Arms Getting Tired...

I been kickin and scratchin and fighting with all I have inside of me. I don't want to lose - not this time. SO even though I grow weary I fight on and on...
Man this ain't workin', not at all, not this way. I know it's not working but i continue on this insane path (same thing, results gotta be different this time right?- wrong!) bad part is i know its nutso to keep callin, beggin, cussin, reasonin, etc. but i am rationalizing the most outrageous nonsense to myself - and of course i keep falling for it and i keep getting hurt. i'm the set up artist and the fall guy all in one. At this point, i wouldn't even want to get back together with me.
"i'm pretty pathetic" i think to myself. but then i immediately think "no i'm just in love and people in love never give up on each other" it never, ever occurs to me that when i say 'people in love' i'm talking about a plural word that represents more than one persons involvement. when there aren't at least two people involved in the 'love' affair then it's sort of unhealthy, almost like being a stalker or at best a nuisance.
I am growing thank God. slowly but surely. Today for the most part i wasn't miserable. i had my moments and however short-lived they were they hurt intensely.
my disease wants me to think that my whole day sucked when it reality it didn't. i laughed and actually had some fun today - thank you friends, fellowship and God.
tonight as i write this i am struggling with calling her -damn i want to so badly and i ain't promising that i won't but right now, i'm not going to. she said she might call me tonight but she didn't but oh well that's life.
also i need to confess that i haven't been the nicest person and she's not the devil or evil bitch - we're both just people and we're both having our own individual processes, my process isn't any more "correct" than hers is. so i guess i should act like a person in love by showing some respect for where she's at and what she wants to do with her life. i have learned a few things today (on a much deeper level) i learned that trusting God isn't alway easy, i learned that powerlessness means NO POWER so cut it out trying to exert some POWER or control over the situation. I learned that i better get busy working on me, keping the focus on me, that GOD has a plan for me, He's allowing me to go through this for a reason, the only way to get through this is to go through this feeling it all the way, life on life's terms aren't always easy and are in fact sometimes AWFULLY painful, that I need to pray for everybody, and right now more than ever before I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF AND REAFFIRM MY COMMITMENT TO LOVING... ME !
Just For Today: I have every reason to be grateful. I better keep rreminding myself of that. I ain't using so i have a chance to learn and grow from this - if i am willing to do the work. And tonight the WORK is "not calling her".
Please GOd giveme the stregth - you know that I am so very tired of fighting.
Y'all pray for me. thanks.