Friday, May 4, 2007
Forecast: sunny & bright !
I am feeling a lot better today, more hopeful & optimistic. The half-empty glass is now suddenly half-full. I have been praying, and talking and listening and praying & PRESTO ! the storms clouds have moved on. I have been freaking out because I am wrestling with the notion of sending my toddler son to the daycare center. "Not my boy" I said. But I was also becoming the town grump - because taking care of him all day long while my wife works has been stressing me out. It was cool in the beginning, but after 18 months; I am feeling very frazzled. It has been suggested that maybe we send him to the daycare twice a week (just for half-a-day) but I couldn't get with that - just the thought caused me to re-live feelings of the child abandonment that is all over my fourth step (that done to me by my father and that done to my three other children by me in active addiction) Of course I was the last to know what my reall problem was, and of course my anger, fears & resentment came out in every sideways form known to man. But there is something about the "pain" that forces a surrender. So I surrendered and started talking and praying. And I have consented to allow my baby boy to spend a couple of "half-days" aweek playing with children his own age & to give myself a much needed break. It is kinda hard to run a business with a 18 month old running amok in the house with me. In retrospect: It all seems so silly. Once again I fell victim to living in the fantasy world, once again I became a slave to my fears, Made a mountain out of a mole-hill. And once again I had no idea what I was really going through. Thank God for the help that is available to me through sponsorship and my network of friends in this program. Growth is a beautiful thing - the pain that forces it upon me isn't always fun, but Just for today I am happy to have once again found the path and rejoin those who are walking on it.
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3 comments:
So much in parenting, like so much in life and so much in recovery, is a process of opening doors and letting go. The fact is that a good daycare will give your child opportunities he'd never get at home (good AND bad) and being there for him requires letting him find his way.
I had the benefit of an early childhood education program that I attended at the university my father went to. Just half days, four days a week, at the age of 3 and 4. I loved the experience. By 3rd grade I was reading at a 6th grade level and had well developed interests in social sciences. Other factors created my educational failure buy my ability to and love of learning began at home and was developed in pre-school. And I'm grateful to my parents for that.
Thanks for sharing Chris - what you say is very true & encouraging.
Half empty or half full, it doesn't really matter. If you have an 18 month old in the house you know that either way it is going to spill.
And THAT is why we have sippy cups.
Now THAT'S Methed Up!
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