Hitting Bottom !

yesterday i lost my mind.
yeah again.
through a series of events i ended up shoving one person and threatening to kill another.
i was hurt and angry (to say the least)
when the mention of calling the cops occurred i immediately got restored to sanity.
i don't like cops or jail.
so i cried and hurt and apologized to the individuals involved and i share with my support people and finally a light bulb came on.
i found a new understanding of what's really been going on with me.

today something different happened to me:
i shared at a meeting and then got up and went outside and cried.
now crying ain't nothing new to me
but the reason i was crying was...
this time it wasn't because of pain
neither mine or anybody else's
this time it had nothing to do with self-pity
nothing to do with my ex what-so-ever

this time i was crying because i finally have a clue
it's like i have been getting my ass kicked by an invisible man
and i couldn't defend myself at all
but now somebody has poured some paint on him and i can at leaset duck and fight back !

i cried because of the overwhelming gratitude that i have for the messengers that God has placed into my life - those that answered my many many calls
those that kept on talking to me - even though they knew that i could not hear a word they were saying
those that kept on praying for me
kept on loving me
kept on encouraging me
reaching out to me
holding me up
refusing to let me fall
i cried because i realize how awesome God is for keeping me and strengtheing me during these trials and not allowing me to fall and ensuring that i did not have to walk this path alone.

i am crying now because i am so grateful to this program that is giving me all that i need to live and to fight for my life against a disease that has ravaged me day after day, week after week, month after month - CLEAN !

i hadn't a freakin clue of what i was really up against - peopl kept saying that i was the problem and i couldn't understand...
but i kept on holding on until understanding finally came to me.

the battle has only just begun but i am spiritually refreshed and renewed.
i am eager and willing

i am ready to fight back for my life and my sanity.

just for today i ain't hurting at all, this disease has tried to toss a few hurting thoughts my way today but i was able to defend myself with the truth and the application of spiritual principles.

just for today i have one thing to say to my support people: Thanks
one thing to say to God: thanks
and one thing to say to my disease: let's get ready to rumble mother fucker !