Oh well the proverbial shit has hit the fan. My significant other periodically reads this blog so I have chosen to be "selective" about what I post. Especially topics which can be a little sensitive to her. Well due to an unfortunate turn of events I can get free now.
One: Our relationship has been in a very strained state lately. I believe that this is primarily because as we have grown and evolved in our recovery process (process of getting to know ourselves and growing up) we have grown in different directions at times. We each (as all couples do) have our various preferences - but in our case we have discovered that a chasm has developed between our respective belief systems with respect to finances, family, relationships, etc. This reality has presented us with serious challenges - which to our credit, we have been working on - and yet the end result has been, resentment, anger, disappointment and at times a pessimistic absense of hope. Such has been the story of my life of late. (I have been sharing with a few select individuals & my sponsor but my blog has certainly been neglected.)
Well I have learned that there is no bad situation that a drink, drug or bad decision can't make worse. In my case it was the latter. I started talking to another woman. Talking was the the furthest extent of it & yet there was boundary violation, betrayal of trust, dishonesty, disrespect, etc. that took place. I was guilty. And stupid. Then I got found out. Well things rapidly deteriorated from there. I apologized and went through all the corrective steps that I knew how to take - but you can't place expectations or time limits on other people's processes. So today we are still stuck in the madness. And its ok.
Timing played an important role in this calamity because we had already been talking about seperating when this indiscretion was uncovered. So the fire was now further fueled. Oh well.
Fast forward to today. I am looking to pack and move asap. There is tension in this house and I am indeed reminded of my powerlessness.
Beyond that I was complaining to my sponsor about missed appointments to go over my step-work and he promptly reminded me that while we're waiting that i could feel free to "live the program" seeing as I have worked all 12 steps already anyway. I thought that was a great idea - so i'm rededicating myself to steps 10, 11 & 12 (as well as the rest of them) on a daily basis.
My family and I are living with "her mom" and its been nothing short of crazy - adults who don't clean up behind themselves, a small house that is at times over-crowded - they keep in-laws over constantly spending the weekends, pets (a dog & a cat) running around, disrepectful kids and a variety of other issues which we had talked about before we moved here. Issues that i foresaw as potential trouble spots, issues which we had agreed to address. So far everything that we agreed on has not been honored. Which at times makes me feel like I have been completely bull-shitted by these people. (*when i say 'these people' i mean her mom & to a certain extent: her) But the sledge-hammer flavored icing on the cake has definitely been the fact that we moved here to help her mom (who was in dire straits financially) and also to allow ourselves an opportunity to save more money. Well as far as that goes: we haven't saved shit & in fact are spending more money here that when we were in our own 3 bedroom house. - Go figure.
All in all, shit has sucked in a major way in life & i have absolutely been depressed, and yet I haven't wanted to use (not drugs that is) but as all this crap reaches a head - and i am preparing to move. I feel a new found sense of hope that maybe the sun will soon be rising off in the horizon. Eventually. We aren't breaking up -per se- we are just going to be living in different places.
We have been talking about things and new resolutions have been made & maybe (just maybe) this time we'll stick to our plans. Maybe we won't. Only we individually have the power to change ourselves and only God really knows how this will turn out but...
JUST FOR TODAY: I ain't getting high, I'm grateful that through it all I haven't used any drugs and thanks to my fellowship, sponsor and friends - I haven't had to walk this path alone. God is good and recovery is the shit ! If you didn't know - you better ask somebody.
Peace.
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1 comment:
Ah Bless. That's a tough road. but us alcoholic blogsters are thinking of you and sending you good wishes on this stage of your journey.
Thanks for keeping us posted. yeah, the emotional (as opposed to a physical) affair is a sticky issue. I have been guilty of not realizing the significance of short non physical meetings with others whom I have felt attracted to. It is not something I would do today. But its a common error of judgment in relationships.
you live and learn.
I do not (now) vicariously spend time alone with others I find attractive for precisely this reason. it IS a betrayal. Just because nothing pysical occurs does not make it any less so. The internal 'contract' is violated by such an act. Ideally EVERYTHING is out in the open. Hey. You are only human, and I missed this one too in the past. So just do your lousy best (thats all I do) and see what happens.
Relationships aren't easy are they? but you never know. Keep an open mind. never say never. And do NOT succumb to the desire to punish or blame (as much as you can anyway) You need to 'sow' good karma seeds, at this point in your life to bring about some good karma outcomes. So keep your heart 'clean' by freeing up the resentment that arises in a way that does NOT harm others. This will ensure some god karma down the road. and i think you need some of that right now. Remember. Do the right things, AND THE RIGHT THINGS WILL HAPPEN.
But you are NOT allowed to be a doormat. Why? Because that's is NOT!! spiritual. So just try to do the next right thing. Ask for LOTS of help. And be nice to a few newcomers. Them watch the magic unfold.
Oh yeah, and if the wife/partner whatever is driving you nuts. Try to think of her as a newcomer. it helps.
Anyway. yu know what though? your post sounds GREAT. Meaning YOU sound great. So you are doing something right.
Hang in there. Keep on keeping on. we will be thinking of you.
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