Am I an idiot or what ?

Ok its confession time again. I guess I doing it here is as good a place to do it. I have been guilt of acting out in the midst of this 'storm'. I have been guilty of numerous instances of disrecpect and the worst of which is the time that I showed up at her house unannounced while she was asleep wanting to know why she had stood me up and not even bothered to call me (not the first time she's done it this week either) anyway i have a key so i let myself in and she & I talked. then i apologized for doing it and she apologized for being in considerate and wouldn't you know the very next day she did the same thing to me and i went right back over to her house and let myself in again 'wanting to talk'. That shit is freakin nuts, and I know it. it's been a few days and i haven't had the desire to do it again and i believe that i have made a committment not to ever do that stalker shit again. God help me.
So we had a date today and 'as usual these days' shit didn't work out as planned - to my disappoinment. she really doesn't seem to mind letting me down, even though i explained to her that she's treating me in a way that she wouldn't want to be treated and she agreed - but she continues to do the same shit again and again.
And it really sucks ! I know it's all my fault - i keep volunteering for the madness, but dammit i am willing to put up with some crap to get her and my family back together again. So why am I complaining? Cuz i'm a fuckin' idiot.
That's the best I can come up with. I embarrass myself by pouting and asking a thousand questions, trying to convince and manipulate. whew - i feel like a hot mess sometimes. but on the bright side i have been doing all the necessary things for my recovery. including this: writing about my feelings. I believe that she unconsciously is trying to screw my over as an expression of her hurt, pain and anger. after all i did betray her trust by talking to another woman (not dating, or having sex with... just talking) so at any rate the baby in me continues to have his say so periodically, but...
Just for today... that little asshole didn't rule my world. For the most part I did a fine job today, I did minimal collateral damage today. I got into a solution of sorts quickly, I felt better very quickly (THANK YOU GOD !) and I still ain't going to get high behind none of this shit.
Today I claim the victory.
Peace.