'Living fully in the moment.' That's one my goals in life these days. Sometimes I think that I am simply a product of yesterdays many tragedies. If i listen closely I can 'hear' the voices telling me to be prepared for the worst - which is losing everything like I have done time & time again. In my marriage, I am fully committed and yet every now and then I wonder if I am just going through the motions biding my time until it all crumbles to dust. I have never been able to hold onto anything in my life - a 10 year marriage, several jobs places of residence, relationships with my children, etc. My life's experience is that nothing lasts. Deprogramming myself is an ongoing process. Fear is the underlying cement that holds all that insanity in place. It all lives so deeply inside of me that I only barely have glimpses of periodic awareness, making 'detection, diagnosis & treatment difficult'. I have found myself living in 2007 and reacting to an event which occured in 1987. I have to blink my eyes and remind myself of where I am, what year it is and who I'm with. The worst part is that I will go for long periods of time with no symptoms (that I notice) which causes me to stop working on it and drop my guard - only to have "it" pop back up on me again. Geez for such a 'simple' program this shit can get pretty dificult at times. Just for today - i will check my calender and try to make sure that I am fully sunchronized and living in the present.
------------ peace.
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