Current Events... feedback wanted

Since last I blogged I've interviewed for a job. I had one interview that I blew off because i really didn't want to be 'tied down to a job'. I'm still holding on to the dream that I can become independently wealthy with my tee shirt business (hahaha). After a couple weeks I came to and called the job and asked for a second chance. I called maybe twice a day for a week before i finally prayed for help, breathed a sigh of relief (quiet surrender) and then within an hour someone from the job called me. I did very good on the interview (despite it being my first in years) and I should be hearing from them soon (after the background check and drug screen). Despite this good news I haven't called in on my present job (which I don't really like) at the local detox and in fact I have been working every available shift in order to bring in extra money. (look at me trying to be responsible!)

I also found a very nice bluetooth earpiece on the ground in a parking lot near my home and i quickly put it in my pocket. I hooked it up to my phone and it worked great (i have two that are broken) after a couple days i decided to put up a sign at the store where i found it, offering the owner an opportunity to claim his property. (conscience wouldn't let me just keep it).

I have a major event this weekend (NA Convention) in a neighboring state and I have a great group of guys joining me - we should have a lot of fun and make a nice profit. I believe that God is performing good works in my life.

I have been answering calls on the crises line lately and I am concerned with the number of people who are calling because they just need someone to talk to. I think that loneliness is such a difficult thing for people to deal with. Whether you're a person in recovery, or someone with a mental illness, elderly or even a "normal" person. I had this bright idea that I'd like to bounce off anybody that just happens to be still awake after reading this much of my boring crap. I want to see what it would take to creat a "Phone Line". The kind where people can call in and chat with each other - no sex, no hooking up, just a vehicle for bored people to kill time talking to other bored people. If people meet each other - that's on them but this line wouldn't be marketed for that kind of stuff. I think it'd be great and maybe there's some government funds or some rich do-gooder out there who'd be interested in financing it. Anyway, that's my bright idea of the month - anybody got feedback?
Just for today, God is sooooooooo good, especially when I let Him be.
Peace

Let's get honest...

Ever struggle with a behavior that has truly got your number? I mean post alcohol and drugs behaviors like eating, shopping, sex, gambling, etc. ? I'm not talking about 'having a difficult time getting a handle on my acting out'; I am talking about 'dammit i can't fuckin' stop to save my life & it's making me feel like shit'. Well if you have experience in that area then you know how I feel at times. My disease loves situations like that because it's always waiting in the wings - yelling non-supportive things like "you fraud, you share real good about how you've got a handle on drugs and you try to give hope and inspiration to others and yet look at you now" or the ever-popular: "Where's your Higher Power now?" I have a cold disease. Ruthless and without an ounce of pity or mercy. My disease is so opportunistic and patient. Always waiting around for any crack in my armor - looking to drive a stake right into my heart. Bastard ! But thats cool because that's his job. He has his job and I have mine. I still have the advantage because I know that's what he's going to do - I just forget to expect it sometimes. It's almost comical how he's always running up saying the same old tired negative bull-shit and I almost always bite (even if only momentarily). Round and around we go I guess. But... just for today: once again mister disease (I have to resort to one of my old familiar phrases) you can kiss my ass. I know your game plan and I know your tactics - I refuse to listen to you. You're just a distraction - keeping me from focusing on the solutions. Thank God for my 12 step program which in my opinion is a sort of "living life for dummies" program (no offense to any dummies in denial) This program takes all the guess work out of living life. I'm not saying that it supplies all the answers to life - I am saying that it gives a set of healthy suggestions/directions that help me along the way.
Peace

Blah , blah, blah...

Once again life is starting to seem monotonous and boring. I'm doing the same things day in - day out and it's not all that exciting anymore. Same meetings, same family, calling the same people,i think even eat the same foods over and over again. This has got to be an illusion but it seems so real. I have worked hard to create this comfort zone and somewhere along the way it has become a prison of sorts. I have got to break free. I need some life in my life. I think i better start doing something different, but where do i start ? Just for today- I have some praying to do, some decisions to make and some action to take.
Peace.

6 Feet From The Edge...

Whew, yesterday's gone - thank God! The day was a mess from the start: I was to be at an event out-of-town at a certain time and (as usual) I was running a few hours late. That has become my M.O. and its really no problem nobody complains and I am getting acceptance. Anyway I picked up my business partner who was in such a spiritual funk that after a few hours of hearing all about it it started wearing on me. I wanted to just say "fuck it, man - do whatever you think you should do and shut the hell up talking to me" but of course I didn't. So I finally arrive at my function and it is so slow (as in financially unrewarding) - I was grateful that I wasn't the one in the funk and also that I was able to meet, fellowship and have fun with some really nice people. Next my partner who has recently been suspected of relapsing takes off to smoke a cigarette and stays gone 30 minutes - which really bothered me because that is very atypical of him especially considering that he just up & left several times. So here I am considering the relapse accusations based on this abnormal behavior. Denial seemed to be a more comfortable alternative. So the day drags on - the conversation between he and I was strained and not-flowing as it usually does and this further drives me into a state of isolation from him (i'll just mind my own business and keep busy). At this point I get aggrivated because I notice that we neglected to pick up some vital supplies and I now have to find a supplier in a strange town across state lines. I get into the solution, get directions and take me "map-lexic" butt out on the road. I drive ten minutes in the right direction get confused turn around and drive 10 minutes in the wrong direction, surrender, pull into a gas station, get directions again and eventually make it to my destination where I promptly purchsed some very over-priced, but needed items. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that it was drizzling pretty heavily and my windshield wipers decided to stop working and i ALMOST HIT another car. I was so close that it really frazzled me. Thank God for cell phones because I needed to call and talk to somebody ASAP! So I am pretty upset now, wondering how in the hell we are going to get home 2 and a half hours away with no wipers in the rain - when suddenly the wipers start woking again - Thank You God ! So I return the the event and my partners still wierd but at this point - who cares, I am committed to having a good time and making whatever money there is to make here. And it turns out to be an ok day. Time to go, packing up our supplies and heading out. No wipers and the rain is coming down harder now. God please. I pull over and jiggle the darn things - they work for a bit and then stop and I pull over again. At this point I am tired, it's been a very long day and I still have a long drive to get back home. I am praying, I am trying to think positive. I try to just drive with no wipers and it is a nightmare. My partner decides that now would be a good time to laugh out loud (which in retrospect I can understand, but at the time it just further annoyed me). So I finally get the wiper in such a position that I can push it with my hand while driving - if that sounds nuts - you shoulda seen me, swerving, cussing and praying with a couple hour drive ahead of me. Well to make a long story somewhat shorter - we made it home, I prayed and the wipers would occassionally miraculously work then they would stop and I would push them again. This pushing effect only half worked and sometimes it didn't work at all, but we kept going. The rain finally slowed down and I eventually developed what I'd like to call "rain/blur vision" where I could kinda see well enough to just calm down and drive. I understand that I play a part in the whole disaster - I knew my partners history of relapse and I also knew that my wipers were going bad and through my own irresponsibility I got what I got. I was so tired last night of praying, I was so tired of fighting my diease which was laughing at me saying where's your God now, I was just so damn tired but I did not succumb. I am very grateful to have made it home safe & sound I really contemplated kissing the muddy sidewalk when i exited my car. I am not confused that even though God may not perform in the way that I choose and hope for - He does perform. Just for today - I better take care of my business and not let procrastination and wishful thinking determine the course of action in my life - like they say "if it ain't practical, it ain't spiritual"
Peace.

Don't Even Say It...

Thank God that I have learned the value of not always saying what I want to say. I have avoided causing many harms to myself and others by simply remembering that silence is sometimes golden. Just this week alone I almost accused my wife of cheating on me (based on a very random and unsubstantiated thought just fell into my head), I almost told my sponsor that he was a screw up for cancelling my step-work appointment, I was really on the verge of telling certain people in the meeting to shut the fuck up tonight - it was the ones who don't attend regularly, don't work steps, chronic relapsers who want to share their "experience, strength and hope" with others in the meeting, it was also the ones in the meeting who believe that God can't get the message out without their help (they never have an issue of their own & yet they have experience in everybody elses issue) - personally, I call them the "full-of-shitters", but it's cool; it takes all types to make a world. Then there's the crack-pots - the ones who did a little too much this or that and aren't all there mentally but love to share at every meeting (one guy told me that there was a body in the bathroom of the meeting today, this same guy regularly tells me that he's Jesus Christ) he's cool, but I can't stand that he's always in the mood to share with the group. Needless to say I wasn't feeling very patient or tolerant today but thank God I can sit my ass down, shut up and listen. Today I was very priviledged to hear something that was really spiritually uplifting, which brought me back to the sanity of being grateful that i am not one those wonderful people. I am also grateful for the awareness that i have my issues & they have theirs and nobody's better than anybody else. Just For Today I am striving to be ok with me
and other people just where we are.

Real funny, ha...ha...

Somebody has a real nice sense of humor it seems. I changed sponsors a few months ago because our schedules weren't meshing and I was stagnating in my stepwork. So I made the decision and chose a new sponsor who is already a really good friend (15 years clean, soft-spoken, knowledgeable and very supportive). So now I got this new sponsor and I immediately begin procrastinating on my step-work. After a while I got busy and finally finished my first step (not for the first time by the way) and we made an appointment to go over it. Now wouldn't you know... my new sponsor and I have had to reschedule the appointment about 5 times. I can't say that I am really angry, disappointed or anything like that. I know that I have to look at the part that I play in this situation - I chose this guy. When I really think about it, this shouldn't have even surprised me. I've known this man for a few years and even though we talk on the phone alot, I realize that we talk primarily while he's at work. He's a truck driver and when he's on the road he has plenty of time. When he's not on the road he rarely has time at all. This has always been the case - I just never looked at it. So now that this is happening I've come to realize that maybe I believed that he would be different when it comes to sponsorship/step-work. And maybe he will in time, I'm not really impatient (right now). It's been less than a month that we've been trying to get together. Anyway in my sickest thinking - I feel like maybe I gotta go find another sponsor. But JUST FOR TODAY: I don't have to act on everything that I think or feel. I can have the maturity to weigh out all sides of a situation before choosing how I will act/respond to it. I just can't help feeling a little dumb for dropping one sponsor for being too busy, only to pick up another who is the same way.