God Help Me

This morning I am once again asking for God to show me the way and give me strength to stay on His path. I ask this because even though I think I know what's best for me, in any given situation all I really know is what I want. I ask for the power because even if I do get a clue about what is best - I will still often times pursue what I want. This "self-centered" shit is a bitch.
Lately the World Class Roller-Coaster which I call: 'my emotions' has taking me into the wonderful world of "I am starting to fucking hate this evil cold hearted bitch!" This may sound drastic, but these are MY feelings. Due to some unfortunate turn of events - I have been very politley asked to relocate my person & belongings immediately - which is not all that bad considering I wanted to do that anyway (in an effort to rekindle an appreciation and re-dedication to our relationship; which was obviously on the ropes. well that shit really back-fired because now SHE wants me to go - no talk of working to repair things, just some fucking crap about wanting to be single. Bitch. There's things that needed to be addressed here; like why we made agreements to improve things that aren't being honored, resulting in our continuing to stay stuck in a bullshit place in our relationship. Promises made but not kept. Issues discussed and solutions proposaed and yet never honored. And people wonder why things aren't improving. Maybe its because I/we lack the ability to just accept the shit I/we really can change but are too lazy and selfish to change. Yeah well what-the-fuck ever.
But that's not the worst of it; I think the worst is the fact that I have been accused of "dragging her self-esteem through the mud"?!?!? I guess I did that when I kept bringing grown up discussions to the table - topics concerning money management, our strategy for raising children & keeping house. Yeah I am very fucking guilty of wanting to improve in those areas - cut my fucking throat for wanting to be able to actually save money, raise kids that are respectful, responsible and obedient; oh and you might as well shoot me for wanting to have a clean, presentable home with nice things in it too, cuz i sure am guilty of trying to discuss that topic too. To the best of my recollection I never called her an 'idiot', 'dumbass', moron, or any other derogatory name; nor have I hit her or hardly ever cussed her out. I believe my crime has been to bring these subjects up - time and again as years rolled by and we continued to not grow in these areas.
Yeah i guess i was the fucking bad guy - i feel like if this is who SHE is then SHE could've revealed this bullshit to me a long time ago and saved me some heartache - fucking bitch.
I know i must sound awfully bitter - because i feel awfully bitter. I dont know what else to feel.
Maybe my feelings aren't matching up to the situation - but when you add to the equation the fact that here I am in the end, packin up my shit into a few bags and leaving this place to go sleep on somebody's (couch, floor or whatever) and without any money - I struggle not to think about how fucking unfair life can be.
Yeah I said NO money ! WHy don't we have ANY money ? I don't know, I didn't ask - it ain't the first time, probably won't be the last time - maybe Christmas has something to do with it ? How fucking ironic. AT any rate she ain't talking about it & I guess that makes her feel better - I don't want to talk about it - after all I don't want to 'drag her self-esteem' through the mud any more than I already have. Fucking Bitch.
Although I might sound hateful, i'm not. i'm just trying to share honestly so that i can heal. i haven't been rude or in any way disrespectful - on the contrary I have been fucking beggin her to reconcile - just agree to maybe work on fixing what has been in need of fixing - things like maybe trying something new, keeping promises, honoring committments - dumbshit like that - even while I agree to move out BROKE, but all i get in return for my efforts, begging and pleading is a bunch of cold, non-chalant, rejection. Like I am some type of stray pet found on the street that just isn't working out. No wait - i don't even get treated that good because we, i mean SHE picked up a stray (despite my suggestions to get a clean pet from the Anti-Cruelty Society) a pet that was stinking up our entire house and scratching all the time - SHE hasn't managed to give up on that little fucker yet, just me. Maybe the damn cat is just a little smarter than me - after all the cat never asks why things aren't improving or any other tough question that might make a person take a look at their behaviors. And some people have the nerve to call them dumb animals. I think that description fits me better.
Anyway here we are - me: feeling like a discarded piece of shit, being politely disposed of as my period of usefulness has passed. SHE still not talking, expressing herself, verbally communicating - even though we agreed years ago that that was something that NEEDED working on. SHE was supposed to comment on my blog (last week) it would've been nice for me to hear a response; but i guess it wasn't "comfortable" for HER - oh well fuck me, fuck progress, fuck growth & fuck every God-damn thing in life except what is fucking "comfortable" for HER! because God forbid She might feel that her fucking "self-esteem" is being damaged.
Just for today - this is some fucking bullshit, i fucking hate life, i fucking hate her, i fucking want to just curl up into a ball and die. I never saw this coming - nobody fucking warned me, nobody raised a fuss - oh but let her want to get her fucking nails done and i would've heard a ruckus. I think about all this shit and all i can thin to myself is:
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
All in all God is good and things could be worse, i know that all my feelings aren't real, i know that feelings dont kill. i know that my joy comes in the morning. i know that God will see me through. I know that i must pass through this place in order to grow. I know that this too shall pass. i know that no matter what I don't have to use. I know that I am grateful that I have somewhere to go to get the help that I need. I know that its ok for me to scream, holler, cuss and yell right here on this blog - i can get free right here and never act out in real life. Thank you God for my life.

And I think we can make it...

Me & God that is...
Unbelievably I am not hurting as badly & I didn't die of a broken heart. Although I know the storm hasn't completely passed, I do know now that I will survive. I guess I always knew - I was just so hurt that I couldn't really grasp hold of the notion and embrace it. Thanks to God & many angels who stood firm and reminded me of what i needed to know, not necessarily what i wanted to hear... I am standing today. Grateful. Thankful. ENcouraged and ready to grow on with my life. I will not leave this place the same way that I entered it. That is my motto for my life today.
Just for today - I think that I love life and everything about it. Thanks for allowing me to share with you.
Peace.

As the wave passes over...

They say that painful situations such as grieving happens in waves. And they eventually decrease in intensity & frequency. Whew thank God for that. As I sit here not presently in the midst of a tidal wave of pain, self-doubt, hurt, anger, depression, self-pity, regret and hopelessness. I am able to see & accept that God's will is always best - not always enjoyable but look at how far He's brought me so far. I am ever so grateful for my experiences: The eye-opening agony of ending a long term relationship (never will i behave in the manner that I did with her, i will always try to show appreciation for my woman, bout time i learned that simple shit), I am out here in florida observing very happy couples who have been fortunate enough to have achieved long term joy together & i am seeing that in some ways I am doing a fine job but there are other areas that I can improve upon. If God sees fit to give me another chance at love whether with my ex or with someone new then you best believe I will live my life in such a way as to have no regrets. I am still holding on to a shred of hope that things will work themselves out - after all I am still Drew - the wonderful guy that stole her heart & helped to her along this road to recovery. Not that she owes me anything & not that our son together will be used as a bargaining chip - but I'm just saying that I can have hope if I want to. And just for today:
I ain't giving up hope. I will work on me & continue working on me & I believe that my light will shine and be an attraction for her to come on back home. If not then I will eventually gain some acceptance.
Peace

Dear God

I know you're listening but I can't feel you today. I know you're holding me up because without you I would surely have fallen. I wonder why things have to be hurtful in life and yet i know we need sunshine & rain for the flowers to grow. I know that this too shall pass but i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anywhere in sight. Please God keep me reminded as I stumble along today - don't let me do anything to worsen matters - Things could always be worse. I am grateful for what is, I just needed a moment to grieve over what isn't. I guess thats just my nature. Thank you God in advance for getting me through this storm. Thank you.

Take the mask off...

Yeah i better. I dont want to sound crazy or nothing but I am feeling lost. I just got the boot from my girl and i can't even see. I cant remember what a smile looks like. I hurt so bad that I can't think or feel. My breathing is irregular and i feel so tired. I think its taking a super-human effort to just stand on my feet and keep from screaming. Life as I know it now sucks ass. I hate when things are so shitty & screwed up that somebody else has the power to give and to take away my happiness. I mean completely disable my ability to feel joy. I want this to end now - I ain't gonna use, I ain't gonna use. I swear to God I ain't gonna use, but I do want to die.
Life now just really ain't shit anymore. I know all about finding gratitude & i do have gratitude for being able to explode on this blog. But i still am blinded by this awful pain and I just want it to please end - asap.
This is the moment when the rubber meets the road. When everything that i have learned & been practicing comes into play. I know things will get better - its just the holding on that is killing me.
I hope that this serves as a beacon of hope to anybody who may have, is or might in the future go through something like this - the message is hope, you aint never gotta use, not even when youre going through HELL.

SO NOW I'M IN FLORIDA ! whoopie...

COming from Ohio, this is definitely different, Palm trees, nice weather. Very beautiful scenery. Back home its snowy & a mess they tell me. So why do I feel like I left my smile back in Ohio ? Homesick ? After 2 short days ? Maybe. But i think that maybe it's because my girl told me upon my arrival that we should be on the splits. Yeah I know, I know what youre going to say: Dumbass you asked for this ! No I didn't just ask for it - I worked hard for it & now that its here - I want to fuckin' jump off the planet & cease to exist. All of a sudden, I can see the error of my ways - all the things that I should've done but didn't, all the things I did but shouldn't have. Funny how things become so crystal clear in hindsight. Needless to say - she is firm & nothing I can say or do will change that.
Reality Check: 1. I had some authentic concerns and reasons for wanting out of the relationship (even if only temporarily so that we could benefit from the shock factor) 2. I have some great qualities - I'm a good person, nobody can take that away from me. 3. I have great friends and support to help see me through this & I know that all feelings eventually pass.
Fantasy World: This shit sucks & it hurts, I feel rejected and like the worlds biggest loser. I fear that one of my buddies will be sleeping with her. I fear that my relationship with my 2 year old son will be greatly affected.
Life on Life's Terms: I am fucking powerless ! Not a damn thing that I can do will change any of this. I have been crying & praying, and then sometimes I pray & cry. But I ain't fucking using. I'm talking to people (which is weird because I am far from home with limited phone access.
The Disease: I want to screw my way through these feelings - anybody & everybody. Thats about as smart an idea as any idiot ever came up with. Sounds good but... even in the midst of this storm I somehow sense that that ain't a real spiritual idea.
Just for today: I can hold on, sometimes thats all I have in me to do - and don't use and maybe I can not act out and further complicate my life.
God is great - I just have to remember to accept His greatness

Good Times, Bad Times

Oh well the proverbial shit has hit the fan. My significant other periodically reads this blog so I have chosen to be "selective" about what I post. Especially topics which can be a little sensitive to her. Well due to an unfortunate turn of events I can get free now.
One: Our relationship has been in a very strained state lately. I believe that this is primarily because as we have grown and evolved in our recovery process (process of getting to know ourselves and growing up) we have grown in different directions at times. We each (as all couples do) have our various preferences - but in our case we have discovered that a chasm has developed between our respective belief systems with respect to finances, family, relationships, etc. This reality has presented us with serious challenges - which to our credit, we have been working on - and yet the end result has been, resentment, anger, disappointment and at times a pessimistic absense of hope. Such has been the story of my life of late. (I have been sharing with a few select individuals & my sponsor but my blog has certainly been neglected.)

Well I have learned that there is no bad situation that a drink, drug or bad decision can't make worse. In my case it was the latter. I started talking to another woman. Talking was the the furthest extent of it & yet there was boundary violation, betrayal of trust, dishonesty, disrespect, etc. that took place. I was guilty. And stupid. Then I got found out. Well things rapidly deteriorated from there. I apologized and went through all the corrective steps that I knew how to take - but you can't place expectations or time limits on other people's processes. So today we are still stuck in the madness. And its ok.

Timing played an important role in this calamity because we had already been talking about seperating when this indiscretion was uncovered. So the fire was now further fueled. Oh well.

Fast forward to today. I am looking to pack and move asap. There is tension in this house and I am indeed reminded of my powerlessness.

Beyond that I was complaining to my sponsor about missed appointments to go over my step-work and he promptly reminded me that while we're waiting that i could feel free to "live the program" seeing as I have worked all 12 steps already anyway. I thought that was a great idea - so i'm rededicating myself to steps 10, 11 & 12 (as well as the rest of them) on a daily basis.

My family and I are living with "her mom" and its been nothing short of crazy - adults who don't clean up behind themselves, a small house that is at times over-crowded - they keep in-laws over constantly spending the weekends, pets (a dog & a cat) running around, disrepectful kids and a variety of other issues which we had talked about before we moved here. Issues that i foresaw as potential trouble spots, issues which we had agreed to address. So far everything that we agreed on has not been honored. Which at times makes me feel like I have been completely bull-shitted by these people. (*when i say 'these people' i mean her mom & to a certain extent: her) But the sledge-hammer flavored icing on the cake has definitely been the fact that we moved here to help her mom (who was in dire straits financially) and also to allow ourselves an opportunity to save more money. Well as far as that goes: we haven't saved shit & in fact are spending more money here that when we were in our own 3 bedroom house. - Go figure.

All in all, shit has sucked in a major way in life & i have absolutely been depressed, and yet I haven't wanted to use (not drugs that is) but as all this crap reaches a head - and i am preparing to move. I feel a new found sense of hope that maybe the sun will soon be rising off in the horizon. Eventually. We aren't breaking up -per se- we are just going to be living in different places.

We have been talking about things and new resolutions have been made & maybe (just maybe) this time we'll stick to our plans. Maybe we won't. Only we individually have the power to change ourselves and only God really knows how this will turn out but...
JUST FOR TODAY: I ain't getting high, I'm grateful that through it all I haven't used any drugs and thanks to my fellowship, sponsor and friends - I haven't had to walk this path alone. God is good and recovery is the shit ! If you didn't know - you better ask somebody.
Peace.