Processing

I've come a long but I've got a ways to go...
a ways to go i believe before i will feel "normal" again. Maybe i will never again be "normal" as far as my old definition of "normal" goes. When i share in meetings it's different; not as passion filled or clear as it used to be. (I have decided to just listen for the most part).
a ways to go before i will be able to be intimate with another female; i try but i still don't feel comfortable at all. (i have decided to give myself a break and just take my time).
a ways to go before i will feel comfortable going to any events or certain larger meetings in this or any outlying area; whenever i hear about a special function, dance or fund-raiser i cringe and think about how i might run into the "happy couple" there and i just scratch that off my list, same with certain meetings i just don't go - even with my anniversary coming up i have decided not to celebrate at the large meetings that i have attended for years because i don't want to set myself up for more pain.
i want to fall into a self pity mode (poor me) and i also want to fall into a blaming mode about how certain people are so rude and inconsiderate but fuck that, it does not benefit me to fall into negativity - i'm just going to go to smaller meetings and avoid events for a while.
i had some good news the other day when an addict called me (with several years clean) to talk about her failing relationship woes. I listened and empathized and shared with her. I told her that i understand and she said "i know you do, if nobody else does i know you do" she said "when i heard you share your pain in a meeting two weeks ago, i knew you would be the one i called on to help me when my relationship finally crumbled"
now we shared and it was purely addict to addict, no funny business at all and my point is that people have shared with me that what i have been going through wasn't only for me but was a preparation for me to be able to help somebody else. after yesterday i feel pretty good being able to help somebody, i have been helping people for years but this was different - there was something really awesome that happened to me.
it is an honor to have been chosen by God to be of service to another human being, it is an honor to be asked for help in such a time of crises. it is an honor to have somebody belive in me and see me as an inspiration.
Just for today, i am confused, in a little bit of pain, honored and definitely grateful.
Thank you God.