The Good, Bad & Ugly...

Today is Saturday and I woke up feeling good. I love the weekends because I don't have to do as much around the house. I didn't have anything pressing on my plate and i just felt pretty good. I finished working on my truck and had a good time playing baseball and basketball today. The kids didn't get on my nerves like they normally do and all seemed well in this man's world. I went to the 8pm meeting and my sponsee-brother was the speaker and i really enjoyed listening to him. Then I get home and almost instantly I noticed that my wife's mood/spirit just seemed to start sinking. I asked her about it and she has no answer. It seems like when she's hanging out with mom or other people she's more upbeat and happy, then when it's just she & I things get all quiet, boring, depressing - to me that's bad. What's ugly is the way it makes me feel; which is fuck it all ! If I'm not fun or exciting to be around to you then maybe somebody else will enjoy my company - this is unfortunately the norm for us. I don't really like it, but i feel like if i mention it it'll either be a waste of my time or it will create tension between us or it'll spark a quick and very temporary change in our circumstances - and i do emphasize the word temporary. It's like i ain't blind - i can see that you ain't all into me like you used to be. Yeah we've had our differences and shit and if it ain't going to get better then why drag it on & on. I don't want to sit by and wait for some slick talking mother fucker to come along and sweep her off her feet cuz she's all fucking bored with me. If it's gonna happen then let it be - but why should i wait around for that ? Do i look like a friggin idiot or something? Whew ! Glad to get that off my chest. Now what ? I don't know. I know that something's got to give and that something's going to give. Maybe i'm waiting for God to give me a sign. I think that what's killing us the most is the tension that's been created from a lot of discussion/criticism over housework, execise and raising the children - we don't act like we see eye-to-eye even though sometimes we talk like we do. It reminds me of my battle with drugs I feel like if i give up the fight then all hell will break loose - - - maybe i should just surrender. Just for today through the practice of honesty, open-mindedness & willingness I know that I am well on my way to a better life and that God works in mysterious way. I will keep doing what I believe is right and in due time more will be revealed. If God can rescue me from the miserable existence of active addiction then God can certainly help me with this.