The Circus is leaving town...

i slept good finally. i was soo frazzled and stressed that i must've passed out and slept like a baby for almost 8 hours. that was rejuvenating. so today came and brought with it a whole new series of adventures:
1. got things straightened out with the hospital
2. and the cops,
3. i also picked up my belongings and my vehicle from the hospital parking lot - whew that was a HUGE relief.
4. couldn't locate my ex last night - she was supposed to be picking up my truck from the hospital lot but she disappeared and didn't re-appear until i was at her house in the afternoon asking her mom what happened. she had apparentl;y spent the night out with some guy (i asked, she admitted - they fucked. that sucks, i said "i don't care, are you done yet and am i still the best ever?" she said "you're definitely the best ever but i ain't done, give me a couple weeks of complete space and then we can look at reconciling (two weeks)" i said "you promise?" she said "yes"
i said "i'm going to chicago (5 1/2 hours away & i'm staying for about a week) she said "good idea" (i agreed) i said "can we go to bed JUST ONE MORE TIME before i go - maybe this afternoon?" she said "ok". so we agreed on a time & when the time came she decided that she really didn't want to sleep with me.
you're probably wondering how that felt right? that's a real no brainer hunh?
so how did i react? like a semi fool: i tried to PLEAD WITH, REASON WITH, BARGAIN WITH, SWEET TALK, GUILT TRIP her and in the end NOTHING. SO i went to my last resort
SURRENDER, we had a nice conversation with the baby running around us and i then told her i'd see in later and that i wouldn't call or text or anything else for a few weeks. Although later i did see her and stopped by and asked again (NICELY) and of course she said NO, so i said how bout later and she said maybe - i said call me - she said if she feels interested she will, she didn't and so i called her.

NOTE: this shit is sick and it would be so easy to change a few details to make me look better but i won't, maybe because i hope someone can help me or maybe because i want someone to be spared this type of insanity in their life or maybe because i'm just a braindead fuck who talks too much - i really ain't sure.

Now i'm at home not really hating life or anything, just looking forward to my trip and hoping that I can stand on my word (of no contact). Believing that she will stand on hers (of reconciliation). Trusting to a fault that she will keep her word. Fearing that if/WHEN that doesn't happen my wounds will be refreshingly ripped open yet again and i will then discover that every bottom has an even deeper level CLEAN.

I trust in the process tho - hope is never lost as long as i stay clean. getting out of here will give me new sights sounds and opportunities to work on me.
GOd this really sucks sometimes but oh well its all i can do right now and its the only life that i have.
Just For Today - thank YOU (whoever is reading this and not judging me as a fucking loser) - God Bless

p.s. i tried to edit this but tonight i don't think i can handle re-feeling it all over again - it might ruin my night. i'm going to bed.