Growing Pains...

This week has been one of growth. This week has also been one of pain. Somehow I believe that there is a connection.
This week someone OD'd after 5 years clean. A friend. The lesson was that
1. He wasn't really working a program just being abstinent - I know that ther aren't any guarantees in life but Just for today I choose to hedge my bets and work a program - because I know that I'm not immune.
2. Death happens and sooner or later it will happen to someone I know and love. This week someone I know celebrated 18 months clean ! And they finally got off that Soboxone Drug ! They are doing alright too ! I love this guy and I am happy to know that he is doing fine. The lesson here is that some of us are going to stay clean and be alright - Thank God!
3. Somebody that I know and love is getting high again - they won't admit it and I could be wrong, but when four of your closest friends have al independently reached the same conclusion in the same one week period then maybe that's just a little bit too much "coincidence" for me. He is doing things that he 'normally' wouldn't do and basically his ass is using again. This will make his 4th time, each time almost reaching the 6 month mark and then falling off. The pattern is the same - Start off "Gung-Ho", start slacking, stop working his program, meet a girl and then BOOM, here comes the drugs. I want to lock hime in a closet and make him recover. I want to be able to do something more than what I have been doing, I don't want to be powerless. The lesson here is: I am powerless, it is what it is and it will be what it will be, all I can do is work on me and be available to help when asked. Staying clean isn't easy, I am grateful that I am holding on to the gift.
Another fiend of mine just celebrated 18 months clean ! and I was thinking: He doesn't work a program, no steps, meeting attendence sucks, sponsorship contact is at the absolute minimum. My mind told me that this guy was full-of shit. He asked me to present him with his medallion at a big meeting and I couldn't imagine what I was going to say that was good about him. But somehow at some point my spirit awakened to a whole new level: I finally came to realize that he was doing a fine job. He was staying clean dammit and that's what this thing is all about. There are people who attend meetings regularly and relapse, share real good in the meeting and relapse, do service work and relapse. When it's all said and done: staying clean must come first and without that nothing else matters. So i presented him and it was an awesome experience now I feel free to love him for who he is: a recovering addict on a journey just like me.
Just for today - Thank you God for the experience of living life with out the use of drugs - thank you for helping me to remain teachable.

Go Ahead, Punch A Wall !

You ever notice how some people can claim to be "happy with their lives & grateful for their blessings" and yet have a laundry list of complaints at the same time? How is this possible ? Well I will tell you how. Take me for instance, I woke up this morning to beautifully cloudy, gray skies, with kids who had woke up a little bit before me. I sometimes think of them as "nature's alarm clock". SO my day begins like most of my days: Wake up and hit the ground running (so to speak) 2 year old and 6 year old awake and hungry - no big deal right? Wrong the next thing my eyes sees is my bedroom in total disarray - YIKES ! I bear with it long enough to grab some clothes and then we head to the kitchen for breakfast. We manuever through an obstacle course of toys and shoes and whatever else lies in our path. Whew - this isn't exactly what I'd call the ideal morning but it's ok I guess. Yeah it's "ok" until we reach our destination - Is this the kitchen or is this a disaster area? Sink over-flowing with dishes, floor has a carpet of debris on it, table sticky and crumb-filled, trash over-flowing - FUCK! Now this ain't cool at all, but I still manage to find some gratitude because we do have Milk and cereal, some days, I have to make a store run. At any rate this scenario is my life - day in & day out. I manage to get the bedroom clean, the crap picked up, the kitchen clean and the kids fed and played with by the time my wife (and her mom) gets home from work around 4-ish. Despite the chaos that comes from having 2 boys (2 & 6) running around all day, I manage. I am very grateful for being able to be here for my kids and having a roof over our heads and food to eat as well as the few luxuries that we have. BUT... I am frustrated, disgusted, angry, depressed and feeling pretty hopeless at times. WHY ? Becuase I grew up in a very dirty house, with a mom who made messes and forced me to clean them daily for years (I have issues, yeah I know) But what also gets my goat is that I have communicated this to the other adults who reside here to no avail (I may get the response of someone picking up at the moment that I am trying to discuss the matter, but things only return to normal - immediately, not even 2 days later.) SO I'm kinda tired of whining to my sponsor about this and I refuse to share anyting like this on a group level, so here I am: sharing anonymously with YOU. I receive disability and so I am home all day and I believe that 'somebody' feels like these things are my job since they're going out and working 40 hours per week. (I like and need a clean environment to function and live in; therefore I clean, but I do get pissed when it appears that other's aren't even bothering to pick up behind themselves or directing the kids to pick up). I won't even mention total disorganzation that we call meal planning or managing our finances. I will mention that I do love my wife and family, but this has been stressing me out for years already and I am just about ready to SCREAM!
Just for today, I thank God that I am not using drugs and that my life isn't as bad as it could be, that my loved ones are all healthy and beautiful people - That recovery is possible and that Hope is found here.

Updates...

I been away from my blog-spot for a while now. I can explain: First of all, writing is a new thing for me. It was suggested and suggested and finally I said "oh well I guess I'll give it a try". I also tend to get uncomfortable with the whole process - either I think that I shouldn't write unless I have something 'interesting' to say (drama or something new and exciting happening in my life), or I tend to feel like "Damn, all I write about is drama" which starts me wondering if people will think I'm completely screwed up. Either way, I am never at a shortage of excuses to neglect my writing. But as usual I come to my senses and put my fingers to the keyboard once again.
So here's what's been up: I have decided to end my internet business - way too stressful. Doing too much primarily by myself for far too long, a few difficult months caused me too experience financial losses which of course created even more stress. Additionally I had a few people get on my case for screwed up orders (which bruised my sensitive ego and my need to people please). So after much struggle I decided to give myself a break. After all I do have a part-time job and a family to attend to. I also have a two full time job offers on the shelf (both nice).
Lately I have had a tremendous brainstorm of a business idea - I actually have a TEAM of highly qualified, experienced people who have bought into the concept and are hard at work helping me to develop it into the gold-mine that we believe it will be (no hints, just keep coming back, more will be revealed).
My love life is doing pretty good - still needs work but it's improving (I think, I can only speak for myself).
I have been working out and I have lost weight (giving a much needed boost to my self-esteem).
I've gotten back into my step-work and helping my sponsees with their step work and my meeting attendence has picked up. I have been sharing my pain and struggles with other recovering people - this has helped to relieve some of the pressure of holding things inside.
So basically things are changing and improving in my life.
Just for today, I am grateful for life and all that comes with it. After all I could be somewhere high (or dead) missing out on the whole experience. Thank you

Current Events... feedback wanted

Since last I blogged I've interviewed for a job. I had one interview that I blew off because i really didn't want to be 'tied down to a job'. I'm still holding on to the dream that I can become independently wealthy with my tee shirt business (hahaha). After a couple weeks I came to and called the job and asked for a second chance. I called maybe twice a day for a week before i finally prayed for help, breathed a sigh of relief (quiet surrender) and then within an hour someone from the job called me. I did very good on the interview (despite it being my first in years) and I should be hearing from them soon (after the background check and drug screen). Despite this good news I haven't called in on my present job (which I don't really like) at the local detox and in fact I have been working every available shift in order to bring in extra money. (look at me trying to be responsible!)

I also found a very nice bluetooth earpiece on the ground in a parking lot near my home and i quickly put it in my pocket. I hooked it up to my phone and it worked great (i have two that are broken) after a couple days i decided to put up a sign at the store where i found it, offering the owner an opportunity to claim his property. (conscience wouldn't let me just keep it).

I have a major event this weekend (NA Convention) in a neighboring state and I have a great group of guys joining me - we should have a lot of fun and make a nice profit. I believe that God is performing good works in my life.

I have been answering calls on the crises line lately and I am concerned with the number of people who are calling because they just need someone to talk to. I think that loneliness is such a difficult thing for people to deal with. Whether you're a person in recovery, or someone with a mental illness, elderly or even a "normal" person. I had this bright idea that I'd like to bounce off anybody that just happens to be still awake after reading this much of my boring crap. I want to see what it would take to creat a "Phone Line". The kind where people can call in and chat with each other - no sex, no hooking up, just a vehicle for bored people to kill time talking to other bored people. If people meet each other - that's on them but this line wouldn't be marketed for that kind of stuff. I think it'd be great and maybe there's some government funds or some rich do-gooder out there who'd be interested in financing it. Anyway, that's my bright idea of the month - anybody got feedback?
Just for today, God is sooooooooo good, especially when I let Him be.
Peace

Let's get honest...

Ever struggle with a behavior that has truly got your number? I mean post alcohol and drugs behaviors like eating, shopping, sex, gambling, etc. ? I'm not talking about 'having a difficult time getting a handle on my acting out'; I am talking about 'dammit i can't fuckin' stop to save my life & it's making me feel like shit'. Well if you have experience in that area then you know how I feel at times. My disease loves situations like that because it's always waiting in the wings - yelling non-supportive things like "you fraud, you share real good about how you've got a handle on drugs and you try to give hope and inspiration to others and yet look at you now" or the ever-popular: "Where's your Higher Power now?" I have a cold disease. Ruthless and without an ounce of pity or mercy. My disease is so opportunistic and patient. Always waiting around for any crack in my armor - looking to drive a stake right into my heart. Bastard ! But thats cool because that's his job. He has his job and I have mine. I still have the advantage because I know that's what he's going to do - I just forget to expect it sometimes. It's almost comical how he's always running up saying the same old tired negative bull-shit and I almost always bite (even if only momentarily). Round and around we go I guess. But... just for today: once again mister disease (I have to resort to one of my old familiar phrases) you can kiss my ass. I know your game plan and I know your tactics - I refuse to listen to you. You're just a distraction - keeping me from focusing on the solutions. Thank God for my 12 step program which in my opinion is a sort of "living life for dummies" program (no offense to any dummies in denial) This program takes all the guess work out of living life. I'm not saying that it supplies all the answers to life - I am saying that it gives a set of healthy suggestions/directions that help me along the way.
Peace

Blah , blah, blah...

Once again life is starting to seem monotonous and boring. I'm doing the same things day in - day out and it's not all that exciting anymore. Same meetings, same family, calling the same people,i think even eat the same foods over and over again. This has got to be an illusion but it seems so real. I have worked hard to create this comfort zone and somewhere along the way it has become a prison of sorts. I have got to break free. I need some life in my life. I think i better start doing something different, but where do i start ? Just for today- I have some praying to do, some decisions to make and some action to take.
Peace.

6 Feet From The Edge...

Whew, yesterday's gone - thank God! The day was a mess from the start: I was to be at an event out-of-town at a certain time and (as usual) I was running a few hours late. That has become my M.O. and its really no problem nobody complains and I am getting acceptance. Anyway I picked up my business partner who was in such a spiritual funk that after a few hours of hearing all about it it started wearing on me. I wanted to just say "fuck it, man - do whatever you think you should do and shut the hell up talking to me" but of course I didn't. So I finally arrive at my function and it is so slow (as in financially unrewarding) - I was grateful that I wasn't the one in the funk and also that I was able to meet, fellowship and have fun with some really nice people. Next my partner who has recently been suspected of relapsing takes off to smoke a cigarette and stays gone 30 minutes - which really bothered me because that is very atypical of him especially considering that he just up & left several times. So here I am considering the relapse accusations based on this abnormal behavior. Denial seemed to be a more comfortable alternative. So the day drags on - the conversation between he and I was strained and not-flowing as it usually does and this further drives me into a state of isolation from him (i'll just mind my own business and keep busy). At this point I get aggrivated because I notice that we neglected to pick up some vital supplies and I now have to find a supplier in a strange town across state lines. I get into the solution, get directions and take me "map-lexic" butt out on the road. I drive ten minutes in the right direction get confused turn around and drive 10 minutes in the wrong direction, surrender, pull into a gas station, get directions again and eventually make it to my destination where I promptly purchsed some very over-priced, but needed items. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that it was drizzling pretty heavily and my windshield wipers decided to stop working and i ALMOST HIT another car. I was so close that it really frazzled me. Thank God for cell phones because I needed to call and talk to somebody ASAP! So I am pretty upset now, wondering how in the hell we are going to get home 2 and a half hours away with no wipers in the rain - when suddenly the wipers start woking again - Thank You God ! So I return the the event and my partners still wierd but at this point - who cares, I am committed to having a good time and making whatever money there is to make here. And it turns out to be an ok day. Time to go, packing up our supplies and heading out. No wipers and the rain is coming down harder now. God please. I pull over and jiggle the darn things - they work for a bit and then stop and I pull over again. At this point I am tired, it's been a very long day and I still have a long drive to get back home. I am praying, I am trying to think positive. I try to just drive with no wipers and it is a nightmare. My partner decides that now would be a good time to laugh out loud (which in retrospect I can understand, but at the time it just further annoyed me). So I finally get the wiper in such a position that I can push it with my hand while driving - if that sounds nuts - you shoulda seen me, swerving, cussing and praying with a couple hour drive ahead of me. Well to make a long story somewhat shorter - we made it home, I prayed and the wipers would occassionally miraculously work then they would stop and I would push them again. This pushing effect only half worked and sometimes it didn't work at all, but we kept going. The rain finally slowed down and I eventually developed what I'd like to call "rain/blur vision" where I could kinda see well enough to just calm down and drive. I understand that I play a part in the whole disaster - I knew my partners history of relapse and I also knew that my wipers were going bad and through my own irresponsibility I got what I got. I was so tired last night of praying, I was so tired of fighting my diease which was laughing at me saying where's your God now, I was just so damn tired but I did not succumb. I am very grateful to have made it home safe & sound I really contemplated kissing the muddy sidewalk when i exited my car. I am not confused that even though God may not perform in the way that I choose and hope for - He does perform. Just for today - I better take care of my business and not let procrastination and wishful thinking determine the course of action in my life - like they say "if it ain't practical, it ain't spiritual"
Peace.