I am not bull-shitting around here when I write my blog. It might seem like it. It might even seem like i'm straight up crazy. But it just fuckin' is what it fuckin' is. Sometimes (as you may have noticed...) I am doing better or ok or whatever you may want to call it. And then out of no fucking where the moon falls out of the heavens and lands right on my crotch. I am falling apart at the seams. I keep doing what i am supposed to do as far as sharing with others my true feelings (privately & in groups), attending meetings, sponsorship (calling twice as much as normal lately), prayer (like a madman - i even started reading the bible a little & joined a church) & i have not used !
But dammit I am still hurting like a bitch here & I am sick of this shit. sick and tired of feeling like this. I ask and ask God why is this happening. I ask God for help constantly.
But it is still all over me.
OK enough poor me shit.
I am still fucking up - i talk to her damn near everyday - if i'm trying to be strong she will call me talking about our son. Or whatever reason. I never let the phone just ring.
I am still fucking up - reading her e-mails and seeing how happily and easily she is having conversations with other men - I never just leave her shit alone like I should.
I am still fucking up - I continue to sleep with her - telling myself that a little bit of her beats the alternative - i never just let the fucking wound heal.
I am still fucking up - I cry to her and plead with her and try to reason with her - just never balls up and walk away.
I am still fucking up - and i wonder why i am still fucked up.
Just for today - Merciful, Almighty God in heaven please help a poor lost soul who can't seem to help himself.
Please
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3 comments:
Right action takes you to a good place. If you lack the resolve to do the right thing 'Act as if' is gold dust.
I think this is sort of an al anon issue. al anon is FULL of women who cannot stay sway from men that mess them around because they are drunk or whatever. Meaning its a good place to learn how to stay away from a bad relationship a day at a time.
I would say stay away from the scene of the crime. Pick up the phone before you pick up the phone to her, sort of thing. treat it like any other addiction. which it is really. nothing this compulsive could ever be viewed as a conscious act.
but hey, you will figure it out. sounds like 'bludgeoned into humility by pain and unremitting suffering' tho..
ah well. it takes what it takes. but us alcoholics are in REAL ! danger of self destructing if we bite off more than we can chew. oh well. This too shall pass.
I appreciate your 'prescence'. I look forward to your comments. In your comments I noticed the "but hey", the "ah well" and the "oh well"... which was scary - sounds like me when i'm talking to a hard-headed newcomer who seems destined to go back and get more pain. lol.
I believe that I will be sucessful this time around...
i know how much this type of situation RIPS PEOPLE APART emotionally, so i suppose i do feel as though you are placing yourself in harms way by going back to the ex and DRAGGING the death throes out longer. by delaying your recovery you are subjecting yourself to even MORE pain.
Only very strong people can take that kind of punishment without going under. most lack sufficient endurance to make the distance.
unless you have exceptional stamina, it is only a matter of time before the structure beaks under the strain. repeated pressure will do it eventually im afraid.
i prefer to err on the side of caution. I would not allow a Sponsee to endanger their sobriety (AND MY HARD WORK!!! heehee) by making an EXTREMELY painful situation even MORE painful.
each to their own. but that's how i do it.
I do not want ANY of my Sponsees to either drink, or kill themselves.
i have invested too much energy in them!
if they relapse, then there is ones less sponsor out there, and that's too high a price to pay for me.
so that's my reasoning.
i get VERY angry with Sponsees who endanger their sobriety or their life by making choices that make their lives VERY VERY uncomfortable.. i will NOT tolerate it. Unless I think they have SUPER TOUGH stamina...
if all my Sponsees are happy then i have a pretty easy life, (ie no' emergencies' to take care of) and plus i never have to speak to them. which is GREAT!
see im very lazy in the sense that i want to have to do as LITTLE work as possible.
right. too long
just thought i would explain myself
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