Ever had the feeling that maybe the disease you're suffering from is simply retardation? If you have, then you are not alone. Today was one of those days for me. Out of the blue I just found myself suddenly realizing that the reason I stay so stressed out over my kids is because I HAVE TO watch after them, which means that I can't be doing some other thing that I WANT to be doing. ANd this (believe it or not) has been going on for about 18 months now. No shit - I finally figured that one out. I had been trying and trying to squeeze in my WANTS when it was time to take care of my NEEDS. Poor prioritizing of my time contributed to the situation but mostly it was a simple case of "Hey I want to do this & I want to do this right now" I even go as far as convincing myself that this thing that I WANT to do is a MUST. If that ain't insane then I don't know what is. Simple enough that even a blind man could see it right? Yep, but not me. Makes me feel kinda scared. I start wondering just deep does my stupidity, denial, retardation... insanity run? But... JUST FOR TODAY- it's ok. I am grateful that 10 more years didn't pass before I became aware. I am grateful that everytime I become aware (no matter how personally embarrassing I may feel that it is) it is a victory and an opportunity to grow a little bit more. ANd I am definitely grateful that no matter what I am feeling - it's never a good idea to go and get loaded over it.
Peace
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2 comments:
the more i get to know my head, the more ? 'retarded' as you put it, it looks. I call it, petty, childish, pathetic, lazy, reptilian, 'cornered rat syndrome'. what Im trying to say is that it is NOT very sophisticated. no 'big' words for it. i thought getting to know my mind would be 'interesting' and ? academic or something. But instead it seems very basic and a bit petty and embarrassing. I can sort of see now why someone told me that I didn't need a therapist and I would do a much better job of it on my own. most of the time I see my outlook as very basic. an attempt to avoid 'grown up' things. stay a child, and shift the blame onto someone else. i think you get used to it after a while. but at the moment I am surprised at how petty and small the human condition is. Im sure i will reach a point where I have more compassion for this, but its a big disappointment to see it the way I do.
love your blog.just browsing thru and found it, keep it up!
it's inspiringly honest.
ps; put a link on my blog to make it easier for me to find u.
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