feelings with a few people & finally - RESTORATION TO SANITY MODE !!!
Just for today, i'm not sure what's going on, but i am confident that i am healthy & if i'm not then more will be revealed to me in due time. I have done all that I can do & now I trust in God that everything will be as it should be. I really don't want to die; ever, but certainly not anytime soon. I'm only 42 years old (which may seem pretty old to some of you teenie-boppers) but it ain't old at all. Why I can still remember all kinds of things like.... uh... anyway it ain't old dammit. But I do need to get with the fact that we are all going to go sooner or later (even me) and that each day is a blessing to be cherished and appreciated and fully lived. Thank you God for today - please let me live it to the fullest.
Maybe you (dear reader) should do the same.

Just for today...

I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations... yeah, yeah that shit sounds so good until i consider that i am afraid, very afraid. My new associations tend to relapse more often than they stay. I am pretty uptight about making new friends around here because of this. People close to me are relapsing like wildfire. I guess this is the "side-effect" of being compassionate - I care; therefore I hurt. On the flip side I am very grateful for those people that are sticking around and with whom I have developed relationships. Just for today I will try to keep the focus on what is going well in my life, instead of what is not.

and I thought I was CRAZY...

Boy oh boy, today has been a day of days. I have to express deep gratitude that although my life can be messy at times, at least I'm neither using nor a complete slave to my diseased thinking. I have the true blessing and privilege of being a sponsor to a group of very fine gentlemen. The relationships that we have forged have been nothing short of "enriching" to my spirit & life. Today I had the distinct pleasure of hanging out with one of my "multiple relapsing" sponsees - who still has yet another bright idea up his sleeve ( use soboxone & work two jobs, no time for meetings)- despite all the evidence that his ideas haven't been worth a wheel barrel full of poop, but he's got a right to his own process (& pain) right? And then there's the one who...
Oh well just suffice it to say: Thank God for my recovery & a chance at life. I am grateful & i live my gratitude by continuing onward in this process. I sometimes get flabbergasted when I think about people 'giving the gift back' but then I get restored to sanity & undestand that until a body is really ready, a body ain't really ready.

Love y'all

We fall down but...

Oh well now i know how it feels to write some truly awesome stuff (it may have been my best ever) only to accidentally erase it. ARGHHHHHHHH ! I started to say "skip it, maybe i'll try again tomorrow". But noooooooo I HAVE to write something tonight. SO here I am trying to figure out what to say - I won't even attempt to re-create the masterpiece that i've erased (you had to be there). I will say this: God is good, we are the chosen ones - no human power could have relieved my suffering. With this awareness I try to maintain compassion towards my brothers and sisters who are still out there "stuck on stupid". It's all too easy for me to forget how truly powerless I am and without much choice that "they" are. God I thank you. Please help them.

So uh...now what ?

I have been meaning to do this for a while now. This being the whole BLOG thing. I know that I need to write more (for the therapuetic value), but also because I've read so much good stuff on the BLOG circuit that I've begun to fantasize about me having a wildly popular BLOG where people would cry if i missed just one day of posting. Yeah I've been known to be a very big dreamer. So anyway here I am and uh now I can't think of a damn thing to say. So I guess I'll just leave it at: What's up ya'll ? I will holla back soon. Thanks for taking this journey with me.