Afternoon UPdate...

Still no tears...
i talked to the EX this morning and got some real clarity:
there will be no possible reconciliation in two weeks.
Nor will it happen in two months.
And it probably aint gonna happen in two years.
Truth of the matter is that "WE ARE DONE!"
When she said anything's possible that was like saying that pigs MAY someday fly, but i wouldn't hold my breath waiting on that.

SO now i was wondering why she hadn't just told me that?
Well in retrospect she had told me EXACTLY that in several ways on several occasions.
I started thinking "damn i'm stupid. just like my nickname - a braindead fucker" then i realized that that's not it at all - i just have selective hearing.

I didn't trip - I actually sighed.
I guess it's a relief to know that i have no choice but to surrender - as long as I kept believing that there was a way that i could USE SUCCESSFULLY (be with her) then it was as if i had no choice but to go on.

My literature says that when we are beaten we become willing.
I am ok with todays events (so far)
i haven't called her back or drove the 4 whole blocks to where she lives) and i don't plan too.

I do plan to take care of me - work-out, get back in school, hobbies, seek a better job (shit we work together) - just do some things that help me quell the voices that sometimes tell me that i'm a reject and a loser.

Just for today I strive to allow my love of self and the love from my Higher Power to be sufficient.


So far so good.