I was talking to a friend in recovery the other day about getting a new sponsor when he asked me "what spiritual principles are involved in love?" I said that the ones associated with love are: honesty, committment, faith, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, understanding, integrity, perseverance, trust, etc. and he said "exactly, so are you practicing these principles with yor sponsor?" I was stumped for all of 2 seconds when i replied "yes I have been, but I need to practice those priciples with respect to myself first." If by giving all this to someone else I find that I am participating in or allowing some type of neglect of any of these principles to myself then something is wrong. Its like being in an abusive relationship and telling myself to "just forgive them and be patient with them, while they continue to cheat on or beat on me". That ain't right. There's an unselfish part of this process and then there's a very selfish part of it. There's a lot of room for misinterpretation in the program. That's one of the reasons that sponsorship is very important. And that's why we pray for "the wisdom to know the difference". Just for today, my self-esteem isn't so low that I will allow myself to starve while I'm making sure that someone else eats. My recovery is my responsibility. You might want to take responsibility for yours.
peace.
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5 comments:
I've been mulling over changing my sponsor, too. Seems to be something we go through. I'm really looking for more than someone who can take me through the steps. I'm looking for someone who returns calls so we can get together and go through the steps.
This is real good information. You can continue to love someone while doing what is necessary for your recovery.
If anyone appproaches me with that problem (think they need a new sponsor0 i ask what has happened that they are unhappy about. i cant give feedback without specifics.
The Specifics are that our schedules conflict - can't get him on the phone - can't get appointments to do step work - I did all of two steps in the whole of last year. He has plenty of people that he sponsors, so I understand him being busy. I too sponsor people and know that it's impossible to be available to everyone at all times - but when your percentage for answering the phone is down to a consistent 10% that may not be working for some people. There's no hard feelings. I just prefer to work 12 steps in my 12 step program, which requires a sponsor that has time. In the program that I am a member of we work 12 and then we start all over again. Then we sometimes call our sponsors (and support people) to discuss the application of spiritual principles in various life situations. I believe that I have been patient in this matter, but I don't have acceptance because I believe in my right to exercise my preference and seek out what is best for me & my recovery & i advise and support my sponcees in doing the same.
Aaah. i see.
I never do 'random time' calls. in fact it surprises me that ANYONE with a busy lifestyle COULD do that. I arrange 5-10min calls at set times. ideally in the morning. but other times if that's not poss. mon to fri only. other than that it would have to be a VERY important reason to call. ie calling me on my ''time off'. I will take calls on those times, but only if it is VERY important, or urgent and cannot wait.
i don't get that. sounds wrong to me. that arrangement i mean. put it this way. would YOU want Sponsees to call you at random times throughout the day? I wouldn't! I don't think I know ANYONE that would welcome that arrangement.
If someone did that to me. I would simply say, "why are you telling me you are available to sponsor when it is clear that you are unavailable to take calls 90% of the time? If calling at unarranged times appears not to be working, why not try calling at set times for 5 mins mon to fri. we could try that and see how it goes?"
Basically you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time. But who knows. Something clearly is not working. I ''dump' Sponsees after step 9, so I never let them 'build up'. Meaning I would never have more than 5 or 6 doing the steps at any one time. Plus I try to do ALL 1-9 in 9 months if poss. So im always recycling Sponsees. I don't 'keep' them for long. But that's a very personal approach. I could never do that thing where you have 50 Sponsees or something. Jeez. What a nightmare!
There are PLENTY of nutcases in AA as you probably know by now, and there's no reason to think this guy might not be a bit nutty. Just because he's got some time doesn't mean anything. You'd be surprised how disappointing the human condition is!
Yeah find someone with a little more structure in the way they sponsor people. Then hopefully they will have more free time. Either that or get someone who has no job, no hobbies, no friends so plenty of free time!!
Yeah id do the same in your position. But im always very curious about people so I would ask a lot of questions as to why they do what they do. Just out of interest really. I might learn something. Or I might not. But you never know really till you ask.
Right im off. Good luck looking for a new one!
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