Growing Pains...

This week has been one of growth. This week has also been one of pain. Somehow I believe that there is a connection.
This week someone OD'd after 5 years clean. A friend. The lesson was that
1. He wasn't really working a program just being abstinent - I know that ther aren't any guarantees in life but Just for today I choose to hedge my bets and work a program - because I know that I'm not immune.
2. Death happens and sooner or later it will happen to someone I know and love. This week someone I know celebrated 18 months clean ! And they finally got off that Soboxone Drug ! They are doing alright too ! I love this guy and I am happy to know that he is doing fine. The lesson here is that some of us are going to stay clean and be alright - Thank God!
3. Somebody that I know and love is getting high again - they won't admit it and I could be wrong, but when four of your closest friends have al independently reached the same conclusion in the same one week period then maybe that's just a little bit too much "coincidence" for me. He is doing things that he 'normally' wouldn't do and basically his ass is using again. This will make his 4th time, each time almost reaching the 6 month mark and then falling off. The pattern is the same - Start off "Gung-Ho", start slacking, stop working his program, meet a girl and then BOOM, here comes the drugs. I want to lock hime in a closet and make him recover. I want to be able to do something more than what I have been doing, I don't want to be powerless. The lesson here is: I am powerless, it is what it is and it will be what it will be, all I can do is work on me and be available to help when asked. Staying clean isn't easy, I am grateful that I am holding on to the gift.
Another fiend of mine just celebrated 18 months clean ! and I was thinking: He doesn't work a program, no steps, meeting attendence sucks, sponsorship contact is at the absolute minimum. My mind told me that this guy was full-of shit. He asked me to present him with his medallion at a big meeting and I couldn't imagine what I was going to say that was good about him. But somehow at some point my spirit awakened to a whole new level: I finally came to realize that he was doing a fine job. He was staying clean dammit and that's what this thing is all about. There are people who attend meetings regularly and relapse, share real good in the meeting and relapse, do service work and relapse. When it's all said and done: staying clean must come first and without that nothing else matters. So i presented him and it was an awesome experience now I feel free to love him for who he is: a recovering addict on a journey just like me.
Just for today - Thank you God for the experience of living life with out the use of drugs - thank you for helping me to remain teachable.

Go Ahead, Punch A Wall !

You ever notice how some people can claim to be "happy with their lives & grateful for their blessings" and yet have a laundry list of complaints at the same time? How is this possible ? Well I will tell you how. Take me for instance, I woke up this morning to beautifully cloudy, gray skies, with kids who had woke up a little bit before me. I sometimes think of them as "nature's alarm clock". SO my day begins like most of my days: Wake up and hit the ground running (so to speak) 2 year old and 6 year old awake and hungry - no big deal right? Wrong the next thing my eyes sees is my bedroom in total disarray - YIKES ! I bear with it long enough to grab some clothes and then we head to the kitchen for breakfast. We manuever through an obstacle course of toys and shoes and whatever else lies in our path. Whew - this isn't exactly what I'd call the ideal morning but it's ok I guess. Yeah it's "ok" until we reach our destination - Is this the kitchen or is this a disaster area? Sink over-flowing with dishes, floor has a carpet of debris on it, table sticky and crumb-filled, trash over-flowing - FUCK! Now this ain't cool at all, but I still manage to find some gratitude because we do have Milk and cereal, some days, I have to make a store run. At any rate this scenario is my life - day in & day out. I manage to get the bedroom clean, the crap picked up, the kitchen clean and the kids fed and played with by the time my wife (and her mom) gets home from work around 4-ish. Despite the chaos that comes from having 2 boys (2 & 6) running around all day, I manage. I am very grateful for being able to be here for my kids and having a roof over our heads and food to eat as well as the few luxuries that we have. BUT... I am frustrated, disgusted, angry, depressed and feeling pretty hopeless at times. WHY ? Becuase I grew up in a very dirty house, with a mom who made messes and forced me to clean them daily for years (I have issues, yeah I know) But what also gets my goat is that I have communicated this to the other adults who reside here to no avail (I may get the response of someone picking up at the moment that I am trying to discuss the matter, but things only return to normal - immediately, not even 2 days later.) SO I'm kinda tired of whining to my sponsor about this and I refuse to share anyting like this on a group level, so here I am: sharing anonymously with YOU. I receive disability and so I am home all day and I believe that 'somebody' feels like these things are my job since they're going out and working 40 hours per week. (I like and need a clean environment to function and live in; therefore I clean, but I do get pissed when it appears that other's aren't even bothering to pick up behind themselves or directing the kids to pick up). I won't even mention total disorganzation that we call meal planning or managing our finances. I will mention that I do love my wife and family, but this has been stressing me out for years already and I am just about ready to SCREAM!
Just for today, I thank God that I am not using drugs and that my life isn't as bad as it could be, that my loved ones are all healthy and beautiful people - That recovery is possible and that Hope is found here.

Updates...

I been away from my blog-spot for a while now. I can explain: First of all, writing is a new thing for me. It was suggested and suggested and finally I said "oh well I guess I'll give it a try". I also tend to get uncomfortable with the whole process - either I think that I shouldn't write unless I have something 'interesting' to say (drama or something new and exciting happening in my life), or I tend to feel like "Damn, all I write about is drama" which starts me wondering if people will think I'm completely screwed up. Either way, I am never at a shortage of excuses to neglect my writing. But as usual I come to my senses and put my fingers to the keyboard once again.
So here's what's been up: I have decided to end my internet business - way too stressful. Doing too much primarily by myself for far too long, a few difficult months caused me too experience financial losses which of course created even more stress. Additionally I had a few people get on my case for screwed up orders (which bruised my sensitive ego and my need to people please). So after much struggle I decided to give myself a break. After all I do have a part-time job and a family to attend to. I also have a two full time job offers on the shelf (both nice).
Lately I have had a tremendous brainstorm of a business idea - I actually have a TEAM of highly qualified, experienced people who have bought into the concept and are hard at work helping me to develop it into the gold-mine that we believe it will be (no hints, just keep coming back, more will be revealed).
My love life is doing pretty good - still needs work but it's improving (I think, I can only speak for myself).
I have been working out and I have lost weight (giving a much needed boost to my self-esteem).
I've gotten back into my step-work and helping my sponsees with their step work and my meeting attendence has picked up. I have been sharing my pain and struggles with other recovering people - this has helped to relieve some of the pressure of holding things inside.
So basically things are changing and improving in my life.
Just for today, I am grateful for life and all that comes with it. After all I could be somewhere high (or dead) missing out on the whole experience. Thank you