Faith & Fear

I haven't been writing much lately, I been doing stepwork, attending meetings, celebrating my 3 year anniversary, sharing with my support people, fellowshipping with friends and just basically working on creating a better life for me.
There have been high points and low points - the storm ain't over yet.
But... God has been pulling me through.
Today i have plenty of evidence that He is...
I can sleep in my own bed alone without freaking out. I can turn down the company of a woman and choose to be alone. I can get through the day without crying or calling or doing things that harm myself and others. I have been working very hard but the glory goes to my Higher Power who gives me what I need to make it through.
I have fear today - i have begun to face a new reality:
you see i have been keeping the faith that someday i would get that relationship back, sooner or later i was hoping that i might get another chance, I have been moving forward with my life but i have never fully given up hoping, wishing and waiting.
Well yesterday I talked to my ex and she told me that she had been thinking about it (which doesn't mean much and it certainly doesn't change the reality that we are still apart) but it gave me hope. I kept my focus on reality and didn't give in to the fantasy but it prompted me to start thinking about how things would be...
would thingsd ever really be the same, has there been damage that can't be repaired, how will i feel if i had the chance to hold her again, will my trust be damaged?
i am afraid because i am really starting to see that there is a chance that that relationship is gone forever.
i have fear that the longer we are apart the the less likely that we could ever return to each other. i have been hurt and can i ever really forgive and forget?
i have fears but i also have a willingness to try, but how long will this last?
for the longest time all i knew was three things:
1. i don't want to get high - no matter what
2. i want the pain to end
3. i want her back
now i am looking at what the reality of never ever getting her back and a new lesser form of grief and closure.
i think it would really be a sad shame after all that we have invested in that relationship to just let it die - i think together we are both some very beautiful people who value family and recovery and that we have much to look forward to.
but i guess God's will will be done and i just have to keep on trusting in Him and believeing that everything is going to be ok.
Just for today I may not know what lies ahead on this path, but i betcha i'm going to keep travelling on it - CLEAN!
God Bless