Monday, August 27, 2007

On A Lighter Note...


Here's a tee shirt design, I was toying around with... wonder if I could get some feedback on it?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Write A Gratitude List? Who Me?

For the most part I dread writing assignments. The list topper for me has to be the ever popular ‘Gratitude List’. I tend to believe that after a few years in the program I don’t really need to resort to something as elementary and basic as the ‘Gratitude List’. After all, if I don’t know what I’m grateful for by now then where the hell is my head at these days? Well despite my personal views on the subject my Sponsor seems to think that having ME write a Gratitude List would be helpful for ME. My response to this was “Sure thing, I’ll do it” outwardly, but inwardly it was more like: “Is he fucking stupid? Doesn’t he know who I am? Maybe he doesn’t realize how much I know about this recovery thing, after I haven’t I worked all my steps and stayed clean for years now?”
Thankfully my OPEN-MINDEDNESS & WILLINGNESS kicked in and said: “Well he is your sponsor, you picked him for a reason & maybe you should give it a try before rejecting the idea, after all what could it hurt?”
And so; here I am, putting pencil to the paper seeking the benefits of a gratitude list yet again. As with most tasks that I put my mind to, I want to do the absolutely best job ever done by any person in the history of the Gratitude List and 12 step programs.
So here it is, The List:
1. Being Alive and Clean (I could be dead or still stuck using – God that would really fucking suck if memory serves me right). Thank You God for your grace and mercy and for the relief from the hopelessness and despair that used to be my life – so much freedom that I have to be reminded of it through other peoples (newcomers and relapsers) experiences.
2. Having a great relationship with my family (I can remember times when I was lonely, dealing with an untrustworthy, dishonest person who contributed to my misery. I can also remember not being able to see my children and wanting to – yeah those times really fucking sucked!). Thank You God that today I can enjoy my little man’s first steps, first words, first day of daycare, poopy diapers and everything else and I haven’t had to feel that type of emptiness and rejection that a bad relationship brings for so long that I’d almost forgotten about it.
3. Having personal integrity (Even though I’m nobody’s saint, I’m not the total dick that couldn’t be trusted or the guy that was a general piece of shit who was probably responsible for any crap that I took place in my general vicinity. Those times fucking sucked because even on the rare occasion that I wasn’t guilty or was actually telling the truth – nobody in their right mind believed me. And worse yet when I sincerely wanted to do right I couldn’t depend on myself to consistently keep my end of the deal – disease wouldn’t let me. Thank you God that today people don’t ‘always’ say my name with a tone of disgust or sarcasm.
4. Being able to be a friend and have friends. This is a long way from the days of ‘mutual using’, when we’d tolerate each other for the sake of getting something out of the deal. When loyalty was a myth and helping each other was an illusion – one which quickly shattered the moment it was perceived that you were no longer an asset or had anything to offer. I can remember the days filled with feelings of betrayal and disappointment because my so-called friends had left me hanging ‘after all I had done for them’. Thank you God.
5. The material things. Even though this isn’t what life is really about – it can not be ignored. Coming from having all my worldly possessions in two green trash bags to a moderately comfortable life with the vehicle of my choosing and many of the “toys” that I desire along with my needs being met is not a laughing matter. It is a testimony of sorts to the miracles that have been happening in my life. Thank You God for allowing me to be able to acquire and hold on to some things in my life today. I can remember a time when I could do neither successfully and those times only contributed to my feelings of inferiority – if feels good to be free from that trap.
6. My Health. I may not be a strapping 6’4” 250lb. 23 year old buck, but I ain’t no 42 year old sickly individual with multiple gunshot wounds, various STD’s, a bad liver, hypertension, diabetes, Hep-C, HIV, or any of a number of physical and mental illnesses or ailments that I could have as a result of the lifestyle that I lived for years/decades. Many men who walked my path are dealing with all these issues and more and some have only found relief and freedom through death. Thank You God for keeping me reminded that things could be a whole lot worse.
7. Sponsorship, The Program, Spiritual Principles and my own growth as a result of having these things in my life. Even though I tend to fantasize about how GOD, life and the people in my life ‘should’ be and almost without fail I set myself up for disappointment/resentments – I still need to acknowledge how much I have grown and how much better my life is. Just having the ability to experience a little turmoil and not get high or lose my mind or act out in ways that I will almost certainly regret later – having the ability to instead apply spiritual principles like faith and trust, patience, commitment, willingness, open-mindedness, courage and honesty in such situations has brought me into another world. One filled with all sorts of possibility and hope. Thank You God for the freedom to be able to respond to situations instead of reacting. For the freedom to be able to weather the storms and be optimistic. Thank you God for a new perspective on my life and the benefits that come along with that freedom.

I need to call my sponsor and thank him for such a loving suggestion. I feel better already. I guess its true that there is a greater freedom found through writing, one that you can’t find by simply discussing or thinking about things. “Thanks Sponse”. Thanks God. And I want to give a big old thank you to… “ME” for continuing to put one foot in front of the other and allowing this process to work in my life.
JUST FOR TODAY: I don’t think I’ll ever be too big to take a trip back to the basics – after all we have to keep on doing what we did in the beginning to stay here.
Peace

Friday, August 24, 2007

A Question Of Humility...

I share from my heart on this blog and in my life (to the best of my ability). Sometimes as a result I get slammed by some holier than thou type, or some unenlightened individual. I can feel their judging stares and hear their condemning words and you know what? Fuck them. May God continue to help them. I don't go for the arguing and I try to avoid the discussions and attempts to convince them that I'm nobodys piece of shit. I just look at them like the imperfect sickos that they are. The are, after all only human and subject to the whims of their shortcomings same as me. As I have grown and learned to accept myself; flaws and all, I am developing more acceptance of others. It seems easier to have acceptance of self and others when things are going the way I think they should but when they aren't: Dear Lord things can get tough. I have been becoming increasingly aware of my own character defects in action lately and it's been hard to keep my head up. I have a habit for believing in the illusions that I create - what I mean is "putting on airs" pretending that "everything" in my life is fine and dandy, making things appear (to outsiders) to be this way - then falling into the trap of believing that this "should" be so. I think they call it placing unrealistic expectations on myself, God & life. So once again I turn to the power greater than me known as the spiritual principles found in the 12 step. I just keep working on me and working on me until I reach a point of surrender, acceptance and freedom. Thank God for this programs simplicity. All I have to do is work the steps and keep growing up. JUST FOR TODAY: I am ok, just as I am flaws and all(yeah I could do better and I might), my life is ok too (and yes it could and might become better)- but no matter what; as long as I don't go and get wasted, I have a chance to make things better.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Power and The Pain...

After all this time in the program it has finally re-occured to me that when it says in Step One that "We admitted that we were powerless" that included me. I mean to say that I know that I am powerless over drugs & alcohol - no doubt about it. But I forget that I am also powerless over people, places and things as well. I run around trying to have the "Serenity to Change the things/people that I want changed" and things just don't quite work out that way. I'm no moron - it's just that forgetting comes easy for me. Thank God for sponsorship, meetings and step-work. So what typically happens when I am trying to exert some control over something that I have no control over is this: Pain! Either pain to myself, due to the frustration of trying to move an immoveable object. Or pain to some other individual to whom I am using manipulation tactics on; this includes everything from being extra sweet to being extra mean and anything in between. Pain because when things don't go the way I want them I am subject to withdraw my friendship, most certainly my kindness, hurl criticisms and maybe even a few insults and other retaliatory methods can be brought out of the old bag of tricks. Geez when I get honest about who I am - sometimes its a wonder that I even have a few friends in my life. All these revelations are a result of beginning Step One again. Thank God for Step One. Although there can be some painful discoveries - there is also the newfound hope that I don't have to stay stuck in my present state. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a 100 percent asshole, todays topic just happens to be about some one my occassional shortcomings. At any rate I have to thank God for allowing me to see the areas of my life that can be improved upon - I am glad that I don't have to go through the rest of my life with these behaviors and not even know that I have them.
JUST FOR TODAY: I will remind myself that the only power that I have is that over my actions and responses people, places and life in general.

Monday, August 20, 2007

That's Life...

"Honey, I'm Home." "OK Babe, be right with you as soon as I finish this book." Later that day... "Hey, I'm done with my book, you want to do anything?" "Yeah sweetie as soon as I get done on this computer." This is the pattern, each too busy and resenting the other for being that way. I live this and I feel like the ground is coming up at me at about two hundred miles per hour. I know that there is a solution - I just don't know what it is. I know people go through phases but that doesn't make it feel any better. I know that I don't have to run away just because that's what I've always done. I hold on. But I also know that things only work if you work them - so sitting on my hands and waiting for the answer to fall out of the sky isn't practical. I also know that the longer we stay together, the more I feel like "if only you'd just do what I want you to do then things would be better". Sometimes, for all that I 'know' I believe that I just don't have a clue. God is good - I guess I'll just leave it at that.
Peace.

Friday, August 17, 2007

What is this...?

What do you call a "love affair" after the love has gone? Then what do you call it when the sex has also gone away? Better yet, what do you call a person who yet lingers on in this relationship?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Talk About Scary...

I have this friend who I really care about. But my friend is very self-centered. To the point that I get mad at them. They aren't bad people at all. They just seem to occasionally fall into a pattern of doing what they want to do, no matter the effect it has on others. They have kids and I've seen this person get mad at cuz their sick child kept crying - "disturbing their sleep". I mentioned that the kid couldn't help it and they went right into the 'defensive explaining' mode. That's just one example and I sometimes feel like damn how could a person be so self-centered & clean in a 12-step program? I understand that we all come from similar roots but we are all striving for a new way to live - right? Right. So here's where the shit gets scary: they say 'if you spot it - you got it'. I know that I am proned to be self-centered and that I can't always see myself and my behaviors. Question is: what if I am just like that and just focusing on somebody else to keep from taking a look at myself? That would be messed up. I don't want to be a hypocrite. JUST FOR TODAY: I will take a good hard honest look at myself, making sure that I am doing my best to "be the change that I want to see in the world"

Monday, August 13, 2007

Doing What I Do Best...

Well the team and I are on the road again and it's going great! What that means is that we have our mobile store set-up and are selling custom tee shirts and a pretty large county fair. This is a first for us (selling tees outside of the 12-Step market) and so far the transition has been smooth. Actually it's gone from "I hope we do ok", to "man, this kinda sucks, but I know things will pick up", to "c'mon God smile on us, we're doing the next right thing" to "ok it's going to be what its going to be & i'll just be ok with it" to "hell yeah ! I knew we'd do good, I never doubted for an instant". Yeah I'd call that smooth. Moral of the story is: I am so human - I feel a variety of things and life gives me the opportunity to practice a variety of spiritual principles daily. I just keep practicing and I get better.
JUST FOR TODAY: Thank you God for the courage to step out on faith and try something new (it took quite a bit of cash to prepare for this event), the commitment, patience, perseverence and self-discipline to make it happen and hold on tightly with both hands (because an addict like me will get a case of the "fuck-it's" real quick and be ready to pack it up and go home; especially when it's 100 degrees outside), the acceptance to be ok with whatever the outcome is and the honesty and integrity to do what I gotta do, but not by "any means necessary" (we won't compromise our principles to make sales). This road to recovery isn't without its fair share of pot-holes, traffic jams, twists and turns but it is still a road filled with wonderful experiences and great rewards.
Peace.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I Would Like To Thank...

God first for this new life, free from the hell which is active addiction/alcoholism. For better or for worse this is the best life that I have ever lived, thanks. Next I'd like to thank "ME" for doing the footwork, holding on, keeping the faith and seeking out help when I needed it. Also for remembering that there is a power greater than me that will put the "smack-down" on my diseased thinking and for remembering to call on it. I also want to thank the people in my life who keep me moving in the right direction, those who acknowledge my correct thinking and those who point out my insane thoughts and actions. I believe that you people are God's voice directing me on the path that He would have me travel. From my wife to my sponsor to those who read and comment on my blog posts to all those who share their experience, strength and hope in the meetings I attend. Thank you, thank you and especially thank you.
Today I got some really good news: My blood pressure has dropped well into the normal range, I also lost 9 pounds since I last visited my doctor. Excercise; even a minimal amount consistently, can be a good thing!
But of course life wouldn't be life if there wasn't some occasional "DRAMA" going on and here is mine: My business is closing. Not because I'm not making money, or because my products aren't the bomb. It's closing because it is stressing me out of my mind. Too much work for me. I have support people but it just isn't enough. FOr almost 2 years I have made something out of nothing. Created a good name for myself. Little old me an addict with less than 3 years clean and a face and or products that are recognized in many places from coast to coast - thats a long way to travel for the young man who walked into a treatment center with all his worldly possessions in 2 trash bags a few years ago. God is good. I believe that it is time to rededicate myself to MY recovery & family - my business was like a vampire stealing away my attention, time, and serenity. I don't feel like I am a failure, my disease wants me to believe that. I believe that I am doing God's will in that this is what's best for me and my family. I don't know where this road is going to lead me, I do trust that things will be ok, because in my experience God's will always yield's better results than mine. So I have to say good-bye social status, good-bye fame and potential fortune, for now anyway and hello wife and kids.
Just For Today: I can't put a price-tag on the power of having a "new perspective on my life" it can mean the difference between being in acceptance of life and being miserable in life. I know understand that that same old half-empty glass was really always half-full.
Peace.

Monday, August 6, 2007

De Ja Vu...?

Yeah everything is looking very familiar to me. I have definitely been here before. I have a major event coming up and I am falling behind. Organization is not my strong point, but the temptation to start blaming those around me can be. I am fairly decent at organizing, but the bigger the project the greater the pressure that I put on myself. Maybe its fear of failure, inadequacy, letting others down - or maybe it's all or none of the above. Whatever it is, I have to concentrate extra hard and keep putting one foot in front of the other. The 'forces of evil' seem to be at work telling me to procrastinate, or look at what other people on the team are NOT doing. But I am hip to that game - that's all counter-productive. I can do this. We can do this. Whether it's a big business deal, being faithful in my marraige, raising my kids or staying clean on a daily basis. The truth of the matter is: there are going to be some challenges, some will be very difficult and I am allowed to bend, I just will not break. I have too many resources and too much power on my side. The love of a worldwide fellowship, friends, family, God and all that I have learned and become in my recovery process. Just for today: sometimes I have to be my own Coach, Cheerleader and Therapist, because I am a member of the "Whatever It Takes" club. I will do whatever it takes to stay clean, stay on the path & keep growing in my recovery.
Peace

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Gratitude...

There's nothing really going on in my life today, and I sometimes have the tendency to not write when there's no drama. For some reason I think drama makes for more interesting reading. But in this new pathway of life that I travel, I understand the importance of recognizing and appreciating the serenity and peace of 'just another day'. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude today for the absence of chaos, good health, a bright outlook on my future and another day clean. I think I had a spiritual experience today driving through town listening to my stereo, there was an 'oldie'(from way back in the 90's) playing and it just 'took me there'. I was singing out loud and smiling and flooded with great emotions and memories of a time gone by. It was awesome. When the song went off, I thanked God for all the beauty in my life today especially the ability to feel again. Just for today; I know that everything I feel won't be joyous, but I am so very grateful for those feelings that are. What an unbelievably good day to be clean.
Peace.