Chicago Day One...

Everythings cool.

I keep forgetting...

Keep forgettin we're not in love anymore.
Not acceptin' that we are not together anymore.
Can't believe that I can't MAKE this right somehow.

I tried so hard to act as if i actually hard so damn sense, but i failed miserably.
I acted out in the exact same manner as i have on several occasions. DOING THE SAME THING AND HOPING FOR A DIFFERENT RESULT.
Anyhow, I made a decision to break away for a few days and head to chicago to enjoy the holidays with family and try to move on - its hard to leave and i don't believe this will be the magic cure for anything.

I been thinking about finding a "friend" to maybe distract myself - everybody says no don't do it. but i am getting pretty desperate these days for anything that might help. (besides it seems to be working for my EX)

At any rate; keeping the focus on me: I am heading out right now.
I'm taking my laptop (so that i can continue to write.)
I have long distance on my phone (so my sponsor and friends will always be near).
They have tons of meetings there so I can stay connected.
I even know some fellow members in that area so I'm already going to be in good hands.

Not to mention God.

He Is.

No matter where I am.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Thats the sound of sweet relief - which is what i am feeling now as i bare my soul and know that things are going to get better.

peace

Afternoon UPdate...

Still no tears...
i talked to the EX this morning and got some real clarity:
there will be no possible reconciliation in two weeks.
Nor will it happen in two months.
And it probably aint gonna happen in two years.
Truth of the matter is that "WE ARE DONE!"
When she said anything's possible that was like saying that pigs MAY someday fly, but i wouldn't hold my breath waiting on that.

SO now i was wondering why she hadn't just told me that?
Well in retrospect she had told me EXACTLY that in several ways on several occasions.
I started thinking "damn i'm stupid. just like my nickname - a braindead fucker" then i realized that that's not it at all - i just have selective hearing.

I didn't trip - I actually sighed.
I guess it's a relief to know that i have no choice but to surrender - as long as I kept believing that there was a way that i could USE SUCCESSFULLY (be with her) then it was as if i had no choice but to go on.

My literature says that when we are beaten we become willing.
I am ok with todays events (so far)
i haven't called her back or drove the 4 whole blocks to where she lives) and i don't plan too.

I do plan to take care of me - work-out, get back in school, hobbies, seek a better job (shit we work together) - just do some things that help me quell the voices that sometimes tell me that i'm a reject and a loser.

Just for today I strive to allow my love of self and the love from my Higher Power to be sufficient.


So far so good.

Side Note...

On my way to bed last night it occurred to me that...
I hadn't cried at all that whole day !
I believe that this is indeed progress.
This morning i awoke to feelings of sadness about the reality of things but I ain't crying, i'm just packing for my trip...

The Circus is leaving town...

i slept good finally. i was soo frazzled and stressed that i must've passed out and slept like a baby for almost 8 hours. that was rejuvenating. so today came and brought with it a whole new series of adventures:
1. got things straightened out with the hospital
2. and the cops,
3. i also picked up my belongings and my vehicle from the hospital parking lot - whew that was a HUGE relief.
4. couldn't locate my ex last night - she was supposed to be picking up my truck from the hospital lot but she disappeared and didn't re-appear until i was at her house in the afternoon asking her mom what happened. she had apparentl;y spent the night out with some guy (i asked, she admitted - they fucked. that sucks, i said "i don't care, are you done yet and am i still the best ever?" she said "you're definitely the best ever but i ain't done, give me a couple weeks of complete space and then we can look at reconciling (two weeks)" i said "you promise?" she said "yes"
i said "i'm going to chicago (5 1/2 hours away & i'm staying for about a week) she said "good idea" (i agreed) i said "can we go to bed JUST ONE MORE TIME before i go - maybe this afternoon?" she said "ok". so we agreed on a time & when the time came she decided that she really didn't want to sleep with me.
you're probably wondering how that felt right? that's a real no brainer hunh?
so how did i react? like a semi fool: i tried to PLEAD WITH, REASON WITH, BARGAIN WITH, SWEET TALK, GUILT TRIP her and in the end NOTHING. SO i went to my last resort
SURRENDER, we had a nice conversation with the baby running around us and i then told her i'd see in later and that i wouldn't call or text or anything else for a few weeks. Although later i did see her and stopped by and asked again (NICELY) and of course she said NO, so i said how bout later and she said maybe - i said call me - she said if she feels interested she will, she didn't and so i called her.

NOTE: this shit is sick and it would be so easy to change a few details to make me look better but i won't, maybe because i hope someone can help me or maybe because i want someone to be spared this type of insanity in their life or maybe because i'm just a braindead fuck who talks too much - i really ain't sure.

Now i'm at home not really hating life or anything, just looking forward to my trip and hoping that I can stand on my word (of no contact). Believing that she will stand on hers (of reconciliation). Trusting to a fault that she will keep her word. Fearing that if/WHEN that doesn't happen my wounds will be refreshingly ripped open yet again and i will then discover that every bottom has an even deeper level CLEAN.

I trust in the process tho - hope is never lost as long as i stay clean. getting out of here will give me new sights sounds and opportunities to work on me.
GOd this really sucks sometimes but oh well its all i can do right now and its the only life that i have.
Just For Today - thank YOU (whoever is reading this and not judging me as a fucking loser) - God Bless

p.s. i tried to edit this but tonight i don't think i can handle re-feeling it all over again - it might ruin my night. i'm going to bed.

On the run...

You aint even gonna believe this shit. nope not at all. actually someone mercifully predicted this and warned me, but braindead fuck that i am...
anyway here's what happened:
Right now I am sitting in the living room of a good friends house becuase i can't go home since the cops are looking for me.
it seems i had one crying spell too many and this time i had it at work (i politely informed my co-workers that i needed to step away for a few. then i went to see the therapist - i work at one of those types of places.) i cried and shared and made one colorful statement too many and i also pounded on his end table once for emphasis (no harm donr to table or hand) but next thing you know they're trying to committ me to the mental ward.
wait it obviously gets worse...
they ask to to volunteer myself and i say what if i dont, then they say they'll "pink slip" me which means i'll stay longer. ththen this big ogre dude walks up and stands by me - fuck !
So i say ok then as the nurse goes to get the paper work i head for the bathroom and bolt towards the exit.
Now i'm running down the street in the rain wearing a wife-beater tee shirt pants and socks - running scared as hell.
Scared cuz i am the type that gets high anxiety if i think i'm being even slightly confined.
so now i'm afraid that the cops are gonna catch me and lock me up.
and i was thinking that this couldn't get any worse.
I could write for day about my many feelings and the lessons learned but i won't.
please suffice it to say: i ain't causing no more trouble just for today & i hope i can get this stuff with the hospital straightened out soon.
so...
Just For Today: what do YOU think?

Help

Thank God for HELP. I had a call late last night (2:00am) from a newcomer needing HELP. So here I am trying to get some sleep before my 7am shift when; for no apparent reason, I just wake up and then my cell phone rings. The caller ID displayed this guys name, whom I had just met a week ago at a meeting. Without thinking I answered the call. And boy was he was in a crises situation. He shared the details and his feelings and I shared understanding, support and my experience (having been in a similar spot). After about 10-15 minutes of talking & listening we actually shared a few laughs and ended the call. I thought this incident was noteworthy not because I am some "helluva" recovering addict that always goes the extra mile for his fellow addict. I share this because sometimes God will give us opportunities to show love and support to a fellow human being. In doing this I can (as the program suggests) keep what I have because I have given it away. God is awesome and His plan is perfect (not always to my liking or understanding) but perfect none-the-less I choose to believe today. I went to bed after this call feeling very good, because as I shared with my late night caller (a newcomer with less than 60 days clean) God was sharing with me (a newcomer with almost 3 years clean).
Just for today, I am grateful for the Courage, Trust & Faith needed to walk this path with optimism and eagerness. God, I thank you.