She's Leaving Me...

I think that if I keep it up - she's going to walk out on me. I complain quite a bit. (I justify it as enforcing my boundaries) I criticize often. (I justify that as my way of helping her to improve herself) I withdraw my conversation and attention. (I rationalize this behavior as being better if I just shut up rather than keep on bitching about things) Now I have been finding fault in the way she dresses. ( Too much cleavage, etc.) I almost look at it like I don't blame her for dressing sexier - maybe she desires compliments and attention and since she isn't getting much from me... what do I really expect. I don't know what is real from what is imaginary very much these days & I sometimes am almost suspicious that maybe she is pondering the company of another. But nah ! I don't really believe that - but I do believe that if I stay on this course then it can become a very real possibility. I am torn: On the one hand there's what I believe is right & what I want and on the other hand there's having acceptance and being ok with what is. This is my struggle. Just for today I can look for the solution to my problems and I can reach out for help. I am finishing my sixth step and I am grateful that the solution lies within this process.

Fear or Faith...?

Sometimes I wonder whats holding my relationship together: fear or faith? Fear that I will regret walking away from it. that I will be miserable without her. Or faith that despite whatever differences we may have - things will get better and this will be the love of all time. We have changed and evolved and discovered more about each other - some good, some not so good. We make a good team from the standpoint of supporting each other in living comfortably, in our recovery, in running our business and taking care of our family. But our romantic side has taken some heavy blows. Our quality time piece is catch as catch can & half the time it seems like catch aint catching what he can cuz he really isn't interested (or too busy) to make much of an effort. We have talked about this and even though i understand that change comes sometimes slowly... I start wondering if its coming at all & the next thought is always well why am I still here. If it ain't the way I 'd like for it to be and if there is no indication of anything changing then what is my real motivation for being here? Do I hate myself that much? My disease loves this situation because it has many opportunities to stir up chaos & confusion & negativity. I know that we are growing - the question is - are we growing in the same direction? What can I do? What can I change? Where will I find the answers? No matter what - today was still a very good day - still clean and still appreciating the precious gift of recovery which reminds me that even tho things may look dark, there is always hope.

Food, Folks & Fun...

I spent the day at a Recovery Event & had a fantastic time. Fellowshipped with people from several states (many of whom I had met before). It feels good when people with years & years remember my name or face. I made some important busines contacts too. Possible invitations to vend at upcoming events. We submitted a design to the Convention Logo Contest & won (the competition was pretty stiff too). All in all, the day was pretty damn good. As I keep coming back things just keep getting better for me in every area of my life. I can't put a price tag on the feeling of love & belonging that I get from the members of this fellowship - from the newer members to the old-timers - people have a way of making you feel at home here. Ahhhhhhhh yes... Just for today, this is the life. I think I'll continue working on my stepswork so I can try to make these feeling last.

Forecast: sunny & bright !

I am feeling a lot better today, more hopeful & optimistic. The half-empty glass is now suddenly half-full. I have been praying, and talking and listening and praying & PRESTO ! the storms clouds have moved on. I have been freaking out because I am wrestling with the notion of sending my toddler son to the daycare center. "Not my boy" I said. But I was also becoming the town grump - because taking care of him all day long while my wife works has been stressing me out. It was cool in the beginning, but after 18 months; I am feeling very frazzled. It has been suggested that maybe we send him to the daycare twice a week (just for half-a-day) but I couldn't get with that - just the thought caused me to re-live feelings of the child abandonment that is all over my fourth step (that done to me by my father and that done to my three other children by me in active addiction) Of course I was the last to know what my reall problem was, and of course my anger, fears & resentment came out in every sideways form known to man. But there is something about the "pain" that forces a surrender. So I surrendered and started talking and praying. And I have consented to allow my baby boy to spend a couple of "half-days" aweek playing with children his own age & to give myself a much needed break. It is kinda hard to run a business with a 18 month old running amok in the house with me. In retrospect: It all seems so silly. Once again I fell victim to living in the fantasy world, once again I became a slave to my fears, Made a mountain out of a mole-hill. And once again I had no idea what I was really going through. Thank God for the help that is available to me through sponsorship and my network of friends in this program. Growth is a beautiful thing - the pain that forces it upon me isn't always fun, but Just for today I am happy to have once again found the path and rejoin those who are walking on it.

Waiting To Exhale...

I stand at that awkward point in time right where the 1,000 pound weight has been lifted off my chest. The one that kept me from being able to breathe. Well it's been removed and now i'm here in the split-second between the lifting of the burden and the actual returning to breathing process. Although this "is/will be" of relatively short duration, it "seems" like it is just being stretched out into an unbearable length of time. Partially because when bad things happen they seem to never end - even though I know that the situation will pass. Another contributing factor is patience - not one of my natural strong points. And finally I am aware that the basis of this dillema is the Fear which lies at the core of my disease. Afraid that if I breathe and relax my guard - I might get another weight dropped on me, maybe an even bigger one. In case you can't put the pieces together this is all symbolic dialogue relating to the ebb & flow of being an addict in a relationship.
Whew - I hope that wasn't to cryptic. Just for today - I am truly grateful for beginning to know my enemy, for this helps me in the battle for my serenity, sanity & my life.

How about now ?

I originally wanted to title this piece "the invisible man" or "hey, remember me?" because I am at this very complacent space in my relationship where I perform my duties as expected and life goes on. It seems at times that this is a thankless job; where taking each other for granted is all too easy and a lack of gratitude must be constantly gaurded against... or else; situations will develope where two people hardly share anything more intimate than brief telephone conversations or 5 minutes talking to each other in the same room (while performing other household tasks). Then as soon as the 'other task' is completed someone leaves the room and the 'conversation' is terminated. The mental tug-of war rages in my head - thoughts of "this is crap! I deserve more of a life" battling with thoughts of "get into the solution, what is my part, what can i do to make things better. etc. etc. etc." I have so much to learn about life - i had no idea how much work life could be. Oh well thank God for the reallization that things could definitely be worse.
Just for today I know that its ok to feel whatever I feel (I'm not the bad guy); I also know that I don't have to act on my feelings, and my favorite 'sobering' thought: "All feelings eventually pass". I think I'm going to call my sponsor...

Can you hear me now...?

Once again I have one of those situations in my life where my ability to communicate is breaking down. Seems like whatever I try to talk to my 'old lady' about falls on deaf ears. It just never seems to hit her ears the way it left my mouth. Resulting in miscommunication and an apparent overall waste of my oxygen. Every now and then somebody else will tell her something that will cause her to say to me - "that makes sense, what you've been telling me". By this time I've usually given up in frustration (SURRENDERED). Oddly enough; instead of feeling better & vindicated, I end up feeling unappreciated and wanting to make uncool comments. The really difficult part is that I will now develope the expectation that things will be different. Hahahahahahaha - That's a good one. But the 'scary-go-round' keeps right on spinning. My gratitude is that Just for Today; I can keep my mouth closed, feel whatever I feel without acting out & just let life happen (for better or worse) without choking or cussing anybody out. I guess I might want to look at finding a new way to communicate or something - maybe there are some improvements that I can make.