COming from Ohio, this is definitely different, Palm trees, nice weather. Very beautiful scenery. Back home its snowy & a mess they tell me. So why do I feel like I left my smile back in Ohio ? Homesick ? After 2 short days ? Maybe. But i think that maybe it's because my girl told me upon my arrival that we should be on the splits. Yeah I know, I know what youre going to say: Dumbass you asked for this ! No I didn't just ask for it - I worked hard for it & now that its here - I want to fuckin' jump off the planet & cease to exist. All of a sudden, I can see the error of my ways - all the things that I should've done but didn't, all the things I did but shouldn't have. Funny how things become so crystal clear in hindsight. Needless to say - she is firm & nothing I can say or do will change that.
Reality Check: 1. I had some authentic concerns and reasons for wanting out of the relationship (even if only temporarily so that we could benefit from the shock factor) 2. I have some great qualities - I'm a good person, nobody can take that away from me. 3. I have great friends and support to help see me through this & I know that all feelings eventually pass.
Fantasy World: This shit sucks & it hurts, I feel rejected and like the worlds biggest loser. I fear that one of my buddies will be sleeping with her. I fear that my relationship with my 2 year old son will be greatly affected.
Life on Life's Terms: I am fucking powerless ! Not a damn thing that I can do will change any of this. I have been crying & praying, and then sometimes I pray & cry. But I ain't fucking using. I'm talking to people (which is weird because I am far from home with limited phone access.
The Disease: I want to screw my way through these feelings - anybody & everybody. Thats about as smart an idea as any idiot ever came up with. Sounds good but... even in the midst of this storm I somehow sense that that ain't a real spiritual idea.
Just for today: I can hold on, sometimes thats all I have in me to do - and don't use and maybe I can not act out and further complicate my life.
God is great - I just have to remember to accept His greatness
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