Clarity, Freedom, Sadness

i have been through a lot during the past month or so. a lot of pain and a lot of increased awareness of the help and love that is and has always been availble to me in times of trouble. i heightened sense of God's power and my own powerlessness. a renewed sense of compassion for others who may be struggling in any area of life. a better sense of respect for the old-timers who "hell or high water" have not used.
a greater appreciation for 'the program', its principles and life saving power.

personally i am grateful for what i believe is a greater clarity with regard to me: who i am and what i am about. i am a powerless, co-dependent little guy who has value and worth as an individual. A guy who is loving and worthy to be loved - all by myself, or in a relationship. A guy with a mighty God and a wealth of friends who love and respect him.

i found freedom yesterday finally when i realized that what i had been crying over and praying about wasnt at all what i thought it was. i thought i was in love and in A HEALTHY LOVE AFFAIR. then i discovered that i was just an interchangeable part in an on-going love affair that didn't begin with me, nor has it ended in my absence.

that made me sad - i held that relationship as something that defined me and contributed to my sense of worth and value - and then to see it for what it really was makes me feel like i kinda wasted my time all along. but no. i am still very grateful because of the child born out of that union - he is beautiful and i love him very much.

i am also saddened because i was confused by the simple fact that that experience 'felt good'. i suspect that others are trapped in a cycle, oblivious and in denial, simply because something makes them 'feel good'. i pray for you.

additionally my heart is heavy for the other party involved as i suspect that the driving force in his life may be the same need for something that 'feels good' and all other factors (like friendship, honor, consideration, family, respect, etc.) are secondary considerations if they are considered at all.

i can relate to behavior like that - in active addiction that was my life. on any given day or situation in recovery that can and has been my story.

freedom: today it is not a strain or a struggle. no forced smiles or efforts to quell the butterflies that have occupied my stomach for the past month. i believe that now is the right season and the lesson is being finally learned. this process has been agonizing and yet the growth makes it all worth.

Just for today this program and God has become very real for me and my understandings are changing and improving and growing.

Just for today: i realize that the love affair that i cried over, that meant the world to me, wasnt all that i thought it was: it was really a very beautiful love affair that didn't start with me and hasn't ended in my absence - i was only an interchageable part - the man of the hour. thank God for the freedom and the opportunity for something heathy and better.