Chicago Day One...

Everythings cool.

I keep forgetting...

Keep forgettin we're not in love anymore.
Not acceptin' that we are not together anymore.
Can't believe that I can't MAKE this right somehow.

I tried so hard to act as if i actually hard so damn sense, but i failed miserably.
I acted out in the exact same manner as i have on several occasions. DOING THE SAME THING AND HOPING FOR A DIFFERENT RESULT.
Anyhow, I made a decision to break away for a few days and head to chicago to enjoy the holidays with family and try to move on - its hard to leave and i don't believe this will be the magic cure for anything.

I been thinking about finding a "friend" to maybe distract myself - everybody says no don't do it. but i am getting pretty desperate these days for anything that might help. (besides it seems to be working for my EX)

At any rate; keeping the focus on me: I am heading out right now.
I'm taking my laptop (so that i can continue to write.)
I have long distance on my phone (so my sponsor and friends will always be near).
They have tons of meetings there so I can stay connected.
I even know some fellow members in that area so I'm already going to be in good hands.

Not to mention God.

He Is.

No matter where I am.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Thats the sound of sweet relief - which is what i am feeling now as i bare my soul and know that things are going to get better.

peace

Afternoon UPdate...

Still no tears...
i talked to the EX this morning and got some real clarity:
there will be no possible reconciliation in two weeks.
Nor will it happen in two months.
And it probably aint gonna happen in two years.
Truth of the matter is that "WE ARE DONE!"
When she said anything's possible that was like saying that pigs MAY someday fly, but i wouldn't hold my breath waiting on that.

SO now i was wondering why she hadn't just told me that?
Well in retrospect she had told me EXACTLY that in several ways on several occasions.
I started thinking "damn i'm stupid. just like my nickname - a braindead fucker" then i realized that that's not it at all - i just have selective hearing.

I didn't trip - I actually sighed.
I guess it's a relief to know that i have no choice but to surrender - as long as I kept believing that there was a way that i could USE SUCCESSFULLY (be with her) then it was as if i had no choice but to go on.

My literature says that when we are beaten we become willing.
I am ok with todays events (so far)
i haven't called her back or drove the 4 whole blocks to where she lives) and i don't plan too.

I do plan to take care of me - work-out, get back in school, hobbies, seek a better job (shit we work together) - just do some things that help me quell the voices that sometimes tell me that i'm a reject and a loser.

Just for today I strive to allow my love of self and the love from my Higher Power to be sufficient.


So far so good.

Side Note...

On my way to bed last night it occurred to me that...
I hadn't cried at all that whole day !
I believe that this is indeed progress.
This morning i awoke to feelings of sadness about the reality of things but I ain't crying, i'm just packing for my trip...

The Circus is leaving town...

i slept good finally. i was soo frazzled and stressed that i must've passed out and slept like a baby for almost 8 hours. that was rejuvenating. so today came and brought with it a whole new series of adventures:
1. got things straightened out with the hospital
2. and the cops,
3. i also picked up my belongings and my vehicle from the hospital parking lot - whew that was a HUGE relief.
4. couldn't locate my ex last night - she was supposed to be picking up my truck from the hospital lot but she disappeared and didn't re-appear until i was at her house in the afternoon asking her mom what happened. she had apparentl;y spent the night out with some guy (i asked, she admitted - they fucked. that sucks, i said "i don't care, are you done yet and am i still the best ever?" she said "you're definitely the best ever but i ain't done, give me a couple weeks of complete space and then we can look at reconciling (two weeks)" i said "you promise?" she said "yes"
i said "i'm going to chicago (5 1/2 hours away & i'm staying for about a week) she said "good idea" (i agreed) i said "can we go to bed JUST ONE MORE TIME before i go - maybe this afternoon?" she said "ok". so we agreed on a time & when the time came she decided that she really didn't want to sleep with me.
you're probably wondering how that felt right? that's a real no brainer hunh?
so how did i react? like a semi fool: i tried to PLEAD WITH, REASON WITH, BARGAIN WITH, SWEET TALK, GUILT TRIP her and in the end NOTHING. SO i went to my last resort
SURRENDER, we had a nice conversation with the baby running around us and i then told her i'd see in later and that i wouldn't call or text or anything else for a few weeks. Although later i did see her and stopped by and asked again (NICELY) and of course she said NO, so i said how bout later and she said maybe - i said call me - she said if she feels interested she will, she didn't and so i called her.

NOTE: this shit is sick and it would be so easy to change a few details to make me look better but i won't, maybe because i hope someone can help me or maybe because i want someone to be spared this type of insanity in their life or maybe because i'm just a braindead fuck who talks too much - i really ain't sure.

Now i'm at home not really hating life or anything, just looking forward to my trip and hoping that I can stand on my word (of no contact). Believing that she will stand on hers (of reconciliation). Trusting to a fault that she will keep her word. Fearing that if/WHEN that doesn't happen my wounds will be refreshingly ripped open yet again and i will then discover that every bottom has an even deeper level CLEAN.

I trust in the process tho - hope is never lost as long as i stay clean. getting out of here will give me new sights sounds and opportunities to work on me.
GOd this really sucks sometimes but oh well its all i can do right now and its the only life that i have.
Just For Today - thank YOU (whoever is reading this and not judging me as a fucking loser) - God Bless

p.s. i tried to edit this but tonight i don't think i can handle re-feeling it all over again - it might ruin my night. i'm going to bed.

On the run...

You aint even gonna believe this shit. nope not at all. actually someone mercifully predicted this and warned me, but braindead fuck that i am...
anyway here's what happened:
Right now I am sitting in the living room of a good friends house becuase i can't go home since the cops are looking for me.
it seems i had one crying spell too many and this time i had it at work (i politely informed my co-workers that i needed to step away for a few. then i went to see the therapist - i work at one of those types of places.) i cried and shared and made one colorful statement too many and i also pounded on his end table once for emphasis (no harm donr to table or hand) but next thing you know they're trying to committ me to the mental ward.
wait it obviously gets worse...
they ask to to volunteer myself and i say what if i dont, then they say they'll "pink slip" me which means i'll stay longer. ththen this big ogre dude walks up and stands by me - fuck !
So i say ok then as the nurse goes to get the paper work i head for the bathroom and bolt towards the exit.
Now i'm running down the street in the rain wearing a wife-beater tee shirt pants and socks - running scared as hell.
Scared cuz i am the type that gets high anxiety if i think i'm being even slightly confined.
so now i'm afraid that the cops are gonna catch me and lock me up.
and i was thinking that this couldn't get any worse.
I could write for day about my many feelings and the lessons learned but i won't.
please suffice it to say: i ain't causing no more trouble just for today & i hope i can get this stuff with the hospital straightened out soon.
so...
Just For Today: what do YOU think?

Help

Thank God for HELP. I had a call late last night (2:00am) from a newcomer needing HELP. So here I am trying to get some sleep before my 7am shift when; for no apparent reason, I just wake up and then my cell phone rings. The caller ID displayed this guys name, whom I had just met a week ago at a meeting. Without thinking I answered the call. And boy was he was in a crises situation. He shared the details and his feelings and I shared understanding, support and my experience (having been in a similar spot). After about 10-15 minutes of talking & listening we actually shared a few laughs and ended the call. I thought this incident was noteworthy not because I am some "helluva" recovering addict that always goes the extra mile for his fellow addict. I share this because sometimes God will give us opportunities to show love and support to a fellow human being. In doing this I can (as the program suggests) keep what I have because I have given it away. God is awesome and His plan is perfect (not always to my liking or understanding) but perfect none-the-less I choose to believe today. I went to bed after this call feeling very good, because as I shared with my late night caller (a newcomer with less than 60 days clean) God was sharing with me (a newcomer with almost 3 years clean).
Just for today, I am grateful for the Courage, Trust & Faith needed to walk this path with optimism and eagerness. God, I thank you.

He Is !

Thank God for the clarity borne of a difficult situation. In the midst of my personal struggles with powerlessness I have discovered that my Higher Power is awesome ! I thank Him for all that He is in the midst of focusing on what life and people are not. I thank God for His "UNCONDITIONAL" love and "FORGIVENESS" I am learning to draw comfort from knowing that regardless of what does or doesn't happen in my life (losses, failures or transgressions) God's characteristics don't change. I can never do so much wrong that He turns His back on me. Woo Hoo that is good news ! As a matter of fact that is the best news in the world for an addict like me who often seeks approval and love and forgiveness and understanding from people. That was such a fallible & faulty plan - as people do tend to fall short and let you down from time to time and yet God loves, and He keeps on loving and understanding and accepting and forgiving NO MATTER WHAT.
Just for today this is my comfort and my rock! I am building my new house on this foundation. I will strive to live according to the characteristics that I have attributed to my Higher Power.
Peace.

So far..

so far so good. Staying busy helps a lot. Everything helps a lot. Most importantly I think time helps a lot. Whatever the case. Thank you God.
Just for today... i have to remember that i no matter what I am still "Drew" and that ain't a bad place to be, besides I'm growing and working on me and God-willing; improving - imagine that. It's a great day to be clean.

Oooooooooooooooh Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay !!

I ain't having anymore of this mess. I ain't volunteering for anymore pain. I think I may finally have hit a bottom & now I am ready to let go. I have some bright ideas based on things that folks have been sharing with me & a few that I have come up with on my own (uh ohhhh!).
I'll keep you posted on how this all pans out.
I have a smile on my face right now - i believe that things are finally going to be alright.
And guess what? God is still good.
JUST FOR TODAY...I think i have some clarity on His power and ability.

My enemy, myself

I am not bull-shitting around here when I write my blog. It might seem like it. It might even seem like i'm straight up crazy. But it just fuckin' is what it fuckin' is. Sometimes (as you may have noticed...) I am doing better or ok or whatever you may want to call it. And then out of no fucking where the moon falls out of the heavens and lands right on my crotch. I am falling apart at the seams. I keep doing what i am supposed to do as far as sharing with others my true feelings (privately & in groups), attending meetings, sponsorship (calling twice as much as normal lately), prayer (like a madman - i even started reading the bible a little & joined a church) & i have not used !
But dammit I am still hurting like a bitch here & I am sick of this shit. sick and tired of feeling like this. I ask and ask God why is this happening. I ask God for help constantly.
But it is still all over me.
OK enough poor me shit.
I am still fucking up - i talk to her damn near everyday - if i'm trying to be strong she will call me talking about our son. Or whatever reason. I never let the phone just ring.
I am still fucking up - reading her e-mails and seeing how happily and easily she is having conversations with other men - I never just leave her shit alone like I should.
I am still fucking up - I continue to sleep with her - telling myself that a little bit of her beats the alternative - i never just let the fucking wound heal.
I am still fucking up - I cry to her and plead with her and try to reason with her - just never balls up and walk away.
I am still fucking up - and i wonder why i am still fucked up.
Just for today - Merciful, Almighty God in heaven please help a poor lost soul who can't seem to help himself.
Please

Gotta let it burn...

This morning I watched as my kids opened their gifts from Santa - they were ecstatic ! They seemed to have received every gift imaginable ! Santa is good. Even though I was very happy & grateful to be a part of it all, I felt as though I had to force my smile at times. I guess knowing that I have to be leaving soon kinda put a little damper on the festivities for me. But oh well things could always be worse. Thank you God for all the good that I have in my life.
Just for this moment - I'll just keep moving forward, trying like hell to be grateful for the things that "ARE" all around me - and not be focused on the things that "AREN'T".
God "IS" and His plan is absolutely better than what I can come up with - whether I can see it or not. I will walk this path and look forward to what lies ahead.
Peace to all and May God Bless.

One small step forward...

Seems like I'm taking very small forward steps these days, which is great news. The not so great news is that I often follow it up with a few rather sizeable steps in the opposite direction. I willl forego details today to get to the point: Merry Christmas to all you celebrate and It's a great day to be clean to everybody else. I am getting to a place where it's ok that my relationship is over. We talked, some very painful shit was shared and in the end i was like ok cool. I am tired of all this shit - maybe its finally sinking in that God is going to have His way regardless of what I do. I also understand that nothing I say or do can change matters. So I went over toher place and watched the kids open gifts, then we took a ride together (with the kids) then we went to my place and had sex. It was good too. Not just the sex but the whole thing. We resolved to have sex whenever and for as long as it's convenient and appropriate (to us). I told her that I won't be seeking it out, she will have to initiate the act more than she has been. She agreed. I made a decision to move on.
Just for today even hard headed mules like me can eventually see the writing on the wall. Today i am able to make decisions (although sometimes those decisions are already made by life) and I can become ok with them.

Ain't That A Bitch...

Ok so I did a pretty good job of not calling "her" today. Then she sends me a text message, i respond, and the next thing you know we're going back and forth message after message. I'm thinking to myself 'well she started it and i'm just responding' right ? So that was ok with me until I start wondering why all of a sudden is she being so nice to me? Is she feeling guilty because she has done something bad ? I don't fuckin' know what to think or feel. I know that I don't want anymore pain or misery that's all. So I called her and told her that if she is seeking out another relationship or friendship with a male (or any other behavior that she wouldn't have engaged in while we were together) then I would prefer that she just leave me alone. She has told me that she isn't interested in anyone else, on more than one occasion.
So who do i think i am to make statements like these to her ? I'm me dammit. And besides... we still see each other a little bit. We had dinner and hung out at the mall the other day, sex a few days before that, still have keys to each others vehicles, i still have a key to her house, i'm invited to christmas at her house. This doesn't mean we're together - but it does give me a reason to keep hope alive. I am trying to play my cards right. But she did go and seperate our bank accounts. And she insists that she wants to be single. All in all i am still not feeling good about things and i guess i'm developing a whole new set of feelings like maybe i'm playing the fool. maybe i should stick to my guns and let this gaping wound heal. maybe holding on is a waste of time that is going to lead to further pain. I feel conflicted. of course i wish things were different, but they're not. i really don't like the fact that i'm starting to think that maybe God's will for me is to leave her alone. I am even more terrified by the thought that i might grow to the point where i don't even want the relationship back. right now i can't imagine not being in that relationship (that's odd considering that i'm not in the relationship presently) AND i honestly think that i might be developing a deepening resentment from every time i think about how much i have hurt right in her face, pleaded with her and begged forgiveness and she just turned and walked away. On the one hand I respect the courage and determination necessary for her to do that but on the other hand i think that when somebody loves you they don't stand by and watch you hurt. they may hurt you on accident (i'm the poster boy for that dumb-shit) but i never looked a friend in the eye and consciously hurt them or watched as they hurt. but all in all i understand that - when a person's done - they're done.
Just for this moment, if things don't change soon on her part then i suspect they will have no choice but to change on my part, and right now that is a sad commentary in my opinion. But God is still good no matter what.
Peace.

Geeeee-Zuz !

Its been almost 24 hours since I have dialed her number. I don't think you hear me. I said almost TWENTY FOUR HOURS ! I didn't think i could make it this far. I guess I really didn't, not alone anyway. Thank you God and my support people. I pray that I can go on for the duration of today, then tomorrow I will try to re-committ to this plan. She called me once for some directions and I was civil. I didn't bring up anything or ask any questions or try to be really cool or act cold and indifferent. I just gave her the help that she requested and I got off the phone. Almost like what normal people do (I think).
Anyway, surprisingly enough I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. Maybe this will pass. I am trying not to think that "if i do this then she will miss me and come back" no! I ain't trying to fall into that trap either. I have simply had enough pain. I don't want to add to it. I wanted to ask about my sons today but I concluded that if i don't take time to work on me (which may involove a few days or a week of non contact) then i won't be any good to them anyway. My mind has been so distracted that when I am around them - I'm not really fully there. So out of love for me I ned to take care of me so that I can be available for them and everyone else to whom I may someday have the opportunity to assist.
God help me - this day is almost done. My disease is working overtime.
Just for this moment - I do believe that I can and will survive this thing.

Hold me now...

Today I awakened to discover that God has given me another chance at life. Today I want to live it. I am clean & relatively healthy. I have friends, family and many blessings for which I am truly grateful. I worked third shift last night and slept too long to attend church service this morning, but that's ok. I can still pray and meditate today. God is good and He is available.
Well about 20 minutes into my day i get a phone call from an in-law. It was an innocent enough call (inquiring about her PC that I am currently reparing) in the course of the conversation my "EX's" name was mentioned along with some of her plans for the day. Now mind you I asked about my "brother in law" and the rest of the information was just innocently given. Well that caused my stomach to just drop to the floor. I feel suddenly sad. My mind considers that I won't be seeing her or the rest of the family. Christmas is quite a bit lonelier this year.
Now as this depression begins its grip on me - I struggle to write this entry. I resolve that today me & God will get through. I will not call. I won't even answer the phone if "she" calls. I am done with it. The contact. The conversations. All of it. For a time. I have to allow myself to find freedom and I do not believe that i can achieve this as long as I continue to re-open the wound on a daily basis. I believe that there is NO alternative to the pains of withdrawal. It is something that must be felt & dealt with. As much as I "want to" continue acting out (be it through phone calls, visits, etc.) I "need to" let go & let GOD !
This is the only way out. It will possibly, no probably be uncomfortable at at times; but i resolve to curl up in the fetal position as needed. Holding on to my God and myself until the crisis passes. I am going to turn on my inspirational music now & recite some positive affirmations, pray & meditate. I will also attend a meeting, call someone who I might be able to give some support to, call my sponsor, and just feel what i need to feel and do what i need to do to get through this.
Just for today... I know that all feelings eventually pass and DAMMIT I'm going to do all that I can to not interfere with the process. Just for today I will Hold On To Hope. Just for today I ask God to hold on to me.
Peace and happy holidays to all.

Am I an idiot or what ?

Ok its confession time again. I guess I doing it here is as good a place to do it. I have been guilt of acting out in the midst of this 'storm'. I have been guilty of numerous instances of disrecpect and the worst of which is the time that I showed up at her house unannounced while she was asleep wanting to know why she had stood me up and not even bothered to call me (not the first time she's done it this week either) anyway i have a key so i let myself in and she & I talked. then i apologized for doing it and she apologized for being in considerate and wouldn't you know the very next day she did the same thing to me and i went right back over to her house and let myself in again 'wanting to talk'. That shit is freakin nuts, and I know it. it's been a few days and i haven't had the desire to do it again and i believe that i have made a committment not to ever do that stalker shit again. God help me.
So we had a date today and 'as usual these days' shit didn't work out as planned - to my disappoinment. she really doesn't seem to mind letting me down, even though i explained to her that she's treating me in a way that she wouldn't want to be treated and she agreed - but she continues to do the same shit again and again.
And it really sucks ! I know it's all my fault - i keep volunteering for the madness, but dammit i am willing to put up with some crap to get her and my family back together again. So why am I complaining? Cuz i'm a fuckin' idiot.
That's the best I can come up with. I embarrass myself by pouting and asking a thousand questions, trying to convince and manipulate. whew - i feel like a hot mess sometimes. but on the bright side i have been doing all the necessary things for my recovery. including this: writing about my feelings. I believe that she unconsciously is trying to screw my over as an expression of her hurt, pain and anger. after all i did betray her trust by talking to another woman (not dating, or having sex with... just talking) so at any rate the baby in me continues to have his say so periodically, but...
Just for today... that little asshole didn't rule my world. For the most part I did a fine job today, I did minimal collateral damage today. I got into a solution of sorts quickly, I felt better very quickly (THANK YOU GOD !) and I still ain't going to get high behind none of this shit.
Today I claim the victory.
Peace.

Oh Well...

...it is what it is and it ain't what I want it to be. But there's not a damn thing that I can do to change things... "oh well". The solution seems simple enough: get over it, let it go and move on right? Too bad I don't allow my life to be as easy it that. Too bad I have to continue to try and exert some control over the situation. Too bad I'm powerless and refuse to act like it. Too bad that during 'crunch-time' I act like I don't trust God and His ability to handle this situation. Too bad that I want what I want, when I want it - to a fault. Yep, too bad. Too bad for me, because all I've been doing is prolonging & worsening matters (maybe). Too bad that I am going through the worse feelings that I have felt in the few years that I have been clean.
On the flip side though; (and I thank God for the flip side and my ability to recognize that there is one), I have been "doing" fine - despite my "feelings". I haven't stopped attending meetings, going to work, showing up for my children, being respectful (for the most part) toward my EX. I have been answering my phone for my sponsees and friends & family whether it's a call with concern for me or someone with an issue of their own. I haven't run into another relationship seeking comfort (thank you God!), started a spending spree, an eating frenzy, gambling, or anything other void filling activities. And thank you God that I haven't found myself in a bitter place very often (and when I go there I don't stay long).
The cherry on top this morning is that I have not had the desire to use drugs. For some reason that hasn't crossed my mind as being a solution to anything. Logically I know this but it's just noteworthy & praiseworthy that my '12 step training' is holding fast in the midst of what appears to be "the storm of the century".
What I am learning so far: That I am loved. That I am imperfect. That I am ok. That shit happens whether I want to to or not. That God is good. That recovery happens. That things can ALWAYS be worse. That I can always put my hand to something and make it worse. That this too shall pass.
Just for this moment: Life is indeed worth living.
Peace.

Another day another...

Day by day i move forward. I haven't laid down and died yet and i don't think that i will. Whew ! Thank you God for strengthening me through this ordeal. Thank you for surrounding me with your prescence, with your angels & spokespersons. Everyone who has talked to me, prayed for me, sat with me & cried with me - thanks from the bottom of my heart - i promise to try and be of service to the next person who will come behind me. Today I thank God for this experience - not that I am glad to have felt the pain, nor am I glad that I have caused harm - but I am grateful for the clarity and the growth that I am experiencing as a result of. I see my life and my Higher Power much diferently now. I even look at my recovery differently. Today i understand that either God is or He ain't. That trusting Him is not easy but it's not as hard as I want to believe that it is either. That by trusting in Him I have nothing to fear. I also understand that complancency can set in in a relationship just like in recovery. I understand that sometimes a relapse can be the jarring experience that brings about a more rigorous application of my program and this applies to my relationships as well as my recovery. I understand that for as much as I have grown - I have not arrived and...
Just for today I have work to do if I want to receive the rewards of a life filled with serenity & God's love.
P.S. Just an update: my relationship is still gone. After numerous discussions I have surrendered to the fact that I am powerless. I am not at all happy about this but I am grateful for the many many blessings in my life today and for my life. I won't question God's decisions anymore. I am not done hurting, but fool that I am - I continue to hope, even though it's been said that all hope is gone. Maybe in time I will learn to let that go to. All i know is that I am going to take continue to take the awesome suggestions that I have received from my friends in both fellowships (Irish Friend - I love you!)
Once again the message is hope - that I ain't gotta use DOPE no matter what, come HELL, HIGHWATER or the breakup of the best relationship that I've ever had in my life.
Peace.

In too deep...

i dont know if i'm crazy or what but i want to just fucking kill myself. i am not dealing with this shit well at all. i am not coping well. i am stuck in a place where shit just hurts too much. it will go away only to return again. i am too damn tired. i don't want any more. i give up. this is some bullshit. it ain't supposed to feel like this, love aint supposed to fucking kill your spirit like this. i ain't grateful for shit right now and i really don't care too much for life in general at this point... and its all a bunch of fucking stupiid shit - i gave my imperfect all to a person, now i'm like a fucking nobody and a nothing to them - i just want to fucking scream but what damn use will it do me - nothing will help - nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing... i hate life and i hate myself and i really hate this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seven, Eight, Nine...

The fight was fixed. He must've had a horse-shoe is his glove or something cause every one of his punches hurt like crazy. After taking round after round of this insane beating i find myself lying on the canvas. looking up at a room thats spinning too fast to recgnize it. i hear the referee counting off numbers along with voices of others screaming for me to stay down. The voice in my head insists that i get up and try again. That voice doesn't care that i can only open one eye and that i can't feel my legs - it can't care, all it knows is keep going. I think i must've gotten my mind from the Energizer Bunny.
Fortunately I am so tired, so damn dog-tired that i am almost unable to heed the call to battle again. In my heart of hearts i hope that i can just give up, i hope that i can just surrender. I hope that i am too hurt to try again. Through the pain comes the clarity - everytime i put my hand to this situation i seem to add to my own misery, not to mention what i may be doing to others.
God help me. That has become my mantra. The sum total of all the i am and know throught this recovery process: just a humble power man asking for the help that only the God of my understanding can give.
it's so ironic, that i have to hold back my twisted laughter. ironic that i have on many many occasions asked God for the power. The power to carry out His will. Today i stand before the throne asking for to power to accept my powerlessness. the power to just stay down. the power to just relax and let the referee continue his count...
Just for today - i can stop fighting and let God do His thing no matter how terribly frightening that can appear to be.

Arms Getting Tired...

I been kickin and scratchin and fighting with all I have inside of me. I don't want to lose - not this time. SO even though I grow weary I fight on and on...
Man this ain't workin', not at all, not this way. I know it's not working but i continue on this insane path (same thing, results gotta be different this time right?- wrong!) bad part is i know its nutso to keep callin, beggin, cussin, reasonin, etc. but i am rationalizing the most outrageous nonsense to myself - and of course i keep falling for it and i keep getting hurt. i'm the set up artist and the fall guy all in one. At this point, i wouldn't even want to get back together with me.
"i'm pretty pathetic" i think to myself. but then i immediately think "no i'm just in love and people in love never give up on each other" it never, ever occurs to me that when i say 'people in love' i'm talking about a plural word that represents more than one persons involvement. when there aren't at least two people involved in the 'love' affair then it's sort of unhealthy, almost like being a stalker or at best a nuisance.
I am growing thank God. slowly but surely. Today for the most part i wasn't miserable. i had my moments and however short-lived they were they hurt intensely.
my disease wants me to think that my whole day sucked when it reality it didn't. i laughed and actually had some fun today - thank you friends, fellowship and God.
tonight as i write this i am struggling with calling her -damn i want to so badly and i ain't promising that i won't but right now, i'm not going to. she said she might call me tonight but she didn't but oh well that's life.
also i need to confess that i haven't been the nicest person and she's not the devil or evil bitch - we're both just people and we're both having our own individual processes, my process isn't any more "correct" than hers is. so i guess i should act like a person in love by showing some respect for where she's at and what she wants to do with her life. i have learned a few things today (on a much deeper level) i learned that trusting God isn't alway easy, i learned that powerlessness means NO POWER so cut it out trying to exert some POWER or control over the situation. I learned that i better get busy working on me, keping the focus on me, that GOD has a plan for me, He's allowing me to go through this for a reason, the only way to get through this is to go through this feeling it all the way, life on life's terms aren't always easy and are in fact sometimes AWFULLY painful, that I need to pray for everybody, and right now more than ever before I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF AND REAFFIRM MY COMMITMENT TO LOVING... ME !
Just For Today: I have every reason to be grateful. I better keep rreminding myself of that. I ain't using so i have a chance to learn and grow from this - if i am willing to do the work. And tonight the WORK is "not calling her".
Please GOd giveme the stregth - you know that I am so very tired of fighting.
Y'all pray for me. thanks.

So this is normal hunh ?

Wel its been shared with me that all these things i'm feeling are normal. The emotions that range from sad to who cares to angry to i don't know what i'm feeling. This is supposedly all part of the grieving process and it is normal. Funny, it feels anything but normal. I am very uncomfortable. I just keep sharing and sharing - i'm so sickof sharing that i just want to spit ! Anyway this morning; after experiencing the entire gamut of feelings and emotions all night long (working 3rd shift again) it looks like i am starting my day off on a note of self-pity and anger. I had to humble myself and ask for some necessities from my "EX" (i guess i can surrender and say it). She was cool about it - she always is very cool about everything (i guess that kinda bothers me, because as my life goes coo-coo for cocoa puffs - she's all calm and cool without an APPARENT care in the world) oh well - it is what it is. Anyway i just felt like a super-bum. i hate feeling like this but its cool - it could be worse. wouldn't life be so nice if one had time to prepare for everything that happens. i guess that ain't how this thing works. But i do know one thing - no matter what i still ain't going to use. and no matter what obstacle crosses my path - i will endure it and survive it - Drew will rise again, no doubt in my mind. I am feeling a little better everyday. and i truly in my heart believe that...
Just for today, i'll get by with a little help from my friends & God.
Thank you God - I am grateful for the time that she and I have shared, some good things come to an end - i don't want to disrespect the memories that are real and good and mine. I am also grateful that i don't anticipate any baby-momma drama from her, as long as i handle my business i think she's a class act - classy enough to respect my relationship with my son and to not do anything to harm it.

Ooooooh Well....

As i see it there are two different worlds: one world is the world of the talk. The one where we share real good about what we'll do in any given situation. This world is great because it can be whatever we say it is and we can always look good, intelligent, profound, highly spiritual and all that good stuff - ok so you're following me so far right? Good. Now there's the other world, some call it the Real World, it's what happens when the rubber meets the road - when shits happening to YOU. Difficult situations that truly test your metal.
I have discovered that these two worlds dont always match up. In other words the talk doesn't always match the walk - in any given situation that causes me to be stressed, hurt, angry, etc.
I know that I don't have to use, despite my feelings. I know that in a stressfull situation I am entitled to feel whatever i have to feel. I dont need to be embarrassed about my feelings, i am not going through this alone. This is a we program - i have friends that have all come rallying to my aid. Thank you NA & thank you God. Yeah today I can thank God even though I am still feeling the pain. I can see once again that God is in the best position to lead me to where i NEED to be. And i have faith thats a far better place than where i WANT to be. I know now that I have screwed up thinking and left to my own devices I would willingly enter into some chaotic madness and then stay there til the very bitter ends. This is not a sideways stab at my relationship - this is just the truth as it relates to relationships and situations of every kind. When the program says that we never have to do this alone - it means that i don't have to keep screwing up my life by trying to figure everything out all by myself.

Out of Control & embarrassed...

God i keep asking for your help & I can't always understand what you're waiting for or what you're doing if anything - then sometimes things happen and i understand. This is one of those times when i don't understand or don't want to accept what you're showing me or allowing to happen to me.
I just want my relationship back - do you hear me ? I want it back and better than it was before. I know that i'm probably in big time conflict with my third step but i really don't care right now. I can't stand this shit anymore. when can enough be enough? why can't this shit be happening to somebody else.
i guess i sure am hating life right about now.
I can't stop hurting, I can't stop being a pain in HER ass. I wish i could just stop talking to HER, pestering, trying only to end up feeling like a wounded animal; embarrassed and angry.
I think i have lost control - and i feel like i may be losing my mind as well.
I was not the perfect guy. I did my share of dumb things - but i can't get no forgiveness and this really sucks.
Maybe its just time for me to grow up and get on with my life.
I wish i could just push a button and have my feelings pass then i think surely i'd go. If SHE wants me gone then so be it.
Unfortunately in the world of recovery there aint no magical easy way out - just gotta feel and deal.
i wish somebody would please show me how to cope with this situation, because i haven't a clue and i have tried everything i know to try. i can not accept this pain, i dont want to accept that our relationship is over.
just for today - i realized that i don't always want to be in God's will - sometimes i just want what i want - and when i act this way i usually get something more than i bargained for. ouch.

God Help Me

This morning I am once again asking for God to show me the way and give me strength to stay on His path. I ask this because even though I think I know what's best for me, in any given situation all I really know is what I want. I ask for the power because even if I do get a clue about what is best - I will still often times pursue what I want. This "self-centered" shit is a bitch.
Lately the World Class Roller-Coaster which I call: 'my emotions' has taking me into the wonderful world of "I am starting to fucking hate this evil cold hearted bitch!" This may sound drastic, but these are MY feelings. Due to some unfortunate turn of events - I have been very politley asked to relocate my person & belongings immediately - which is not all that bad considering I wanted to do that anyway (in an effort to rekindle an appreciation and re-dedication to our relationship; which was obviously on the ropes. well that shit really back-fired because now SHE wants me to go - no talk of working to repair things, just some fucking crap about wanting to be single. Bitch. There's things that needed to be addressed here; like why we made agreements to improve things that aren't being honored, resulting in our continuing to stay stuck in a bullshit place in our relationship. Promises made but not kept. Issues discussed and solutions proposaed and yet never honored. And people wonder why things aren't improving. Maybe its because I/we lack the ability to just accept the shit I/we really can change but are too lazy and selfish to change. Yeah well what-the-fuck ever.
But that's not the worst of it; I think the worst is the fact that I have been accused of "dragging her self-esteem through the mud"?!?!? I guess I did that when I kept bringing grown up discussions to the table - topics concerning money management, our strategy for raising children & keeping house. Yeah I am very fucking guilty of wanting to improve in those areas - cut my fucking throat for wanting to be able to actually save money, raise kids that are respectful, responsible and obedient; oh and you might as well shoot me for wanting to have a clean, presentable home with nice things in it too, cuz i sure am guilty of trying to discuss that topic too. To the best of my recollection I never called her an 'idiot', 'dumbass', moron, or any other derogatory name; nor have I hit her or hardly ever cussed her out. I believe my crime has been to bring these subjects up - time and again as years rolled by and we continued to not grow in these areas.
Yeah i guess i was the fucking bad guy - i feel like if this is who SHE is then SHE could've revealed this bullshit to me a long time ago and saved me some heartache - fucking bitch.
I know i must sound awfully bitter - because i feel awfully bitter. I dont know what else to feel.
Maybe my feelings aren't matching up to the situation - but when you add to the equation the fact that here I am in the end, packin up my shit into a few bags and leaving this place to go sleep on somebody's (couch, floor or whatever) and without any money - I struggle not to think about how fucking unfair life can be.
Yeah I said NO money ! WHy don't we have ANY money ? I don't know, I didn't ask - it ain't the first time, probably won't be the last time - maybe Christmas has something to do with it ? How fucking ironic. AT any rate she ain't talking about it & I guess that makes her feel better - I don't want to talk about it - after all I don't want to 'drag her self-esteem' through the mud any more than I already have. Fucking Bitch.
Although I might sound hateful, i'm not. i'm just trying to share honestly so that i can heal. i haven't been rude or in any way disrespectful - on the contrary I have been fucking beggin her to reconcile - just agree to maybe work on fixing what has been in need of fixing - things like maybe trying something new, keeping promises, honoring committments - dumbshit like that - even while I agree to move out BROKE, but all i get in return for my efforts, begging and pleading is a bunch of cold, non-chalant, rejection. Like I am some type of stray pet found on the street that just isn't working out. No wait - i don't even get treated that good because we, i mean SHE picked up a stray (despite my suggestions to get a clean pet from the Anti-Cruelty Society) a pet that was stinking up our entire house and scratching all the time - SHE hasn't managed to give up on that little fucker yet, just me. Maybe the damn cat is just a little smarter than me - after all the cat never asks why things aren't improving or any other tough question that might make a person take a look at their behaviors. And some people have the nerve to call them dumb animals. I think that description fits me better.
Anyway here we are - me: feeling like a discarded piece of shit, being politely disposed of as my period of usefulness has passed. SHE still not talking, expressing herself, verbally communicating - even though we agreed years ago that that was something that NEEDED working on. SHE was supposed to comment on my blog (last week) it would've been nice for me to hear a response; but i guess it wasn't "comfortable" for HER - oh well fuck me, fuck progress, fuck growth & fuck every God-damn thing in life except what is fucking "comfortable" for HER! because God forbid She might feel that her fucking "self-esteem" is being damaged.
Just for today - this is some fucking bullshit, i fucking hate life, i fucking hate her, i fucking want to just curl up into a ball and die. I never saw this coming - nobody fucking warned me, nobody raised a fuss - oh but let her want to get her fucking nails done and i would've heard a ruckus. I think about all this shit and all i can thin to myself is:
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
All in all God is good and things could be worse, i know that all my feelings aren't real, i know that feelings dont kill. i know that my joy comes in the morning. i know that God will see me through. I know that i must pass through this place in order to grow. I know that this too shall pass. i know that no matter what I don't have to use. I know that I am grateful that I have somewhere to go to get the help that I need. I know that its ok for me to scream, holler, cuss and yell right here on this blog - i can get free right here and never act out in real life. Thank you God for my life.

And I think we can make it...

Me & God that is...
Unbelievably I am not hurting as badly & I didn't die of a broken heart. Although I know the storm hasn't completely passed, I do know now that I will survive. I guess I always knew - I was just so hurt that I couldn't really grasp hold of the notion and embrace it. Thanks to God & many angels who stood firm and reminded me of what i needed to know, not necessarily what i wanted to hear... I am standing today. Grateful. Thankful. ENcouraged and ready to grow on with my life. I will not leave this place the same way that I entered it. That is my motto for my life today.
Just for today - I think that I love life and everything about it. Thanks for allowing me to share with you.
Peace.

As the wave passes over...

They say that painful situations such as grieving happens in waves. And they eventually decrease in intensity & frequency. Whew thank God for that. As I sit here not presently in the midst of a tidal wave of pain, self-doubt, hurt, anger, depression, self-pity, regret and hopelessness. I am able to see & accept that God's will is always best - not always enjoyable but look at how far He's brought me so far. I am ever so grateful for my experiences: The eye-opening agony of ending a long term relationship (never will i behave in the manner that I did with her, i will always try to show appreciation for my woman, bout time i learned that simple shit), I am out here in florida observing very happy couples who have been fortunate enough to have achieved long term joy together & i am seeing that in some ways I am doing a fine job but there are other areas that I can improve upon. If God sees fit to give me another chance at love whether with my ex or with someone new then you best believe I will live my life in such a way as to have no regrets. I am still holding on to a shred of hope that things will work themselves out - after all I am still Drew - the wonderful guy that stole her heart & helped to her along this road to recovery. Not that she owes me anything & not that our son together will be used as a bargaining chip - but I'm just saying that I can have hope if I want to. And just for today:
I ain't giving up hope. I will work on me & continue working on me & I believe that my light will shine and be an attraction for her to come on back home. If not then I will eventually gain some acceptance.
Peace

Dear God

I know you're listening but I can't feel you today. I know you're holding me up because without you I would surely have fallen. I wonder why things have to be hurtful in life and yet i know we need sunshine & rain for the flowers to grow. I know that this too shall pass but i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anywhere in sight. Please God keep me reminded as I stumble along today - don't let me do anything to worsen matters - Things could always be worse. I am grateful for what is, I just needed a moment to grieve over what isn't. I guess thats just my nature. Thank you God in advance for getting me through this storm. Thank you.

Take the mask off...

Yeah i better. I dont want to sound crazy or nothing but I am feeling lost. I just got the boot from my girl and i can't even see. I cant remember what a smile looks like. I hurt so bad that I can't think or feel. My breathing is irregular and i feel so tired. I think its taking a super-human effort to just stand on my feet and keep from screaming. Life as I know it now sucks ass. I hate when things are so shitty & screwed up that somebody else has the power to give and to take away my happiness. I mean completely disable my ability to feel joy. I want this to end now - I ain't gonna use, I ain't gonna use. I swear to God I ain't gonna use, but I do want to die.
Life now just really ain't shit anymore. I know all about finding gratitude & i do have gratitude for being able to explode on this blog. But i still am blinded by this awful pain and I just want it to please end - asap.
This is the moment when the rubber meets the road. When everything that i have learned & been practicing comes into play. I know things will get better - its just the holding on that is killing me.
I hope that this serves as a beacon of hope to anybody who may have, is or might in the future go through something like this - the message is hope, you aint never gotta use, not even when youre going through HELL.

SO NOW I'M IN FLORIDA ! whoopie...

COming from Ohio, this is definitely different, Palm trees, nice weather. Very beautiful scenery. Back home its snowy & a mess they tell me. So why do I feel like I left my smile back in Ohio ? Homesick ? After 2 short days ? Maybe. But i think that maybe it's because my girl told me upon my arrival that we should be on the splits. Yeah I know, I know what youre going to say: Dumbass you asked for this ! No I didn't just ask for it - I worked hard for it & now that its here - I want to fuckin' jump off the planet & cease to exist. All of a sudden, I can see the error of my ways - all the things that I should've done but didn't, all the things I did but shouldn't have. Funny how things become so crystal clear in hindsight. Needless to say - she is firm & nothing I can say or do will change that.
Reality Check: 1. I had some authentic concerns and reasons for wanting out of the relationship (even if only temporarily so that we could benefit from the shock factor) 2. I have some great qualities - I'm a good person, nobody can take that away from me. 3. I have great friends and support to help see me through this & I know that all feelings eventually pass.
Fantasy World: This shit sucks & it hurts, I feel rejected and like the worlds biggest loser. I fear that one of my buddies will be sleeping with her. I fear that my relationship with my 2 year old son will be greatly affected.
Life on Life's Terms: I am fucking powerless ! Not a damn thing that I can do will change any of this. I have been crying & praying, and then sometimes I pray & cry. But I ain't fucking using. I'm talking to people (which is weird because I am far from home with limited phone access.
The Disease: I want to screw my way through these feelings - anybody & everybody. Thats about as smart an idea as any idiot ever came up with. Sounds good but... even in the midst of this storm I somehow sense that that ain't a real spiritual idea.
Just for today: I can hold on, sometimes thats all I have in me to do - and don't use and maybe I can not act out and further complicate my life.
God is great - I just have to remember to accept His greatness

Good Times, Bad Times

Oh well the proverbial shit has hit the fan. My significant other periodically reads this blog so I have chosen to be "selective" about what I post. Especially topics which can be a little sensitive to her. Well due to an unfortunate turn of events I can get free now.
One: Our relationship has been in a very strained state lately. I believe that this is primarily because as we have grown and evolved in our recovery process (process of getting to know ourselves and growing up) we have grown in different directions at times. We each (as all couples do) have our various preferences - but in our case we have discovered that a chasm has developed between our respective belief systems with respect to finances, family, relationships, etc. This reality has presented us with serious challenges - which to our credit, we have been working on - and yet the end result has been, resentment, anger, disappointment and at times a pessimistic absense of hope. Such has been the story of my life of late. (I have been sharing with a few select individuals & my sponsor but my blog has certainly been neglected.)

Well I have learned that there is no bad situation that a drink, drug or bad decision can't make worse. In my case it was the latter. I started talking to another woman. Talking was the the furthest extent of it & yet there was boundary violation, betrayal of trust, dishonesty, disrespect, etc. that took place. I was guilty. And stupid. Then I got found out. Well things rapidly deteriorated from there. I apologized and went through all the corrective steps that I knew how to take - but you can't place expectations or time limits on other people's processes. So today we are still stuck in the madness. And its ok.

Timing played an important role in this calamity because we had already been talking about seperating when this indiscretion was uncovered. So the fire was now further fueled. Oh well.

Fast forward to today. I am looking to pack and move asap. There is tension in this house and I am indeed reminded of my powerlessness.

Beyond that I was complaining to my sponsor about missed appointments to go over my step-work and he promptly reminded me that while we're waiting that i could feel free to "live the program" seeing as I have worked all 12 steps already anyway. I thought that was a great idea - so i'm rededicating myself to steps 10, 11 & 12 (as well as the rest of them) on a daily basis.

My family and I are living with "her mom" and its been nothing short of crazy - adults who don't clean up behind themselves, a small house that is at times over-crowded - they keep in-laws over constantly spending the weekends, pets (a dog & a cat) running around, disrepectful kids and a variety of other issues which we had talked about before we moved here. Issues that i foresaw as potential trouble spots, issues which we had agreed to address. So far everything that we agreed on has not been honored. Which at times makes me feel like I have been completely bull-shitted by these people. (*when i say 'these people' i mean her mom & to a certain extent: her) But the sledge-hammer flavored icing on the cake has definitely been the fact that we moved here to help her mom (who was in dire straits financially) and also to allow ourselves an opportunity to save more money. Well as far as that goes: we haven't saved shit & in fact are spending more money here that when we were in our own 3 bedroom house. - Go figure.

All in all, shit has sucked in a major way in life & i have absolutely been depressed, and yet I haven't wanted to use (not drugs that is) but as all this crap reaches a head - and i am preparing to move. I feel a new found sense of hope that maybe the sun will soon be rising off in the horizon. Eventually. We aren't breaking up -per se- we are just going to be living in different places.

We have been talking about things and new resolutions have been made & maybe (just maybe) this time we'll stick to our plans. Maybe we won't. Only we individually have the power to change ourselves and only God really knows how this will turn out but...
JUST FOR TODAY: I ain't getting high, I'm grateful that through it all I haven't used any drugs and thanks to my fellowship, sponsor and friends - I haven't had to walk this path alone. God is good and recovery is the shit ! If you didn't know - you better ask somebody.
Peace.