Powerfully powerless...

I started this new job recently at the local detox center. My first formal job in about 4 years. Needless to say that there was adjusting to be done, but it wasn't nearly as bad as my "fears" told me it would be. I mean I actually wrestled with thoughts like: I won't be good enough, it'll be too hard, I'm too old to learn new tricks, they won't like me, I don't have anything to wear, etc. My mind has the ability to rationalize all sorts of non-sense in an apparent effort to sabotage my efforts towards growth - this is just an example of the type of anti-recovery monster that I have to deal with on a regular basis.
At any rate - I showed up and things went well. They like me & I love the job. I especially enjoy the 'helping others' part. Since people are only there for a short period of time, I try to share concentrated hope with them, taking care not to overwhelm or make this recovery process seem too complicated. It's not easy, it's a lot more involved than just saying "Keep coming back". But it feels great when I see a glimmer of hope in someones eyes after sharing with them. I feel that I am in a position to carry the message - that I have some type of power to plant the seeds that CAN affect a change in somebody's life. That feels awesome & I thank God for the opportunity to be a vessel for carrying the message. But... for real, some peole aren't done yet, some people are full of shit and some people leave and go get high again. I am once again reminded of my own powerlessness & that each individual has to make their own choice. I want to build a wall between me & "them" so that I don't get hurt. But that's the way it is not just at work but at any meeting and in life in general.
Just for today I choose to believe that although I don't have to power to carry an addict, I have been charged to carry the message. It brings me joy knowing that I am doing what my Higher Power would want me to do - now what happens after that, who chooses to hear the message and act on it, all that is out of my hands. God knows what he is doing. I am extremely grateful that I am clean today and that I know I am a miracle.

Love vs. Love

I was talking to a friend in recovery the other day about getting a new sponsor when he asked me "what spiritual principles are involved in love?" I said that the ones associated with love are: honesty, committment, faith, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, understanding, integrity, perseverance, trust, etc. and he said "exactly, so are you practicing these principles with yor sponsor?" I was stumped for all of 2 seconds when i replied "yes I have been, but I need to practice those priciples with respect to myself first." If by giving all this to someone else I find that I am participating in or allowing some type of neglect of any of these principles to myself then something is wrong. Its like being in an abusive relationship and telling myself to "just forgive them and be patient with them, while they continue to cheat on or beat on me". That ain't right. There's an unselfish part of this process and then there's a very selfish part of it. There's a lot of room for misinterpretation in the program. That's one of the reasons that sponsorship is very important. And that's why we pray for "the wisdom to know the difference". Just for today, my self-esteem isn't so low that I will allow myself to starve while I'm making sure that someone else eats. My recovery is my responsibility. You might want to take responsibility for yours.
peace.

Another Day Another...

Just for today I don't have a lot of complaints - not that everything is good, it's just that nothing is so serious that it warrants complaining. I am growing because half the things that make up my life today would've been grounds to go & get plastered a few years ago. I have daily stresses that I have somehow found acceptance about. My mind tells me that there is an 'easier, softer way' but I know better - I just keep putting one foot in front if the other and have faith that things will either get better or my ability to cope will improve. Just for today - the path I travel is a perfect one, I just need to work on travelling it better.
Peace

Got it all figured out today...

Yep that's right ! I got this whole addiction thing figured out. This ain't no off the cuff hypothesis or divine revelation type of deal. This is the result of reading, discussing, working steps, praying & basically living the program that has brought me to this understanding. And this may sound like a bunch of crap to you or it may sound so simple that 'even a cave-man' should've figured it out by now, but it's my truth - just for today. SO what is it? Simply this: My addictive nature manifests itself in my life in a variety of subtle & obvious ways. But it all can be summed up in two little sentences...
1. If I don't get my way - I ain't happy.
2. If everything and everybody just did as I thought that they should - the world would be a better place.
That's it. My job is to combat these "instincts" and do things differently until my thinking eventually changes - which in a lot of cases it has. But it is a real smack in the face when I catch myself acting out in one of those two ways. It's embarrasing and the whole nine yards. But just for today - I need to know my enemy if I am to do battle with him. And I had better come prepared to fight. I choose to arm myself with a Higher Powered 12 step arsenal. I believe that as long as I follow this way - I have nothing to fear.
peace.

New Video Clip...

Have you seen this one ? I think it's pretty cool.
Post a comment and let me know what you think.

Split Personality ?

Up's and down's thats what life is. Sometimes they come too damn fast for me. Just when you start to relax and enjoy swinging in the hammock of life somebody throws a brick from the shadows and BANG ! lays you flat on your ass. No warning, nothing. That about sums up how I'm feeling right about now. And it's not about finances, or health, or the dog dying - it's about me being tired of me. I got hit in the head with the BRICK of self-awareness. I recognized an ugly behavior & thinking pattern today that I hadn't been able to see clearly before (when i could see it at all). I don't understand what resentments I have that cause me to be so (I want to say hateful, but that's too strong - can I say schizo? loving and hateful) toward someone who is trying so hard to love me. It's like I can't get past the anger I feel as a result of my expectations not being met. Like I can't find the appropriate level of acceptance to be ok with who and what this person really is (as opposed to who & what I want them to be). It's not that I haven't tried to the best of my ability, it's more like my ability is insufficient (time to call on God, right?) Right ! God I know you're listening & watching; I need you...I need you big time right now. I ain't able on my own. To those who may read this and are of the praying type, maybe you could throw a few kinds words of prayer to your Higher Power on my behalf. That would be really nice. Thanks in advance. Just for today; what really comes to mind right now is: What we can't do alone, we can do together. Peace.

Fun In Recovery

Yesterday me & a few of my buddies went to an all day "Recovery SpeakerJam" in a neighboring town a few miles down the highway. It was really nice. We hung out and fellowshipped with lots of people. Actually I didn't go there to hang out - I was there to help raise funds for the area by selling Recovery Tee Shirts by (DaytonCustomTees.com). We sold lots of shirts and made a lot of people happy. Not to mention that we made a few dollars for the old pocket too. The day was a complete success whatever negativity came our way was quickly vanquished by our positive spirits and application of spiritual principles. Now that I think about it, I've had a great weekend: went to see LIVE FREE or DIE HARD on friday, and went to the NEWPORT AQUARIUM in KENTUCKY today. No wonder I'm tired. Oh well God is good and so is the program and Just For Today; even tho' I didn't have much drama to share, I am sharing my gratitude - cuz in recovery, we do have fun sometimes too. I better knock on wood - I start my new job tomorrow...
Peace.