Geeeee-Zuz !

Its been almost 24 hours since I have dialed her number. I don't think you hear me. I said almost TWENTY FOUR HOURS ! I didn't think i could make it this far. I guess I really didn't, not alone anyway. Thank you God and my support people. I pray that I can go on for the duration of today, then tomorrow I will try to re-committ to this plan. She called me once for some directions and I was civil. I didn't bring up anything or ask any questions or try to be really cool or act cold and indifferent. I just gave her the help that she requested and I got off the phone. Almost like what normal people do (I think).
Anyway, surprisingly enough I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. Maybe this will pass. I am trying not to think that "if i do this then she will miss me and come back" no! I ain't trying to fall into that trap either. I have simply had enough pain. I don't want to add to it. I wanted to ask about my sons today but I concluded that if i don't take time to work on me (which may involove a few days or a week of non contact) then i won't be any good to them anyway. My mind has been so distracted that when I am around them - I'm not really fully there. So out of love for me I ned to take care of me so that I can be available for them and everyone else to whom I may someday have the opportunity to assist.
God help me - this day is almost done. My disease is working overtime.
Just for this moment - I do believe that I can and will survive this thing.