...it is what it is and it ain't what I want it to be. But there's not a damn thing that I can do to change things... "oh well". The solution seems simple enough: get over it, let it go and move on right? Too bad I don't allow my life to be as easy it that. Too bad I have to continue to try and exert some control over the situation. Too bad I'm powerless and refuse to act like it. Too bad that during 'crunch-time' I act like I don't trust God and His ability to handle this situation. Too bad that I want what I want, when I want it - to a fault. Yep, too bad. Too bad for me, because all I've been doing is prolonging & worsening matters (maybe). Too bad that I am going through the worse feelings that I have felt in the few years that I have been clean.
On the flip side though; (and I thank God for the flip side and my ability to recognize that there is one), I have been "doing" fine - despite my "feelings". I haven't stopped attending meetings, going to work, showing up for my children, being respectful (for the most part) toward my EX. I have been answering my phone for my sponsees and friends & family whether it's a call with concern for me or someone with an issue of their own. I haven't run into another relationship seeking comfort (thank you God!), started a spending spree, an eating frenzy, gambling, or anything other void filling activities. And thank you God that I haven't found myself in a bitter place very often (and when I go there I don't stay long).
The cherry on top this morning is that I have not had the desire to use drugs. For some reason that hasn't crossed my mind as being a solution to anything. Logically I know this but it's just noteworthy & praiseworthy that my '12 step training' is holding fast in the midst of what appears to be "the storm of the century".
What I am learning so far: That I am loved. That I am imperfect. That I am ok. That shit happens whether I want to to or not. That God is good. That recovery happens. That things can ALWAYS be worse. That I can always put my hand to something and make it worse. That this too shall pass.
Just for this moment: Life is indeed worth living.
Peace.
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1 comment:
Wow! nice post.
the ego thrashes around like CRAZY when we are caught in a corner. the ego does NOT want to 'die' to what 'is'. Thank god the ego is not YOU. Whatever YOU are is FAR more interesting than the little old ego.
the 'actor running the show' is indeed the ego. or mind. whatever you like to call it. but yeah, if you just observe the thrashing around long enough, the 'fight' dies down, and the ego lays there resting for a bit. Until next time anyway!
well done. keep up the good work.
Are you beginning to sense the ? 'background' ? "calm' amidst all this exterior chaos? THATS where you are heading. THATS where the really cool stuff is. That's why you are sober and you don't want to use. THAT'S where the miracle is. Its the quiet hummm of peace behind all that clatter going outside. The hum gets louder and more noticeable the more you observe the chaos without getting entangled in it. Some people cal it being self aware. Other people cal it enlightenment. Gawd knows what it is. But whatever it is, it is VERY cool.
Keep up the good work! It gets better my friend.
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