Ok so I did a pretty good job of not calling "her" today. Then she sends me a text message, i respond, and the next thing you know we're going back and forth message after message. I'm thinking to myself 'well she started it and i'm just responding' right ? So that was ok with me until I start wondering why all of a sudden is she being so nice to me? Is she feeling guilty because she has done something bad ? I don't fuckin' know what to think or feel. I know that I don't want anymore pain or misery that's all. So I called her and told her that if she is seeking out another relationship or friendship with a male (or any other behavior that she wouldn't have engaged in while we were together) then I would prefer that she just leave me alone. She has told me that she isn't interested in anyone else, on more than one occasion.
So who do i think i am to make statements like these to her ? I'm me dammit. And besides... we still see each other a little bit. We had dinner and hung out at the mall the other day, sex a few days before that, still have keys to each others vehicles, i still have a key to her house, i'm invited to christmas at her house. This doesn't mean we're together - but it does give me a reason to keep hope alive. I am trying to play my cards right. But she did go and seperate our bank accounts. And she insists that she wants to be single. All in all i am still not feeling good about things and i guess i'm developing a whole new set of feelings like maybe i'm playing the fool. maybe i should stick to my guns and let this gaping wound heal. maybe holding on is a waste of time that is going to lead to further pain. I feel conflicted. of course i wish things were different, but they're not. i really don't like the fact that i'm starting to think that maybe God's will for me is to leave her alone. I am even more terrified by the thought that i might grow to the point where i don't even want the relationship back. right now i can't imagine not being in that relationship (that's odd considering that i'm not in the relationship presently) AND i honestly think that i might be developing a deepening resentment from every time i think about how much i have hurt right in her face, pleaded with her and begged forgiveness and she just turned and walked away. On the one hand I respect the courage and determination necessary for her to do that but on the other hand i think that when somebody loves you they don't stand by and watch you hurt. they may hurt you on accident (i'm the poster boy for that dumb-shit) but i never looked a friend in the eye and consciously hurt them or watched as they hurt. but all in all i understand that - when a person's done - they're done.
Just for this moment, if things don't change soon on her part then i suspect they will have no choice but to change on my part, and right now that is a sad commentary in my opinion. But God is still good no matter what.
Peace.
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2 comments:
it is a fact that people heal emotionally, recover and move on MUCH faster when they STOP going back to 'the scene of the crime'.
Both of you appear to be incapable of staying away from the habitual pull of the old relationship.
She sounds like she has all the 'power'. but what do i know? i am here and i cannot see you two and how you interact.
if she DOES have all the power, it may seem flattering at first, but the novelty soon wears off. what women want is STRONG men. men that will say no. and stick to it.
not stubbornness mind. true resolve. thats different. us women respect that. even if we get doors slamed in our face from time to time. we have respect for you when we know you are not a puppet to our manipulative powers of (usually sexual) persuasion.
Im trying to avoid saying yay or nay. but i like this song because it describes the natural inner conflict of push and pull in separation and the burn analogy is a good description of the way eckhart tolle talks of allowing what he calls the 'pain body' to play itself out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoP0xI-kAYg
take care of yourself and stick close to aa over christmas!
Awesome song & message Irish ! That has been a favorite song of mine for a while but i have never really "listened" to the words like i just have. great message. you are such an awesome resource. thanks again for being you.
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