Tenth Step

i am doing better than i feel.
God is getting me through this.
i am learning more about recovery, God, myself and this disease than i ever thought possible.
it still sucks though.
i still hurt from time to time, not as bad and for not as long but it still hurts.
i still actually cry.
i cried today in fact.
but oh well...
it is what it is.
i am powerless.
i wil not add to my own misery by continuing to make contact.
i am grateful.
for the passing of this storm and all the blessings it has brought me.
i am a rock and will not be moved - not today.
me, God and the fellowship, program and steps can get me through whatever, i believe !
i am grateful for my new job, my new life, my son, my family, friends and renewed relationships in and out of this program.
i am especially grateful for my future which i believe will be a happy, joyous and free one.
yes i do hurt from time to time but me & God are going to be alright.
Just for today my prayers go out to the addict that still suffers, the addict that has no clue what this disease can do to you CLEAN, and to the addicts that have not found a power greater than themselves.
We do recover and my life is the message of hope.
Peace.

Faith & Fear

I haven't been writing much lately, I been doing stepwork, attending meetings, celebrating my 3 year anniversary, sharing with my support people, fellowshipping with friends and just basically working on creating a better life for me.
There have been high points and low points - the storm ain't over yet.
But... God has been pulling me through.
Today i have plenty of evidence that He is...
I can sleep in my own bed alone without freaking out. I can turn down the company of a woman and choose to be alone. I can get through the day without crying or calling or doing things that harm myself and others. I have been working very hard but the glory goes to my Higher Power who gives me what I need to make it through.
I have fear today - i have begun to face a new reality:
you see i have been keeping the faith that someday i would get that relationship back, sooner or later i was hoping that i might get another chance, I have been moving forward with my life but i have never fully given up hoping, wishing and waiting.
Well yesterday I talked to my ex and she told me that she had been thinking about it (which doesn't mean much and it certainly doesn't change the reality that we are still apart) but it gave me hope. I kept my focus on reality and didn't give in to the fantasy but it prompted me to start thinking about how things would be...
would thingsd ever really be the same, has there been damage that can't be repaired, how will i feel if i had the chance to hold her again, will my trust be damaged?
i am afraid because i am really starting to see that there is a chance that that relationship is gone forever.
i have fear that the longer we are apart the the less likely that we could ever return to each other. i have been hurt and can i ever really forgive and forget?
i have fears but i also have a willingness to try, but how long will this last?
for the longest time all i knew was three things:
1. i don't want to get high - no matter what
2. i want the pain to end
3. i want her back
now i am looking at what the reality of never ever getting her back and a new lesser form of grief and closure.
i think it would really be a sad shame after all that we have invested in that relationship to just let it die - i think together we are both some very beautiful people who value family and recovery and that we have much to look forward to.
but i guess God's will will be done and i just have to keep on trusting in Him and believeing that everything is going to be ok.
Just for today I may not know what lies ahead on this path, but i betcha i'm going to keep travelling on it - CLEAN!
God Bless

May God Bless...

Just for today I don't have to be the crying little boy angry at life and God for not allowing me to have what I want. I can accept God's will and trust that His plan is perfect (not always to my liking or understanding).
Today I can recognize my blessings and be grateful for my process, keep the focus on me, do what i have to do for me.
Just for today I can get into the solution and stop focusing on what i think the problem is.
I can take time out to recognize that God is and has been working it all out all along.
Just for today I can be at peace with my life and find gratitude in knowing that I do not have to travel alone or try to figure everything out by myself.
Just for today I can be grateful that God is in control and I no longer have to fool myself into believing that I am running things.
I can let go and let God.
Just for today I can pray for others, care about others best interests, hope that people have success in their lives and move aside and enjoy others' processess trusting that God will get us all where we need to be when we need to be there.
Just for today - i can stop all the crying and whining and return to living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
God has been carrying me through (using plenty of angels and messengers) and I have far too much to be grateful for to be wasting my time complaining.
Thank you God for another day in the land of the living - CLEAN !
I love you, and I wish you peace in your life.

Baby Mama...

Thanks for being so fair,
The way you made a decision that affected my family
I appreciate the way you took no one else’s feelings into consideration
The way you just changed all our lives
I hope you find what you need
Thanks for being so fair
I am grateful that I can see my son 4 or 5 times a week
That’s just great
Thanks
I’d like to thank you from his heart too, I know he’s too young to speak about it
But I’m sure that he’s happy to be able to see his dad, sometimes
Thanks from our son.
Thanks also from your son
Remember him?
The one who’s dad abandoned him,
The one I took in as my own.
Though it wasn’t easy, over time he and I established a bond,
He had a dad again.
Had.
Yeah I know that he doesn’t know how to express his true feelings so I’ll say it for him:
Thanks
Now we barely see each other.
Thanks for being so God damned fair
To yourself
And for considering us
For believing in the commitment that we made to each other
All of us
Not just you and me
But our family
Thanks for playing God and deciding what was best for us all
Thanks for not taking any time out to consider us
Or reconsider
Thanks for changing peoples lives forever
From all of us little people that you may have forgotten about
Us, that also have feelings.
In case you didn’t know how we felt
I just want to tell you
Thanks.
I hope you have all the fun in the world – I guess that’s what really matters most in your little world.
God bless you.

Just for today, thanks for taking that show on the road, maybe God has something way more class than that in store for me.

The Message...

After much prayer and meditation this is the message that has come to my mind...

"Do you know me?
Do you know how much I love you?
How I have kept watch over you, hoping that you would make the right choices?
Do you know me?
Do you know how much I have wept for you during your hardships and struggles and heartaches?
How I have protected you from harm many times?
Do you know me?
Do you know that I have often watched you sleep and planted beautiful dreams in your mind?
Do you know that I have given you the sun in order that your travels would not be in darkness?
Do you know that every morning I take the time to personally wake you up; everyday without fail?
Do you know me?
That I have always rooted for you and had only the best plans for your life?
Do you know that I have loved you from the beginning of your life?
Do you know that even when you fall I am there to always pick you up?
Did you know that no matter what you do I will always love and forgive you?
Do you know me?
Do you know that I had one son and He gave his life for you?
Do you even know me?
Do you know that I have given you life?
Do you know that I have done all these things for you and only you?
Do you know that when you are hurting, so am I?
Do you know me?
Do you know that I have never asked for anything in return?
Do you know that I want you to know me, to love me, to walk with me, to feel all the love in the world through me?
Do you want to know me?
I am here.
I have always been here.
Right here.
Waiting.
Wanting.
You.
Only you.
I love you.
Do you know me?
Please come get to know me, I’m your father."


just for today... thank you God.

Dammit...

man i have a few good days and BAM ! here comes the rain again.
i hate this. God knows i hate this. i pray all day long. i share about it. i help others, i keep busy and i still have my hands full trying not to cry.
i know its getting better.
i feel its almost over.
i know its for the best.
i thank God everyday and night.
i just hate the hurt.
i just hate the change.
i just hate losing the girl.
i hate that i fucked it all up.
i hate that it ain't never going to be the same again.
i know that God has something better for me and i better get busy growing so that i can be ready for it.
i know that good will come of this.
i know that God knows best.
i know that i am worthy to be loved & i believe that i will have the courage to love again.
i know that i am growing and will be able to help somebody (already am helping people).
i know that i have assets.
that i am a good man and father and friend.
but just for today the best news is that
i know that i aint got to use.

trouble is knowing all this doesn't take the hurt away.

Processing

I've come a long but I've got a ways to go...
a ways to go i believe before i will feel "normal" again. Maybe i will never again be "normal" as far as my old definition of "normal" goes. When i share in meetings it's different; not as passion filled or clear as it used to be. (I have decided to just listen for the most part).
a ways to go before i will be able to be intimate with another female; i try but i still don't feel comfortable at all. (i have decided to give myself a break and just take my time).
a ways to go before i will feel comfortable going to any events or certain larger meetings in this or any outlying area; whenever i hear about a special function, dance or fund-raiser i cringe and think about how i might run into the "happy couple" there and i just scratch that off my list, same with certain meetings i just don't go - even with my anniversary coming up i have decided not to celebrate at the large meetings that i have attended for years because i don't want to set myself up for more pain.
i want to fall into a self pity mode (poor me) and i also want to fall into a blaming mode about how certain people are so rude and inconsiderate but fuck that, it does not benefit me to fall into negativity - i'm just going to go to smaller meetings and avoid events for a while.
i had some good news the other day when an addict called me (with several years clean) to talk about her failing relationship woes. I listened and empathized and shared with her. I told her that i understand and she said "i know you do, if nobody else does i know you do" she said "when i heard you share your pain in a meeting two weeks ago, i knew you would be the one i called on to help me when my relationship finally crumbled"
now we shared and it was purely addict to addict, no funny business at all and my point is that people have shared with me that what i have been going through wasn't only for me but was a preparation for me to be able to help somebody else. after yesterday i feel pretty good being able to help somebody, i have been helping people for years but this was different - there was something really awesome that happened to me.
it is an honor to have been chosen by God to be of service to another human being, it is an honor to be asked for help in such a time of crises. it is an honor to have somebody belive in me and see me as an inspiration.
Just for today, i am confused, in a little bit of pain, honored and definitely grateful.
Thank you God.