God Help Me

This morning I am once again asking for God to show me the way and give me strength to stay on His path. I ask this because even though I think I know what's best for me, in any given situation all I really know is what I want. I ask for the power because even if I do get a clue about what is best - I will still often times pursue what I want. This "self-centered" shit is a bitch.
Lately the World Class Roller-Coaster which I call: 'my emotions' has taking me into the wonderful world of "I am starting to fucking hate this evil cold hearted bitch!" This may sound drastic, but these are MY feelings. Due to some unfortunate turn of events - I have been very politley asked to relocate my person & belongings immediately - which is not all that bad considering I wanted to do that anyway (in an effort to rekindle an appreciation and re-dedication to our relationship; which was obviously on the ropes. well that shit really back-fired because now SHE wants me to go - no talk of working to repair things, just some fucking crap about wanting to be single. Bitch. There's things that needed to be addressed here; like why we made agreements to improve things that aren't being honored, resulting in our continuing to stay stuck in a bullshit place in our relationship. Promises made but not kept. Issues discussed and solutions proposaed and yet never honored. And people wonder why things aren't improving. Maybe its because I/we lack the ability to just accept the shit I/we really can change but are too lazy and selfish to change. Yeah well what-the-fuck ever.
But that's not the worst of it; I think the worst is the fact that I have been accused of "dragging her self-esteem through the mud"?!?!? I guess I did that when I kept bringing grown up discussions to the table - topics concerning money management, our strategy for raising children & keeping house. Yeah I am very fucking guilty of wanting to improve in those areas - cut my fucking throat for wanting to be able to actually save money, raise kids that are respectful, responsible and obedient; oh and you might as well shoot me for wanting to have a clean, presentable home with nice things in it too, cuz i sure am guilty of trying to discuss that topic too. To the best of my recollection I never called her an 'idiot', 'dumbass', moron, or any other derogatory name; nor have I hit her or hardly ever cussed her out. I believe my crime has been to bring these subjects up - time and again as years rolled by and we continued to not grow in these areas.
Yeah i guess i was the fucking bad guy - i feel like if this is who SHE is then SHE could've revealed this bullshit to me a long time ago and saved me some heartache - fucking bitch.
I know i must sound awfully bitter - because i feel awfully bitter. I dont know what else to feel.
Maybe my feelings aren't matching up to the situation - but when you add to the equation the fact that here I am in the end, packin up my shit into a few bags and leaving this place to go sleep on somebody's (couch, floor or whatever) and without any money - I struggle not to think about how fucking unfair life can be.
Yeah I said NO money ! WHy don't we have ANY money ? I don't know, I didn't ask - it ain't the first time, probably won't be the last time - maybe Christmas has something to do with it ? How fucking ironic. AT any rate she ain't talking about it & I guess that makes her feel better - I don't want to talk about it - after all I don't want to 'drag her self-esteem' through the mud any more than I already have. Fucking Bitch.
Although I might sound hateful, i'm not. i'm just trying to share honestly so that i can heal. i haven't been rude or in any way disrespectful - on the contrary I have been fucking beggin her to reconcile - just agree to maybe work on fixing what has been in need of fixing - things like maybe trying something new, keeping promises, honoring committments - dumbshit like that - even while I agree to move out BROKE, but all i get in return for my efforts, begging and pleading is a bunch of cold, non-chalant, rejection. Like I am some type of stray pet found on the street that just isn't working out. No wait - i don't even get treated that good because we, i mean SHE picked up a stray (despite my suggestions to get a clean pet from the Anti-Cruelty Society) a pet that was stinking up our entire house and scratching all the time - SHE hasn't managed to give up on that little fucker yet, just me. Maybe the damn cat is just a little smarter than me - after all the cat never asks why things aren't improving or any other tough question that might make a person take a look at their behaviors. And some people have the nerve to call them dumb animals. I think that description fits me better.
Anyway here we are - me: feeling like a discarded piece of shit, being politely disposed of as my period of usefulness has passed. SHE still not talking, expressing herself, verbally communicating - even though we agreed years ago that that was something that NEEDED working on. SHE was supposed to comment on my blog (last week) it would've been nice for me to hear a response; but i guess it wasn't "comfortable" for HER - oh well fuck me, fuck progress, fuck growth & fuck every God-damn thing in life except what is fucking "comfortable" for HER! because God forbid She might feel that her fucking "self-esteem" is being damaged.
Just for today - this is some fucking bullshit, i fucking hate life, i fucking hate her, i fucking want to just curl up into a ball and die. I never saw this coming - nobody fucking warned me, nobody raised a fuss - oh but let her want to get her fucking nails done and i would've heard a ruckus. I think about all this shit and all i can thin to myself is:
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
All in all God is good and things could be worse, i know that all my feelings aren't real, i know that feelings dont kill. i know that my joy comes in the morning. i know that God will see me through. I know that i must pass through this place in order to grow. I know that this too shall pass. i know that no matter what I don't have to use. I know that I am grateful that I have somewhere to go to get the help that I need. I know that its ok for me to scream, holler, cuss and yell right here on this blog - i can get free right here and never act out in real life. Thank you God for my life.