Write A Gratitude List? Who Me?

For the most part I dread writing assignments. The list topper for me has to be the ever popular ‘Gratitude List’. I tend to believe that after a few years in the program I don’t really need to resort to something as elementary and basic as the ‘Gratitude List’. After all, if I don’t know what I’m grateful for by now then where the hell is my head at these days? Well despite my personal views on the subject my Sponsor seems to think that having ME write a Gratitude List would be helpful for ME. My response to this was “Sure thing, I’ll do it” outwardly, but inwardly it was more like: “Is he fucking stupid? Doesn’t he know who I am? Maybe he doesn’t realize how much I know about this recovery thing, after I haven’t I worked all my steps and stayed clean for years now?”
Thankfully my OPEN-MINDEDNESS & WILLINGNESS kicked in and said: “Well he is your sponsor, you picked him for a reason & maybe you should give it a try before rejecting the idea, after all what could it hurt?”
And so; here I am, putting pencil to the paper seeking the benefits of a gratitude list yet again. As with most tasks that I put my mind to, I want to do the absolutely best job ever done by any person in the history of the Gratitude List and 12 step programs.
So here it is, The List:
1. Being Alive and Clean (I could be dead or still stuck using – God that would really fucking suck if memory serves me right). Thank You God for your grace and mercy and for the relief from the hopelessness and despair that used to be my life – so much freedom that I have to be reminded of it through other peoples (newcomers and relapsers) experiences.
2. Having a great relationship with my family (I can remember times when I was lonely, dealing with an untrustworthy, dishonest person who contributed to my misery. I can also remember not being able to see my children and wanting to – yeah those times really fucking sucked!). Thank You God that today I can enjoy my little man’s first steps, first words, first day of daycare, poopy diapers and everything else and I haven’t had to feel that type of emptiness and rejection that a bad relationship brings for so long that I’d almost forgotten about it.
3. Having personal integrity (Even though I’m nobody’s saint, I’m not the total dick that couldn’t be trusted or the guy that was a general piece of shit who was probably responsible for any crap that I took place in my general vicinity. Those times fucking sucked because even on the rare occasion that I wasn’t guilty or was actually telling the truth – nobody in their right mind believed me. And worse yet when I sincerely wanted to do right I couldn’t depend on myself to consistently keep my end of the deal – disease wouldn’t let me. Thank you God that today people don’t ‘always’ say my name with a tone of disgust or sarcasm.
4. Being able to be a friend and have friends. This is a long way from the days of ‘mutual using’, when we’d tolerate each other for the sake of getting something out of the deal. When loyalty was a myth and helping each other was an illusion – one which quickly shattered the moment it was perceived that you were no longer an asset or had anything to offer. I can remember the days filled with feelings of betrayal and disappointment because my so-called friends had left me hanging ‘after all I had done for them’. Thank you God.
5. The material things. Even though this isn’t what life is really about – it can not be ignored. Coming from having all my worldly possessions in two green trash bags to a moderately comfortable life with the vehicle of my choosing and many of the “toys” that I desire along with my needs being met is not a laughing matter. It is a testimony of sorts to the miracles that have been happening in my life. Thank You God for allowing me to be able to acquire and hold on to some things in my life today. I can remember a time when I could do neither successfully and those times only contributed to my feelings of inferiority – if feels good to be free from that trap.
6. My Health. I may not be a strapping 6’4” 250lb. 23 year old buck, but I ain’t no 42 year old sickly individual with multiple gunshot wounds, various STD’s, a bad liver, hypertension, diabetes, Hep-C, HIV, or any of a number of physical and mental illnesses or ailments that I could have as a result of the lifestyle that I lived for years/decades. Many men who walked my path are dealing with all these issues and more and some have only found relief and freedom through death. Thank You God for keeping me reminded that things could be a whole lot worse.
7. Sponsorship, The Program, Spiritual Principles and my own growth as a result of having these things in my life. Even though I tend to fantasize about how GOD, life and the people in my life ‘should’ be and almost without fail I set myself up for disappointment/resentments – I still need to acknowledge how much I have grown and how much better my life is. Just having the ability to experience a little turmoil and not get high or lose my mind or act out in ways that I will almost certainly regret later – having the ability to instead apply spiritual principles like faith and trust, patience, commitment, willingness, open-mindedness, courage and honesty in such situations has brought me into another world. One filled with all sorts of possibility and hope. Thank You God for the freedom to be able to respond to situations instead of reacting. For the freedom to be able to weather the storms and be optimistic. Thank you God for a new perspective on my life and the benefits that come along with that freedom.

I need to call my sponsor and thank him for such a loving suggestion. I feel better already. I guess its true that there is a greater freedom found through writing, one that you can’t find by simply discussing or thinking about things. “Thanks Sponse”. Thanks God. And I want to give a big old thank you to… “ME” for continuing to put one foot in front of the other and allowing this process to work in my life.
JUST FOR TODAY: I don’t think I’ll ever be too big to take a trip back to the basics – after all we have to keep on doing what we did in the beginning to stay here.
Peace