Grateful...

People around me aren't staying clean and someone recently died. the treatment centers stay filled and The Detox Center is always busy. I have sponsees that I haven't heard from in a while now & there are those who keep relapsing again & again. Some people are homeless, jobless, penniless, in poor health, mourning the loss of loved ones, insane, hopelessly addicted to substances that will kill them. I won't forget to mention the children - the helpless victims of those caught up in active addiction, the family members exhausting themselves in fruitless attempts to help the addicted person. Today someone is out there committing crimes & degrading themselves in the futile quest to get "just one more" of something that they can never get enough of. Families, careers, futures, relationships & dreams are being destroyed today. God is reaching out His loving hand to someone today who will never know the comfort, strength, peace, calm & fulfillment waiting to be found there in Him. Here I lie complaining about my shoes when there are those who have no feet - sometimes i could just slap the shit outta myself. Oh well such is humanity, prone to occasional failures, errors, set-backs and shortcomings. Just for today I will be grateful for what I have and I will tell the disease to kiss my ass when it tries to have me focus on what I don't have.
Peace.

Can I still compete ?

We have been together for more than 3 years now - about a year longer than we've been in recovery. We have been through quite a bit, but we have managed to avoid lying, cheating, disrespecting and stealing (to, on & from each other). So hands down this is the most 'normal' relationship of my life. Trouble is; as with most relationships there is a very distinct 'business' side and 'romantic or personal' side to it. As the business side is concerned we have been growing and pretty much doing well - raising kids, paying bills, eating, etc. Now the personal side has taken some serious blows (i'd say it's been on life-support for a while now despite numerous discussions) It seems we just don't have the time (or maybe the interest) to be romantic anymore. It sounds worse than it is - but it is what it is. Lately I have been feeling like I don't have what it takes to grab her attention as far as conversations go. I am up against competition like "American Idol" phone calls from friends/sponsors/sponsees, etc., demanding kids ( 18months & 6 years old) needs, household work (laundry, cooking, cleaning), personal time (shopping, tanning, manicures, reading books & e-mail), meetings, etc., etc., etc., - There isn't anytime left for me. My schedule is equally hectic (not really but let's just say so for the purpose of not trying to sound like i'm bashing anybody). I just feel like i am playing second fiddle to life - like i have to just wait and i'll get my turn later........... I know that the only constant in life is change & boy am i getting experience in this area - but at what point does a body draw a boundary and say - enough is enough. I am trying to live this "just for today" program and yet my life (as it relates to this relationship) seems to be lived on a "wait till tomorrow" basis. I won't even mention that all this makes me feel a whole lot less than special - if you know what i mean. I won't even mention what my "disease" like to whisper in my ears (thoughts of escape, fuck-it-all, and i know how to fix this shit). Nah, I won't mention all that shit - cuz what's the point? Just for to day I will talk about my feelings, seek the help of a power greater than me to help me get restored to sanity and seek to live the solutions. I am always able to find comfort in the fact that "HOPE IS FOUND HERE" even hope that this too shall pass.
Peace

Well alrighty then...

I had found myself wallowing in negativity, thinking it, feeling it & worst of all speaking it. Hearing myself say negative things over and over again reinforced my ill beliefs and strengthened the hold over me that my disease was getting. I was stuck in the problem. Finally I talked about my feelings & fantasies of flight to my 'significant other' only to find that she had been entertaining similar notions. Uh ohhh this was the ultimate reality check because I don't want to lose her and i certainly don't want her to leave ME. (now if I leave her that's different) hmmm... i wonder whats up with that? Anyway we talked and discovered that nobody really wants to leave - we both want things to get better. So i asked what is it that i need to do. I didn't even tell her that i wanted anything in return - I just had better keep the focus on me, working on my defects and giving me best effort consistantly. Just for today the year is 2007 and there is no good excuse for my past experiences to disable my life in the present. It's time to let go of the 'old information', resentments and fears and 'Step into life' fully living in the present. Sounds real easy and good hunh? Well God i do believe i'm going to need your help on this one.
Peace

The Good, Bad & Ugly...

Today is Saturday and I woke up feeling good. I love the weekends because I don't have to do as much around the house. I didn't have anything pressing on my plate and i just felt pretty good. I finished working on my truck and had a good time playing baseball and basketball today. The kids didn't get on my nerves like they normally do and all seemed well in this man's world. I went to the 8pm meeting and my sponsee-brother was the speaker and i really enjoyed listening to him. Then I get home and almost instantly I noticed that my wife's mood/spirit just seemed to start sinking. I asked her about it and she has no answer. It seems like when she's hanging out with mom or other people she's more upbeat and happy, then when it's just she & I things get all quiet, boring, depressing - to me that's bad. What's ugly is the way it makes me feel; which is fuck it all ! If I'm not fun or exciting to be around to you then maybe somebody else will enjoy my company - this is unfortunately the norm for us. I don't really like it, but i feel like if i mention it it'll either be a waste of my time or it will create tension between us or it'll spark a quick and very temporary change in our circumstances - and i do emphasize the word temporary. It's like i ain't blind - i can see that you ain't all into me like you used to be. Yeah we've had our differences and shit and if it ain't going to get better then why drag it on & on. I don't want to sit by and wait for some slick talking mother fucker to come along and sweep her off her feet cuz she's all fucking bored with me. If it's gonna happen then let it be - but why should i wait around for that ? Do i look like a friggin idiot or something? Whew ! Glad to get that off my chest. Now what ? I don't know. I know that something's got to give and that something's going to give. Maybe i'm waiting for God to give me a sign. I think that what's killing us the most is the tension that's been created from a lot of discussion/criticism over housework, execise and raising the children - we don't act like we see eye-to-eye even though sometimes we talk like we do. It reminds me of my battle with drugs I feel like if i give up the fight then all hell will break loose - - - maybe i should just surrender. Just for today through the practice of honesty, open-mindedness & willingness I know that I am well on my way to a better life and that God works in mysterious way. I will keep doing what I believe is right and in due time more will be revealed. If God can rescue me from the miserable existence of active addiction then God can certainly help me with this.

Please Stand Up...

Will the real Brain Dead Genius please stand up? I understand that I suffer from a bad-ass disease. This mother-fucker will have me flippin' from real life to fantasy world in a split second without my knowledge or permission. I started writing this blog to express myself - free myself, (it's therapeutic ya know) but then somewhere along the way I got caught up in trying to sound good, wondering what people who read this (all 2 of them) will think of me. I slipped into trying to be what i thought that somebody else thought that i should be. Damn ! that's hard work just saying that shit let alone living it. So all I was getting out of this was some superficial shit. I may not know a whole lot but I know enough to know that around here any type of growth, relief & freedom requires real work (& the operative word in that sentence is real) I have to keep it real to the best of my ability and when I stray off course I got to come back strong & dedicated. Just for today - fuck wearing a mask, my life is on the line. This ain't no damn poetry - this is what it is, and i want to try my best to write it, feel it & live it just as it is - not the way my diseased thinking tells me it should be. And by the way - it really is a great day to be clean.
-------------peace

Right Here, Right now...

'Living fully in the moment.' That's one my goals in life these days. Sometimes I think that I am simply a product of yesterdays many tragedies. If i listen closely I can 'hear' the voices telling me to be prepared for the worst - which is losing everything like I have done time & time again. In my marriage, I am fully committed and yet every now and then I wonder if I am just going through the motions biding my time until it all crumbles to dust. I have never been able to hold onto anything in my life - a 10 year marriage, several jobs places of residence, relationships with my children, etc. My life's experience is that nothing lasts. Deprogramming myself is an ongoing process. Fear is the underlying cement that holds all that insanity in place. It all lives so deeply inside of me that I only barely have glimpses of periodic awareness, making 'detection, diagnosis & treatment difficult'. I have found myself living in 2007 and reacting to an event which occured in 1987. I have to blink my eyes and remind myself of where I am, what year it is and who I'm with. The worst part is that I will go for long periods of time with no symptoms (that I notice) which causes me to stop working on it and drop my guard - only to have "it" pop back up on me again. Geez for such a 'simple' program this shit can get pretty dificult at times. Just for today - i will check my calender and try to make sure that I am fully sunchronized and living in the present.
------------ peace.

She's Leaving Me...

I think that if I keep it up - she's going to walk out on me. I complain quite a bit. (I justify it as enforcing my boundaries) I criticize often. (I justify that as my way of helping her to improve herself) I withdraw my conversation and attention. (I rationalize this behavior as being better if I just shut up rather than keep on bitching about things) Now I have been finding fault in the way she dresses. ( Too much cleavage, etc.) I almost look at it like I don't blame her for dressing sexier - maybe she desires compliments and attention and since she isn't getting much from me... what do I really expect. I don't know what is real from what is imaginary very much these days & I sometimes am almost suspicious that maybe she is pondering the company of another. But nah ! I don't really believe that - but I do believe that if I stay on this course then it can become a very real possibility. I am torn: On the one hand there's what I believe is right & what I want and on the other hand there's having acceptance and being ok with what is. This is my struggle. Just for today I can look for the solution to my problems and I can reach out for help. I am finishing my sixth step and I am grateful that the solution lies within this process.