Fantasy Nightmare

Picture this: You meet the woman of your dreams and you guys get together to build the life together that you've always wanted but were incapable of having due to this God-awful "disease of addiction" that you suffer from. She's awesome - she understand everything about you, because she's in the same 12 Step program that you're in. Can't beat this right? Time passes and you have a child, a beautiful child and you are determined to be there for this child, loving him & helping him - you know, like 'normal' people do. So all is well in this dream, until you realize that things don't always go the way they 'should' and that in fact "should" is word that indicates control & expectation issues. Ok this is nothing to be alarmed about - things don't 'always' go the way that "I" think they 'should' go so I wrestle with getting some acceptance on this matter, cuz the most important thing is that "we love each other" right? Well more time passes and you discover that you guys have quite a few differences and you find yourself often feeling like shaking, choking, pleading with, murdering, or abandoning people. But you keep the lines of communication open, you share honestly with your mate & others, stay prayerful and you keep the faith. So more time passes and you feel like nothing is changing - although if you really think about it you know that some things are changing but for the most part - a lot of things that aggrivate you are recurring issues. So fast forward to today- you are tired as hell and you really just want things to be the way you think they should - you don't think you're asking for too much, you believe that you should have a right to your personal preferences. Compromise isn't a bad thing is it? All this is rolling around in your head and it makes for one big justification to leave your relationship. Then you think about the lack of acceptance that you have, lack of trust & faith in God to make things right, the inability to be understanding when it comes to other people's defects of character and the total absence of unconditional love in this scenario. Then you really feel like shit. Why can't i have things the way i want them - because the program says so? That's not it. I better call somebody quick. Just For Today - maybe you oughta be grateful that this isn't a description of your life. I know that I am grateful if only for the fact that even though my life may not be where I want it to be - it surely isn't as bad as it used to be. You should also find gratitude for me condensing this blog - I could've written volumes on this topic.
Peace