Feels like "all hell has broken loose" in my life. Here are my reasons why I feel like that:
1. Broke a business committment; No Call, No Show.
2. Lied about it to the other party.
3. Procrastinated (among other things) and caused delays in other responsibilities.
4. Been moving slow on my step work, after changing sponsors because my old sponsor kept me waiting to work steps*.
5. Been selling myself short in business deals - contributing to financial stress.
6. Been basically putting things (like life) off until tomorrow, knowing that I should be living for today, in today.
No I didn't go to jail or cheat on my wife or rob a bank but based on the way I "feel" about things lately, I might as well have. This whole "having a conscience" thing can really suck at time. I "feel" so like shit. I am truly disappointed in myself. I know that I am capable of doing better. These are facts about the way I feel. But everything I "feel" isn't based on facts. For example I "feel" like the lowest piece of shit on earth. Still a good-for-nothing, lying, lazy disappoinment of a man. I said "Still" because those are feeling that I had when I arrived at the 12 step program. My disease tells me to give it up, I'll never be normal or a worthwhile human being - fuck it, I'm a failure. A pretender. A dumbass. But I do have to thank God (quickly) for my 12 Step program, meetings, sponsorship & a network of people who remind me that:
1. We all fall short.
2. At best, we only human.
3. I am growing and have come a looooooooooooooooong way.
4. Get out of the problem and into the solution - which is: do better next time.
5. I am worthwhile, God loves me, you guys love me & to be honest: I love me.
6. I have so much to be grateful for if I just remember to look for it.
Yes sir this has been a hell-of-a week; which all came to a head today, but when I look at things with my NEW perspective I see that it wasn't so very bad after all. I didn't go use, so that means that I'll have another chance to get it right tomorrow. So in the midst of the storm, I thank God for the re-programming that I am receiving (some call it an awakening of the spirit) which prompts me to seek out a power greater than me which can restore me to sanity. Thanks God for the help that is available & the willingness to ask for it.
Peace
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1 comment:
Here is the thing, we all fall into this old addictive thinking trap every now and again. Unfortunately it is times like this that can lead us into relapse - can tell you first hand about that.
What is good about yourself is that you are realizing that this is going on. Once you realize that you are doing it...you can stop. You've done it before, you can do it again.
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