De Ja Vu...?

Yeah everything is looking very familiar to me. I have definitely been here before. I have a major event coming up and I am falling behind. Organization is not my strong point, but the temptation to start blaming those around me can be. I am fairly decent at organizing, but the bigger the project the greater the pressure that I put on myself. Maybe its fear of failure, inadequacy, letting others down - or maybe it's all or none of the above. Whatever it is, I have to concentrate extra hard and keep putting one foot in front of the other. The 'forces of evil' seem to be at work telling me to procrastinate, or look at what other people on the team are NOT doing. But I am hip to that game - that's all counter-productive. I can do this. We can do this. Whether it's a big business deal, being faithful in my marraige, raising my kids or staying clean on a daily basis. The truth of the matter is: there are going to be some challenges, some will be very difficult and I am allowed to bend, I just will not break. I have too many resources and too much power on my side. The love of a worldwide fellowship, friends, family, God and all that I have learned and become in my recovery process. Just for today: sometimes I have to be my own Coach, Cheerleader and Therapist, because I am a member of the "Whatever It Takes" club. I will do whatever it takes to stay clean, stay on the path & keep growing in my recovery.
Peace

Gratitude...

There's nothing really going on in my life today, and I sometimes have the tendency to not write when there's no drama. For some reason I think drama makes for more interesting reading. But in this new pathway of life that I travel, I understand the importance of recognizing and appreciating the serenity and peace of 'just another day'. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude today for the absence of chaos, good health, a bright outlook on my future and another day clean. I think I had a spiritual experience today driving through town listening to my stereo, there was an 'oldie'(from way back in the 90's) playing and it just 'took me there'. I was singing out loud and smiling and flooded with great emotions and memories of a time gone by. It was awesome. When the song went off, I thanked God for all the beauty in my life today especially the ability to feel again. Just for today; I know that everything I feel won't be joyous, but I am so very grateful for those feelings that are. What an unbelievably good day to be clean.
Peace.

Nothing to Fear, but fear itself...

Well I finally called and spoke to the committee in charge of the event that I didn't attend last weekend. I had been putting it off for a few days - kinda hoping that it'd go away, but oh well my program won't let me just ignore my responsibilities no matter how unpleasant they may "seem" to be. I say 'seem' because in this case, the whole scenario played out in a very cool way. Nobody was angry with me, just concerned. The conversation was encouraging and long story short - I'll still be doing business with them in the future. Go figure. I guess there's no limit to what God can do, when knuckleheads like me get out of the way. All along I had been plagued by fear. Fear that they'd cuss me out, blackball me & slander my name. I was even fearful that if they saw me in their town I might get beat up. Yeah my "irrational imagination"/diseased thinking works overtime & holidays. Anyway as ridiculous as that may sound to you - it sounded reasonable to me in my head. Thank God for sponsorship and supportive people in my life who came to the rescue and reminded me to "stop trippin' and call those people". Thank God for the honesty (to tell on myself), open-mindedness(to consider the suggestions) and the willingness (to go ahead and call despite my fear). So now in retrospect I guess the old saying has merit: Just for today as long as I follow this way, I have nothing to fear (except fear itself).
Peace.

Masterbation? Yuck!

Is masterbation a form of 'self-love'? Is it some nasty thing that only perverts do? Is it just another normal, natural thing that normal people do? Good question. The answer is... whatever you think it is. We create our own realities sometimes, and that reality can be ugly if its based on misinformation. Why am I even talking about this? because me & a friend were discussing it and it was revealed that I think masterbation is disgusting (unless it's a women on an adult movie) and that if I do it then I am disgusting and sneaky and nasty and perverted. Well needless to say I have done it and I have felt all those self-esteem assassinating feelings. So my friend and I were discussing how I came to view masterbating as such a bad thing. Something from my childhood - go figure. I'm a grown man operating on a child's information - sound familiar to anyone? Nah not this crowd, I'm sure. But anyway I just decided to take a leap of faith and share this in hopes that maybe I can get some relief. Because I don't want to continue feeling like a sicko if I decide to "periodically" indulge. Maybe somebody will have the courage to share something profound (which usually turns out to be profoundly simple) with me. Maybe people will be too afraid to touch this topic. Maybe people feel the same way I do. Just for today - I'm not in denial anymore - I have done it, and I know I'm not a sicko...
I'll just be glad when my mind believes that too. Whew ! feels like I just did a "mini-fourth step". JUST FOR TODAY: somebody had the courage to say some 'out there' things when I first got here & it helped me get freedom from that feeling of terminal uniqueness. Maybe it's my time to give back. And remember those that judge, don't matter & those that matter, don't judge.

You Don't Even Want To Know...

Feels like "all hell has broken loose" in my life. Here are my reasons why I feel like that:
1. Broke a business committment; No Call, No Show.
2. Lied about it to the other party.
3. Procrastinated (among other things) and caused delays in other responsibilities.
4. Been moving slow on my step work, after changing sponsors because my old sponsor kept me waiting to work steps*.
5. Been selling myself short in business deals - contributing to financial stress.
6. Been basically putting things (like life) off until tomorrow, knowing that I should be living for today, in today.
No I didn't go to jail or cheat on my wife or rob a bank but based on the way I "feel" about things lately, I might as well have. This whole "having a conscience" thing can really suck at time. I "feel" so like shit. I am truly disappointed in myself. I know that I am capable of doing better. These are facts about the way I feel. But everything I "feel" isn't based on facts. For example I "feel" like the lowest piece of shit on earth. Still a good-for-nothing, lying, lazy disappoinment of a man. I said "Still" because those are feeling that I had when I arrived at the 12 step program. My disease tells me to give it up, I'll never be normal or a worthwhile human being - fuck it, I'm a failure. A pretender. A dumbass. But I do have to thank God (quickly) for my 12 Step program, meetings, sponsorship & a network of people who remind me that:
1. We all fall short.
2. At best, we only human.
3. I am growing and have come a looooooooooooooooong way.
4. Get out of the problem and into the solution - which is: do better next time.
5. I am worthwhile, God loves me, you guys love me & to be honest: I love me.
6. I have so much to be grateful for if I just remember to look for it.
Yes sir this has been a hell-of-a week; which all came to a head today, but when I look at things with my NEW perspective I see that it wasn't so very bad after all. I didn't go use, so that means that I'll have another chance to get it right tomorrow. So in the midst of the storm, I thank God for the re-programming that I am receiving (some call it an awakening of the spirit) which prompts me to seek out a power greater than me which can restore me to sanity. Thanks God for the help that is available & the willingness to ask for it.
Peace

Point Taken & Thanks

Ok so I have been having my fair share or stresses lately and I've been sharing with people like my sponsor, friends and even my sponsees from time to time. Well one of my sponsees posted an awesome blog the other day; which I happened to read. It was about people in the meetings acting like life is so fucking wonderful when you know that they're struggling. He pointed out how some people NEVER put topics on the floor asking for help, but they are always ready to help someone else. He also shared that he was grateful that he isn't afraid to ask for help if he needs it. Well after reading that I started thinking about me, asking myself do I fall into that category and i had to be honest and reluctantly answer: kinda. I do share with bunches of people but i havent shared with the group in a while. So tonight I dropped it like it was hot - I put my topic on the floor and guess what: I got some hell-i-fied feedback. It was a great feeling to have the group caring about me & my shit and I got a lot of relief just getting it off my chest once again. After the meeting I was sharing with my wife (who just happens to be my sponsees sister) about her brother's blog and how it helped me and she told me that he wrote it about me. I 'bout died, it's really funny how God works, because what a coincidence that I just happened to read that particular blog of his (I'm not a regular reader) and even though I didn't go to the meeting with the intention of sharing, it just happened to get really quiet for a long time and I just said "fuck it, I might as well share". Just for today I don't put a whole lot of stock in coincidences, I believe that God works miracles and that sponsorship is definitely a two-way street. Hopefully I will keep doing the things that I suggest to my sponsees and that I will stay open-minded to receive God's messages regardless of the messenger.
Peace.

We Are The Champions...

"Ok life, is that the best you got ?" Life on life's terms has thrown everything but the kitchen sink at me in recent months and even though I stumbled I wouldn't fall. "Yeah baby, I'm still standing !" I didn't check into a Psych Ward, I didn't cuss anybody out, break anything or get high ! I have had to deal with relationship stress, financial stress, the stress of raising very young children, trouble running my business, changing sponsors and various other minor set-backs and disappointments (I once feared that my new truck was going to be repo'd). Whew I get tired just thinking about all that stress.
But there's something about the reprogramming that I have received as a result of regular meeting attendance and stepwork. Through the storm I knew to call people and share my pain & fears. I kept an open-mind to suggestions and had the willingness to try something different. I practiced a ton of faith and trust believing that as long as I stayed the course things would eventually get better.
So far there haven't been any big changes, most of the issues are still there but a new me is emerging from amidst the chaos. A grateful me. A me that realized that I have been under attack, and they brought out the heavy artillery too. But Just for Today - I'm still standing. In my eyes thats one of the things that makes a winner. Now how much money you got but your ability to withstand the storm and stay the course. "Getting high, running away and acting out is always an option, it's just not the option that I choose" that's what I tell myself, just for today anyway.
peace