i am not faking when i write that life is getting better but i have to be honest when i say that there are times when i can not fucking believe that this is happening to me.
i feel as thoug i have lost my life.
my everything.
i want so desperately to have back what i lost.
i struggle to keep from kicking myself on a daily basis for losing what i had.
for not appreciating what i had prayed for.
i feel like such a fucking asshole.
damn i hate this shit.
its getting better but i just can't help holding my breath and waiting and hoping for what i hope will be another chance.
everyday i lose a little more hope.
everyday i fell a little bit better and yet a little bit worse.
i would hate to think that it is over forever.
i hate to think that that is now my reality.
God knows i don't want to believe this.
in my heart i just won't stop believing in true love, that it will never really just die.
although each day i hurt more and knowing that what was once mine has now moved on to someone else...
i hurt so terrifically.
i wonder how love could hurt so bad.
i wonder how someone can love you and watch you suffer so badly.
i have to wonder if it's really love after all.
and that part really fuckin hurts.
Jesus help me make it through the night.
i don't think i can do it alone...
Just for today my gratitude is that I know i don't have to and pretty soon, this will all be over, one way or another - i guess i am just very, very afraid that God's will won't be the same as mine.
please don't let this be the case God, please.
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